Loneliness

I haven't spoken a word, except to my dying parents, about this loneliness I've been wrestling with. Im recently separated after many years of marriage and found out I have a terminal illness... I now live by myself and work many hours; I keep busy and try not to become idle; that's when my predicament hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel like the only person on earth. I've three good friends since early childhood. Recently, one moved across country and is engrossed in a new romance, one just "made it in Hollywood," and the other is somewhere on the streets of San Francisco chasing heroin addiction. I would talk, albeit pathetically it seems, with anyone who would listen, but I've realized no one, at least, not yet, seems to really care. I'm very close to my teenage children, but these words are not for them.
Everyday, when I awake or on my way home, the pit in my stomach begans, and an unconscious mantra repeats in my mind: you're alone and so shall you die, alone. I would be lying if I said this didn't bother me greatly, but I push it out of my mind. I think, with so many people in the world and so many similar situations, how can anyone be alone? How can anyone be alone in this age of technology in which we are all seemingly connected and can easily express ourselves whenever we want on just about any medium. So, I have tried depression forums and I am told perhaps I should try the anxiety forums. I have tried the anxiety forums and am told I should try the depression forums.... So perhaps I don't fit in these boxes and it feels a little bit like more rejection which the way that it is very difficult. Except for little pleasantries and cordiality at work and the sparse conversations I have with my parents, the only dialogue/monologue that of her occurs is with myself, in my quiet mind, in my quiet house. I know I am lonely and I do not want to be any longer. I want to share my thoughts and dreams of anyone that will listen to me; I need somebody to know that exist.

That's very sad to be surround by people but no one that you feel you can talk with. I am so sorry about your diagnosis. It must be a really scary thing to be going thru and doing it alone can only compound it.
I hope you are able to find some solace here. At least here you can speak your mind. And who knows, possibly even a PM buddy that wants to listen.
I think sometimes we are too strong for our own good and we feel we imposing on our loved ones when we share our problems. But honestly, I think if you shared as part of an otherwise "normal" conversation your loved ones could be of great help.

Thank you for your response. It's nice to feel heard.

There can be so many people with such similar interests and likes yes... but I think the problem is how different we all are in personality. It's really difficult to find someone who meshes so well with you on many levels, in terms of personality and behaviour and I find that this seems to be the root cause of why some interactions just don't work out, despite having all similar interests.

I think it is ironic and there is definitely some truth to how one can feel so alone when yet living with this age of technology where there are all these forms of communication. I think there are actually a lot of people that feel alone in todays day, to various degrees, despite this. I think it is basically because the way we communicate through technology, is not really natural.

And also, what ladyforsaken said is true. I think this is one reason why dating sites usually don't work. People only look for and respond to those with similar interests or certain traits only. But it is often the case in life where you may hold similar interests with someone, but are also just not compatible with them.

I've been feeling sorry for myself for too long. I don't want to wallow in my perceived loneliness anymore. I realize the times I'm most happy is when I am focused on another person in love. I have no control over life and death, but I can choose how I respond to what happens. I can't make anyone be my friend or love and respect me, but I can be a friend with much love and great respect without expecting the same in return. My job affords me this opportunity many times each day. In fact, i would not be performing my duties as I see them if I didn't try with all I have to understand, respect and love people daily. What I perceive that has happened to me is irrelevant in the light of another who will not benefit from an incessant pittyparty. Many times it's challenging, but it's always a choice.
By brain is going to fall apart, but In the meantime I can still think and feel meaningfully. My spine is falling apart, and despite the pain, I still do so many things. We all walk a similar path; tomorrow is but a dream and without a guarantee of coming to fruition. I will live for today. I would much like to have intimate, reciprocal relationships; I think it's crucial. I believe, soon enough, I will have good, mutually beneficial relationships with all sorts of people and in varying capacities. Thank you for this platform, dialogue and caring. Be well =)