"Stop caring what other people think" rant

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MentatsGhoul

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Chances are, if you've ever tried talking about any self-esteem issues you have, you've gotten this line "Why do you even care what they think? Just be yourself", or some variant of it. Alright, this might seem a bit toxic, but, I genuinely get annoyed by this bit of advice. I recently got this from my therapist after talking about some of my issues with her, and, it kinda ticked me off and felt unempathetic to me.

The funny thing is... I actually agree with it, follow it even. I genuinely DON'T care what anyone thinks of me. I don't even care what people I actually like think of me, much less the random person on the street. The only exception here is people I have developed a friendship or some kind of rapport with already, but, that's just being a normal functioning human being, of course you're gonna care what your friends, family or significant other think of you. The thing is though, people who throw out this mantra usually fail to understand what the issue that the other person is facing even is.

Here's an example. I genuinely think I'm attractive, by my own standards. But I feel like I'm not attractive to most women, because I simply get no attention for my looks. So, because the problem is related to how others perceive me, rather than how I perceive myself, it's a classic example of "caring what other people think". But let's dissect the issue. Do I care that Jane doesn't think I'm good looking? No, not really. But if all of Jane's friends, and the friends of Jane's friends, and the friends of her friend's friend's, with maybe one or two exceptions, find me unattractive? Well, yes, yes I do. See the difference? If I cared about Jane finding me unattractive, that would just be a question of whether I let it hurt my ego or not. But noticing that almost all the women in my social circle don't really much seem to throw any glances my way, well, that's an issue that can affect my life pretty badly by greatly lowering my dating pool, is it not? It has nothing to do with being such an unenlightened peasant who only defines himself by what other people think.

That's just one example though. It can be anything: Thinking people find you weird, that they don't find you funny, think you're annoying. Thing is, there's actually so many pieces of advice you can give. Genuinely reassuring the person that they're probably exaggerating the negative quality they think they exhibit. Telling them to just accept it, and look for the person who feel different. Giving them advice on how to better themselves. "Just stop caring" feels like such a cop out answer to me, at least, the way people tend to say it, and, actually feels like a bit of an insult sometimes, implying that the person is somehow socially "weak" and lets other people get to them too much. I know, almost every time, people have good intentions when they say this, but it's just starting to get on my nerves all of the above considered.

I don't know, maybe that's just me though. Just felt like venting about that
 
Fair vent bro.

When you got all these people saying the same thing to you, in your case, these women don't find you "the man", it will have an imprint. I've been told by all and my mates tell me their mates tell them ect that I look tired, dopey whatever, which I do at times. I used to be able to discard it like you say, but I can't, everyone says it, even at social events, people will tell me, "you alright, bit tired?" annoying honeysuckle I tell you.

Not giving a fresia about what others think stretches this far, to yourself. Accept it, make it a part of your history, and move on, in your case, keep trying, fresia all these people, you can't change how you look, apart from your body, so just understand who you are, find peace with it, and carry the fresia on.
 
The One said:
Fair vent bro.

When you got all these people saying the same thing to you, in your case, these women don't find you "the man", it will have an imprint. I've been told by all and my mates tell me their mates tell them ect that I look tired, dopey whatever, which I do at times. I used to be able to discard it like you say, but I can't, everyone says it, even at social events, people will tell me, "you alright, bit tired?" annoying honeysuckle I tell you.

To be fair, that was just one example, not really the biggest problem I face in life lol. But I actually have the exact same issue as you with people telling me I look tired all the time, or even telling me I'm sad when I'm actually doing alright. Probably because my eyes make me look like a crack addict lol
 
You don't necessarily have to care what Jane thinks. But, what do YOU think? What do you think about yourself matters a great deal. And, for the "dont' care about what people think" mantra, that is true to a point. I mean, who could function if we always worried because nobody would ever be happy no matter what anyway. On the other hand, i have read that the only people who really don't care what people think are the people at the very bottom of society or the very top. Obviously, most of us are in the middle. We do have to care what people think to some extent. You have to care about what your boss thinks about your for instance. I would think most of us want to think that our loved ones think highly of us as well, etc. I guess i am saying is to invest in the people who really impact your life. Your boss, your family, your friends. Of course you care what they think. Random strangers, No.
 
The thing that probably worries me more about this saying is that if you take it to heart in certain aspects of life (as I've done), you can alienate a lot of people (especially in the age of social media. That can cause a lot of problems.
 
Take things to heart, you will be destroyed.

Everyone will have different opinions about you, it's all about how you feel inwardly, if you're will is strong, others' opinions do not stifle your inner self, thus allowing you to develop who you are as a person truly.

Moral- Allow people to observe and tell you things, it's your job to decide *can it be changed*, and if so *is it worth you time?*
 
Yeah, I can get how that statement becomes frustrating when you're actually looking into your personal flaws and trying to improve yourself. I think the point is evaluating whose statement is a valid criticism of a general flaw of yours and what's just failure to live up to the standard of one fickle individual. As everyone including yourself already noted, you are not getting around caring about what some important people in your life think about you, even if it might just be for the purpose of minimizing conflict.

There are intrinsic traits which are unique but certainly not negative by default, so they shouldn't be discarded just because some decided to cast their judgment onto you. Your basic appearance and character traits are the hand you've been dealt and which you have to play.

I know that when it comes down to attracting potential friends or partners, you are reliant on what others think about you because it's about reciprocation. Of course you can always fake it and tell yourself that caring is optional, but we all know it's often unavoidable. Faking it is bad call in the long run though, so I'm with those who tell you to just accept that you will never be able to make all of Jane's friend's friends like you. The best you can do is go for the few who already do. Maybe they'll even be ones who convince others of your positive sides, who knows...
 
Mostly what I've learned is that when people are judgmental ******** it's because of something in their own life, not particularly pertaining to you at all.
The fact of the matter is, that you cannot solve ignorance without an education. That much is innate. So when people are getting shitfuck slammed in life, they educate themselves to try and cope and understand. However, this coping mechanism is a sort of stretch of comfort zones. So in meeting people, really what you're experiencing is a face-to-face type of meeting with YOUR comfort zone, and someone elses. That's what causes most stipulations within social matters.
 
I think "just stop caring" is only applicable in certain situations. Like, when I was thinking about how people in school treated me growing up, and my bullies. I can genuinely say I don't care what they think of me anymore, because I realized that the problem was with them choosing to be lousy people and not anything that was my fault. It's easy for me to not care what people like that think, who always thought they were "better" than me and were just looking to establish dominance over me. It's not like they were trying to offer some kind of constructive criticism. So no, I don't care what they think.

I used to just not care what anyone thought of me, thinking that it was all a form of sucking up to others and in doing so, recognizing their superiority over me. Now I think of it as taking pride in my appearance and wanting to be the best version of myself as possible.

I don't really like "be yourself" as advice though, because "being yourself" could be the very thing that's causing patterns of failure in your life to keep repeating. "Yourself" could have come out all wrong for a variety of reasons. I know that "myself" for a very long time was skewed by how I was treated by my peers in school and I am just now starting to realize this and change the way I view myself to have more confidence.
 
I feel like the phrase is like an end goal, but not an instruction of doing things. How do i explain this .. It's not something that you add to your behavioral repertoire and move on with your life, but instead something you work towards through other means, and end up with a state of mind of not caring what other people think. I feel like not all people make that distinction, and that could cause the friction it sometimes does.
 

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