Being Counterproductive

The last few weeks have really had a toll on me. I have been depressed for a long time, but I can no longer handle the things my head is telling me. I have always had some sort of rule in place, that if my thoughts crossed into extremely suicidal, drastic changes must be made. I was a little slower at starting that process this time, but I have started.

But my worry is the things that I have done in the mean time. Sleep hasn't been a friend, so I have spent many of my nights up late writing. I thought that if I wrote my thoughts down, it would weigh less. Well, I now have a 200 page self-hate journal. I can't explain how stupidly obsessed I have become with the small things...The quality of conversations, how often I speak, what people do when I am not around... I am paranoid, lonely... But reaching out only drives my obsessions crazy.

With my obsessions and exhaustion, I have made attempts to "knock myself out." Taking way more melatonin than a person should, drinking those lemony drinks for colds, and even just throwing myself face down into the pillow. All of these have just made me more awake, and more aware of my thoughts.

What have I done to start the drastic changes? Well, I made a dr's appointment. And I also gave my 2 week notice at work, and applied for jobs where I know I will be a better fit and not treated like honeysuckle every other day. But what can change my brain? Only me. I am scared to rely on me.

As I mentioned in another thread. Did you try to do some exercise? Using your body affects your brain in a good way, and can help you slowly rid yourself of those counterproductive thought patterns.

Oldyoung said:

As I mentioned in another thread. Did you try to do some exercise? Using your body affects your brain in a good way, and can help you slowly rid yourself of those counterproductive thought patterns.

Click to expand...

I feel like I am always on my feet during the day.

I don't know, but I do know you just described how I feel a lot of my waking hours better than I have been able to in months. It always comes back around, but I find ways to fight off my anger, depression, my very deep pool of emotions that seem to be extreme in one way or another. I calm myself, find friends who also stay up late. I know what I want is someone else who stays up late thinking, feeling way too hard, whether it be Insomnia or another cause. But that's just not realistic where I'm from, haha. I bought a punching bag for exercise and I try to surround myself with people who I know will either share my emotions, letting it blossom rather than stay in my head all alone, or I distract myself as best I can. Sometimes it just takes time to pass. A bit of breathing control. Though my doctor explained that I may be bi-polar, I didn't really feel it all until my ex and I broke up. But looking back, I've been this way my entire life. Kicking over a watering can as a child made me cry because I just KNEW it had feelings too, you know?

Then once I organized every VHS Tape my family owned. Only to decide I didn't like how it looked, so I knocked them all down and smiled. Embrace yourself. Be yourself. It's what I tell myself. Otherwise, how will the person who's out there right now, looking for someone just like me ever find me? I'm no help, I know. ^.^ But I thought I would share some thoughts.

Sorry to hear it Amy. Hope your head finds itself in a better place soon.

go for a good brisk walk, its different than being on your feet ...BURN the journal

we are our own worst critics
I like this ...be the person your dog thinks you are!

I call that our "stinkin thinkin'". We are often far too hard on ourselves.

And sometimes we are just as hard on ourselves as others are.

I used to get caught it in my own thinking. But, it really becomes unproductive and didnt move my life forward. In order to modify that, i really just began to focus on living my life for Today. Experiencing today. What can I do Today that moves my life forward? And what can i enjoy Today that makes my life happier. For instance, this morning there were a lot of pretty birds out at my bird feeder. I sat down to have my coffee and enjoyed that. I have learned that life is best lived in the moment. I never used to live in the moment but was either thinking about the past or planning the future and totally missing Today. Immerse yourself in today. Find passion in what you are doing today. If you are cooking a meal for yourself today, then challenge yourself. Find a new recipe, experiment. Make yourself a really good meal instead of the same old same old. Little things like that can make a big difference.