Do you need to change EVERY SINGLE THING

46 years old and I am starting to think, maybe, possibly, every stupid thing about me, is wrong and needs to be changed.

(1) At work I care about doing things right. Fast and right. I mostly spend the day in my office hiding and, if I see a "big" person like a boss, instead of me going up to them and saying hello. I am more likely to dodge into a closet until they are gone. I always think it is about the work, but, I know it is not.. I want it to be about the work because that is more comfortable for me.

(2) At home, though, I think I eat decent, I think I have grown to rely on fast foods, and high calorie foods. I hate to cook and rarely do it. I hate errands. I spend wayyy too much time on the internet. I resent that I can't spend more. When really, I know, I shouldn't be on the internet at all, I should be out taking a hike, I should be at events with people or animals. I need to force myself to eat foods that are good for me.. make them from scratch.

(3) I tend to sku conservative and always have... this creates problems for me in that I also tend to sku into things liberals would be interested in. Such as kindness and compassion. But this blows up in my face when I have limits to those things and others don't. I don't know why I tend to attract people to me that aren't right for me... I have to fix this. I think it has to do with the way I dress and hold myself... which is opposite as to who I am.

(4) For years now I have lived under a health regime of -- do nothing / modern medicine is bad. It is sorry, I usually don't have good luck, but I am reaching a critical mass where there is a lot wrong with me. I have to get with the program and start allowng thing to be fixed.. undergo procedures... get the tests they tell me to.

And you?

So, about number 2. Ever since the beginning of March, I've been lowering the amount of time I spend on technology in general, so I don't go on the internet as much anymore. I've had fond memories growing up with the internet because almost everyday, I would go on just to hang out with some people on another forum I used to be a part of before joining this one, but now that it's gone, the internet has lost its meaning. Although I consider myself a loner (and quite naturally), it has left me with a deep sense of longing for that kind of company, even though it became toxic throughout the years.

My college is just about homogenized with a lot of international students from abroad (mostly Asian), and in return, their cultural views and beliefs carried on with them. Just by looking at these people I can tell they're very quiet and reclusive, and its affected the rest of the student population too. It feels so abnormal, even for me. Now that everyone's socially awkward, here, it's gotten annoying. I seem to have better luck making friends with older adults now. But still, not spending time on technology feels great, but what's the point if you have no one else to spend that time with? Everyone's so stuck up and competitive.

Also, you're better off not forcing yourself to eat good foods. Balance your diet, but don't restrict yourself so much.

whimsicalspirit said:

it has left me with a deep sense of longing for that kind of company, even though it became toxic throughout the years.

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I have tried to give up the net but it is very hard to do. A ton of my work is totally dependent on the internet. Though I can't do certain things at work on the net I can check news sites etc and I can't tell if that stuff sucks up my day at work OR I would just find another way to suck up the time. When I get home there are things that I do need to do on the net such as pay bills... see where my investments are, check my credit score, etc and eventually they seem to end up in drifting back to hours of waste.

I definitely thing it is toxic but it is hard to go cold turkey.

I have been looking into a limited internet service plan, but of course that does nothing for the unlimited service I get from work, free wi fi, and my neighbors free wi fi.

When my parents asked me what I wanted for high school graduation, I said: a name change and plastic surgery. That was a while and a half ago, and plastic surgery was not so accepted in the greater American culture. They took umbrage at the name change thing (I wanted both first and LAST names, i.e., the "family" name, changed...especially the last one) but found a plastic surgeon for me to talk to. He laughed at what I wanted changed, suggested I needed therapy instead. So I tried that, found a lot of crappy therapists, one good one (leading to the old therapy joke, "how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? just one, but the light bulb has to really, really want to change."), and changed some things, like my wife. And job. And country, for awhile anyway. I gradually learned to accept what I couldn't change about things (my profession truly frowns on changing one's name after being in it for a while), my funny-looking face is more tolerable with age, largely because most people's faces have regressed to a fairly ridiculous mean. I watch my calorie intake if not my food quality, because I'd rather be height-weight proportionate now than live to 80. I'm more comfortable in my slightly saggy skin now than ever. There are still days when I want to exchange every f**king thing about me for something, someone, else, but they're less frequent. But I finally donated my voluminous self-help book collection to the library.

But I totally understand wanting to change everything. Our task is to first accept ourselves, then if we're lucky, find a few people willing to similarly accept us. Both are simple, but neither is remotely easy.

Tons of people are rather anti-social with their bosses, don't eat very healthy, don't go to the doctors much, and have generally contradictory/hypocritical beliefs.
But that's only a small fraction of what makes up someone's personality. It doesn't mean you need to change everything. It just means you're not happy with a few things and could work harder to fix them. Finding that motivation to do so is often the biggest problem.

Anyway, sometimes I do wonder if I really do need to change pretty much literally everything about me. Not in the simple ways, like you're talking about. I know I could do with a bit more motivation myself. I mean in the really big ways. Like changing my whole personality and all my beliefs. But even if I could do that, even if I wanted to, I just plain don't believe I'm really the one who needs to change. So I'm not going to, no matter the consequences.

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I feel this way often too. I feel like I somehow turned out wrong.

To start with, I've never been very confident. I've never felt like anything was particularly easy for me. I've just never felt like I was naturally good at anything. I've never been sure of my ability to do well, to say or do the right things, to make the right choices, or to get the outcome that I desire at any given pursuit, be it a job, an interest, a relationship, or anything.

I've never known what I should do with my life either. I wonder about a lot of things but I've never known where I fit in. I have been interested in things and wanted to do things, but due to the aforementioned lack of confidence I've just felt that everything is too hard for me, and I don't feel much motivation to work on anything because I don't feel like I will get any better or that I will ever have the money to do it, or that any input on my part makes any difference. Logically, I know this might not actually be true and if I do work hard at something I may very well get better at it, even achieving some level of competency. But I've had a hard time shaking that feeling that I just don't have enough ability to be successful at anything no matter what. Because of this, I've been quick to give up or say things are "just not for me" at the first sign of difficulty or when I don't get things correctly right away.

Because I have been indecisive with figuring out who I am and not getting good at anything, I find that I often run out of things to talk about with people, or when they see me again, I have nothing new to say about what I’ve been doing with my life. It doesn't matter who it is, it’s the same from people I only know a little bit to people I know well.

Because of my indecision and because I haven't had money, I don't really know of a lot of cool things to do or places to go. Not many things jump out at me.

Another side effect of my self-doubt and my feeling that I'm not good at anything and can't succeed is that I've become a habitual complainer. I've been complaining a lot since I was a kid afraid that the next year of math was going to be too hard for me and that I'd be swamped with homework and barely get to have fun anymore. I also have a hard time taking action, because I've conditioned myself to believe that any action I take is futile.

I've always been a worrier too. I've always found myself thinking about all the ways that things will go wrong for me or even for the world in general. It's been very easy for me to find myself getting into thinking that everything is proof of not only failure but the worst-case scenario and that the situation cannot be solved. I find myself thinking ahead to things I don't want to think about and not enjoying the present. However, I have been trying to stop doing this lately.

Finally, I'm soft. I am sensitive. I am not shy about the things that matter to me, or the idea that things do matter to me and I never saw the point in acting like I was just "too cool" to care about anything. I'm not at all tough or coarse or hostile. I've always wanted to get along with people more than fight or assert dominance over them (though I have become very hostile towards people who try to assert dominance over me). I've always liked nice things and never saw much appeal in dark and "edgy" things. I've never had much interest in being "cool", being popular, or getting in trouble. Also, I figured my life was good, so there was no need to get into aggressive, combative things which I felt didn't really work anyway as a way to live life. I've haven't felt much need to break the rules, besides a few things - but I don't boast about them or say that it's a huge part of my identity because they're not. I don't have much of a rebel streak because I never had much of a reason to have one. I'm friendly.

Unfortunately, this has the effect of making women see me as weak, boring, and unattractive. I don't stir any feelings of excitement or danger which women crave. I don't know if it's my friendliness and agreeableness that is the problem, or my lack of confidence, purpose, and self-knowledge, the fact that I haven't been pursuing my interests or goals much out of fear of failure, or my tendency to worry and complain and not take action towards necessities and interests that causes women to see me as bland and asexual. I'm not lewd or vulgar and never wanted to be, but at the same time, I still have the standard male desires. I still desire companionship, affection, and sex with a woman. However, I feel like my personality is all wrong for it. I just wish I could figure it out because I'm so tired of this singledom. It's another reason I don't work very hard at fixing my life or making myself interesting - I worry that no matter how successful I become, it's too late to date the ones I want so I can only do so well now. And if I can't do as well as I could have anymore, then there doesn't seem like much point to working on myself if I'm going to be unhappy anyway.

I know I want to change my self-doubt, my complaining and lack of taking action, my worrying, and I want to be more interesting. I'm not sure I want to change my friendliness though. Like I said, I have no real desire to become a provocative, controversial person. I've always thought that kind of behavior was immature, unintelligent, shallow, and unnecessary, and I always felt like I knew better than to act that way. But I don't want to go on single forever, and I don't want to miscommunicate who I am because of it. I think I play up my friendliness and innocence too much and accidentally give women the idea that I am softer and more conservative than I really am. I mean, I am somewhat socially conservative but not so extreme that I don't want to have any fun.