Case
Well-known member
Why is it that when I get more depressed and lonely that I push away the people who could help me the most?
I'm having a difficult time being between jobs and having to move three times in the last few months, and my friends know I am struggling. But I've been doing something lately that seems utterly counter-productive.
Today, I was with three lady friends, one of whom is one of my best friends. I'll call her "M." We used to hang out a lot, talk about our respective lives, see movies, share advice, etc. Over the last year or two, we've been less social like that, and I only see "M" in groups because she is so busy. So, if I'm not doing well, after one of these gatherings, she'd stop me before I left and we'd talk for a bit about how things are going. "M" has helped me so much in the recent past that I literally feel like we are siblings. I am so fortunate to be able to call her my friend.
Anyway, back to today. I'm joking, laughing, and having a good time with my friends, but I am really just trying my hardest not to think about me, or my problems, or anything that has to do with my current situation. But "M" has always been able to sense my body language, and I'm not doing much to hide it. Half the time, I'm sitting in a chair, laughing, and my body-language makes me look like I'm about to be scolded; shoulders hunched, hands between my legs grabbing the edge of the chair, arms stiff, occasionally rocking forward and backward... Not exactly the model of relaxation, right?
Now, the kicker is that I don't want to discuss anything after our meeting. I feel that there is a high probability that "M" will stop me before I get to my car, and ask me how I am doing. And I don't want to have this conversation. So, when it comes time to leave, I am the first one out the door, and I cannot wait to get away.
Why? "M" is like my sister. Why am I scared to talk to her? I almost ran out of the place like I was late trying to catch a train. I can only imagine what she must be thinking about me. But I have been pushing her away, and I don't get it. It's the first time I've felt so low that I have started declining invitations, avoided talking about my situation, and certainly the first time I'm practically running away to avoid my best friend.
Is there a level of depression where this is normal, where shunning my best friend makes any sense at all?
TL: DR - I'm so depressed now that I'm pushing away the most important people in my life and I don't know why I am so afraid to talk to them.
I'm having a difficult time being between jobs and having to move three times in the last few months, and my friends know I am struggling. But I've been doing something lately that seems utterly counter-productive.
Today, I was with three lady friends, one of whom is one of my best friends. I'll call her "M." We used to hang out a lot, talk about our respective lives, see movies, share advice, etc. Over the last year or two, we've been less social like that, and I only see "M" in groups because she is so busy. So, if I'm not doing well, after one of these gatherings, she'd stop me before I left and we'd talk for a bit about how things are going. "M" has helped me so much in the recent past that I literally feel like we are siblings. I am so fortunate to be able to call her my friend.
Anyway, back to today. I'm joking, laughing, and having a good time with my friends, but I am really just trying my hardest not to think about me, or my problems, or anything that has to do with my current situation. But "M" has always been able to sense my body language, and I'm not doing much to hide it. Half the time, I'm sitting in a chair, laughing, and my body-language makes me look like I'm about to be scolded; shoulders hunched, hands between my legs grabbing the edge of the chair, arms stiff, occasionally rocking forward and backward... Not exactly the model of relaxation, right?
Now, the kicker is that I don't want to discuss anything after our meeting. I feel that there is a high probability that "M" will stop me before I get to my car, and ask me how I am doing. And I don't want to have this conversation. So, when it comes time to leave, I am the first one out the door, and I cannot wait to get away.
Why? "M" is like my sister. Why am I scared to talk to her? I almost ran out of the place like I was late trying to catch a train. I can only imagine what she must be thinking about me. But I have been pushing her away, and I don't get it. It's the first time I've felt so low that I have started declining invitations, avoided talking about my situation, and certainly the first time I'm practically running away to avoid my best friend.
Is there a level of depression where this is normal, where shunning my best friend makes any sense at all?
TL: DR - I'm so depressed now that I'm pushing away the most important people in my life and I don't know why I am so afraid to talk to them.