I just want to get better...

Last night was horrible...

Tossing and turning trying to get comfortable adjusting the temperature of my apartment, drinking a hot tea, tried listening to some soothing music nothing helped me....I took two sleeping pills and I was still not able to go to sleep. I felt so depressed and by the end of the night my anxiety was at it's peak. I think that the more I try to get better the harder my depression hits me. Sometimes I feel powerful like I got this...then depression creeps up on me and makes me feel weak pulling me back down.

I'm at work right now, with almost 3 hours of sleep and my body is aching extremely....I told myself this morning while getting ready for work that I will get better but I'm starting to feel like maybe it's time for professional help.

Professional help is my last resort. I want to believe theres hope, and if I seek help and it doesn't work IDK what may happen...

I was told that everyone gets depressed at some point in their lives, but I've been this way in the past when I tried to commit suicide so I'm probably going to be this way for the rest of my life.... and it really sucks because it prevents me from enjoying life and makes me feel like I have nothing good to offer the ones i care about. Like I'm a failure for not getting my honeysuckle together, please any advice helps.

One thing that came to my mind was the "who can give me solutions" thought. I'll give you an example. My ex and I were living together in one apartment and our neighbors will slam their doors, and their dogs would bark, smoking outside and it would come through our window. That drove my ex crazy. And she decided that she doesn't want to live there anymore. So we found a new place. A place she picked out. Once again, the neighbors would slam doors, dogs would bark, etc. However this time, it didn't bother her one bit. The things that she complained about are still present so why doesn't it bother her anymore? Because she told herself that moving will solve her problems.

Anyway, the point is that we dictate who and what can solve our problems. If we don't believe something is going to help us, it probably won't. If you believe your depression is so severe and that you're so messed up and can't be fixed, even a professional can't help you. Okay, I'm not trying to make light of depression. I'm just saying that we have more power than we think. Also, medication typically don't fix problems, they just suppress the problems. You think you got better from the medicine because now you are no longer so depressed and can actually think about solutions. So you change your thought process and get off the medicine and feel much better because you changed at some point.

Okay, so how do we go about doing that without having to go to a professional? Pessimism. Funny thing about it, recently I read on facebook that pessimists will find a problem to every solution. So, what is optimism? Not the happy-go-lucky view. It's finding a solution to every problem. When you go from "man my life sucks" to "why does it suck and what can be changed" then depression isn't as bad. I'm not saying you won't be depressed again or even less often, but you can get out of it faster. And this is only the first step.

That's my non-professional help. Take it as you will =s Hope you can get out of it!

Wanting to get better is a good sign. But it's also a sign that you might be reaching your limit. I'm gonna try and avoid going on a rant about myself on your thread, but I guess comparing it to my own experiences is probably the easiest way to analyse it. I always thought I was depressed, hit rock bottom, as lonely as someone could possibly be, even suicidal. That is, until I hit that point in reality, the point where if things didn't get better I would just end up having a breakdown one night and ending my own life, and almost did exactly that. That's when I realised I truly, really wanted to get better, in fact, I needed to get better.

It seems to me you're in a similar position. Being scared that it's like how it was when you tried to commit suicide, feeling like you can't fully enjoy your life are signs of that. What I'd recommend or advise in this case is: You're probably going to end up really pushing to get yourself out of this situation, which is good. But find something to help you cope. Something healthy that actually works and calms you down. Take up art or something, start exercising, do something you always wanted to do. Otherwise, if you start to expect things to get better immediately as you work on improving your life, any failures, or even progress that feels too slow will hit you, and hit you hard. Or you might end up seeking solace in alcohol or drugs, which is not something I recommend, at all. You'll need something that will let you stay consistent in your recovery.

netflixonfridaynight said:

Professional help is my last resort. I want to believe theres hope, and if I seek help and it doesn't work IDK what may happen...

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I think you should definitely give it a try. I don't know if you have a general physician you see, but I was able to get on medication through them.

You might also see about talking to a therapist, which may help.

I will give a word of caution though, because, while I wouldn't discourage you from seeking professional help, it might not work, not at least completely. I know meds can sometimes make it worse, especially if you forget to take them, which you might not consider worth it.
Again, not to discourage, but just to make sure you go in aware of that possibility.

If you need to talk further, feel free to contact me.

I was told that everyone gets depressed at some point in their lives, but I've been this way in the past when I tried to commit suicide so I'm probably going to be this way for the rest of my life.... and it really sucks because it prevents me from enjoying life and makes me feel like I have nothing good to offer the ones i care about. Like I'm a failure for not getting my honeysuckle together, please any advice helps.

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I'd like to help you if I can, inasmuch as an internet stranger can help.
Maybe help you identify things you can offer to people? (Though, can't promise people will recognize them... that's just something beyond your control).
Just because you have failed up to this point, does not mean you can't succeed now (or later). You've hit some stumbling blocks, but I believe you can overcome them. Maybe on your own, maybe with professional help, maybe with the help of friends, I couldn't say, but I do think it's possible.

Regumika said:

Okay, so how do we go about doing that without having to go to a professional? Pessimism. Funny thing about it, recently I read on facebook that pessimists will find a problem to every solution. So, what is optimism? Not the happy-go-lucky view. It's finding a solution to every problem. When you go from "man my life sucks" to "why does it suck and what can be changed" then depression isn't as bad. I'm not saying you won't be depressed again or even less often, but you can get out of it faster. And this is only the first step.

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Depression isn't "my life sucks boo hoo hoo", it's more "I feel constantly horrible even if I might not have a reason to" with "my life sucks" being a thought that springs forth from that.

I was depressed and suicidal for a long time too but I've been feeling better in recent years. Surely, there is hope for you. Identifying and being aware what causes your depression is the first big step toward recovery. I didn't need a therapist for it, but seeing one may help with that. Then you start solving the issues that causes depression which is difficult to do. I've been against taking medications for depression and agree with what Regumika said about it. You can't cure a tooth problem just by taking painkillers.

There wasn't anyone I could talk to about my issues when I was depressed, so I started to watch movies and read books that I could relate to which helped me to cope a little. I also wrote down how I felt. Just telling, in case you don't have anyone irl to talk about your depression issues.

One example of what you can offer to others is that you can be a good listener for those who's been similarly going through a tough time.