Low Expectation Syndrome...

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LonelySutton

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I think I have decent self esteem, but I think one of the biggest issues in my life is that I always shoot too low in every aspect of my life. My co worker just got a new job and I stumbled upon her offer letter by accident -- it was in the common mail box. Her salary- obscene. Even though I have sort of equal goods and experience... I never even considered going for one of those jobs. In my heart I feel I wouldn't do well there because they are for "winners" and I am not one. But I never even tried.

When I was younger I had a bit of a spark. But I only had that spark when I was allowed to be nieve' about my life and pretend good things were going to happen. As I started seeing them not happen my eye of the tiger dropped out.

Same with marriage and kids. So I dated some guys half heatedly but I honestly think in the back of my head I had this idea that it was pretty pointless (accurate or not) I should have been working for the best guy I could get instead I just kind of sat around and waited for people to ask.

Maybe it is an energy issue, I know I have less energy than most... but, I also feel like I am just healthy enough not to be released from the expectations and disappointments of life.
 
So, knowing now that you could actually have achieved more than what you thought, would you go for more?
 
ladyforsaken said:
So, knowing now that you could actually have achieved more than what you thought, would you go for more?

I think no. I think that is scary. Why do I not shoot for the stars? Why do I not have this "energy" spark ambition that everyone else seems to have. I could do it... I just don't want to.
 
Find the things that you're excited about that you have to give your all and work really hard towards attaining your goals and achieving your dreams. Also, you have to know where you want to go to: if you don't know that, every road will take you there.

Focus on the road ahead that will lead to achieving your goals. From personal experience, a lot of the hard work that is required is mundane, routine and frankly just plain boring, but you have to get it done or you will not succeed.
 
LonesomeDay said:
Focus on the road ahead that will lead to achieving your goals. From personal experience, a lot of the hard work that is required is mundane, routine and frankly just plain boring, but you have to get it done or you will not succeed.

Ohh I got all my goals, but now I sit there wondering why I set goals so low? Did it seem higher at the time? Why do now, I still feel the need / desire not to pursue the absolute best.
 
LonelySutton said:
Ohh I got all my goals, but now I sit there wondering why I set goals so low? Did it seem higher at the time? Why do now, I still feel the need / desire not to pursue the absolute best.

You said earlier that you found the thought of achieving your potential scary.
Do you still feel this way?
 
At first, I wondered whether you'd created the term, so I did what any sentient mammal would do, googled it, and came up with the golem effect. However, that seems to correlate more with failure than not achieving as much as one might want. You, on the other hand, have achieved your goals-- you just wish you'd set them higher.

Well, as my therapist (who really was Viennese) said, "put ze vhip (whip) down!" Stop beating yourself up. You did the best you knew how to do at the time, you're gainfully employed, have enough money (it seems) to own a computer and have internet access, and you don't appear to be in prison.

You responded to ladyforsaken's question about whether, knowing you could have achieved more, would you go for it, thusly:

I think no. I think that is scary. Why do I not shoot for the stars? Why do I not have this "energy" spark ambition that everyone else seems to have. I could do it... I just don't want to.

So we're talking fear or, more precisely in the area of personal achievement, what Steven Pressfield calls "resistance." I first encountered the concept in his "The War of Art." Resistance is that thing within us that rises up when we dare to dream (it tells us it's too hard to do, or comes up with reasons why we shouldn't try), when we take the first steps towards that dream (we're wasting our time, people won't approve), and when we're on the verge of achieving our dream (it's not meaningful, we should have done something else, it was a waste of time).

I'm scared too, probably more scared than you, and I've probably accomplished less than you have...but I still have breath in my lungs and a semi-working brain and a desire not to be miserably stuck, so I'm going to reread "War of Art" and relearn what I obviously should have learned the first time. I don't know you but I'd like to hear that you're trying something too. As Saint-Exupery said, "what saves us is to take a step, then another step. It's always the same step, but you have to take it."
 
I haven't reached any my goals so far, which are simply the commodities of a normal life.
 
Goals? Bunch of bullshit...
I've had the rug pulled out from under me too many times to have any faith in goals, or stability. I'm already barred from a life worthy of being called a life. Right now all I worry about is losing what little I do have left, because there are plenty of people who would love to put me away like an animal and I have no real legitimate power to stop them.

When I stop to think that this is the fate of some 10-15% of the population at least, and possibly much more, it is difficult to believe in the prevailing ideologies of success and prosperity, etc. etc. I don't know how many people realize just how rotten this system is, and their place in it; even I don't fully realize the full extent of the monstrosity, and I only know as much as I do because I must.
 
there is no hope said:
Goals? Bunch of bullshit...
I've had the rug pulled out from under me too many times to have any faith in goals, or stability. I'm already barred from a life worthy of being called a life. Right now all I worry about is losing what little I do have left, because there are plenty of people who would love to put me away like an animal and I have no real legitimate power to stop them.

When I stop to think that this is the fate of some 10-15% of the population at least, and possibly much more, it is difficult to believe in the prevailing ideologies of success and prosperity, etc. etc. I don't know how many people realize just how rotten this system is, and their place in it; even I don't fully realize the full extent of the monstrosity, and I only know as much as I do because I must.

They don't realize how rotten this system is because they manage to fit in to an extent. If it works form them it should mean it can work for all.
 
That is what gets me though - when the system is obviously broken and people can see in front of them its failures, how can people look on it and feed the furnace? Not just a matter of passive ignorance, but actively choosing to do horrible things time and time again? I refuse to believe it is a lack of intelligence, since I'm a stupidass and these people are all supposedly better than me.
 
Change your expectation in life ,ask more from life because you deserve it .It may could have a litle sentiment of inferiority but you can heal that .Just fiind a good puspose to work for and be grateful every day for litle things and you will see that hapiness will come in your life
 
I was thinking about this also because I saw a study that said that those who are successful do not hesitate. They just take action. I am not this way. It isn't hesitation so much but generally with regard to anything I need like a consensus of people kind of to agree. Even if in the end I don't agree and do what I want, I feel like I have to run it though a filter first...while others just do it. Also, I don't consider myself one that cares what other people think, but, in a weird way, I do. A good example is like Trump. If I were to run for president I might not because I wouldn't have any experience.. but he and other like him, just do it. And when he gets opposition he just knows it is there, but doesn't take it to heart.

There is sort of a "I am important" to him and everyone else that I know like this. They just do. The wishes of others ... the thoughts of others don't come into play ever, while with me... they don't come into play if I disagree with them but, they can dampen me.

So, in the end, I do start to wonder if I have a self esteem problem that is more complex... maybe more "under the radar" that is holding me back.
 
I studied this topic in university and lately its been on my mind. I could never understand why my mind was ridiculously motivated and my body never followed. Heres what i learned...

Motivation comes from the hormone dopamine. If you have good levels of dopamine then you are motivated, if you have poor levels of dopamine then you are unmotivated. And its still not that simple because you can be highly motivated in your mind, thinking of all the things you want to do, and then not do them... thats lack of dopamine resulting in no motivating energy.

Dopamine is produced as a byproduct of the anticipation of reward. If you know that you will get a reward your body produces dopamine in anticipation of the reward and it gives you the drive to accomplish your goal.

This is where that whole positive thinking honeysuckle comes in and this is how some people are messed up by it.

If in life you have made numerous fair attempts to get what you want and have failed, your baseline levels of dopamine are going to be low.

People who have had hard knocks are going to have low dopamine levels because their reward centre was never properly conditioned and developed in a healthy way.

If anticipation results in disappointment, then it causes low dopamine baseline. If anticipation results in reward then it reinforces the reward anticipation to expect reward in the future.

Its like a viscous cycle. Unfortunately the only way to break out of is to fight against your neurochemicals. Do things even when you have no energy or motivation, do it anyway.

You have to be that robot until you start seeing reward and that reward will then motivate you to get more reward and then more reward will normalize the dopamine levels and create motivation.

Children who lacked reward from parents for good deeds and accomplishments are hard wired to give up easily or shoot to low because of this

Children who get dysfunctional backwards reinforcement, are in an even worse situation as adults. Their dopamine is probably very low, maybe even too low to be bothered to try. The remedy is the same no matter what.

Just do it, thats all.

And on that note, I will likely continue doing f**k all to fix my situation because I seriously lack motivation lol.

Another option might be creating rewards for yourself for reaching goals. I know its a bit of a fluff cliche but it still conditions the brain.

Think about reward, think about reward, anticipate reward, get reward... repeat

Thats how dopamine is produced and each repetition it gets stronger and easier, but getting through the motions with low dopamine is very very difficult and painful and exhausting.

I'm no where close. Im just fully lost in my own head. Knowing and doing are so far apart in my world.
 
@'stork_error'

^

This is what a useful post looks like. Lets takes notes, please.
 
Thanks, that was interesting.

I wonder if perhaps, fear could be a temporary substitute for anticipating reward, and the alleviation of fear the reward. As in, think intensely about what a loser you'll feel like if you don't at least try x or y. It's about the only thing that seems to work at the moment
 
ardour said:
Thanks, that was interesting.

I wonder if perhaps, fear could be a temporary substitute for anticipating reward, and the alleviation of fear the reward. As in, think intensely about what a loser you'll feel like if you don't at least try x or y. It's about the only thing that seems to work at the moment

I think that would be considered to be running on adrenalin :)
 
I was surprised when I read this thread, because I have had the same problem all my life. I just didn't know what it was called. I've always had a feeling that no matter what I do, it won't be enough because I'm just fundamentally not good enough and I can't get any better either. I feel like I've always expected myself to fail, because I've never felt like I was talented or gifted or special in any way. I've never felt like I was a natural at anything. I've never felt confident in my abilities.

When I was growing up, I didn't feel good at anything like sports or artistic pursuits or academics. I was supposedly considered smart, but I felt like either the teachers were wrong or that I was just smart enough for it to show up on their tests, but not smart enough for it to really get me anywhere. I felt like everyone else did things easier, faster, and better than I felt I could do. In fact, I wondered if maybe I wasn't a little bit weak and slow. I didn't feel like I was good at being social either, so I expected failure there too. I never knew the right things to say or the right way to act or carry myself. Granted, there weren't a lot of people around that liked the same things as me and in retrospect my peers seemed to be especially unfriendly, so that might have had something to do with it. But because I felt so clueless, I expected failure here too.

This expectation of failure persisted into adulthood. I never felt like I could get a good job. I never felt smart enough or lucky enough. Because of this, I was never motivated to do much career research because I thought I couldn't find anything that I could do that would be interesting and/or make a decent salary. I completed a degree but didn't make the most of my opportunity to go to college. I have a hard time feeling like I can make an average amount of money, let alone a lot of it. In fact, I have a hard time seeing myself as anything but poor. I've always felt like I just lacked the quick, sharp mind and instinct required to make money.

I also have a hard time seeing myself getting good at anything, even if I work hard, even if I practice. Once again, it's because of this fearful feeling that I don't have any talent. I have had various interests I've been wanting to do for years now, but my effort has been inconsistent because I have a hard time convincing myself that my practice will matter. I constantly worry that I just don't have enough natural ability to be good at anything.

Finally, the same goes for relationships. My low expectation syndrome manifested again when I felt like I wasn't attractive or interesting enough for the ones I wanted, or even for anyone. Because I felt like I was just not good enough and couldn't ever be, I didn't do much to try to make myself attractive. I could see myself dating someone I'm not crazy about but that I feel is all I can get, or just being single forever. Like everything else I have a hard time seeing myself successful in this area of life as well.

Because I have such difficulty seeing myself succeed in any area of life, my motivation and energy levels have been very low, whether it's to apply to jobs, to look for a career I'd actually like, to think of ideas for a business, to practice any interests I have, to learn anything new, or to talk to girls. It's hard to get myself fired up when I expect to just lose anyway.

I think this started in childhood as a means to protect myself from both disappointment and mockery. If I had low expectations, then I wouldn't be that disappointed if I failed because I had less far to fall. Also, I would have an excuse if I failed, because I never claimed to be good at it. But I wonder how many things in my life could have gone my way if I had confidence, if I felt like I did have ability or at least that I could get better if I tried. This low expectation syndrome had me feeling like I have no ability, going into everything expecting to fail, always having the attitude that I'm probably not good enough. I wonder if it's a question of ability at all, or if I ruined my chances because I thought failure was inevitable and my only hope was to get a lucky break, so I didn't put much thought or effort into my life.

I've been trying to disprove my low expectation syndrome for a little while now, trying to find stories of people who were in the same situations I'm in and who were successful eventually. I've been thinking back through all the times in my life where things have turned out wrong and trying to show myself that it wasn't because I just aren't good enough, but rather because I either did things the wrong way or didn't put forth enough effort to succeed. But I'm still having a hard time shaking this feeling of being just not good enough. It's been this way for so long it's become my default setting. Even if I could start getting some successes, my confidence would be coming from things outside of me versus within, and I feel like that's the only way it will really stick. I need to internalize it. But considering the way things have gone and the way they are, I'm having a hard time changing this feeling.
 
TheSkaFish said:
I was surprised when I read this thread, because I have had the same problem all my life. I just didn't know what it was called.

FYI all, I just made this name up. It isn't an official thing. Interestingly I was watching the movie "Rudy" the other day, it is a favorite of mine and was what I used to motivate me when I was trying to get into grad school. I think this could very well be "L.E.S". Think about it. All freaking Rudy wanted to do was GET INTO NOTRE DAME. And play ball for like 7 seconds. I mean, this is a goal? But for him -It was the highest peak. Even now I kind of want to find him and ask him, why? Seems like such a low goal. But darn if that movie doesnt make me cry.

But watching it I did get some clues.

Currently I am starting to think it all comes down to support and mentoring. In my early life I think I did succeed more and was on the track of being high expectation due to the support and mentoring of my parents and other nice people. In the last 10 years I have been subjected to an unending series of people who were not supportive and they have pushed expectations down. I got this from "Rudy" because if you watch that movie it is rather shocking how completely unhelpful ALL his friends and family are to the slightest of goals and Rudy only gets picked up by a few outsiders who believe in him. And those who support him give him things (like help get him into feeder schools).

So when I look to people who do have high expectations and achieve them... they do have support from family, friends, and mentors at work and TAKE NOTHING ELSE. I see how that they just move away from you if you don't help them... (as you should)

I also think that I too often put everyone else first.

This low expectation syndrome had me feeling like I have no ability, going into everything expecting to fail, always having the attitude that I'm probably not good enough. I wonder if it's a question of ability at all, or if I ruined my chances because I thought failure was inevitable and my only hope was to get a lucky break, so I didn't put much thought or effort into my life. ne else before me.. even strangers... but those who are high expectation put themselves first.

I had a little of this until I sort of got pushed out of the nest. In an effort to get away from my parents who wanted me to live with them forever I only saw the out of moving to go to grad school which they would accept. I fully intended on failing so I had pressure on me. Interestingly, I just realized this occurred 20 years ago this month. I went to law school and did my best. I just wanted to see how I could do. I knocked it out of the park. Later when I took the bar exam I approached it the same way... that I was going to fail and it was just practice. And I passed. So at least now I have these under my belt.

However, I have had failures and so I do have serious doubts about certain aspects of my life that try and try again, I fail with. Do I over extrapolate the failures?

I am constantly surprised when things go right. I actually started a success journal to remember when things go right but the problem is I can't remember them easily. I have to literally go read them and try to hold on to them and then they just like fall out of my head. The denial is so strong only negative memories say in my head.
 

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