Accepting romance will never be a part of your life

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MentatsGhoul

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Look. I know this just sounds like another self-defeating, overdramatic thread. I know all the responses are probably just gonna be "But you're young, things can change!". But, trust me when I say, I know myself, and I gotta face facts.

I know it probably sounds like I'm exaggerating. I'm quite smart, depending on how open I can be with someone, I can be quite funny, I don't have any serious personality disorders other than depression and likely some anxiety, which don't really affect who you are at your core as a person, and, I AM still young. But... I just don't get along with people. I just don't. I try and try, I haven't made any progress at all, in fact, things get worse year to year. I've been rejected, cast aside by all my peers for my entire life. At school, I was the kid who sat alone at lunch, or was just quiet while sitting with others. When I try to speak up, people will give a polite smile and not, and continue to ignore me. In university, I'm the guy who just shows up for lectures, who never gets beyond the "what do you study" and "where are you from" conversation. I try to go out, join clubs, do everything in my power, and always the same, always the same isolation and rejection. Even having friends is a luxury for me most of them time, and the rare times I do, it never lasts. Most of the time, the only people who "like" me are only so because they find some of my "issues" relatable to them, or they project someone else onto me, or they just need someone to use to get rid of their own loneliness. Romance is... an impossibilty for someone like me. That "spark" is never there for someone else with me. It just never is. I'm not a horrid person. Just not someone anyone can really be into. I'm always the "You SHOULD be able to find someone, just not me" guy.

Or, maybe not quite impossible. Certainly improbable beyond any reasonable doubt. Ultimately I could settle for one of the very, very rare girls who likes me for one of the aforementioned reasons, or just over my looks. But that chance is very low. And even if I do, the chances of things working for more than a few months is significantly lower still. It's just... not enough to even bother getting my hopes up. I just wish I could find some way to accept this.
 
MentatsGhoul said:
But, trust me when I say, I know myself, and I gotta face facts.
Or, maybe not quite impossible. Certainly improbable beyond any reasonable doubt. Ultimately I could settle for one of the very, very rare girls who likes me for one of the aforementioned reasons, or just over my looks. But that chance is very low.

Lookit, to me it is strange that any guy would have a problem. From where I am sitting guys seem to find it so easy. I don't know any single guys. I know a lot of great girls who are single. That being said, ever since I was younger I suspected I would never marry and have kids. I tried. God knows I went on dates... I went out with people but I was never all that interested in them and them me. In school I was never asked to dances, or if I was there, asked to dance. In college I would meet a guy friend, have him come to my room and 3 weeks later find out he was with my roommate. Since I am actually sort of cute, and a little overweight but not that bad, and, since I have seen so many much uglier and much fatter women get great guys, I have to presume it is something particular to me. Perhaps this is a new kind of sexuality that I am not aware of. Perhaps some day they will find that some people are this way. That others don't "bond" to. I have found many women that seem to have an overabundance of bonding. One guy gets done with them, they find another right away. It can't be looks or status because I am doing decently with both. But certain people just seem like magnets for this sort of thing because of something enticing about them. While others don't seem to have this.

My suspicion in case it helps you.. that there is some sort of compassion or bonding thing currently missing from us. We look a certain way or lack a smile or maybe even give off a smell or anti pheromone that makes people not "stick" to us. I am generally considered very funny and I have suspected that something about that seems to show an indifference or ambivalence that perhaps leads to people not being interested in us. I believe a lot of people really do like me but seem weary of going further. Perhaps it is something about the way I dress. I tend to be more tomboyish and usually when I dress in a dress or something people go ape on me and I run back to the jeans.

I have accepted it and now that I am a little older.. I am starting to embrace it and be happy about it. So many of my friends that are married ARE miserable. That isn't dinging it but things get so complicated and crazy and my life is pretty calm and even keeled. Still hurts sometimes when like the very last person at your job gets married who wasn't before. But I know in my heart that this one thing just wasn't in the cards for me.
 
I don't really know you well enough to give you any type of personalized advice or suggestions, but one thing that is true for everyone, in my opinion, is that nothing is impossible if you really want it. The only time you fail is when you give up and refuse to keep trying. The last piece of generic advice I can give that would apply to everyone would be that negativity does leak out like a toxin. People will notice it and that could hurt your chances of anything real in the long term. And then there's self sabotage, conscious or unconscious, because you just "know" it will end horribly or go nowhere, so why even try.

Just some of my own thoughts, take them or leave them.
 
EmilyFoxSeaton said:
Lookit, to me it is strange that any guy would have a problem. From where I am sitting guys seem to find it so easy. I don't know any single guys. I know a lot of great girls who are single.

In my experience, as a male in my 20s, the complete opposite of this is true. I know of girls who have never asked anyone out in their life but are almost never single but I've never seen that with a guy before. On dating apps, it's almost always the guy who is expected to do the hardwork and if he sends a message like "How's it going?" then there is a 95% chance he won't get a response whereas if a woman sent that message then chances are, she will get a response.

Not trying to complain, just how I see it.
 
Maybe romance is not what you should be looking for, at least not in its undiluted form. I don't think long-term relationships can be sustained on the basis of (romantic) love alone. If you get together with someone, it certainly shouldn't be just to treat each other's loneliness, but to support and encourage one another to improve as a person. Which encompasses your character traits and individual skills and how you apply them in real life. You gain self-respect and respect for the other party contributing and you build your life, knowing you can rely on each other. Maybe that's also love, I don't know. Maybe it's friendship. Or a little bit of both. I'm just providing a different angle.
 
Paraiyar said:
In my experience, as a male in my 20s, the complete opposite of this is true. I know of girls who have never asked anyone out in their life but are almost never single but I've never seen that with a guy before. On dating apps, it's almost always the guy who is expected to do the hardwork and if he sends a message like "How's it going?" then there is a 95% chance he won't get a response whereas if a woman sent that message then chances are, she will get a response.

Just to clarify, I am not talking a date or hook up. But a serious stable stick to it relationship. For me that is a no go. In fact I can go further. It isn't just relationships, it is friends. No matter how much of a BFF I think I have... I always find out that I am #2 and there is someone else that they really like better. I am never the BFF. I am the, well, BFF is busy so I will see what Emily is doing.

My early dating life was populated with getting guys who *I* thought were really into me only to find out, not so much. I mean they were there, and we did things and I thought we were a couple but, I just wasn't "the girl you marry". To quote the popular game, marry, kill, F*** I was not marry. Not even kill of F***, more like marry, kill, talk to if no one else is around.
 
Mmm... I don't really know you OP, so I can't really give much in the way of advice. I'm more stabbing in the dark here, but well... your comment about not being able to get past that initial 'what do you study' and generic questions like that made me wonder about it. Again, I don't really know you, but perhaps you could pick up a hobby or two to talk to people about. Or perhaps ask them questions and approach people instead of always trying to respond things. Ask what they like to do, and then listen and follow that up with something. T'is hard for me to do, but I somehow manage.

Again, I don't know you, so I don't know if that's something you already do. It was just a thought I came across while reading.

@EmilyFoxSeaton

Hang on? What? With me it's the other way around. I know a load of guys who are all single, and any girl I know/approach is already in a relationship... Where do you live? Can I live there. Haha...

I joke of course, but still, struck me as odd since I always see it as the other way around. Probably just co-incidence.
 
ThatZealousOne said:
@EmilyFoxSeaton

Hang on? What? With me it's the other way around. I know a load of guys who are all single, and any girl I know/approach is already in a relationship... Where do you live? Can I live there. Haha...

I joke of course, but still, struck me as odd since I always see it as the other way around. Probably just co-incidence.

I think it's one of those "you see what you want to see" type of things.

Like when you buy a new car and think no one has it, but then you're driving around and see a million of them. You just never noticed them before because you weren't looking for them.

There are likely the same number of singles men and women in the majority of places. Of course, that's not true for everywhere, but you also have to consider that some people lie about being in relationships so they don't have to outright say no or they aren't looking for a relationship.

I have used the "I'm married" excuse a few times....it's not a lie, I AM married....my husband just lives with his girlfriend. lol It lets the other person down easier when they think someone is already in a relationship. Not saying I wouldn't date any of the guys that have asked me out, I'm just not looking for a relationship right now.
 
Rodent said:
I don't think long-term relationships can be sustained on the basis of (romantic) love alone.

I don't think love is enough either. Which is why it's pointless for me. Sure, I can love. But it's not the most important aspect. It's just not enough.
 
Some days I accept it, some days I think there's a chance. Either way the world keeps seeing me the same way even when I've changed.
 
I have never had a boyfriend or any relationship or even a date! and I am 24. I have tried online dating but I am not "good enough" by the looks. Sex, yes by about 3 people. I was never asked out at school or has anyone like me. I was a social reject at high school..in fact all of school!, so severely no one missed me when I left. Still like this. They made jokes about people liking me the odd time. It is always fun to pick on the fat kid who has no friends.
I think I will be alone for the rest of my life but if that be it...oh well I hope i find comfort spmehow.
 
TheRealCallie said:
I think it's one of those "you see what you want to see" type of things.

Like when you buy a new car and think no one has it, but then you're driving around and see a million of them. You just never noticed them before because you weren't looking for them.

There are likely the same number of singles men and women in the majority of places. Of course, that's not true for everywhere, but you also have to consider that some people lie about being in relationships so they don't have to outright say no or they aren't looking for a relationship.

I have used the "I'm married" excuse a few times....it's not a lie, I AM married....my husband just lives with his girlfriend. lol It lets the other person down easier when they think someone is already in a relationship. Not saying I wouldn't date any of the guys that have asked me out, I'm just not looking for a relationship right now.

Yeah, probably is just that. I dunno, it's just something I tend to see. T'is very odd. But like I said, I'm sure that's just the case, just sod's law at the end of the day. Hah. That and perspective.

I never get why people lie about being in a relationship though. I mean, if you aren't interested then fine, so why lie? But... well... I suppose there are people around who would not take kindly to that I suppose. It's easier. Seems kinda sucky, but it might be for the best. *shrug*
 
As a male in my 40's, I still don't think "romance" even exists. At least I haven't seen proof that it does.

I keep hunting but since I don't know where to look, it makes the hunt impossible.
 
I stopped looking sotospeak years ago. Problem is, you still fall in love. Rather unintentionally. Like, while trying not to either. It gets easier and easier to deal with over time. Because, you get used to the steps of acceptance, and find yourself repeating them over and over again. Kinda like beating the humanity out of you. At least, roundabouts what it feels like. Rather difficult to do without becoming bitter. However, my perspective on it is: Since I'm single, I have all the time in the world and absolutely no motivation to do anything that I don't really want to do. It's nice considering that my last relationship I was basically consumed in male introvert/female extrovert and early college years. From one extreme to the other. -_-. I'm dealing with it a lot better though. I guess the good thing about coming from nowhere and nothing is that you learn what somewhere is and what something is, and if that falls through then well, you did come from nowhere and nothing after all. I'm in a Hell of a catch 22: I could push myself to do more than my level of standards, which would be a benefit to me, but I lack the motivation and reasoning as to why I would need to. I more or less adapt. And, I don't think I'm applicable for a relationship, until I push myself beyond my standards. While slightly out of context, I kind of feel like Mickey Nox in Natural Born Killers: "You say: "Why?" I say: "Why bother?" A romantic love is progressively becoming more and more of an optional feat to me over time. I'm hardening more and more, and getting used to it. It has good and bad perspectives.... On the bright side, I'm not wrapping myself up around someone else who may or may not know who and what the fresia about themselves yet in their life....on the not so bright side, I haven't quite managed to kill it off yet. I suppose to some extent that I'm afraid of what I'll be like without that after it's completely obliterated. What I thought was dodging dead end roads, seems to only lead to, more dead end roads. So I decided to refrain myself....this is as far as it goes. I have things I have to do besides aimlessly wander around now. I mean you only get so many times to restart in life sotospeak.
 
If people put more effort in making the romance a foundation, instead of a seduction, I may feel like it was more necessary.
 
There is so much that goes into a relationship. I am 55 and have been married twice. First marriage was a disaster that took ten years of my life. Second marriage was suppose to be a forever thing and I think it would have been had he not died...

Anyway, I have a couple of things to say (once you get to know me you will know that I ALWAYS have a couple of things to say:)

First is, if you decide that you don't want to be in a relationship, there is nothing wrong with that. As in me, right now, I am having fun! Enjoying the freedom of it being all about me for a change, with no one to answer to.

If you wish for a relationship perhaps look at it a little more as you being the responsible one for your own happiness, as in take the initiative, how do you know that person isn't interested in you until you ask, what can you do to keep it ineresting? Secondly, maybe focus on being just friends first. That way you can see if someone has much in common with you to build a relationship on rather than just attraction and sex, of which both will only last for a time. My first marriage did not come from a friendship, my second did.

Another thing I want to bring up is that perhaps you are picking the wrong kind of people??

For instance, I would be totally attracted to a longhaired blonde David Lee Roth type of guy...however I know from experience now, that this is not the type of guy one would be able to build the kind of relationship I would wish to have with.

In high school I dated this guy "Matt" and "Matt" was a really good guy, however I was looking for someone else, more excitement at the time. Broke up with him telling him that there was nothing wrong with him that there was just no spark there for me. Looking back now I wish I had given Matt more of a chance, think I would have had a more stable and bettter life as a result. But then again had my life not been how it was I would have never met my second husband.

Lastly, (for I do feel I am going on and on here) I just want to say that you all seem young and even in your forties there is still a lot of time to find the right one. Focus on being a better you and the right one will be more attracted to you.

And, believe me, if you don't find Mr. or Mrs. Right, you are far better off being alone!!!!!!

and, also:) just because a relationship fails, it doesn't mean that you were at fault....
 
Paraiyar said:
In my experience, as a male in my 20s, the complete opposite of this is true.

Ditto. I work in a library with a lot of socially awkward people. Almost all the women are married/have partners. About two thirds of the men are single, and it seems likely that the majority of them have never had a relationship.
 
hmmm...

for all you single men, learn from my experiences perhaps???

In high school while I was never a cheerleader and never promqueen I had lots of dates. I played in a band and so was one of the "cool" ones. This is in the 70's.

Two experiences stick out in my mind - I am not judgemental, hate people who are, hung with all types of people as I do now.

1st experience - I can't remember what year - junior I think, the first guy to ask me to the prom was this "nerd" that I had never had any acquaintance with but he was the first to ask so I accepted. He was one a lot of my friends made fun of - but like I care... We went to the prom and I had a really good time, thought he did too and we talked about dating and it seemed like a great idea to me. He never asked me out again, never spoke to me again except for quick hi's in the hallway as we passed. I always wondered, did he go out with me on a dare? Did he not have as much fun as he seemed to have? Was he afraid I would change my mind and not go out with him? I always thought he was afraid to ask me, so why didn't I ask him?? Don't be like either one of us. If he said he didn't want to date okay, I could have handled that, but her was the one who brought it up. Knowing is better than not knowing so speak up.

2nd experience - There was a guy in my Math class, I think because I was a musician I did well at math so it was a pretty advanced class. He was fat and awkward as a lot of you speak about being. But he was also incredibly intelligent and witty and sensitive. We would speak before and after class and I always wanted him to ask me out but he never did. Why didn't I ask him? One time he kind of hinted at it and I was all for it, what happened?

Speak up and speak out, isn't knowing for sure better than not knowing and wondering or worse yet thinking these awful things about yourselves when a great relationship could happen if you'd give it a chance?

If a guy tries to be nice and friendly and a girl does not respond, then I would say the girl is someone you wouldn't really want to know anyway. Maybe she isn't who you think she is. If it happens 95% of the time I'd say that you are picking the wrong women. Find better women.

This is just my advice from someone who has "been there and done that" however I know that all experiences are different and unless you are in someones shoes you don't see the whole story. I just hate seeing people so down on themselves when most times it isn't themselves they should be being so hard on.

Also I think that 20's are a lonely awkward time.
 

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