Lost Grip.

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Hearted

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I met my first love around 18, he was 30 at the time and i was craving such male attention because i never had a real father figure growing up and my step father had an addiction that ultimately took him away. I came out a year before and my family accepted me for who i was, my biggest supporter is my mother and so going into this new relationship felt a little weird for me. And i wouldn't say i was the perfect boyfriend towards him as i was scared to commit to someone because running away is all i was use to doing, so through the relationship there would be bumps mostly caused by myself, and i would constantly run away from his love and push him away. Oddly enough i still wanted that attention and felt myself feeling more attracted at the fact he put in an effort to really want me. We had a major bump in the road as this was an online relationship. I would consistently show myself on camera to him to make sure he was comfortable at the fact that we were an item. He only showed me one face shot of himself which would mind bottle me because he would remove that from his skype instantly. This would be an ongoing saga for around two years until i had enough and got to the point of questioning if he was even a real person, yes his voice was real, his love felt real, but was i talking to the face of a stranger? Was he hiding something deeper? The saddest part was that if he admitted he was a fake person, I would of still wanted to be with that man because i fell in love with this (What i think, and still do think) a character.

I eventually settled for this man despite everyone warning me not to, constant begs from my mother to not go for a faceless man, and constant fear from my best friend who feared i'd end up dead. The fighting stopped, the relationship became peaceful, i was even willing to propose to this man if we passed five years. The downfall of the relationship was when my step father passed away and it mentally broke me, it shook me up alot dealing with the fact i was fatherless. Each time i'd have to force a smile just to speak to my boyfriend and tell him that i was "Okay." to the point where he would read through my lies and get the truth out of me. Everyday i was crying to this guy, which seemed to have been such a drain on him. Because months later he would remove me from everything, no goodbyes, no nothing. He left me even more broken then i was before. Still to this day i don't know what i did, why he left, or what triggered him to give up on three years so easily. People said it was a blessing because the relationship was like a double edged sword constantly stabbing one another. He wanting me to commit which i did, and me wanting him to show himself, which he didn't. Still to this day i feel like there was a motive towards it, I feel like he was ashamed of the fact he was dating such an unstable person to the point where he wanted me to become non existent in his life. He got his wish, and it's pushed me further away from the fact of believing that a man could ever love me. I do want to open myself up to love again, but i just do not know how to really stop replacing something i never had.
 
Do not let people walk all over you in a relationship. I was in an online relationship before, and if she had refused to send more than one picture or appear on webcam, I would have ended it. I understand how you felt about loving him no matter what, but here's the thing- never let your relationship become unconditional. It sounds cold and heartless, but it's true. It doesn't mean you love a person less if you set up some ground rules and stand up for yourself, it just means you love and respect yourself. Love naturally makes us irrational, so you need to keep a clear head. And stop blaming yourself for this. Whatever his reason, just cutting contact with you with no explanation overnight is an dick move and a cowardly thing to do, the least he owed you was an explanation.

Your thread title is lost grip, which is interesting, because getting a grip is exactly what you need to do. Stop beating yourself up, you're only making it worse.
 
You will likely never know why he left or what his true intentions were, or even if he was 100% real or not. But, try not to focus on any of that stuff. Accept that it happened, that you loved him, that you had the experience and comfort while it lasted and try to let go of him so you can move on.
Of course, this should be done after a suitable "Grieving" period to allow yourself time to heal.
As for the lack of pictures from him. If it was a short relationship, I could understand the one pic, because some people don't take pics of themselves and hate having the picture taken. However, this was a 2 year relationship, there's really no reason he couldn't have given you more than one. That does seem kind of suspicious.

MentatsGhoul said:
I understand how you felt about loving him no matter what, but here's the thing- never let your relationship become unconditional. It sounds cold and heartless, but it's true. It doesn't mean you love a person less if you set up some ground rules and stand up for yourself, it just means you love and respect yourself.

I have to disagree with this, because love SHOULD be unconditional, IMO. It's not the LOVE you are setting boundaries and ground rules for, it's the relationship. There is nothing wrong with having ground rules and standing up for yourself, but that isn't a condition on the love.
I still love two of my exes, even though we are no longer together. I will always love them and nothing will change that.
 
I'm sorry to hear about your losses, Hearted. :( *hugs*

It's hard when you can't find some closure to something that meant so much to you. I really hope that you can have the strength to move on from your past and not let it hold you back. Your heartbreak from one or two guys do not equate your future relationships with men to be the same. We always think so, but then somewhere along in your journey forward, you might meet someone better. So I say don't give up, but at the same time don't expect too much. Try to find a happy medium or find contentment with yourself and your life first, and I believe that things will fall into place as they are meant to with time after that.

Good luck, and take care.
 
TheRealCallie said:
You will likely never know why he left or what his true intentions were, or even if he was 100% real or not. But, try not to focus on any of that stuff. Accept that it happened, that you loved him, that you had the experience and comfort while it lasted and try to let go of him so you can move on.
Of course, this should be done after a suitable "Grieving" period to allow yourself time to heal.
As for the lack of pictures from him. If it was a short relationship, I could understand the one pic, because some people don't take pics of themselves and hate having the picture taken. However, this was a 2 year relationship, there's really no reason he couldn't have given you more than one. That does seem kind of suspicious.

MentatsGhoul said:
I understand how you felt about loving him no matter what, but here's the thing- never let your relationship become unconditional. It sounds cold and heartless, but it's true. It doesn't mean you love a person less if you set up some ground rules and stand up for yourself, it just means you love and respect yourself.

I have to disagree with this, because love SHOULD be unconditional, IMO. It's not the LOVE you are setting boundaries and ground rules for, it's the relationship. There is nothing wrong with having ground rules and standing up for yourself, but that isn't a condition on the love.
I still love two of my exes, even though we are no longer together. I will always love them and nothing will change that.

I suppose we should agree to disagree. Technically, yes, the ground rules are for the relationship, as you can't just "stop" loving someone. But if someone is no longer in your life, especially if that someone has done something to hurt you, they don't deserve your love any more, and you ought to move on for your own sake, find new people to focus your feelings. I had a hard time getting over my ex, and I sure as hell know if I still loved them, I'd be far worse off emotionally than I am now, and that's saying a lot.
 

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