I don't know what it's like to feel genuine friendship (autistic spectrum)

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Almajo88

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I have diagnosed Aspergers. Outwardly I don't show any symptoms of autism to people and so they assume that I'm just quiet; in truth I don't have any friends and have to fake even feeling close to my family. The world seems bleak to me, I'm on a high dose of anti-depressants but they only lightly mitigate my thoughts, because they're underpinned by complex reasoning.

Yet I am capable of enjoying conversation, even if I find it stressful. I need human companionship despite not being able to cope with the demand of it, the acting and constant evaluation. I'm starting to wonder if I'm capable of love at all, or even if anybody is capable of loving me. Realistically I think that I can only manage to be close to one person at most, but even finding one person is challenging when you're atypical even among those diagnosed with ASD. People have all sorts of demands which are completely alien to my understanding, and because I'm not outwardly symptomatic to those who don't know me (ie. everybody), they're less understanding when I appear to breach social convention.

It's difficult to feel any fondness for people because they have a tendency to believe whatever is convenient to them, even at the expense of others. When something is repeated often enough then people tend to believe it rather than challenge it, either through weariness or a selfish desire to feel moral superiority without having to actually think about things even if it means being told what (and in what terms) to think. People left me to decay without a second thought, so it makes sense that I struggle to feel anything for them, but at the same time on an intellectual level I find most people to be pitiable and I don't believe any person can render truly objective judgement, indeed I don't really think that people have much control over their own lives. Thus the contradiction between how I think and how I feel leads to overstimulation and a headache.

Veering off a little there but what I really want to bring up is how frustrated I feel. The one thing that I want, to be close to somebody, anybody, is both impossible and ever visible through the internet or other means. Life is empty and I can't do anything with myself until that changes, but I'm not convinced that it can be changed. Does anybody understand this?
 
I understand but I have no real advice.

You seem to be at a place where your trying to makes some sense of of the challengers you face.

I have found that people that struggle to show or feel close to anyway often is because they have had there feelings hurt and have not grown up with the best people around them.
It sounds to me that for you there could have been problems with people from school?
It makes you like that in order to protect yourself. If you think that is what the world is when your younger and everyone is kinda cold towards you then that makes you cold.

That is all a bit vague I admit. I guess I was trying to say something helpful.

I think to try and look at positives in your life.
Are you healthy.
You obviously have a good working brain even if it gives you all of this to cope with.

I have found the older I get the more able I am to express emotion.
You do start to feel more confidant to say hay this is how I feel.
Sometimes you have to understand yourself before your able to love another. That can take a long time.
I would say your on the right road to that.

Keep the faith brother :Y
 
Thanks for the reply, Bluey. Don't worry, I don't really want advice, just understanding and perhaps some sort of human contact!

Well, being diagnosed with Aspergers meant that I had constant support during school, a support worker with me in every lesson. It's difficult to socialise normally when you have that sort of obstacle and the stigma it brings. I'll admit that I wasn't really bullied, although plenty of people assumed that I was intellectually challenged, despite my grades.

I'm capable of being objective about that, though. I'm not delusional and I think that the way that I feel is a result of logic more than anything. I fell out of education at the age of 17 and started to read a lot about the world, learned about politics, society, things I had no interest or knowledge about before. Perhaps I managed to find my place in the world through that knowledge, but I don't think that I'm happy with it. I tried to study more but always fell out because of this persistent feeling of apathy, this lack of purpose. That's something I hate because I KNOW that I'm capable, and I got into a good university (Uni of Liverpool) through my grades but I'm held back by all of this.

This was meant to be a reply but I feel like I ended up rambling about my own thing, aha~ thanks again for the reply though, it does mean something to see that people do care and are willing to engage with my condition in some way!
 
Sometimes on here you dont really need any body to say anything that useful.
You just need some sort of reply so you can keep typing all the crap from out your head in order to makes sense of it.

I think when someone is very bright it is header to help them in giving advice.
Manly because anything you say they would have already thought off.

It is a real shame you dropped out of uni.
I feel just from the little I have seen of you on this bard that you are very bright.
I would go back if you can. Your still very young so its nowhere near to late for you.
Dont live with regrets. Life is to Short.

I did get bullied a bit at school but I am way over all that now.

I know what you mean about the support teacher. A part of being in school is whispering stuff to your mate next to you and giggling at crap when your supposed to be working and listening to the teacher. Thats just apart of being a kid. I would say an important part too.
Having a support teacher next to you the hole time would have stooped that and made all the other kids look at you differently.
I think you did miss out there you are right.
I did not have a support worker. I was home schooled for the best part of a year and had huge amounts of time off do to ill health.
So I missed out but not in the same way. I just was not there at all lol Not that I minded. I hated school and I certainly would not go back if I could.

Dont mind the Rambling. Ive done a fair bit of that on here in my time.
Some of it drunken too. But glad to say not in a lot of years now :)
 

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