don't want to live anymore

I am a piece of honeysuckle and everybody knows it. I feel like I am the scum of the earth. I never had anything in my life. I don't know what happiness feels like at all. I have been depressed since I was a teenager. Nothing ever helped, nothing ever got better. I am on meds now and therapy and neither of them help. I graduated college last month and everything is still the same, i still feel the same and the circumstances are still the same. I have no income and am looking for a job with no luck. I'm not even sure if I am able to work since I always lose every job I have. I'm even thinking about applying for disability.

Socially I am isolated, I have no friends, not even online, and I never had a gf before. I get crazy mood swings and lately I have been feeling like self harming and having suicidal ideations. I feel everyone has something against me, that nobody likes me, and that people just want to mock me, laugh at me, make fun of me, or put me down. And with my low self esteem and anxiety, it makes me afraid of people. I feel like all 7 billion people in this world are better than me in every way imaginable. I feel like a complete piece of honeysuckle, not even human.

I do not care what the future holds because things have never changed. I am still the same person, stupid, loser, hideous, loner, weirdo. Everyone is better than me. I can't even be around people because I feel inferior to everyone. I don't care about life, I just want to off myself. The only reason I don't do it yet is because of my mother, so instead I just live everyday in hell.

I don't think that you are scum of the earth. And I think deep down you know you are worth more than that. Take a deep breath.

Aw, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling down, lilE. I'm curious how your job search has been going since you graduated - any calls from potential employers? Keep at it, I hope you find a job you like.

-Teresa

Well, considering that I don't want to live anymore, I don't see the point. If I do live then I am going to try and apply for disability again.

I just feel I should off myself the sooner the better, instead of getting older and worse. I think my mother would be better off without me in the bigger picture I love her and only her but I am a liability to her.

How long have you been in therapy ..talking therapy ? which can take quite some time often a year or more and be very challenging and produce very intense negative feelings which your then pretty much obliged to confront and come to terms with before you can make further progress.....but long term given the right therapist it can be extremely helpful...but it's not remotely an easy ride

Also it's really important that you have a medication that actually works for you at a dosage that works.....I think you should give some thought to speaking to your GP or specialist about this

lilE im in the same position as you sadly I don't know what to tell you im very close to ending myself as well I feel your pain life isn't fair and no one ******* cares about people like us they treat us like honeysuckle and laugh at us and tell us were looking for attention but no one will ever understand how painful life really is.

Man what makes you guys unique ? How could you possibly know what others have had to deal with ...have suffered. and people on here do their best to offer hope ....firstly you have to care about yourself

AmytheTemperamental said:

I don't think that you are scum of the earth. And I think deep down you know you are worth more than that. Take a deep breath.

Click to expand...

well said Amy

I am sure lots of people have read this thread but just dont know what what to say

So who is the scum of the earth then ? Justin Bieber/Michael Gove/ or the woman on the fruit and veg isle at my local Asdas. ?

lilE said:

Well, considering that I don't want to live anymore, I don't see the point. If I do live then I am going to try and apply for disability again.

I just feel I should off myself the sooner the better, instead of getting older and worse. I think my mother would be better off without me in the bigger picture I love her and only her but I am a liability to her.

Click to expand...

I realize that depression can impinge one's ability to think realistically and rationally but I don't know any mom who is better off in the bigger picture without her child. It sounds like your mom cares about you. Killing yourself would undoubtedly devastate her forever.

-Teresa

Well yes obviously I hope that is the case but being a Mother isn't always a particularly positive experience for her offspring my own mother was a vile manipulating creature with no ethical compass and was directly responsible for inflicting serious grief on both myself and others....one of the main problems for a young son or daughter ( and in fact this can extend well into adulthood) is being able to recognise the destructive part a parent plays in and constantly reinforces and removing themselves from that poisonous influence

dn560 said:

lilE im in the same position as you sadly I don't know what to tell you im very close to ending myself as well I feel your pain life isn't fair and no one ******* cares about people like us they treat us like honeysuckle and laugh at us and tell us were looking for attention but no one will ever understand how painful life really is.

Click to expand...

I do hope things work out for you, thanks for reply.

SofiasMami said:

lilE said:

Well, considering that I don't want to live anymore, I don't see the point. If I do live then I am going to try and apply for disability again.

I just feel I should off myself the sooner the better, instead of getting older and worse. I think my mother would be better off without me in the bigger picture I love her and only her but I am a liability to her.

Click to expand...

I realize that depression can impinge one's ability to think realistically and rationally but I don't know any mom who is better off in the bigger picture without her child. It sounds like your mom cares about you. Killing yourself would undoubtedly devastate her forever.

-Teresa

Click to expand...

I think you are right.