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Toni76

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Joined
May 11, 2015
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Finland
I've been reading on and off these forums for few years, never written anything before. But I guess I'm starting to be at the point where it couldn't hurt. I'm gonna write about my current situation and depression, it will be a long one, so I don't expect anyone to actually read it all.. I'm from Finland, so my English is not perfect, but I guess you can understand me well enough.

I just turned 40 early last month, in short my life is lonely, depressing, pathetic, I'm unemployed with no people what so ever in my life, I'm shy and socially awkward. I guess that would be the quick way to introduce myself :), but I'll write the full story, so here goes..

So I'm 40, but I look a lot younger, people often think I'm closer to 30 or so, year ago I still got asked for ID at the shop even, you should have seen the face of the sales person when I showed my ID :). Over here you need to show ID if they think you might be under 30. So I'm average normal looking I'd say, not ugly but not handsome. Must be the genes, both my parents looked a lot younger for their age.

My problems started around summer 2008, first up was divorce, after 8 years of marriage (she was Filipino). About half a year later my mother died somewhat unexpectedly, the loss was very painful for me, me and my mother were very close. I have no other family to speak of, my parents divorced in early 90s, my father remarried, he's still alive and I see him maybe few times a year, but we are not close and we don't really understand each other, so not much there. No other family or relatives, (yes there are relatives of course, cousins and aunts and uncles, but I don't even know their names, they never considered me and mother part of the family anyway).

After my mother's death I had some great help from my new girlfriend (Chinese) and she helped me a lot and I started to slowly improve and plan for the future, move up on my career a bit and so on. Managed to get to the position where I had always wanted in my life, I became a technical journalist, loving my job and all the self-esteem-boosts it gave me, in so many ways. About year later she left me and I started falling down on depression again.

Focusing on work was the key for survival, keeping my mind busy and not think about loneliness or such. I used to be somewhat a workaholic, around the clock and all weekends included, but I loved my job. It was good for a while, spring 2012 came and I decided to start one of my life-long dreams of learning a new language on my own, because of that I met the most amazing woman (Korean), my work was doing great, was traveling to far away places on work trips, and love life was looking fantastic. Afterwards now I would say that for a short period of one month in early summer 2012 I had the happiest time of my life. Well can't have that now, can we?

The company I worked for, had to start cutting expenses, so about 100 people had to go. My girlfriend dumped me in the fall, and one week later I was told that I'm one of the 100 who will be fired (along with my best friend who also worked in the same company). Apparently the new editor-in-chief who had just started working few months earlier and didn't know me or what I really did too well, decided that they don't need me, and that ended my 14 years of best ever job on earth :(. Naturally I had to move away from my current apartment to a somewhere "more cheap and smaller", which lead me to a small town, which has nothing to offer me, but it's not like I had much choices.

Early last year, against all odds, I met a new woman (Korean), and things got off to a great start. Things looked a bit more promising again, we were like made for each other on so many levels. Unfortunately I didn't see it coming that she had some serious mental problems, mostly due to her bad parents and low-self-esteem and bad jealousy issues. Almost every conversation ended up in a argument or misunderstanding, we were great when we were not arguing, which happened at least few times every day :(. Against all odds she got pregnant, didn't tell me anything about it, and got an abortion. Because I'm not stupid I figured it out and she just blamed me and said that she didn't think I could handle it. True, I don't want kids, but what she did was still not the right way. And from there on, all we had was endless arguments, so it all came to an end quickly :(.

As you can see from so far, my ex-gf's have all been Asian. So far in my life I've had 6 more serious relationships, all long-distance and all with Asian women. I've spent time in their countries, and they have visited me here. I've never been into women of my own country, and they have never been interested in me neither. For a shy, quiet and socially awkward person like me, meeting people (especially women) face to face, is just not happening ever. When meeting online, I can be more like myself, open and honest and not look like that shy quiet strange nerdy looking guy :). Many people would say online-dating never works and nothing good comes from it, well for me and the way I've been doing it, it has worked just great. I don't like the idea of being in a relationship with a woman of same age as me, who looks like she could be my mother (based on age/looks), women of my country don't age very well unfortunately :(.

I've now been unemployed for almost 4 years, there are no jobs for me left in this country on journalism, my second passion and skills are in software development, but since it's been secondary job/hobby for a lifetime, I don't have much actual work experience on that. I'm constantly learning new things on that, and doing mostly mobile game programming now, educational games and such for the fun of it. But after living like a hermit and not talking to people in many months easily, I've become so socially disconnected that I'm even afraid of the idea of getting a job. Don't think I would be even able to function in a normal working environment.

I love doing creative work, be it programming, making graphics for my own projects, or writing. But now for a good while, I haven't been able to focus on anything creative, I just feel empty, sad and lonely. In general my day begins by thinking what to do to make the day go away quickly, be it watching TV, playing a game, killing time online reading forums. Basically anything to make my mind wander off from thinking about myself and my current situation. I leave my apartment only few times a week to go to grocery, and even that is starting to be a challenge.

My best friend visits me sometimes, few times a year maybe. My 2nd best friend who lost his job from the same company few years later, finally found a perfect girl for himself and moved far away, so that was the end of that friendship pretty much, but I'm happy for him.. Or is envy the right word.. a 43 year old guy gets a good minded 26 year old girl? :). Anyway, my best friend is not the best person to have conversation about depression or loneliness, he's emotionally very cold person (his own words). He's 41 and been single and living alone for the past 20 years and doesn't feel any need to have anybody in his life, so he doesn't see loneliness as a problem, just the opposite, wish I could be like him :). But I'm the very opposite of him, very emotional, warm loving and caring honest and loyal type of a guy who just wants to have someone in his life to love and care for.

So at the moment my first step for somewhat better lifestyle, I suppose, would be to learn to accept the loneliness and that I'll be living my life like this for the rest of it. It's just **** difficult to try to accept it with a personality like mine :(. I am diabetic, and past few years my care for health has been on the "I don't care any more"-level, so if I hope hard enough, maybe I just wont wake up one day, hopefully that day comes soon.

I think I've written enough for now, it's not all that's been going badly for me lately, but it covers some of the bigger issues. If anybody wants to comment and give feedback or advice, feel free.. But please avoid the classic cliches that simply are useless to say, like "get a job", or "go out and make new friends", or "find a new hobby".. Not all advice is suitable for everybody or even possible.
 
Hei Toni, puhun suomen kielta vaikken tieda onko se sallitu kayttaa sita tassa saitissa. Haluan vain sanoa etta ymmarran asemaasi ja yksinaisyyttasi.
 
Tiina63 said:
Hei Toni, puhun suomen kielta vaikken tieda onko se sallitu kayttaa sita tassa saitissa. Haluan vain sanoa etta ymmarran asemaasi ja yksinaisyyttasi.

Err what? Is someone ripping off screen names? This is Ti ina 63. Mods can you check this out?
 
Tiina63 said:
Hei Toni, puhun suomen kielta vaikken tieda onko se sallitu kayttaa sita tassa saitissa. Haluan vain sanoa etta ymmarran asemaasi ja yksinaisyyttasi.

Thanks Tiina! (Toivottavasti ei tule ongelmia suomeksi vastaamisesta :).
 
LonelySutton said:
Tiina63 said:
Hei Toni, puhun suomen kielta vaikken tieda onko se sallitu kayttaa sita tassa saitissa. Haluan vain sanoa etta ymmarran asemaasi ja yksinaisyyttasi.

Err what? Is someone ripping off screen names? This is Ti ina 63. Mods can you check this out?

No, it's me. I speak Finnish and wanted to make Toni feel extra welcome by writing to him in his own language. I can understand your concern though as Finnish is an unusual language for a non Finn to speak.
 
Tiina63 said:
No, it's me. I speak Finnish and wanted to make Toni feel extra welcome by writing to him in his own language. I can understand your concern though as Finnish is an unusual language for a non Finn to speak.

Sorry, thanks for understanding ... glad it wasn't a spammer.
 
You are 40, divorced from an 8-year marriage and a further 9 serious relationships behind you. So you have the capacity to sustain meaningful relationships.

You seem to have an underlying depression and a focus on asian beauty. You overlook the women of your own country, nevertheless I'm sure there are women of your own age there who age very well indeed.

However, as you have had a lot of success meeting asian women, perhaps you should try and find one who will accept you for who you are and join you in your long-term goals, and remember that one day, you too will lose your youthful looks!

Believe me, I am not criticising you for being attracted to asians! I myself am a petite woman, married to a husband who prefers short / asian / asian-looking women. We've been married for 20 years and I met him when he was in his mid-forties, so don't give up hope.
 

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