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Regumika

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First with a disclaimer, this isn't a problem I'm facing but rather a problem that I see often that people face. I want to understand why it is an issue in hopes to make it not an issue.

The question: Why is change difficult?

First, personal experience. I was in a relationship where I was often told "but you always do it this way," or "you've never done that before." I would also often hear "why did they do this, they've never done this before." In the relationship I have always come across many instances where change cannot happen, like it was taboo. Unless they break up from the current relationship and find a new one. Then they will be a new person to the new guy, but the new guy wouldn't know change happened.

I have also heard many people say how they wish they can just move (or those that have already moved) to some place where no one knows them and start over. What is the purpose? Why can't you change where you are? Is it taboo?

I have concluded that it's because of "Authenticity." As social creatures, we are finely attuned to liars. Many of us are traumatized and are emotional wrecks because of liars. Because we seek out any signs of lies to protect ourselves, we want people that are genuine, authentic. How do you be genuine and authentic? By doing the same thing every time. If you behave to a situation 99 times one way and 1 time another way, people become skeptical. "That's not what you did all the other times, what happened?" This makes change impossible, right? Because if you want to change, you have to do it differently than before.

So, how do we combat that? I think if we just decide to change anyway regardless of what people think and how they would judge you. Because sooner or later, your new self would be the authentic you. I don't think life should happen in chapters, it should just be one continuing flow.

What do you all feel the issue with changing is?
 
Regumika said:
I have also heard many people say how they wish they can just move (or those that have already moved) to some place where no one knows them and start over. What is the purpose? Why can't you change where you are? Is it taboo?

Sometimes it's hard to not feel that way with certain situations. It's not always about logic reason. Sometimes it's about just feeling that way. The purpose depends on the person, and others may not always understand that purpose. But it's not anyone's business to understand it but the person going through it.
 
VanillaCreme said:
Sometimes it's hard to not feel that way with certain situations. It's not always about logic reason. Sometimes it's about just feeling that way. The purpose depends on the person, and others may not always understand that purpose. But it's not anyone's business to understand it but the person going through it.

I just see the "I can't change because people are watching me. If I change while they know the old me then it's like I'm a liar." Which is why it's totally okay when you move away, change, and come back home different. Can you explain what thoughts and feelings happen when people want to move to a brand new place to start over?

Also something i forgot to mention, in relationships when people say "he's not the same as he used to be, he showed his true colors" when bad change happens. Yet when good change happens, they're just happy the person changed. "he didn't used to send me flowers, but now he randomly surprises me and I love it." (or do dishes, chores, whatever.) Why is it when bad change happens it's "revealing true colors" and good change is actual change?
 
Regumika said:
VanillaCreme said:
Sometimes it's hard to not feel that way with certain situations. It's not always about logic reason. Sometimes it's about just feeling that way. The purpose depends on the person, and others may not always understand that purpose. But it's not anyone's business to understand it but the person going through it.

I just see the "I can't change because people are watching me. If I change while they know the old me then it's like I'm a liar." Which is why it's totally okay when you move away, change, and come back home different. Can you explain what thoughts and feelings happen when people want to move to a brand new place to start over?

I suppose it's just refreshing to be in a new environment. Would you want to eat a moldy strawberry? Fresh ones are typically the better choice.

Regumika said:
Also something i forgot to mention, in relationships when people say "he's not the same as he used to be, he showed his true colors" when bad change happens. Yet when good change happens, they're just happy the person changed. "he didn't used to send me flowers, but now he randomly surprises me and I love it." (or do dishes, chores, whatever.) Why is it when bad change happens it's "revealing true colors" and good change is actual change?

You do hear about unusual, good changes. At least I have. But why complain about something good... It's not like there's much of anything to complain about when something good happens. Of course hearing about the bad is more common. There's something more to say about it.
 
We can't control how people see us in their minds. And one's perception is their reality. So, even a person who is the most authentic to who they are, can mess up once and be a liar. But someone who has always been a liar, can be different than what someone is used to being around, and be seen as authentic.
 
VanillaCreme said:
I suppose it's just refreshing to be in a new environment. Would you want to eat a moldy strawberry? Fresh ones are typically the better choice.

Well sure it's nice to have go somewhere fresh, but my thing was moving for the purpose of changing. Where you "refuse" to change unless you move.

VanillaCreme said:
You do hear about unusual, good changes. At least I have. But why complain about something good... It's not like there's much of anything to complain about when something good happens. Of course hearing about the bad is more common. There's something more to say about it.

I don't think it's about complaining though. The "showing true colors" to me means that it wasn't a change, rather that there was a mask covering what was already there. Like the "I should have known that he was actually a lazy bum." Yet with a good change, it's assumed that they weren't masking anything and it's a genuine change. You wouldn't ever hear "he was never nice until we started dating" in a good way. If someone says that it's because we think the "being nice" is just to win someone over.
 
AmytheTemperamental said:
We can't control how people see us in their minds. And one's perception is their reality. So, even a person who is the most authentic to who they are, can mess up once and be a liar. But someone who has always been a liar, can be different than what someone is used to being around, and be seen as authentic.

So, that's the thing. Why then do we make such a big deal about changing? Why can't we just change when we know it's time to change?

"you know all you need to do is xyz, right?"
"I know, but.. you know, it's just not that easy." (there is all these people around me, and they see me, they see me changing..)
 
I don't know why other people do that. I know that I can't just make changes in my life, because my changes will directly change things in my children's lives. And what I would like to change for myself, isn't always a good change for my kids.
 
I'll just go out on limb here: Changing yourself always means alienating your environment to a certain degree since you stray from your established image. The people in your environment always carry certain expectations towards you based on that image. Engaging in change might provoke criticism or generally negative reactions from these people - and you'd like to avoid this. Dependency on outside validation of acceptance of your peers, you name it. You might want to avoid the consequences of "failing" their expectations by literally having a distance between them and you. So you move away into a new environment with new people which hold no expectations towards you yet to change yourself without having to be afraid of immediate criticism. Does that make sense? I have no freaking clue.
 
Rodent said:
I'll just go out on limb here: Changing yourself always means alienating your environment to a certain degree since you stray from your established image. The people in your environment always carry certain expectations towards you based on that image. Engaging in change might provoke criticism or generally negative reactions from these people - and you'd like to avoid this. Dependency on outside validation of acceptance of your peers, you name it. You might want to avoid the consequences of "failing" their expectations by literally having a distance between them and you. So you move away into a new environment with new people which hold no expectations towards you yet to change yourself without having to be afraid of immediate criticism. Does that make sense? I have no freaking clue.

That makes perfect sense. Which is to say, those that want to move out or move somewhere new who can't are unable to change even if they want to. So if a person is miserable (sometimes also include their own fault) they can't just make things better by changing themselves since they can't change unless they also change their environment.

Should it be like that though? I mean, that's what happens, people move to change. But do we have to resort to moving to change? Why don't we just ignore people? Aren't we supposed to ignore those that have negative impact anyway? Why do we care what they think?
 
I think you're thinking too logically for something that isn't. Wanting to get up and go, for me at least, is a thought process that is usually based on what I'm feeling. And not only is it not always logical, it's not always easy to explain. Why can't we just change when it's time to change? Or why do some people not change unless they actually step into a new place? I don't know. If it were that easy to figure out, many of us wouldn't have such an issue. Some people can't and don't change no matter where they are or where they go.
 
Regumika said:
Why don't we just ignore people? Aren't we supposed to ignore those that have negative impact anyway? Why do we care what they think?

That's the crux of the story. There's a huge gap inbetween what we are supposed to do and what we decide to - more often than not because of emotions. Maybe in my example it's as easy as not jeopardizing the connection to those who accept who you are. Even if it's only as long as you stay exactly that way. At least there is somebody who accepts us, or the image they have of us. Catering to the expectations of others might bring absense of conflict. As long as that's the status quo, it's not a negative impact per se. In this early stage you might decide to discard the idea of change as a whole because the effort you would pour into moving/changing with the mere chance of your new environment being better is not worth throwing away the old one, no matter how much it wears you down in the long run.

Nilla makes a good point, we are thinking about this too logically. Possibily from a too detached point of view. People simply feel they need a new environment to kickstart their own changing process. People do care what others think about them all the time. After all it could just be wishful thinking or delusion which is proven by those who did move and turned out to stay the exact same way after all.
 
Change is difficult because most people refuse to change and don't even realize it.
For everyone else, change is usually pretty easy if it is actually something that you want.

---
 
Not sure if this has been said and apologies if it is repeated but I guess people usually do not want to leave their comfort zone. So change is difficult. It's something people or their subconscious won't be used to or be comfortable in.
 

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