Depressed failure, anemic, , and full of hate

I've already talked about my college experience. I'm just not keen on telling it again. But to make it brief. I feel like a failure. Ever since I began, I always had one class I failed at. I try to give it my all, but sometimes I find them confusing. I hate those online classes where I never interface with the teacher, not giving me a single ******* hint as to what to ******* do. I hate those classes because they have so little to do with the major I'm working towards. I wanted to be an aerospace engineer, so what the fresia does communication, philosophy and hawaiian history have anything to do with it. I couldn't really push myself to do those classes for a while. But when I learn, they just try to ******* stop me. I had a semester where everything was going well. After some time they just really want me to ******* explode. Out of nowhere, they lowered one of my passing classes to a fail for no ******* reason, lowering my GPA to less than 2. And one time I was just talkign with one of my friends about relationships and life. And someone got offended and reported me, so they had me banned from the tutoring center... yes, my place of study. And thus... i failed my first math class. I came home to angry parents who wanted to blame everything on me.

Today my dad would call me worthless and stupid, or some honeysuckle like that. He gets mad over the most punitive of things, and he thinks him misinterpreting it as rude is a ******* excuse. And for that, I want to ******* kill him. Some days ago he got mad because I pulled my shirt sleeve away. And by mad as in, he was smashing honeysuckle, yelling, and threatening to leave me out on the street. And he has the money, so if he wants to be this ******* mad, well he can. He can be as angry as he wants. I remember a time he threatened to divorce. Initially I was sad... but I sure as honeysuckle wasn't going to visit him. Too bad he actually stayed. My dad says so much bad things about me, I frankly believe him now. If he wants to kick me out and leave me to die, whatever. I don't feel much like living anyways.

I'm full of hatred anyways. If there is anything I inherited from my angry father who cant stop telling me how worthless I am, and how stupid I look, it's how much I hate other people. Allot of people I warmed up to, there is always a quality they have that makes me hate them. A personality trait, a belief or opinion political or personal, maybe something they did in the past that just makes me hate them for some reason. Because of this I pretty much pushed all of them away whenever I think about them too much. So yeah, I threatened allot of my friends actually, typically with death, torture, or rape. I've seen allot of them come and go. I hate myself for that. But that still doesn't stop me from hating them. There is a short term pleasure in seeing them cry or be angry though. I love it when they just say they thought I was a good person.

I've lost my ability to feel that love anymore. Everyone I see is just an enemy, such that I want to ******* kill. I fantasize performing mass killings, or just dragging people in to torture and kill them. Not for ransom or human trafficking. Just for the fun of it. I was disgusted by it at first but, I've grown fond of making my friends angry at me. Because I've just learned to hate them.

I've also grown an unbridled hatred and prejudice towards antitheists. One of my friends was an antitheists. I hated him once I realized he was one. I spent allot of time treating him like honeysuckle. It was fun. But I miss him because he was nice.

And I still want to go back though. I still want to see that time of hope. Or being kind and cherishing. People just treat me like honeysuckle or see me as honeysuckle. Why should I be nice anyways.

Sounds like you need some family counseling, your dad seems to have some issues. Could sit here and hypothesize but not knowing your family history or your parents history that would just be useless. There's obviously some issue that happened along the way which is causing all these problems now. Either something that happened with your parents growing up or maybe they just expected more out of you and it's frustrating them. Sounds like your dad may have/has anger issues. Taking pleasure in their anger or sadness is bad, to be honest, you shouldn't feel that way. Wanting to kill someone who helped give you life is messed up too. I really think you should all go see someone and get these issues sorted out before it gets any worse. Reading your post and seeing so much anger and hatred you need more help than what this forum can give. Please seek some professional help.

breadbasket said:

I've also grown an unbridled hatred and prejudice towards antitheists. One of my friends was an antitheists. I hated him once I realized he was one. I spent allot of time treating him like honeysuckle. It was fun. But I miss him because he was nice.

And I still want to go back though. I still want to see that time of hope. Or being kind and cherishing. People just treat me like honeysuckle or see me as honeysuckle. Why should I be nice anyways.

Click to expand...

Why would you dislike a friend and treat them like crap just for something they believe in? I find it absurd that it was fun to be nasty to someone for no real reason. If he was nice with you, what difference does it make what he believes in...

You should treat people how you would like to be treated. If people treated you like honeysuckle, well then, you only got back what you gave.

I would tell you the solution, and it would work and it is the only solution. But if I tell you about it, three things will happen: 1. you would laugh at me 2. you won't believe it 3. you wont follow it, because the things that we need to do to have what we want are the things we dont usually do.
My solution would give you permanent freedom from hatred, failure, ego and depression. Forever. You will become unbeatable, intelligent, bright, happy, charming, alive, winner, rich,successful or anything you want to be. Only problem is, you wont even give a try to the solution. Because you don't want these things that bad. Only ask me for the solution if you are well prepared and willing to do it. I promise you, it will be worth it.

M_also_lonely said:

I would tell you the solution, and it would work and it is the only solution. But if I tell you about it, three things will happen: 1. you would laugh at me 2. you won't believe it 3. you wont follow it, because the things that we need to do to have what we want are the things we dont usually do.
My solution would give you permanent freedom from hatred, failure, ego and depression. Forever. You will become unbeatable, intelligent, bright, happy, charming, alive, winner, rich,successful or anything you want to be. Only problem is, you wont even give a try to the solution. Because you don't want these things that bad. Only ask me for the solution if you are well prepared and willing to do it. I promise you, it will be worth it.

Click to expand...

...huh? How do you know he wouldn't be willing to take your advice?

Sci-Fi said:

Sounds like you need some family counseling, your dad seems to have some issues. Could sit here and hypothesize but not knowing your family history or your parents history that would just be useless. There's obviously some issue that happened along the way which is causing all these problems now. Either something that happened with your parents growing up or maybe they just expected more out of you and it's frustrating them. Sounds like your dad may have/has anger issues. Taking pleasure in their anger or sadness is bad, to be honest, you shouldn't feel that way. Wanting to kill someone who helped give you life is messed up too. I really think you should all go see someone and get these issues sorted out before it gets any worse. Reading your post and seeing so much anger and hatred you need more help than what this forum can give. Please seek some professional help.

Click to expand...

I find myself switching between nice guy and mean guy. I also hate the "treat others how I would like to be treated," idea. First off, people taught me to be nice to people regardless of how they treat me, until things get violent. And two, the only thing that nice people end up becoming are complete tools and chumps. I've spent most of my life until the past few years being nice to everyone. And from there, I could only assume the worst of people. I spend day and night imagining people talking behind my back, talking about how stupid or worthless I am. That I cannot even comprehend the most basic things. I was labeled that by allot of people, including my dad when he gets pretty furious at me. I also found myself being told this by atheists and anti theists time to time.

Ironically, I view them as the same thing as terrorists and other extremists. The only reason why they haven't done anything is because they never had their own country. So for now they're like Jehovah Witnesses going door to door talking about their lord and savior what's his name. They're more annoying and condescending than anything. And don't give me the "They hate theism and not the theists" bullshit. Because once they're done being all nice and impressionable, they're back to talking about how everyone who isn't them is stupid. And that's what I imagine all my friends doing. Talking about how worthless and disposable I am.

reynard_muldrake said:

M_also_lonely said:

I would tell you the solution, and it would work and it is the only solution. But if I tell you about it, three things will happen: 1. you would laugh at me 2. you won't believe it 3. you wont follow it, because the things that we need to do to have what we want are the things we dont usually do.
My solution would give you permanent freedom from hatred, failure, ego and depression. Forever. You will become unbeatable, intelligent, bright, happy, charming, alive, winner, rich,successful or anything you want to be. Only problem is, you wont even give a try to the solution. Because you don't want these things that bad. Only ask me for the solution if you are well prepared and willing to do it. I promise you, it will be worth it.

Click to expand...

...huh? How do you know he wouldn't be willing to take your advice?

Click to expand...

Its general psychology. You (a randomly chosen person) know the advantages of going to the gym, but wont go for some unknown reason or due to some excuse you made. Reason why you do that is because your subconscious isnt sure that going to the gym will actually help, because you have no experience about it. To satisfy the bossy conscious mind, it comes up with a reason (which here, is the excuse you make).
Thats the same reason that why you cant move on from incidents, even though you know that moving on would make you happy. You wont study even though you know that it would make you better, etc.
Most of the people wont give a try to things that matter to them. They save it for the last.

Thats the same reason why you and I are here. The problems we usually have are just in our minds and we cant accept them, even though we kmow that accepting them would make us happy, but we wont.

M_also_lonely said:

reynard_muldrake said:

M_also_lonely said:

I would tell you the solution, and it would work and it is the only solution. But if I tell you about it, three things will happen: 1. you would laugh at me 2. you won't believe it 3. you wont follow it, because the things that we need to do to have what we want are the things we dont usually do.
My solution would give you permanent freedom from hatred, failure, ego and depression. Forever. You will become unbeatable, intelligent, bright, happy, charming, alive, winner, rich,successful or anything you want to be. Only problem is, you wont even give a try to the solution. Because you don't want these things that bad. Only ask me for the solution if you are well prepared and willing to do it. I promise you, it will be worth it.

Click to expand...

...huh? How do you know he wouldn't be willing to take your advice?

Click to expand...

Its general psychology. You (a randomly chosen person) know the advantages of going to the gym, but wont go for some unknown reason or due to some excuse you made. Reason why you do that is because your subconscious isnt sure that going to the gym will actually help, because you have no experience about it. To satisfy the bossy conscious mind, it comes up with a reason (which here, is the excuse you make).
Thats the same reason that why you cant move on from incidents, even though you know that moving on would make you happy. You wont study even though you know that it would make you better, etc.
Most of the people wont give a try to things that matter to them. They save it for the last.

Thats the same reason why you and I are here. The problems we usually have are just in our minds and we cant accept them, even though we kmow that accepting them would make us happy, but we wont.

Click to expand...

Hmm. For all you know, though, that randomly chosen person won't have those issues or doubts. Those are just generalizations. But hey, I'm not the one who was asking for advice here.

reynard_muldrake said:

M_also_lonely said:

reynard_muldrake said:

M_also_lonely said:

I would tell you the solution, and it would work and it is the only solution. But if I tell you about it, three things will happen: 1. you would laugh at me 2. you won't believe it 3. you wont follow it, because the things that we need to do to have what we want are the things we dont usually do.
My solution would give you permanent freedom from hatred, failure, ego and depression. Forever. You will become unbeatable, intelligent, bright, happy, charming, alive, winner, rich,successful or anything you want to be. Only problem is, you wont even give a try to the solution. Because you don't want these things that bad. Only ask me for the solution if you are well prepared and willing to do it. I promise you, it will be worth it.

Click to expand...

...huh? How do you know he wouldn't be willing to take your advice?

Click to expand...

Its general psychology. You (a randomly chosen person) know the advantages of going to the gym, but wont go for some unknown reason or due to some excuse you made. Reason why you do that is because your subconscious isnt sure that going to the gym will actually help, because you have no experience about it. To satisfy the bossy conscious mind, it comes up with a reason (which here, is the excuse you make).
Thats the same reason that why you cant move on from incidents, even though you know that moving on would make you happy. You wont study even though you know that it would make you better, etc.
Most of the people wont give a try to things that matter to them. They save it for the last.

Thats the same reason why you and I are here. The problems we usually have are just in our minds and we cant accept them, even though we kmow that accepting them would make us happy, but we wont.

Click to expand...

Hmm. For all you know, though, that randomly chosen person won't have those issues or doubts. Those are just generalizations. But hey, I'm not the one who was asking for advice here.

Click to expand...

He would, its human nature. And I told because you asked. Its not generalization like we do, its the result of studies over 1000s of humans.

Don't start anything, please. Thank you.

breadbasket said:

Sci-Fi said:

Sounds like you need some family counseling, your dad seems to have some issues. Could sit here and hypothesize but not knowing your family history or your parents history that would just be useless. There's obviously some issue that happened along the way which is causing all these problems now. Either something that happened with your parents growing up or maybe they just expected more out of you and it's frustrating them. Sounds like your dad may have/has anger issues. Taking pleasure in their anger or sadness is bad, to be honest, you shouldn't feel that way. Wanting to kill someone who helped give you life is messed up too. I really think you should all go see someone and get these issues sorted out before it gets any worse. Reading your post and seeing so much anger and hatred you need more help than what this forum can give. Please seek some professional help.

Click to expand...

I find myself switching between nice guy and mean guy. I also hate the "treat others how I would like to be treated," idea. First off, people taught me to be nice to people regardless of how they treat me, until things get violent. And two, the only thing that nice people end up becoming are complete tools and chumps. I've spent most of my life until the past few years being nice to everyone. And from there, I could only assume the worst of people. I spend day and night imagining people talking behind my back, talking about how stupid or worthless I am. That I cannot even comprehend the most basic things. I was labeled that by allot of people, including my dad when he gets pretty furious at me. I also found myself being told this by atheists and anti theists time to time.

Ironically, I view them as the same thing as terrorists and other extremists. The only reason why they haven't done anything is because they never had their own country. So for now they're like Jehovah Witnesses going door to door talking about their lord and savior what's his name. They're more annoying and condescending than anything. And don't give me the "They hate theism and not the theists" bullshit. Because once they're done being all nice and impressionable, they're back to talking about how everyone who isn't them is stupid. And that's what I imagine all my friends doing. Talking about how worthless and disposable I am.

Click to expand...

Those people did have their own country, just look at how many Orthodox Christians died under the anti-theist policies of the U.S.S.R.