MentatsGhoul
Well-known member
Chances are, if you've ever tried talking about any self-esteem issues you have, you've gotten this line "Why do you even care what they think? Just be yourself", or some variant of it. Alright, this might seem a bit toxic, but, I genuinely get annoyed by this bit of advice. I recently got this from my therapist after talking about some of my issues with her, and, it kinda ticked me off and felt unempathetic to me.
The funny thing is... I actually agree with it, follow it even. I genuinely DON'T care what anyone thinks of me. I don't even care what people I actually like think of me, much less the random person on the street. The only exception here is people I have developed a friendship or some kind of rapport with already, but, that's just being a normal functioning human being, of course you're gonna care what your friends, family or significant other think of you. The thing is though, people who throw out this mantra usually fail to understand what the issue that the other person is facing even is.
Here's an example. I genuinely think I'm attractive, by my own standards. But I feel like I'm not attractive to most women, because I simply get no attention for my looks. So, because the problem is related to how others perceive me, rather than how I perceive myself, it's a classic example of "caring what other people think". But let's dissect the issue. Do I care that Jane doesn't think I'm good looking? No, not really. But if all of Jane's friends, and the friends of Jane's friends, and the friends of her friend's friend's, with maybe one or two exceptions, find me unattractive? Well, yes, yes I do. See the difference? If I cared about Jane finding me unattractive, that would just be a question of whether I let it hurt my ego or not. But noticing that almost all the women in my social circle don't really much seem to throw any glances my way, well, that's an issue that can affect my life pretty badly by greatly lowering my dating pool, is it not? It has nothing to do with being such an unenlightened peasant who only defines himself by what other people think.
That's just one example though. It can be anything: Thinking people find you weird, that they don't find you funny, think you're annoying. Thing is, there's actually so many pieces of advice you can give. Genuinely reassuring the person that they're probably exaggerating the negative quality they think they exhibit. Telling them to just accept it, and look for the person who feel different. Giving them advice on how to better themselves. "Just stop caring" feels like such a cop out answer to me, at least, the way people tend to say it, and, actually feels like a bit of an insult sometimes, implying that the person is somehow socially "weak" and lets other people get to them too much. I know, almost every time, people have good intentions when they say this, but it's just starting to get on my nerves all of the above considered.
I don't know, maybe that's just me though. Just felt like venting about that
The funny thing is... I actually agree with it, follow it even. I genuinely DON'T care what anyone thinks of me. I don't even care what people I actually like think of me, much less the random person on the street. The only exception here is people I have developed a friendship or some kind of rapport with already, but, that's just being a normal functioning human being, of course you're gonna care what your friends, family or significant other think of you. The thing is though, people who throw out this mantra usually fail to understand what the issue that the other person is facing even is.
Here's an example. I genuinely think I'm attractive, by my own standards. But I feel like I'm not attractive to most women, because I simply get no attention for my looks. So, because the problem is related to how others perceive me, rather than how I perceive myself, it's a classic example of "caring what other people think". But let's dissect the issue. Do I care that Jane doesn't think I'm good looking? No, not really. But if all of Jane's friends, and the friends of Jane's friends, and the friends of her friend's friend's, with maybe one or two exceptions, find me unattractive? Well, yes, yes I do. See the difference? If I cared about Jane finding me unattractive, that would just be a question of whether I let it hurt my ego or not. But noticing that almost all the women in my social circle don't really much seem to throw any glances my way, well, that's an issue that can affect my life pretty badly by greatly lowering my dating pool, is it not? It has nothing to do with being such an unenlightened peasant who only defines himself by what other people think.
That's just one example though. It can be anything: Thinking people find you weird, that they don't find you funny, think you're annoying. Thing is, there's actually so many pieces of advice you can give. Genuinely reassuring the person that they're probably exaggerating the negative quality they think they exhibit. Telling them to just accept it, and look for the person who feel different. Giving them advice on how to better themselves. "Just stop caring" feels like such a cop out answer to me, at least, the way people tend to say it, and, actually feels like a bit of an insult sometimes, implying that the person is somehow socially "weak" and lets other people get to them too much. I know, almost every time, people have good intentions when they say this, but it's just starting to get on my nerves all of the above considered.
I don't know, maybe that's just me though. Just felt like venting about that