That one thing I'm tired of hearing over and over from people who just don't get it!

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58 Voyager

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"....why don't you...."

• join a club
• join a team
• join a group
• join a church
• volunteer
• help out with...

You know why? Of course you do...because it makes things worse. For me anyway.
Because if I do any of those things, I'm surrounded by people and I have a good time....and the I go home alone.

I sleep alone. I eat dinner alone. I watch TV alone.

If alone I'm meant to be, I'd rather spend my time alone, because after a few hours around people, it truly sucks to spend the night alone again.

I also noticed that just like any other forum on the Internet, this place too has that 16% of nosy busybodies who have an answer to everything, who don't know what it's like to go through what many of us experience day in and day out. These armchair closet Dr. Phil people, without the benefit of education or training, or personal experience, always have an opinion/answer/solution to everything.

Folks, honestly, many of us come here for one reason, and venting and sharing experiences and thoughts can make one feel better...the last thing many of us need is to be lectured on how we are supposed to be running our lives, lectured by these opinionated gasbags who don't realize all they are doing is hurting us more.
 
Alone and lonely is the name of my private chatroom :/

I too am alone the vast vast majority of the time.

Even if you don't think their advice is any good. At least people are showing that they care. They are just trying to do the best to help you. Give people here a chance.
 
58 Voyager said:
I also noticed that just like any other forum on the Internet, this place too has that 16% of nosy busybodies who have an answer to everything, who don't know what it's like to go through what many of us experience day in and day out. These armchair closet Dr. Phil people, without the benefit of education or training, or personal experience, always have an opinion/answer/solution to everything.

How exactly do you know they don't know what it's like to go through it?
 
I hear this often too. It's funny to me because it's like many people don't realize that introversion is a thing. I can like to be alone, but also be lonely at the same time. I don't like social settings, especially when I don't really know anyone. I want someone to be alone with. That's the best way I can describe it.

It's the same thing with people telling me I always need to work on myself before worrying about others. I get it, I do. But sometimes I wonder if that's why the world is the way it is. Maybe if people helped others more things would be better and the world would be kinder.
 
58 Voyager said:
I also noticed that just like any other forum on the Internet, this place too has that 16% of nosy busybodies who have an answer to everything, who don't know what it's like to go through what many of us experience day in and day out. These armchair closet Dr. Phil people, without the benefit of education or training, or personal experience, always have an opinion/answer/solution to everything.

Folks, honestly, many of us come here for one reason, and venting and sharing experiences and thoughts can make one feel better...the last thing many of us need is to be lectured on how we are supposed to be running our lives, lectured by these opinionated gasbags who don't realize all they are doing is hurting us more.

Insulting other members and name calling isn't permitted here. Also not a good way to be part of the community when you do that.

Xpendable said:
The most sanctimonious place on the internet after Tumblr.

And as for you who should know better, enjoy your few days off.
 
I've given this advice before, but it's always been a mixed bag for me.
1) If I don't do this, I KNOW things won't get better. No one is just going to knock on my door or walk up to me on the street and ask to hang out, and I've never had an online friendship that turned "real", it's extremely unlikely I'll find someone who I both get along with and live nearby enough. Therefore, NOT joining clubs, volunteering etc feels like it isn't even an option.
but
2) When I go out to these places, put the effort in, and STILL fail... Christ, it's been the primary source for most of my mental breakdowns these past few years. Being exposed to happy social people while being unable to join in can really put a dent in your confidence.

It feels like a choice between slowly slipping into insanity by staring at my laptop screen all day, or taking a risk, trying to make things better, and quickly breaking down if things go bad. I guess, for me, I'd rather take that risk at this stage.

Look, ultimately, you don't know a 100% foolproof fix to your problems. Neither do the people who give you advice, and I suspect they don't think they do either. All we can do is do our best given our experiences to try and come up with a solution. There's no reason to get mad at the people who try to help by giving some advice, even if it is fairly generic.
 
58 Voyager> I know what you mean. I do most of the things you list yet I'm pretty much always alone. Doing things like that can be tough because there are so many couples there. That just reinforces the pain I am in and pushes me back away.

When people tell me I should just do (whatever it is I should do), I point out that I am already doing that. They then say I should do it again, which ironically I was already planning on doing it again. It still doesn't solve any problems. Especially since the people that are at the events are there to solve my problems, they are there so solve someone else's issues (since that is what most volunteer/charity work is for). *laughs*
 
I believe it is better to take what you think will help you, and leave the rest. It can be very exhausting to hear over and over that people aren't willing to try things because it doesn't work.

Sometimes, that fulfillment we need isn't going to be brought to us by the outside world. A lot of it has to do with ourselves, on the inside.

What kind of meaning are you searching for in your life? Perhaps that will help you find the answers you need.

I am, for one, guilty of seeing people as being in my face when trying to give advice. But often that is a result of the emotions I am feeling at the time. Have you ever been calm, and gone back to read what people have said? It's amazing how not so hostile people start sounding when you aren't ranting...
 
Sometimes I have suggested on here in posts that joining things might be a good idea, but I do 'get' loneliness very much as I am lonely pretty much all the time. OP-I go to a group then come home to no one and loneliness engulfs me again. At groups I am aware (by hearing others talk) that the vast majority of members have full lives outside the groups, that their attendance at groups is only a peripheral for many of them and that their 'real' life is lived elsewhere. For me, if I didn't go to groups, I would see almost no one from one week to the next, so although I feel really lonely when I come in to an empty house (and to a pretty empty life) the alternative would be to stay at home alone all the time. This is why I have suggested joining things on here because at least it gets people out of the house and provides some company.
 
My favorite was why don't I just get a new job if I don't meet people at mine.

But that said, it's the unspoken truth everyone knows--that you have to be around people to connect to people. The annoying part is when people who are privileged say others can or should "just" do something that's more complicated than it seems on the surface, because it's that easy in theory or that easy for them individually. And then it's supposed to be the end of that, problem solved.

Those of us who don't fit into the bigger jigsaw puzzle aren't exempt, no matter how hard it is or how long it takes to find someplace that isn't a waste of our time.
 
Giving suggestions is not telling someone how to live their life. If you don't want to follow advice or suggestions, then you don't have to.
 
edgecrusher said:
It's the same thing with people telling me I always need to work on myself before worrying about others. I get it, I do. But sometimes I wonder if that's why the world is the way it is. Maybe if people helped others more things would be better and the world would be kinder.

The statement is not without validity, but I feel it's overused by other people. You could be surrounded by people who are too settled in their social circles or people you just can't relate to (no matter how often or hard you try). Basically, don't rush to accept that *you're* the problem.

I also noticed that just like any other forum on the Internet, this place too has that 16% of nosy busybodies who have an answer to everything, who don't know what it's like to go through what many of us experience day in and day out. These armchair closet Dr. Phil people, without the benefit of education or training, or personal experience, always have an opinion/answer/solution to everything.

I disagree about the lack of personal experience. After having visited an assortment of support sites, depression and loneliness won't always give a person awareness or understanding. Either you'll find people who feel entitled to act out because of their issues or you'll come across those who've forgotten what it's like. Just don't assume no one here hasn't been through what you've been. There's no true way to handle or respond to loneliness, depression, etc.
 
What bugs me is people assuming you haven't done that.
Assuming that you just languish at home.
Really, so much as joining this forum represents an attempt at socialization.

I don't do these things because I know I won't have anything in common with the people.
Or if I try for months, they still won't bring me what I need (Close, intimate friendships and relationships).

Except, well, I still do these things, I regularly comb meetup, I try to look at the local libraries I frequent for community events... still nothing.
I recently found an anime meetup I'll be able to attend regularly, which I think I'll get at least something positive out of... but ultimately I know it won't be what I really want or need.


I think part of the problem is lonely people want friends who will try back and those are in short supply. The best thing is to meet someone also lonely, but offline that's tough, and even then, you run into the problem where both feel too weighed down to actually do it... so nothing happens.
 
Dawn Jellyfish said:
The best thing is to meet someone also lonely, but offline that's tough, and even then, you run into the problem where both feel too weighed down to actually do it... so nothing happens.

A lot of lonely people are also introverted and don't like to get out so even if you find one, you never can hang out with them.
 
Yeah.
I find it hard to understand since I'm more of an extrovert who just sucks with people, so I don't really "get" how introversion and loneliness go together.
 
Tiina63 said:
At groups I am aware (by hearing others talk) that the vast majority of members have full lives outside the groups, that their attendance at groups is only a peripheral for many of them and that their 'real' life is lived elsewhere.

Sometimes it feels to me like most groups are always going to be made up of extroverts and a certain type of person who doesn't "get" me because groups in general are not attractive to introverts or people like me who are not conformist. Thus assuming I find a group that is like me it probably will not last long because people like me will not go all the time or otherwise don't have that desire to meet up like extroverts.
 
LonelySutton said:
Sometimes it feels to me like most groups are always going to be made up of extroverts and a certain type of person who doesn't "get" me because groups in general are not attractive to introverts or people like me who are not conformist. Thus assuming I find a group that is like me it probably will not last long because people like me will not go all the time or otherwise don't have that desire to meet up like extroverts.

I think LS hit the nail on the head. As an extrovert, I've seen many times shy people (who I would consider introverts) come into various group settings and would show up once or twice and then never to be seen again. They were polite and showed interest, but I think their shyness/social phobia took over.

I worked at a place that relied heavily on volunteers and I saw the same thing over and over. All of us staff members had to instruct the volunteers on how to do certain tasks. While doing so, we would try our best to make the shy ones comfortable, talk to them and show an interest in them, but it was always the same outcome - the talkative/social ones kept returning and the shy, quiet ones never came back.
 
I have had similar things said to me, I have a sister that says I am not friendly enough, but you are who you are, I am not mean, I am just uncomfortable around people I do not know, I have all my life been a nice guy, I had people even tell me that multiple times but I always had issues making friends.

There are people that have no problem making friends, and not being lonely, so they assume that if you cannot do that than you have an issue, like not being friendly, or just not open etc, so yes I hear, join a club or get involved in something, first you to have to find clubs your interested in, for me that has been hard, and when I do they are long distances away.

Sometimes being social no matter how much you try does not work for some people, that just how it is, I have had that problem all my life, I do have a couple of friends, but in general making friends has been hard, but I do not consider myself flawed, just not the outgoing be my friend type I guess.
 
Dawn Jellyfish said:
What bugs me is people assuming you haven't done that.
Assuming that you just languish at home.

Well, they don't know that you haven't done something either. Unless you're telling them all of your business, they don't know if you've tried something or not. Sometimes, people give suggestions just in case there's something that someone hasn't thought of yet.
 

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