h3donist
Well-known member
As some of you know I'm nearly finished with my ex wife. I left her after 10 years of a loveless, intimacyless (we slept in seperate rooms ffs!) and horrendous relationship in March last year. The divorce came through in January and the house is nearly sold which will sever all ties with her. Besides which she's moved on and is engaged to another man already so there's no doubt that it's a done deal.
She had been my first and only girlfriend, I met aged 25 and I had nobody before that. She didn't love me - that was clear but it took ten years for me to summon up the courage to end it - she pretty much used me as a bank, taxi driver, emotional and physical punchbag and general dogsbody. So I'm now 35, and if I'm honest with myself, I've never actually ever been in love - because she never loved me. The relationship was based on fear and dependancy.
I vowed to myself last year that I'd never enter a relationship again without being sure it was the exactly the right one for me, and I've so far enjoyed being single, the freedom of being able to go anywhere and do anything without someone constantly whinging that I wasn't doing exactly what she wanted me to do (or indeed actually doing what she wanted me to do, which made me a "weak useless doormat and she wishes I was a real man - whatever that's supposed to mean")
I have big plans, travelling, going on holiday with friends, seeing my family more etc. Yet I still find myself yearning for the things that people in good relationships have - someone to hold hands with, hug, kiss and enjoy being with. It's the classic "grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" scenario which I understand - we always yearn for the unobtainable.
So this constant battle between head, heart and libido (not helped by the fact that I'm pretty much the only single person I know) is doing my head in. I want to be loved, but I'm scared of it at the same time in case I end up in another abusive relationship. I want to be free to do all the stuff I'm doing, yet the thought of going home to a meal for one and a cold empty bed fills me with loneliness.
I know I want to be free to go travelling and do whatever I want to do - but struggling to deal with being single I guess.
Gahhhh!!
No question really just a brain dump.
She had been my first and only girlfriend, I met aged 25 and I had nobody before that. She didn't love me - that was clear but it took ten years for me to summon up the courage to end it - she pretty much used me as a bank, taxi driver, emotional and physical punchbag and general dogsbody. So I'm now 35, and if I'm honest with myself, I've never actually ever been in love - because she never loved me. The relationship was based on fear and dependancy.
I vowed to myself last year that I'd never enter a relationship again without being sure it was the exactly the right one for me, and I've so far enjoyed being single, the freedom of being able to go anywhere and do anything without someone constantly whinging that I wasn't doing exactly what she wanted me to do (or indeed actually doing what she wanted me to do, which made me a "weak useless doormat and she wishes I was a real man - whatever that's supposed to mean")
I have big plans, travelling, going on holiday with friends, seeing my family more etc. Yet I still find myself yearning for the things that people in good relationships have - someone to hold hands with, hug, kiss and enjoy being with. It's the classic "grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" scenario which I understand - we always yearn for the unobtainable.
So this constant battle between head, heart and libido (not helped by the fact that I'm pretty much the only single person I know) is doing my head in. I want to be loved, but I'm scared of it at the same time in case I end up in another abusive relationship. I want to be free to do all the stuff I'm doing, yet the thought of going home to a meal for one and a cold empty bed fills me with loneliness.
I know I want to be free to go travelling and do whatever I want to do - but struggling to deal with being single I guess.
Gahhhh!!
No question really just a brain dump.