Extreme Weight Loss

I have been under a depression on and off for a few years now, and today it all came to a somewhat shocking realization.

I am killing myself, very slowly, by not eating.

This isn't what I want. I don't want to die, but I am struggling to get out of bed, struggling to maintain my weight, and it's not working.

To give an example, on Friday, I had a good breakfast with a friend, and she told me my weight loss was noticeable. I promised her I would eat, and I did, but it was only energy bars. I think my total caloric intake that day was around 1200-1500 calories. According to my height, I need at least 2000 to just maintain my weight. Then, in the last two days, I barely left my bed, and when I should have consumed 4000 calories minimum, I probably totaled 1100 for both days combined.

Today, I took a shower, and images of concentration camp survivors flooded my brain. It's the lightest I've ever been. I'm not sure of the exact weight, but I know I have never seen myself in such a state.

The trouble is, I know what I need to do to stop this, but doing it is another matter. Part of my brain floods me with sad images, crippling feelings, and all I want to do is sleep. The saddest part of this is I have a friend whose mother just had surgery to fix a problem with her large intestine. She was not digesting food, so in the span of a couple of months, she lost a ton of weight. Now, she is in a hospital recovering from the surgery, and her prognosis is good. And here I sit, having to deal with a weight loss issue not caused by a physical ailment, but by a mental one, and it shames me.

This isn't anorexia, either. I don't see myself as needing to lose weight. I also don't binge and purge. I simply do not eat. Part of me expects my body to rebel and give me a nice heart attack any day now. Boy, wouldn't that be a capper to a messed up situation? "Local man dies of heart attack because he would not eat. Friends say he was a dumbass."

Anyway, off to have lunch. I'll try to add something to the order to give me a little extra to put on some weight.

I actually experienced the same thing as you. I used to spend all day in bed sometimes, skipping meals.
Still I can't really tell what worked for me... I guess the first step is realizing there is a problem with the current situation.
Next is finding a gradual (and maybe slow, why not) way of solving it, step by step.

Try fighting negative thoughts, by replacing them with positive ones, if you can (it's very hard, I know). Then.. is there any food you especially like? Feel free to PM if you want to talk.

Case said:

I promised her I would eat, and I did, but it was only energy bars. I think my total caloric intake that day was around 1200-1500 calories. According to my height, I need at least 2000 to just maintain my weight.

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You won't have a heart attack from eating 1500 ish calories per day. Remember your body adjusts eventually. Sometimes called "starvation mode". There are people that actually eat 1/2 their recommended calories every single day, on purpose. It is called Calorie Restriction and ironically enough, you are probably extending your life by slowing your metabolism. In addition, one of the things that the body needs nutrients for is digestion. So, if you are eating less, you need less nutrients. In addition if you are sitting in bed you are burning less.

I did a very low calorie diet 800 cals a day under medical supervision. There was no need. The nurse basically told me that was really just there for the people who had issues like diabetes. If you didn't have an underlying condition you would be fine. Some people who are preparing for gastric bypass get put on a 500 calorie --yes you read that right -- diet for months and they weigh like 400 lbs so their calorie needs are probably like 5000 per day.

I suppose I would recommend buying some extremely calorie dense things to add to your food. Such as butter. If you don't like to make your foods / like grabbing an energy bar, foods like muffins can provide a tremendous calorie count.

I don't think your calory intake is life-threatening yet either and LonelySutton gave a good insight into the topic. Knowing what your current actual weight is would be helpful regardless so you don't drop into critical levels. It is a long trail there though, I lost 25-30 pounds in my late youth and went from slightly chubby to quite skinny (without growing) but it was still within range. Nowadays, on quiet weekends, when I just stay at home or in front of the computer I eat a regular breakfast and don't get hungry till late afternoon either. I don't see the point in eating at too strict times if I'm not even hungry by then.

Regular (and at least remotely healthy) meals are important though and they are part of dealing with depression because they get order and routine into your life. I can tell your self-image really is not your problem...but not being able or not caring to maintain yourself is and that can be dangerous. You wouldn't want to develop any deficiencies either. There are probably a lot of other factors in your life right now which contribute to this and you need to set into order what you can. Lastly, shame is not helping and there's no need to feel it. Depression is also an illness. It won't kill you, but it will wear you down so much till side effects do the job. Don't let that happen.

Thanks Wayfarer, LonelyS, and Rodent. Maybe it isn't life-threatening, but the shock I had in the mirror today was enough to really scare me. Even though I don't know my exact weight, I do know this: My optimum weight (so I am told) is around 190lbs. I'm 6'-2". What I saw in the mirror today makes me think I am somewhere between 150 or 160. I am guess-timating based on what I know about my body and how it has looked when I had my scales with me. Whatever my weight actually is, visually, I have never seen myself so thin, and it's frightening. It wouldn't take much for me to look like the WWII images of concentration camp survivors. My ribs stick out, my pelvic bone is now protruding, I've lost all of the fat in my legs to where my knees knock together when I walk. I've had to modify my dress in public because I feel embarrassed to walk outside. I wonder if people can see how thin I am just by seeing my face, and it bothers me. Fortunately, it's not enough to stop me from going outside. So, at least I have that going for me.

The thing is, my life is in disarray. I am unemployed; I rent a room because I cannot afford a place of my own, but that room is gone at the end of the month because the tenants are moving out, so I will need a new place to stay; That means I need to find a place that will take someone who is unemployed. I have savings and unemployment insurance to help me through this patch, so money's not an immediate issue, but I also have no health insurance, so I cannot get any medical help without it costing me an arm and a leg.

All of this, the failure to find work, the constant unsteady housing situation, my loneliness, my depression, all of it, contributes to a feeling of misery that causes me to spend my days inert and immobile. And it lowers my motivation, which causes a circular effect back to the negative.

And it's hard... so hard just to maintain what little motivation I have right now. It feels like I'm seeing a healthy and prosperous "me" standing atop Mount Everest waving at me. Then, I look down and see the path I have to climb to get there, and it's beyond daunting. So, I climb my way to the first base camp, and stay there, convincing myself that I can't go any higher, and calling myself a failure.

Maybe it's a bad analogy, but my mind is a quagmire at the moment, so I feel lost, grasping for anything to help me survive. And while I have a few friends, they are all dealing with their own serious issues right now, and I have no right to lay mine onto them. Which is why I come here and hope that I can get solace or motivation or something to help me.

Case said:

The thing is, my life is in disarray. I am unemployed; I rent a room because I cannot afford a place of my own, but that room is gone at the end of the month because the tenants are moving out, so I will need a new place to stay; That means I need to find a place that will take someone who is unemployed. I have savings and unemployment insurance to help me through this patch, so money's not an immediate issue, but I also have no health insurance, so I cannot get any medical help without it costing me an arm and a leg. Which is why I come here and hope that I can get solace or motivation or something to help me.

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Oh I am sorry Case I didn't know that. I was unemployed for a while and it did really mess with me. I turned into this lump that felt like I was losing my mind. Here is my suggestion, and what I did. I got a temporary job with a temp agency. I found it quite easy to get something -- I ended up proof reading a health insurance handbook -- and I got paid pretty well. The unemployment insurance was tolled while I was working but, if the temp job went longer than 8 weeks I re-qualified for 27 weeks when the temp job was done. Lost the job through no fault of my own. Maybe ask unemployment how that might work.

But what it did the most (and I was shocked I need this) was get me out of the house and provide some structure and forward movement to my life.

I know the terrifying feeling of not having heath insurance. That was another thing that weighed on me when I was unemployed. But the chances of needing it are exceedingly rare under 50.

I can't comment on the room situation but if I had to live in someone elses' room I probably would never want to leave.

I seem to remember you don't have family (is that right), could you move someplace cheaper with more jobs?

LonelySutton said:

Here is my suggestion, and what I did. I got a temporary job with a temp agency. I found it quite easy to get something -- I ended up proof reading a health insurance handbook -- and I got paid pretty well.

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Yes. My last job was a temp assignment, and you are correct. Having a routine schedule was very important because it gave me a purpose to keep moving every day.

LonelySutton said:

I know the terrifying feeling of not having heath insurance. That was another thing that weighed on me when I was unemployed. But the chances of needing it are exceedingly rare under 50.

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Well, I'm 49, so that's the reason for the added worry.

LonelySutton said:

I seem to remember you don't have family (is that right), could you move someplace cheaper with more jobs?

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I have options if I can't find housing, so I won't be homeless. But it's still another worry among the many worries I have right now. The challenge is to try to suck it up and overcome my negative mindset. Once I start moving, I'm okay. But just like UK train system that always warns people to "Mind the Gap" between the platform and the train, if I fear falling through that gap, then I'll never get on the train. So, if my internal fears are greater than my desire for change, I'll never improve. That's why I see today as somewhat of a blessing. A scary one, but maybe a motivating one.

It's sad that I have brought myself to this point of life where a look in the mirror can be considered a "moment of truth."