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So, I need to confront my friend about some issues, but...
Hello there. Kind of new/old, since I've been a big lurker... But, uh, nice to meet you. ^^;

So, I've known this friend for at least three to four years now, and I used to have a romantic interest in her. However, due to how our friendship is turning out, I've lost the attraction and just want to keep the friendship as is. The real problem is that I feel like I'm investing too much in the friendship and it's finally taking it's toll. She likes to complain a lot that I don't talk to her much anymore, but she puts me in a position where I'm... kind of lost for words.

When we used to spend a lot of time together, it consisted of things she liked to do. When she told me "you can suggest stuff, too, you know", I took her up on that several times and suggested games we could play and was willing to share other hobbies of mine. But she'd make excuses to back out of things, such as "yeah, we'll see. That's if my wrist doesn't give me problems" or "not sure if I'll have time or if I can keep up with you".

I'd believe the wrist situation if it weren't for two things: 1) She says this EVERY time I'd suggest an activity like a game. That's just shady; and 2) She plays games with other guy friends of hers all the time. Don't see how her wrist doesn't prevent those hours of play.

...Not to mention that she also complains when I don't like to talk to her about my life and stuff anymore. Kind of hard to do that when she either doesn't say anything of true relevance towards the subject and switches the topic on herself afterward, or literally doesn't respond at all when we're IMing or something — it causes me wonder if she even care or really pays attention.

What does she expect me to say if whatever I DO say is ignored in general?

It's stressful because I'm just the listener — it's always a one-sided conversation. I'm expected to have lengthy conversations about things only she's interested in or do things only she likes/plays games that she like, despite her saying otherwise. I'm not trying to sound selfish (and if I am, then perhaps the problem lies with me...), but every time I have that one opportunity to talk about myself, it falls on deaf ears. And the fact that she keeps saying I'm one of the most important people to her, it sure as hell doesn't seem like it.

Perhaps from the perspective of "he's always there to listen and do whatever I want", sure...

So, the only solution to this is to tell her. Problem is, every time I wish to discuss "problems", she kind of flees from it. Either she changes the subject really fast or gives me the silent treatment. Then there's the rare moments of her getting defensive as well.

But it's a problem that requires a serious response. Otherwise, I'll be forced to end the friendship, and part of me won't feel the same to do that.

I've accepted that people come and go; she may be another one of them. It just sucks to still feel lonely even when you have "friends". My only problem is finding out a way to actually sit her down and get her to listen to me for once instead of being blinded by her own needs. I'd rather talk it out properly first and see where things go the right way, rather than ditch the friendship without saying anything...

My apologies for the length. I didn't intend to rant for so long... -_-
I doubt she'll ever give you the chance to air your grievances with her. People like this are very good at avoiding any situation that makes them uncomfortable or where they're not centre stage. If I could give you some advice; I don't think forcing a confrontation will do much good for you. If she's the type of person I think she is, she'll make a song and dance about hearing your point and trying to change her behaviour, then things will go right back to how they were and you'll end up deeply resentful. I would just let the friendship wither and die.

My sympathies, by the way. I was in a friendship like this and I was very distressed having to deal with the person towards the end. I hope it all works out for you, whatever you decide to do. Smile
And blood-black nothingness began to spin
A system of cells interlinked within
Cells interlinked within cells interlinked
Within one stem. And dreadfully distinct
Against the dark, a tall white fountain played.
Good luck, I hope you'll manage to get her to sit down and hear you out. From the way I see it, this isn't a true friend. True friends would listen to you, even if they are busy or can't give you their time at the moment, they'd follow up later on and hear you out another time. She just doesn't seem to care about you much, to be honest. Why would you wanna be friends with someone like this? You're right, this seems more like a one-sided friendship.

Get her to hear you out, or I think letting it go seems like a pretty good option. At least in my opinion. Cos it's only going to continue to hurt you in the long run... unless you can manage to detach that part of you from her and be okay with her just using you as and when she likes.

Sucks to go through something like this, sorry really. :\
(04-17-2016, 05:46 PM)lifestream Wrote: I doubt she'll ever give you the chance to air your grievances with her. People like this are very good at avoiding any situation that makes them uncomfortable or where they're not centre stage.

Agreed. Have a friend like this. She only wants to do what she wants to do. I either get with the program or I don't. And sometimes she minimizes my concerns and pretends to think about them only to start the same things over and over again.
Your post reads as if you don't really care that much whether or not the friendship lasts.
A person (like your friend) who always sits in the driver's seat of a two person relationship is not going to change, for a variety of reasons and circumstances. They will rarely allow the other person to "drive" the relationship via making decisions, choices and even directing the path of conversations. They often target those who demonstrate kindness, compassion and 'good listening' for potential friendships. This allows them to be 'in charge'. I do not view people who act in this manner as potential friends.

Two options - spell it out for her. Tell her exactly how you see the friendship, point out her flaws and her actions, in person. Her response will show you how to proceed from that point. The risk of losing her / angering her / turning her away should be outweighed by your being tired of constantly feeling reduced, put-off and belittled. I know it would feel that way for myself.

Let the friendship slowly fade by not making her an important person in your life anymore. Transform her into an acquaintance, someone who you can converse with on occasion. You should take charge here.
I appreciate all of your thoughtful responses, immensely.

It's definitely a challenge to keep this up, but as one of you said, I do need to take charge — I can't let her use me anymore. I still feel a bit uneasy with just dropping it without word, so perhaps I will give it one more shot with requesting a serious conversation about it with her (without her running away from it). If that fails, I'll go for the better choice of just leaving her be and go about my way. Can't force people to change, after all. Despite her selfishness, she does have good traits (otherwise, I would have dropped her years ago) that I still admire, and she has personal issues of her own. Still, I can't use any of that as an excuse to let her trample over me.

It's not like I've never been through broken and fallen out relationships before, so I think I'll be fine in the long run if the worst does come...

Thanks for listening/giving me sound advice.
Let us know what happens!
And blood-black nothingness began to spin
A system of cells interlinked within
Cells interlinked within cells interlinked
Within one stem. And dreadfully distinct
Against the dark, a tall white fountain played.
(04-18-2016, 04:28 AM)lifestream Wrote: Let us know what happens!

Well, here's what happened recently.

Basically, before I could even talk to her about stuff, she complained (Again. No surprise there) that we haven't forum Roleplayed in months and wanted to talk about stuff in that aspect. Told her "I'm fine with that, though not much I could have done to prevent gap of inactivity", because I was actually waiting for her to make up her mind about what she wanted to do there (because not like anything I said towards our RPing was responded to/paid attention to before we stopped anyway, so...).

Naturally, she didn't respond — this time for days. About fed up with it, I just left her a message saying "If you still want to talk about things, just let me know when. If not, that's fine. I have other things I need to get done."

Next few days later, I get a single message back saying "wait wut"


Yeah, I'm done. Not talking to her anymore. Just told her "Nevermind" and never logged back into my IM since then. Thankfully we don't live in the same state anymore.

Again, thank you all for your responses...
That sucks to hear. Sorry it didn't end well. Sigh.. *hug* hope you're keeping well at least, LWF.
#10 up

it's bad enough to let someone nearby control you

but to let someone control you over the internet...

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