There's two sides to this whole friends thing...

I'm not doing too great at the moment. My life feels like rubbish, nothing matters, etc.

I've tried with the chatroom, I really have. I'm nervous thinking about opening the app, even saying hello. When I finally do it, people are either quiet and a conversation seems to have been left hanging in the air, or there's already a conversation going. I don't blame them for the way I feel - but I just want to talk. To anyone, to learn ho to express myself once more. I can't get over the massive hurdle that I feel I'm intruding - the only feedback on the chatroom is I wish there was a way of one-to-one conversations. I don't understand the system properly, so might have missed it.

I've looked for social events I could try to go to - but nothing local, and not really in my interests.

So I've wasted this evening just staring through my screen, racking my brain from time to time to find or figure some way to overcome this. The STUPID THING about this all is I can function with professional conversation - I can call a client and discuss their brief, or the stage of a project. Don't expect me to talk about other things though.

I don't get it.

My biggest concern that has come to light through my counselling sessions is that I am pretty indifferent towards people who are not physically in my life - meaning I don't care for people not around me. Not even my parents. If something happened to them, I would be upset, for sure - but there is nothing in me that makes me want to reach out to them, because they're not around me. I haven't got to if that's something to do with the rejection and abuse I had in school, or my suppressed emotional state or what. There doesn't seem to be any connection yet.

I've felt uncomfortable with physical touch for a long long time too - I can't even hug my wife for more than 20 seconds or so before feeling awkward. I hated being in church because of the whole hug greeting things they did.

I wish this didn't bother me, but it does. I'm sorry if you've suffered reading through this, I'd like to believe this can change, but the older I progress, the less likely that belief is going to be a reality for me.

There is a PM system on the chat room. You can also add people as friends, so even if you leave the server, you can still PM them later. Also, many of the members use things like skype and whatsapp.

I have found that the best way to overcome the inability to chat in the chat room is to chat.. I know people roll their eyes when I say this. I have mastered the art of having 3 conversations with a group of people at once. No, perhaps they aren't the most significant convos most days, but at least they are happening. Everyone has their part of adding a little fuel to the motor, so to speak. Find your part

Well you attract what you think

I think the expectation in many chatrooms is that people post if they have something to say, and don't if they don't. Unlike a face-to-face conversation there's not necessarily a continuous flow. At least, that's been my experience in the chatrooms I'm in. It's easy to misinterpret.

There is a way to chat one on one in the chatroom. Most of my conversations in there take place that way. Come back in and ask. Someone will show you how to do it.