I Wish I Was Never Created

I don't mean suicide, I'm not talking about death.

I'm talking about wishing I was never born...obviously I was, and now have no choice but to press forward...but it sucks...I don't want to, I want to quit.

When it rains, it pours, and it's been pouring a lot lately.

I'm 21, and have never been so stressed or unhappy before...and this time, it has nothing to do with my family or friend relationships.

It's my pure self.

I thought your 20's were supposed to be fun and exciting...full of new experiences, new people, careers, independence, traveling, etc...

But it's not for me.

I'm living in an apartment with a roommate, trying to get through college and work. I moved out on my own at 19. Since I turned 18, I've been responsible for all of my own bills, ALL of them; health insurance, car insurance, school, phone...and now that I have my own place; rent, and everything that comes with it.

All of this wouldn't be so bad if it were not having a safety net. I have no where to fall. My parents are in worse situations than me...being housed and fed by others.

So if I fail, everything that I've worked for is ruined.

I'm in college, and since changing my major to general studies, I've been completely failing. I hate school, I HATE IT. I...HATE...IT. If I wouldn't be so looked down upon, I would've never returned after high school. I have memories that date back to 1st grade of myself never belonging, never understanding, and never happy. I never grasp anything when presented to me, and never understand what I read.

Math? Forget even attempting to teach me.
Science? Nope, sounds like gibberish.
History? One big story book I couldn't care less about.

I only ever kind of liked English...but not research.

I'm on academic probation this semester and if I don't do well, I won't receive financial aid...and will no longer be able to afford to go.

It seems like no matter how much I try...I fail at everything school related.

I wish I didn't have to go to school, but I do because that's the only way I can afford living on my own.

How can I succeed at something I avoid because of the worthlessness feelings that come with it? I'm worthless at school.

MY JOB DOESN'T PAY WELL AND MY MANAGERS HATE ME.

I don't know what else I can do, my smile is never enough. I'm always doing something wrong, get yelled at for the littlest, stupidest honeysuckle. (EX: hanging my keys on a tack in the wall???)

Customers like me...they've always liked me...but my managers? NOPE! I never feel like I'm needed there. I feel like I'm one big snowball of mistakes.

One of my managers loves my co-worker---He even has a picture of them two set as his desktop screensaver.

I've tried so hard to impress them...But I can't change who I am...I'm not outgoing, and I'm not loud...I'm have never been and never will be.

I'm so slow. My current job, and two others I've had in the past, my managers either hate(ed) me, or got me to do the easier task because I was too slow...too dumb for what they initially wanted me to do.

My pitiful brain hates me.

I'm in therapy.

I'm on drugs for sadness.

But I'm still sad.

I'm still dumb.

I'm failing at this game and I want to quit.


I hate the fact that I was born. I wasn't meant to be...

I can't do anything...

I can't pass community college,

I can't make up my mind,

I can't pay my bills,

I can't succeed at my job,

I can't make friends,

I just can't do life.

But I have to.

Hello
How about starting with changing the can't s to cans

I suspect you had to do some testing to get into college and get financial aid
Some place somewhere along the line somebody says you can

Is there any particular career you are interested in? If you don't like your major is it possible for you to change it?

You're not alone feeling like this in early 20's. I understand. I'm 24 now and have more clear idea of what I want to do with life than when I was 20. Four years ago I questioned a lot whether the goals I have set for myself is really going to help me to become the person I want to be in the future. I still do it sometimes but it's not as bad as before. Are you questioning your goals similarly?

I'm sure you have your own skills and based on them there are jobs you can do better than many other people. If you feel not needed in a job, it's most probably because you don't like the job in the first place. Your options are either to keep doing it despite how you feel about it or take the risk of looking for a new job that you are likely to feel better about. If you like your job, do it for serving customers. You say they like you, which can mean you are doing well in your job after all. Some managers can be biased toward employees for no apparent reason. I've been in jobs where I did a decent work, yet the manager hated me passionately for the reasons I never knew.

Like what BadGuy said, I suggest concentrating on what you CAN do.

Hope everything gets better for you.

Don't give up. Like everyone said, endure. I may have wasted most of my 20s too and to be honest I don't like what I'm studying either.

Stop telling yourself you're worthless, because it's not true. Just stop judging yourself so harshly. Give yourself a chance. It may be "pouring" now, but things will get better sooner or later if you don't give up. Just try your best but don't beat yourself when things go bad.

Just take it slow, one step at a time, one thing at a time. Slowly, but surely

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk

Hello
How about starting with changing the can't s to cans

I suspect you had to do some testing to get into college and get financial aid
Some place somewhere along the line somebody says you can

BadGuy said:

Hello
How about starting with changing the can't s to cans

I suspect you had to do some testing to get into college and get financial aid
Some place somewhere along the line somebody says you can

Click to expand...

Good suggestion.

I'm sorry that you are having so much trouble, CryingCloud. I know how it feels when you think you are just totally failing, I feel that often myself. That sounds like a very tough situation. But I agree with the others who say change those "can'ts" to "cans". We can often be our own harshest critics, you know? It's easy to get caught up in a story that we tell ourselves, that we are just a person who can't do anything. I have had to struggle with that story myself and I am trying to turn it around, and I also understand about school - I never really liked it either. But you have to keep going, because you have to get out of that low-level job you're in. That's probably one of the reasons you're feeling so down about yourself. I used to make lots of mistakes in those kinds of jobs too, and I don't think it was because I was dumb, I think it was because the jobs were so low-level and low-paying that it made me feel like I was wasting my time. It's just so dull and un-stimulating that it's hard to pay attention to it. I wonder if a lot of people feel that way, making lots of mistakes in jobs like this because they are suited for better things. Being there made me feel like I was a person who couldn't do anything. And of course, when you're in jobs like that, it's very hard to feel respected by anyone. Management in those positions tend to treat people like crap.

But that's all the more reason that you've got to push yourself to do well in school - because you've got to get out of those jobs that don't pay well and don't give you any respect. It's hard to feel good about yourself and your abilities in a situation like that. I think when you get a chance you should try to pick a clearer major for you to pursue, rather than general studies (unless you have to do that major). You mentioned that you sort of like English, so you could start looking there. Look for something that you enjoy that also pays decently - try to get those two things to match. That's how you can hopefully get out of these situations with bad bosses, micromanagement, mindless tasks that don't help you grow, and feeling bad about yourself.

Do skydiving.

I kind of find this type of thinking to be futile. Wishing you were never born. You are here. The real questions and energy should be focused on today not wasting your time with futile thinking.

I share the same feelings as you. It has happened recently, the last few months of 2015 to be precise starting at September.

Like you, I am currently on probation and in the process of re-instating myself. I am also attending Community College as well, except I don't live on my own. The worst part about all of this? My parents don't know. I have yet to tell them, and it's only a matter of time before one of them finds out once they start filing for taxes. So I don't have much time left anymore. And nobody else knows about this either.

I lied to all of them about it too.

I know this thread isn't about suicide, but in a way, it's times like these that we're somehow connected; you're not alone right now. Whereas you wish you were never born, I wanted to kill myself. I saw myself as a burden to this wretched existence called life. But most of all, I felt like I was being a burden to myself throughout Fall.

Fall...what a fitting season given my position...our position, in our lives right now, huh? I don't know what you did to pay for your classes, but you may or may not lucky depending on what you tell me after what I'm about to say to you.

I used my younger brother's tuition to pay for my class. And now I owe him 735 dollars. I'm lucky that he's not serious enough about college; he knows nothing about money after all. I went through such an extreme for my own sake, and look at where I am right now.

The reason why you're so lucky at the moment too is because you were allowed outside. My parents won't let me learn how to live on my own. They want me to help them pay for their own debts. It has yet to occur to them that I don't care about their well being. I still believe that it was my father's mistake that he chose to conceive me, and there are still times where I can't help but blame him for being a parent at TWENTY YEARS OLD.

Was was he thinking? But I digress. This isn't about me, is it? It's about you.

So I'm going to tell you right now that you can't stop. Not right now, not ever. You and I may have not had much of a choice being brought into this life, and life has burdened us with responsibilities.

Still, you're so lucky. You get to live on my own while I'm nothing more than a tool. I've no desire to be where I'm at right now, and I just want to run away from my problems. But you know what? I'm not. And you know what? You shouldn't either.

I feel you right now. Not just your pain, grief or your sadness, but most importantly, your courage and what is left of your willingness to live. You get to be free, don't you see how jealous I am of you right now?

Before I failed my Psychology class, my teacher told me something important. I may not remember everything, but as an individual hailing from a generation long before mine, he admitted something crucial. He, a man who speaks for his peers, took responsibility for the things they did to us. Towards the end of that speech, he told us that we shouldn't feel like that we have to be here, or something like that.

I think it went something like choosing to be here, wanting to be where we are right now. I know you're going through a lot right now, and for me to say that you should want to be where you're at isn't going to help. But I have a lot of hope for you. And like everyone else, here, I want you to live.

Don't give up on me, because I'm not going to give up on you.

For this too, shall pass. And so I will end it post with this video, and a special quote I hold dearly, and deeply, within. In La'kech.

“Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.”

― Margaret Atwood, The Penelopiad

[video=youtube]

(Don't think that I'm trying to convert you to Buddhism; I am not. But this video inspired me, and I hope that it may inspire you too.)