Finding a relationship when people don't give you a chance

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MentatsGhoul

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I really don't wish to sound like an entitled internet "nice guy" here, so apologies if I come off like that. But to give credit where credit is due, I really don't think I'm that bad of a catch once someone gets to know me. I'm good looking, in decent shape. I have a strange sense of humour, but to the people who actually enjoy it I can be a really funny guy, hell just recently my best friend said 75% of her laughing fits are because of me. And yes, while I am a bit of a sarcastic tactless *******, I'd like to think I have a good heart, give everyone a fair chance, admit my shortcomings and would go through hell for the few people I actually care about.

Just, the problem is I'm not someone who exactly draws people in with my overwhelming charisma. Just the opposite in fact. People who don't know me usually avoid me like the plague. I have quite a bit of social anxiety so I don't know how to act around people I don't know, often either being too distant and not being able to say anything, or the opposite, getting too familiar too quick and putting people off. This is a huge obstacle for making friends, but it's especially apparent when it comes to finding a relationship. There's just... so little initial attraction there, that I have barely anything to work with. It doesn't help that I admittedly don't feel much attraction (at least not beyond physical) to many girls anyway. It's like I talk to girls and they just instantly put a block on me. And no, I know my boundaries and I don't act "creepy" or anything. I just don't have that "spark" that makes people take notice of you and want to get closer, and that puts a huge roadblock on my chances of finding someone.

It's just... I don't know. People will usually say "Work on yourself and put yourself out there". But, despite being depressed and having anxiety, I'm okay with "myself" 99% of the time, and I am aware of most of major faults and am trying to be above them, and putting myself out there just doesn't help. I'm not really sure what the point of this thread was, just, can anyone relate or give advice? I feel the only hope I have is if I get extremely lucky and have enough chemistry with someone that I can be myself instantly. Normal dating seems impossible for someone like me, as I'd never even get to the first date, and if I did, I'd probably weird her out or bore her to death.
 
I dunno man. In a similar boat except im not in amazing shape. Shits rough. Just gotta keep trying I guess.
 
I'm also in a similar boat. Like you I tend to come across as either too distant or too familiar, both of which put others off. And on dates I find talking hard-usually the other person leaves it down to me to carry the entire conversation which is a real struggle. You sound very much like an introvert and it is harder for us to draw others to us. As you say, you put yourself out there but nothing happens. I wish I knew the answer.
 
I really wish I had some great advice for you here, but I'm in the same boat. Ive tried online dating but if anything it just makes me feel even more worthless and useless. I don't consider myself to be a great catch, I'm human I've got flaws. But surely there's someone out there that'd give me chance, at least that's what I thought. In 3 years of on and off online dating I've seen a very high number of active female users still active even after 3 years. Let me say that again "THREE YEARS" in three years they couldn't find even one guy worth giving a shot?! It's the way the world works now they're looking for Mr Perfect they might not say it but that's the plain and simple fact of the matter. I'm sure that they'll continue to do the same until the the reality of time dawns on them and they realise Mr Perfect doesn't exist and time is no longer on their side. it's a known fact that women get 100s of messages per month on dating sites maybe even per day, so there's no shortage of choice. Take one particular user I've seen on a certain dating site, she was one of the first profiles I clicked on way back in 2013. She's nice looking, comes across as understanding and kind and seems quite interesting. I made a new profile just this week and she's still there and online! In 3 years she couldn't find one worthwhile guy?! I seriously doubt that to be the case. Say my 100 a month messages guesstimate is correct (I suspect it's much more) that's 3600 messages, let's knock some off for more than one message from the same guy so let's say 2500 messages from different guys, out of 2500 guys she couldn't connect with even one of them enough to give them a shot not to mention all the guys she meets in real life. I'm just using one user as an example here I've seen many many more where the same is true. You're far from alone in not being able to connect with someone on a relationship level, but I certainly wouldn't put yourself down as 100% to blame when there's so many women out there that just don't want to give ANY guy a chance. Not sure anything I've said here will make you feel any better but I hope it does. It's helped me get a few things off my chest at least.

AJ
 
I'm guilty of being too distant with people I don't know well. Like you, I have a bit of social anxiety and I'm shy, so sometimes I guess I come across unapproachable and seem like I don't want to talk to you when in actuality I'm tentative in taking the initiative.

Trick is not to think too much in to it and just do/say whatever feels natural.
 
Same issues with coming across distant, boring or awkwardly friendly. No advice either. The same things apply with making friends tbh though. It's the idea that you have to be special in some way that really gets me. So how can that be true for most people? Believing in concepts like a 'spark' are obnoxious because often the people who want that instant gratification/connection seem to have very little that's remarkable about them, almost like they want someone else to compensate for that.

Tiina63 said:
And on dates I find talking hard-usually the other person leaves it down to me to carry the entire conversation which is a real struggle.

This, so very much, but generally with new acquaintances since I don't go on dates. They'll say 'hi' and then just stand there expecting you to just carry to whole interaction, like you know, 'prove yourself to me'. No spark I guess.
 
Not everyone is supposed to give us chances. I'd rather keep waiting for that one person who does than to keep going through people.
 
VanillaCreme said:
Not everyone is supposed to give us chances. I'd rather keep waiting for that one person who does than to keep going through people.

Sorry to flog this dead horse, but if we wait it's pretty much guaranteed nothing will happen.
 
ardour said:
VanillaCreme said:
Not everyone is supposed to give us chances. I'd rather keep waiting for that one person who does than to keep going through people.

Sorry to flog this dead horse, but if we wait it's pretty much guaranteed nothing will happen.

I didn't say to sit on your ass and do nothing. But don't expect absolutely everyone you come across to want you. That's not realistic either. And nothing's guaranteed, whether you wait or go after it.
 
VanillaCreme said:
ardour said:
VanillaCreme said:
Not everyone is supposed to give us chances. I'd rather keep waiting for that one person who does than to keep going through people.

Sorry to flog this dead horse, but if we wait it's pretty much guaranteed nothing will happen.

I didn't say to sit on your ass and do nothing. But don't expect absolutely everyone you come across to want you. That's not realistic either. And nothing's guaranteed, whether you wait or go after it.

To be fair, that wasn't really what I was trying to say with this thread. Obviously not everyone, not even most people, even if you can be considered objectively attractive, won't "want" you, and sure, no one is being overdramatic and saying it's impossible and it'll never happen either. Just wanted to point out a general problem I, and I'm sure others judging from the responses can have when finding a relationship in terms of breaking the ice and getting through the initial barrier of awkwardness. Every person has that barrier with (nearly) every new person they meet, but some people have it much more than others due to certain personality traits or giving off a certain "vibe" to others.

EDIT: Also, to clarify a bit further, I kind of agree with ardour on this one. No one "owes" you a chance. I mean, if you're happy to wait and happy to be single in the meantime, accepting that it might not happen at all, sure, that's your choice (which, if I gather correctly from your comments, is pretty much your attitude). But if you genuinely want a relationship and would strongly prefer it to being single, then you can't afford to have the attitude of "I'll just wait for them to come to me".
 
@ OP. Yup, same here. I am a decent guy, smart, not a "bad guy" type of guy, and treat people well. However, I am more on the quiet side, and like your case, people avoid me like the plague. I am okay with guy/male friends. But when it comes to finding a female friend and for dating, it's **** hard for me to do so! I just hate how life is passing by, my relatives are all married, prego, have kids. Heck, my sister also got married three years ago, popped out her first sprog two years ago, and pregnant again. Why did God select me to be a **** loser on this planet? I am working my rear end off at my tough job. I don't have a life. I work work work work work my SNF rehab nursing job, 55-62 hours a week. Yup, I kid you not. But getting back to your thread topic, I feel for you brother. It just makes me angry that no girl has approached me. This is why I have been addicted to....never mind.
 
TheLonelyNomad said:
@ OP. Yup, same here. I am a decent guy, smart, not a "bad guy" type of guy, and treat people well. However, I am more on the quiet side, and like your case, people avoid me like the plague. I am okay with guy/male friends. But when it comes to finding a female friend and for dating, it's **** hard for me to do so! I just hate how life is passing by, my relatives are all married, prego, have kids. Heck, my sister also got married three years ago, popped out her first sprog two years ago, and pregnant again. Why did God select me to be a **** loser on this planet? I am working my rear end off at my tough job. I don't have a life. I work work work work work my SNF rehab nursing job, 55-62 hours a week. Yup, I kid you not. But getting back to your thread topic, I feel for you brother. It just makes me angry that no girl has approached me. This is why I have been addicted to....never mind.

Addicted to... Hookers?
 
MentatsGhoul said:
But to give credit where credit is due, I really don't think I'm that bad of a catch once someone gets to know me.

...

Just, the problem is I'm not someone who exactly draws people in with my overwhelming charisma.....

There's just... so little initial attraction there, that I have barely anything to work with. It doesn't help that I admittedly don't feel much attraction (at least not beyond physical) to many girls anyway. It's like I talk to girls and they just instantly put a block on me. And no, I know my boundaries and I don't act "creepy" or anything. I just don't have that "spark" that makes people take notice of you and want to get closer, and that puts a huge roadblock on my chances of finding someone.

I feel the same way about myself, that I don't think I'm that bad of a catch once someone gets to know me. But I haven't had any luck either. Nobody has ever given me a chance, even girls who I can talk to really well, and I'm really sick and tired of it. I've racked my brains and scoured the Internet trying to figure out why. In fact, I spend most of my time thinking about how I can beat this problem that seems to be holding me down while others fly by effortlessly.

I've never been a charismatic person either. I haven't been able to create attraction, I haven't been able to get the "spark" or to excite someone primally. I don't say or do creepy things either, but I just don't get noticed in the way that I want to.

I think for me, it's a number of things - mostly that I come off as insecure, wishy-washy, and un-motivated. I don't seem to have much originality or because I haven't been going for anything.

Another problem I have is that I'm too nice. It's something I'm trying to work on. I don't think it's that I have to be meaner, but to just be more sparing with my niceness, like being careful not to use too much sugar in cooking. A little bit goes a long way.

I've tried to read about this a lot and to be more observant, both in terms of what works for other people and what makes me attracted to someone, and I'm seeing a lot of the same things come up. I also like an original character, someone who really knows themselves and has created a compelling identity. Someone who is good at things and has a lot of interesting ideas to talk about. So I'm trying to be more like that myself.

I'm also trying to be more confident, more outgoing, and more ambitious since women seem to like those and I want to do what works. No sense in "being myself" if that's what's keeping me unhappily single.

One area that I'm having a really hard time with is being too innocent for my own good. Someone recently said I was a "cinnamon roll", according to this definition:

cinnamon roll

Someone who is too cute and innocent for this world and should be protected from this world

I'm not sure how I can shake this, but I know it isn't helping me create attraction, that's for sure. This is the thing that the scumbags don't have a problem with. Troublemakers have had high social status since kindergarten, while "cinnamon rolls" do not - and in the adult world it's much the same. I don't know how I can compete, but there must be a way since a lot of people manage to have relationships without having to become a ********* or getting into drugs or crime.

So yeah. It seems to be confidence, ambition/motivation, originality, and purpose. Having hobbies/interests/passions, making progress. If there is more, I don't know. But I really think there's got to be a way anyone can change their luck. I really think "compatibility" is bogus, because that would mean we're incompatible with everyone, meanwhile charismatic guys are magically compatible with everyone. There's got to be something we can do.
 
MentatsGhoul said:
EDIT: Also, to clarify a bit further, I kind of agree with ardour on this one. No one "owes" you a chance. I mean, if you're happy to wait and happy to be single in the meantime, accepting that it might not happen at all, sure, that's your choice (which, if I gather correctly from your comments, is pretty much your attitude). But if you genuinely want a relationship and would strongly prefer it to being single, then you can't afford to have the attitude of "I'll just wait for them to come to me".

Haven't looked at this thread in a bit, but, I'm pretty sure I'm one of the people that says that no one "owes" us anything, and I get honeysuckle on for saying it. When I say that life doesn't owe us anything, I get irrelevant questions like, "So we're not supposed to have water and air?" Just anything to allow someone to keep the pretense that people owe them a chance. No, they don't. But not one time have I ever said for anyone to sit on their backside and wait for something to come to them. Those two ideas don't go hand-in-hand, and I have no idea why some folks continue to think that.

And no, that's not my attitude. I have no idea where you even got that from. I know it's not the choice of many people to be single, and that goes for people who actually do put themselves out there.
 
VanillaCreme said:
Haven't looked at this thread in a bit, but, I'm pretty sure I'm one of the people that says that no one "owes" us anything, and I get honeysuckle on for saying it. When I say that life doesn't owe us anything, I get irrelevant questions like, "So we're not supposed to have water and air?" Just anything to allow someone to keep the pretense that people owe them a chance. No, they don't. But not one time have I ever said for anyone to sit on their backside and wait for something to come to them. Those two ideas don't go hand-in-hand, and I have no idea why some folks continue to think that.

And no, that's not my attitude. I have no idea where you even got that from. I know it's not the choice of many people to be single, and that goes for people who actually do put themselves out there.

I didn't interpret the OPs topic or follow up comments as "people owe me chances, how do I force them to give me a shot". But you did, again, apparently.

I don't get why a mod, who evidently thinks any kind of complaining is invalid, insists on chiming in with this truth bomb every time as if it were helpful.
 
ardour said:
VanillaCreme said:
Haven't looked at this thread in a bit, but, I'm pretty sure I'm one of the people that says that no one "owes" us anything, and I get honeysuckle on for saying it. When I say that life doesn't owe us anything, I get irrelevant questions like, "So we're not supposed to have water and air?" Just anything to allow someone to keep the pretense that people owe them a chance. No, they don't. But not one time have I ever said for anyone to sit on their backside and wait for something to come to them. Those two ideas don't go hand-in-hand, and I have no idea why some folks continue to think that.

And no, that's not my attitude. I have no idea where you even got that from. I know it's not the choice of many people to be single, and that goes for people who actually do put themselves out there.

I didn't interpret the OPs topic or follow up comments as "people owe me chances, how do I force them to give me a shot". But you did, again, apparently.

I don't get why a mod, who evidently thinks any kind of complaining is invalid, insists on chiming in with this truth bomb every time as if it were helpful.

I didn't say he said that. Again, not sure how someone else puts something in there that I never said. And I'm not responding as a mod. I'm responding as someone replying to a post on a forum. Just because someone's a mod doesn't mean they can't have their opinion. That's completely irrelevant to me posting, so good try, but it doesn't work. I can give my opinion just as anyone else can.
 
Personally, I don't think the "give me a chance" attitude is really a good one to have.
You're a good person and you deserve more than chances.

Really, it's not something that can be controlled. You might have lots of qualities, but it's those gut reactions that matter. It's why people stick around people who are unhealthy for them, but they still have feelings for. That's just how love works.
 
VanillaCreme said:
MentatsGhoul said:
EDIT: Also, to clarify a bit further, I kind of agree with ardour on this one. No one "owes" you a chance. I mean, if you're happy to wait and happy to be single in the meantime, accepting that it might not happen at all, sure, that's your choice (which, if I gather correctly from your comments, is pretty much your attitude). But if you genuinely want a relationship and would strongly prefer it to being single, then you can't afford to have the attitude of "I'll just wait for them to come to me".

Haven't looked at this thread in a bit, but, I'm pretty sure I'm one of the people that says that no one "owes" us anything, and I get honeysuckle on for saying it. When I say that life doesn't owe us anything, I get irrelevant questions like, "So we're not supposed to have water and air?" Just anything to allow someone to keep the pretense that people owe them a chance. No, they don't. But not one time have I ever said for anyone to sit on their backside and wait for something to come to them. Those two ideas don't go hand-in-hand, and I have no idea why some folks continue to think that.

And no, that's not my attitude. I have no idea where you even got that from. I know it's not the choice of many people to be single, and that goes for people who actually do put themselves out there.

Sorry I misunderstood your post. Looking back, I don't really see where I got that idea from, but to be fair, I don't really remember exactly what I was trying to say either.

The one thing I am going to say though is this. I know no one owes me a chance or anything. I'm not trying to assign blame on anyone for any of this. But I think my frustration is still justified, considering it's a very real issue I face. That frustration just isn't necessarily directed at anyone, or any group of people, or society/people in general.

As for your original comment, well... I agree, in theory. But by "no one" giving me a chance, I mean literally no one. I don't mean most people, I don't mean "the hot chicks who are an 8 or above", I don't mean a decent dating pool of people, I mean no one, or at least, such a small percentage of people that finding a relationship is unlikely due to all the other factors such as attraction, compatibility, etc. So, just waiting for someone to eventually feel comfortable enough to give me a shot doesn't provide much in the way of comfort, and I feel like if I don't do something to try and fix this issue, come across as more approachable, learn what stops me from developing my relationships further with people, than I will never find someone, or at least, it would take many long years.

But, if that thought helps you or anyone else, more power to you. Just saying why it's not a particularly good way for me to approach my issues.

Dawn Jellyfish said:
Personally, I don't think the "give me a chance" attitude is really a good one to have.
You're a good person and you deserve more than chances.

Really, it's not something that can be controlled. You might have lots of qualities, but it's those gut reactions that matter. It's why people stick around people who are unhealthy for them, but they still have feelings for. That's just how love works.

This is true. I suppose by giving a chance, I mean something more like giving the relationship a chance to develop more than just casual acquaintance, or hell, even more than just "That one guy in my politics class". Virtually all my conversations go something like "Hey, how are you, where are you from, what are you doing for break, what kind of job do you want after you finish your degree", and that's it. It never seems to go beyond that, which makes it hard to find friends, let alone develop any chemistry with potential dates.
 
I don't know anything for sure, so I can't really have any advice to give. Whatever I said probably belongs best in another section.

Just don't give up, don't let yourself drift into hopelessness. Consider that you are more than you think. There has to be something you can do about it, there just has to be some reason to keep going.
 
AJ_ said:
it's a known fact that women get 100s of messages per month on dating sites maybe even per day, so there's no shortage of choice.

I just wanted to be sure people know that SOME women may get hundreds of messages per month... but there are a lot who DON'T. One day, I'd like to find the jerk posting these false statistics and slap him/ her around.
 

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