Fear of abandonment, rejection and feel like a burden

Triggering topic: Please don't read further if this topic upsets you.

I'm 33 years old and I feel like I'm a lot younger than my age. A lot of the time I connect with people who are younger than I am, mostly people in they're 20's. However now I'm talking to people who are older than me and they all think I'm younger than I actually am due to my appearance.

I feared to put this up for the longest time. I was SA by my father at a very young age. I'm not putting this up to make people feel sorry for me, to seek out attention. I'm doing this cause I hate bottling it in. I've been bottling this in for so long now cause I feel like a burden to everyone. People continue to tell me your not a burden, stop isolating yourself, talk to people, answer your e-mails and messages people send to you. I keep saying I'll do it, but I never do it cause I'm afraid to become a burden and I end up pushing people away. I know I suffer from PTSD and my therapist see's that I have aspects of Borderline. However I love making friends with people, I'm very expressive with how I feel, I'm not manipulative in any way and I don't abuse people with my words. I do get angry, it's mostly due to the fact how people abused me, judged me, picking on me through growing up, people's criticism gets to me. I know I suffer with low self esteem and I feel sorry for myself a lot of the time. I actually hate myself and often wonder why people even like me. I'm very emotional, I cry a lot, I feel people's emotions when they're sad and suffering. I love helping people and listening to they're problems. However now I'm so depressed.

My symptoms mostly include: mood swings, social anxiety and depression, anger when being judged, sensitive to critismn, fear of being alone, feeling misunderstood, feeling neglected, lonely, on and off I have feelings of self hate. There's times where I actually love who I am, than once I'm depressed I hate myself. Than I go back to loving myself and I love my life. People has seen me changed before. This is why sometimes I hate being close to people cause I fear once they get to know me and see all these things about me, they'll disappear and won't want to talk to me anymore. They'll simply give up and think "this girl is crazy" There was a time where I abused drugs but I'm clean now. This is why I look up to Kurt Cobain a lot. In a interview he mentioned how, "this world is cruel, people are not true." Sometimes I fear that I'm way too sensitive for my own good and I need to become a stronger person. I'm not sure if there's anyone else out there who can relate to how I'm feeling. I made a Tumblr not to long ago to express how I feel and I'm getting more followers. I'm also starting a blog cause I know my past is still continuing to haunt me, especially when I was in an abusive relationship for 3 in a half years. Yes I know it's over with now, but it's probably the reason I'm still having trouble trusting some people. I realized I have messages in my inbox and I promise I'll get back to everyone. The only thing I hope is that once this is up that nobody hates me and will think differently about me. I love a lot of people on this Forum and I come here cause I suffer with loneliness and I'm a loner. I came here to meet new friends. I have a few friends in my area, however a lot of them are moving away or going to college. Once things get better in therapy, I do plan on going to college. Right now though, I'm concentrating on myself cause I seriously need to start loving who I am as a person. And I also need to get back in the car again, cause I have a fear of driving due to the fact I was in two car accidents. Look I know this is a lot for everyone to take in right now, but I seriously needed to get this out.

Another thing I never mentioned is that I'm bisexual and I fear a lot of people will judge me due to that too.

Awesome post.

WallflowerGirl83 said:

I'm 33 years old and I feel like I'm a lot younger than my age. A lot of the time I connect with people who are younger than I am, mostly people in they're 20's. However now I'm talking to people who are older than me and they all think I'm younger than I actually am due to my appearance.

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I can relate to this so much. I wish I could open up more like you. I've had things on my mind a lot lately and been keeping it bottled up. There's no one to talk to about it who would understand and not think I'm some kind of weirdo. It's hard to think anyone would understand when you think no one would understand.

Very brave of you to post this. Going through what you went through (especially SA - which messes people up for a large portion of their life) and surviving takes guts so you're definitely a lot stronger than you think.

I definitely relate to many of the things you said, especially when people know this side of you that gets severely depressed you get labeled 'crazy girl' immediately. Then they bail after convincing you they would always be there but at the same time you feel you are a burden and don't want them to put up with you in this depressive state. Been through enough of that and almost prefer being alone to not deal with the same bs over and over again. Then you get a period of actually loving yourself and then the cycle comes back and undoes all the progress. It's tough to deal with. Depression changes you but that doesn't mean depression is who you are. I feel that we all need to remind ourselves of that especially when depression takes over.

Though it can be difficult to talk about I think it's great you are finding some outlet to express your past and complex feelings. Always believed that an outlet to express is very helpful (I've unfortunately lost the energy to do that this time around). Reading what you have to say inadvertantly helps others too, even if you don't think it does.

Hi there o/

I'm 36 and in a similar position, socially. People usually assume I am in my early to mid 20's due to my appearance as well. The gaping chasm between the way I am treated online and off by strangers is amazing.. remove my appearance and they treat me completely differently, but that's a different subject.. it makes work difficult when I have to instruct people that appear to be older than I am.

I tell you what, I am going to take everything you say at face value, give you the benefit of the doubt and believe it all. I am not going to doubt or judge you.

I am sorry for your experiences in the past. I have had a rough life myself, no SA, but plenty of the A.

There seems to be a lot between the lines. Every belief you have has a story behind it. If you think dogs will bite you, that is probably because you have been bitten.

Now I don't know why you have arrived at the conclusion in your mind that you may be a burden. Friendship is a two way street and it honestly sounds like you are more of a friend to people than most people are to you. This isn't your fault. If you are soft and nice to people, it tends to attract those that will take advantage of that.

You mention specifically that you are not manipulative, would it be safe to assume someone has accused you of that?
You don't sound manipulative at all. If someone has accused you of that, it is more than likely that if they were in your position, in that particular set of circumstances, they themselves would be manipulative. Often accusers are guilty of their accusation. Thieves often think everyone else is a thief.. Liars often proclaim that "everyone else lies" as though it excuses them of their behaviour..

Accusations are often more of a reflection upon the accuser than you. Maybe they don't trust your motives, but once again, that's more about them than you.

If someone is so mistrusting that your friendship is turned into something negative by their own problems, then you may well be better off with them out of your life. They aren't being a friend. Friendship is as much a verb as it is an adjective. To be a friend, you have to act like one. It doesn't sound like they are.

This is just a question for you, don't answer it openly.. but is there something that switches you from loving yourself to hating yourself? Is it other people, is it comments.. is it the weather? (Seasonal affective depression is a thing)
Perhaps you might be able to do something about that.

To be honest, it sounds like you have made a lot of progress and should be congratulated. You got off drugs, which only the minority succeed in and you are mindful of what challenges you face. I think you have done the hard bit. The first big step in beating a problem is admitting you have it, and you have done so.

The difference between coping and not, is coping mechanisms.

So, what do you need?