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d00d

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This year I have been trying very hard to not only be open to social relationships, but to do my part in encouraging them as well. To put it mildly, this has been met with some mixed results. I've started trying to connect with people around me through various means and it goes well for a while, until it seems like I run out of things to talk about. I feel like there is the beginning of a connection, but then I have nothing to say beyond small talk. If I see those people again after the initial conversation, they will try to talk to me and be friendly but it goes down hill fast with long awkward silent pauses and both of us searching for a topic of conversation.

I've tried to branch out on who I talk to now as I could see the trend of me becoming "the weird guy that talked to me once but now it's just awkward" with people I see frequently. Has anyone else encountered this problem?
 
I find it hard to transition from acquaintance to actual friend. That is the awkward stage to get through.
 
I often have the same problem too. Moving beyond small talk is difficult and at times I have overconfided in someone in a clumsy attempt to try to move things forward. This rarely works. The problem is that you get more and more stressed out about it and less able to just relax and see what happens naturally, if anything. Maybe you would find it easier in group settings rather than one on one for a while, as you could contribute to the group conversation but wouldn't have the stress of having to carry half of the conversation as you do in a one to one situation. Then eventually try one to one and see how it goes once you feel a bit more at ease around others in a social setting.
 
This sounds like a familiar experience to me , however what I do now is avoid being desperate and not really care about previous failed attempts to connect.

I'm talking about colleagues at work as I have no other socialising experiences.

Before I use to bend over backwards in conversation in a grovelling manner essentially talking crap in order to be liked/accepted.

At least it seems you maintain your dignity in your interactions?

Now I see myself making a conscious decision to see if the other parties involved are genuinely making any kind of effort in my direction or not.

I find it too exhausting to build forced friendships with those not really interested - my only other previous "friend" acquired this way essentially bullied me which wasn't fun.
 
It's kind of a balancing act. If you try to hard that pushes people away. If you dont tey hard enough it goes nowhere. But i really am done trying with people who dont tey back. If there is no reciprocity then dont waste your time.
 
It's nice to know that this seems to be a problem shared by others and not just mine alone... Even if it just means that it's an issue for all of us :(

I think you hit it right on the head delledonne11; it definitely seems like some sort of balancing act that isn't as intuitive to me as it is to others. I'm going to take the advice of tiina63 under consideration and try to find an opportunity for a group setting rather than one on one, and see if that will improve the situation.

P.S.
nondescript, I feel your pain. I've attempted to make friends at the expense of my dignity as well. The worst part is the shame and misery that comes with going so far out of your way to try and please another human being, just in an attempt to gain some semblance of a social connection, and it ends in them begrudgingly "accepting" you as a little less than an acquaintance. Socializing can seem merciless ant times.
 
I just gotta say, that it happens to me too. I think like what delledonne said, I kinda just let it go now if people just don't want to make the effort.
 
I have overshared before. Then it becomes awkward. I also dont always know how to progress the friendship. What's the next move with an acquaintance you want to get to know better?
 
delledonne11 said:
What's the next move with an acquaintance you want to get to know better?

It usually takes me some time to interact with an acquaintance to get to know them and feel what they're into. Then I find some common grounds with them, and progress from there. Be it gaming, or shopping or even just finding out about certain products that they might be interested in or something you can talk about and research together. Then set up to meet one day for a meal or an event or to do something together (I have colleagues/acquaintances asking me to have lunch with them even though we have nothing in common lol) but through that we still get to interact and take the interaction further.
 
We live in a small town. And, most of the locals here have tons of extended family around. I was shocked to find out how many people are related to one another in our local church, lol. So, I think that people have plenty of "people' in a smaller town. And, it just seems kind of odd. Like we will go to a football game or basketball game and the parents really all keep to themselves. There is no "group" of parents to cheer the kids on. Everyone just sits with their spouse or whatever and there is very little interaction between people. I find that kind of strange. DD plays in an out of town travel league, and we seem to have more fun with those parents who are bit more into it.


Another case in point. I thought i was pretty good friends with one of the sports moms. Our girls do things together and we have all gone to do things like going to movies, etc. Well, DD was invited to play on a travel team so now this mom no longer talks to me. DD was asked. It isn't my team. I don't have any control over who gets to play on the team, i am not the coach. I even gave this mom the name and phone number of the coach if she wanted to explore it for herself. But, since her daughter is not on the team, i guess she is no longer speaking to me. I really get pretty sick of people.
 
Making friends on the internet has proved impossible for me.

I thought I could find other artists to connect with on social media, but it's all on a superficial level, and I think I may have overshared at times. I tried for about 5 years, as I wasn't going out much: I put all my energy into the computer (so to speak), but I gave up last summer and am much happier as a result, as it was quite a depressing experience.

For me, I think the best way is to interact face-to-face at a local level - something that will be a little easier when I move to a more populated area with an art scene.
 
delledonne11 said:
I find it hard to transition from acquaintance to actual friend. That is the awkward stage to get through.


Hmm, well that brought up a question but never mind.

ladyforsaken said:
I just gotta say, that it happens to me too. I think like what delledonne said, I kinda just let it go now if people just don't want to make the effort.

And what if they want to but they don't know how?

LonesomeDay said:
Making friends on the internet has proved impossible for me.

Yeah, like in here. I consider myself very fortunate to have found one really nice person to talk to and get advice from. I am what you call book smart. There wasn't a test I couldn't pass. This woman has a wealth of knowledge and experience I'll never have.
 
If I can spend enough time with someone then I don't find it hard to transition from friend to acquaintance. That just happens as you talk more and spend more time together, it isn't something formal that you need to initiate. It's getting myself into a position where I can spend enough time with a person and finding someone that I gel with in the first place that's the problem for me.
 
For me, I overshare all the time whether I mean to or not. I don't just randomly spill my life, but when conversation leads to an experience I've had that is relevant, I share it. I think I'm just open and honest to break the ice and have the other person know that they can share anything with me and it's okay to be vulnerable with me and trust me because I opened up first. That I'm not shy to admit faults or whatever. Most people do open up that I've encountered but it hasn't lead to an actual friendship where we go out and text or talk during the week. Most would flake whenever plans were made or would only contact me when they had problems cause they know I would be the one to listen and offer support. Yrs ago, I was able to make friends in high school & college that had nothing in common with me besides being in the same classroom. I had kept friendships with them by texting & checking in with them, studying with them, even studying and going to lunch.
Find people that are worth your time to cultivate friendships with. It does take time and sometimes you got to feel them out, their personalities. Maybe talk about world events, music, life goals or talk about them. People love talking about themselves....ehh kinda like what I did in the above sentences lol :/
It's definitely not as easy to make friends like in grade school where you just make friends by playing & running around together unfortunately :(. Miss how easy that was to make friends!
 
I think it is more an issue of opportunity. You can meet someone you click with but then you don't really have the opportunity to meet up with them again unless it is some regular, ongoing event. So, there are folks who seem like you would like to be friends with but you don't have that luxury of time to cultivate a friendship.
 
BeyondShy said:
ladyforsaken said:
I just gotta say, that it happens to me too. I think like what delledonne said, I kinda just let it go now if people just don't want to make the effort.

And what if they want to but they don't know how?

You mean if they want to make the effort but don't know how to?
 
ladyforsaken said:
BeyondShy said:
ladyforsaken said:
I just gotta say, that it happens to me too. I think like what delledonne said, I kinda just let it go now if people just don't want to make the effort.

And what if they want to but they don't know how?

You mean if they want to make the effort but don't know how to?

No.
 
I rarely even get to the 'small talk' stage. Most places I go to, it's made extremely clear very quickly that the people there don't want to know or talk with me. Late last year I went to an art class, and even in the first session, I was the only one sitting alone, at a desk by myself. Not because I wanted to, but because everyone else had chosen to sit next to/with someone else. Even when I tried to talk with someone there, I would be ignored ... and most of the conversations that the rest of the people were having weren't ones I could join in on (talk about their family, kids, ect ect, all conversations about very social things). That's how it stayed for 8 weeks. That's how it is in any group, class, or whatever I go to. I even find it difficult online. Most of what I say seems to go un-noticed, or becomes 'thread killer', so much so that I then feel like I shouldn't say anything, and that, for some reason, whatever I say, or feel, isn't valid because I'm too far away or just ... well ... I don't know. It's frustrating, not even feeling like you fit in or are accepted online.
 
Cucuboth said:
I rarely even get to the 'small talk' stage. Most places I go to, it's made extremely clear very quickly that the people there don't want to know or talk with me. Late last year I went to an art class, and even in the first session, I was the only one sitting alone, at a desk by myself. Not because I wanted to, but because everyone else had chosen to sit next to/with someone else. Even when I tried to talk with someone there, I would be ignored ... and most of the conversations that the rest of the people were having weren't ones I could join in on (talk about their family, kids, ect ect, all conversations about very social things). That's how it stayed for 8 weeks. That's how it is in any group, class, or whatever I go to. I even find it difficult online. Most of what I say seems to go un-noticed, or becomes 'thread killer', so much so that I then feel like I shouldn't say anything, and that, for some reason, whatever I say, or feel, isn't valid because I'm too far away or just ... well ... I don't know. It's frustrating, not even feeling like you fit in or are accepted online.

Have you tried using the chatroom here? People are very friendly on it.
 
Cucuboth said:
I rarely even get to the 'small talk' stage. Most places I go to, it's made extremely clear very quickly that the people there don't want to know or talk with me. Late last year I went to an art class, and even in the first session, I was the only one sitting alone, at a desk by myself. Not because I wanted to, but because everyone else had chosen to sit next to/with someone else. Even when I tried to talk with someone there, I would be ignored ... and most of the conversations that the rest of the people were having weren't ones I could join in on (talk about their family, kids, ect ect, all conversations about very social things). That's how it stayed for 8 weeks. That's how it is in any group, class, or whatever I go to. I even find it difficult online. Most of what I say seems to go un-noticed, or becomes 'thread killer', so much so that I then feel like I shouldn't say anything, and that, for some reason, whatever I say, or feel, isn't valid because I'm too far away or just ... well ... I don't know. It's frustrating, not even feeling like you fit in or are accepted online.

Honestly, i think that most people dont' want to be bothered and really aren't all that open to make new friends. However, that doesn't mean don't try. And, sometimes it is about being in the moment with people doing whatever activitiy and maybe you will never see them again. I will usually try to get chatting with people. And, after a few comments, i think you can tell if someone is going to reciprocate in kind or not. If not, then I just move on.
 

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