Decadence

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Xpendable

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How can you look the good side of people?
It doesn't matter anymore. i'm certain again that I'm alone. I'll never meet people like me and I'll never be accepted. The world is decadence in every way. I just want to have the feeling of companionship but I get depravity and immorality.
I went to play in a pub last night and it was a nightmare. The music sounded good but everything else sucked. The audience didn't want us there, we played too late and couldn't find a bus after. The place was a shithole. There were people doing cocaine in the bathroom and I got to talk to drunk people all night; which it sucks when you don't like drinking. I got offered drugs and saw a lot of sleazy people. I couldn't stay too much and went for walks once in a while. I was there for about 6 hrs until we played at last place. But the worst by far was the conversation I had with a former band member who was there. He told me that the other guys used to talk about me and suspected I was a virgin. Not for mocking me, but speculating. It was shocking and embarrassing to me. He drunkenly asked me if it was true, I asked what that hat to do with my playing. He insisted and I couldn't tell the truth. I lied. He seems to have believed me but I'm not sure. While in my mind I was like "It shows so bad?". All this was before playing and I was just in awe. I felt like every person there was a spectrum, like a demon in human form. I never felt more out of place in my life, even with family members there. But I had to put myself together and play. People were atrocious, they were asking for a finish at the half of the songs. Considering we were there as a favour for an aniversary. It was surreal to see the birthday cake and the self-congratulatory jerk-off fest, while knowing people were doing hard drugs some feet away from you.
"WTF are you celebrating?!" I though.
I still feel dirty and deeply sad. Not being enough, today I have to play again, but luckily in another place. Still, my appreciation remains:
THIS is the type of people I have to deal with, the people I have to interact with everyday and the people I'm supposed to be accepted by.
It's all decadence around me and I can't scape it. There's no "right people" or "right girl". I've been encountering this individual's my whole life and it would not change. I'm not made for this world and I'm convinced more everyday. I arrived home at 5 am with a buzz in my ears and my soul crushed. I have no one to reach and no one to relate. I'm alone as I always knew.
 
Faced with this kind of depravity, I'm sure every sensible individual like you would feel utterly disillusioned. I know I would. There is no way to see the good in people when every behavior they exhibited goes against your personal principles and standards. Whatever you are looking for, it's obvious you cannot find it in these spheres. Music can be a universal connector but it's unreliable. Though I have also considered myself to be musically open-minded, I realized this wasn't enough to visit just any place where music is played, let alone a concert of a band I like...because I know what sort of place I'd find myself in. Mind that I say that even as a European.

About the virgin comment...first of all, virginity still seems to be an incredibly big deal to some people out there, varying from culture to culture, somehow diminishing your value or "manhood". Things you already know of course. How to spot this though? I'll assume that your general apprehension among people is somewhat noticable. A visible detachment, perhaps also disinterest in other people or specifically the other gender? Because they clash with your standards. When you come across as uncomfortable and out of place in what seems to be a "standard socializing environment", it could cause these kind of rumors. Merely a hypothesis. But I won't judge you for lying to this guy, I consider it a white lie because of the pressure...for all I know, having to admit your virginity only makes interaction harder in your environment.

What can I say, you are not alone in your universal disagreement with these circumstances. This is not the whole world though, even if it might depict a fairly large section of it. Based on your past anecdotes I know your options are far more limited. But if you don't want to resign and ultimately retreat from all of this, you have to keep looking for even the slightest promising alternatives or a way out. No matter what, don't succumb. Keep following your interests, educate yourself, maintain your sanity and reason.

One last thing:

Xpendable said:
THIS is the type of people I have to deal with, the people I have to interact with everyday and the people I'm supposed to be accepted by.

No matter what some bleeding heart philanthropist might claim, you are not "supposed" to be accepted by anyone. If you aren't part of some "social consensus", you just aren't. I never saw a point in actively integrating myself into groups which fundamentally disagree with my own principles. I passively obey certain rules and conventions because the consequences would only interfere with my peace of mind, but that's the end of it. That's also why I condone white lies for the sake of avoiding conflicts and unnecessary exposure.
 
Man, I know all too well the soul crushing hell of a bad gig. My band played a small festival 2 years ago. Not one person in the crowd even looked at us, and about halfway through, the owner of the venue told us to stop playing because we were "too heavy". at a place called the "Testicle Festival", we were too heavy?! I mean, we're not one of those insane brutal metal bands, we're just hard rock... we never really played again after that it was so depressing. and believe it or not, at 33 years I still know the pain of being a virgin... Everyone my age knows a feeling that I don't. That's a **** hard thing to admit.
 
Nothing wrong with drugs, and for all you know these people are trying to cope with their own issues. It sounds like you are overly concerned with others. Just do what you want and stop caring about anyone else.
 
Menorahman said:
Nothing wrong with drugs

No comment.

Menorahman said:
, and for all you know these people are trying to cope with their own issues.

And sometimes it's just hedonism. Besides, what a good way to become issues themselves for other people.

Menorahman said:
It sounds like you are overly concerned with others.

I have to be when they could possibly hurt me physically and psychologically.

Menorahman said:
Just do what you want and stop caring about anyone else.

Those two things are diametrically incompatible. Low-life ******** are the main reason I can't do what I want to do.
 
That sounds like a shitty way to spend an evening, Xpendable.
I think Rodent has a good perspective on it.
I didn't understand the part where you said these are the types of people you have to interact with everyday. Are you in a group that plays in pubs and nightclubs often?
I haven't been to a bar in years but I know if one is looking for decadence, as you put it, that would be the first place to look. I can't stand the thought of going to one now - drunken guys picking fights, women throwing up on themselves and pounding music for hours. Not my idea of a good time, either.

Edit to add: Your sex life is none of anyone's business if you don't want it to be, including a drunk ex-band member. Whatever you told him, he probably doesn't even remember it if he was drunk.

-Teresa
 
SofiasMami said:
I didn't understand the part where you said these are the types of people you have to interact with everyday. Are you in a group that plays in pubs and nightclubs often?

Those poeple seem to be everywhere, not only in pubs. All I know is people different from me. I know they keep telling thare's other options out there but I haven't found them in my entrire life. How I am supposed to have hope?
 
Well, that sucks, Xpendable. I can hear your pain through your posts.
May I ask where you typically spend your time? If you could go anywhere, where would you like to spend your time? I'm just curious.

I like peace and quiet so somewhere out in nature is always my first choice. But I get lonely too so I often go to outdoor markets or to museums or art galleries where there are other like-minded people.

-Teresa
 
SofiasMami said:
Well, that sucks, Xpendable. I can hear your pain through your posts.
May I ask where you typically spend your time? If you could go anywhere, where would you like to spend your time? I'm just curious.

I know it sounds hard to believe but there's no places for me. I'm mostly trying to enjoy my home. I study monday to friday an have plenty of homework. Sometimes I cheek on Facebook to see some activities but they don't interest me, and when they do they fall the same day than a previous meeting I have. Recently didn't have the motivation to go this sort of Anime expo. I though that those places are already cliques and I won't fit in. The same way I recognize social events but when I consider the alternatives, they aren't exactly the places I'm looking for. This friday there's a beer festival and I marked on facebook, but now I'm doubting because I don't like beer at all. I think is just my desperation to find a social environment that suits me.
As when I went to concerts trying to meet people but there were no like-minded individuals. And like you, I don't have many cultural panorams. I tried to go to an art exhibition but got cancelled and apart from that there isn't too much else. Some events are anual and I miss them or are too expensive. Sometimes they are too far away or clash with my plans.
Last christmas I walked for 20kms searching for some corner with interesting people but only found more decadence. Not only that but sometimes I begin to feel disguss by people I know already. I can't really think of a "friend" I have that truly cares about me. Seems that all my relationships start to decay. Even the meetup group I was attending it's starting to fade. The last meeting was cancelled for not having enough assitants. The other meetups don't interest me or have too little activity.
So I don't really can go out much, and when I do I go alone and stay that way. Sometime I will sit on a bench for an hour watching all the other people being with someone. The same happens in the movies or to any place. I go to play at night and don't connect with anyone. I just finish the show and go home.
For now the gigs are over for a while and I can rest from that, but that means less chance to meet other musicians. Even when I've meet many and the result was the same. When I go to the Institut is the same: I go to class, talk to my peers, have a nice time and go home. I need more than that. My classmates never seem to party with me or have me in their plans. I know I could ask them to include me but the few meetings I've had with them hasn't been what I'm looking for.
I feel I have to dumb myself down 24/7 and when I don't I start getting this weird looks and the conversations ends. I don't know if I could describe what place I would like to visit but certainly is not one that could exist here.
 
Xpendable said:
My classmates never seem to party with me or have me in their plans. exist here.

Do you think though, this "It's Sodom and Gomorrah" slightly superior attitude might be coming through a bit? Maybe they assume you wouldn't want to take part - have you asked?

I would not judge the behaviour of people at gigs as symbolic of humanity in general.

The last time I went drinking with a mate I could tell I didn't have much in common with some of his friends. They were into piercing and tattoos, one guy recounted his history of drug and alcohol abuse since his early teens. I find that hard to relate to, but I try to find things to like about people and not focus too much on the negative.
 
I agree that people shouldn't be asking about your sex life. But you do come across as very judgemental and seem quick to dismiss other people and other perspectives that differ from yours. This is a good way to repel potential friends.

I wouldn't have had a great time at that place either. But that is definitely not the way most people are. You were just in a shitty environment.
 
ardour said:
Do you think though, this "It's Sodom and Gomorrah" slightly superior attitude might be coming through a bit? Maybe they assume you wouldn't want to take part - have you asked?

No, they're cool. I don't feel that vibe with them, but they assume the opposite: That I'm too quiet and don't go to parties and that's why they don't conisder me. I'm not really eager to go too, because is always the same thing. Get drunk and fool around.

ardour said:
I would not judge the behaviour of people at gigs as symbolic of humanity in general.

It has been more than just that place.


ardour said:
I try to find things to like about people and not focus too much on the negative.

I try and don't succed.
 
kamya said:
I agree that people shouldn't be asking about your sex life. But you do come across as very judgemental and seem quick to dismiss other people and other perspectives that differ from yours. This is a good way to repel potential friends.

I don't want to judge but sorry, that's what I see. It makes me sick to the stomach. You all make sound as if was some prude. Honestly if people want to be shitty and disgusting, that's Ok, but I'm not obligated to look for an angle in which they can make a contribution to me. I have simple standards and they are not being reached. You don't live where I do.


kamya said:
I wouldn't have had a great time at that place either. But that is definitely not the way most people are. You were just in a shitty environment.

That's how most people are in my case, bacause the environment is the entire city.
 
Xpendable said:
You don't live where I do.

...running, cycling, tramping. There's got to be clubs. People who are involved in outdoor activities generally aren't into the things you mention. I doubt everyone in your town/city is living a debauched lifestyle.
 

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