Confession

I remember when I wrote on here before that I said that I did not believe in love. Lately, I have been thinking of someone that is means so much to me. However, there is a huge problem. I find myself constantly thinking about this person, who I have not seen in 6 years. The most depressing thing is now he is in his 40s, married with kids, and is a principal of a school. I remember when I first met him when I was 13 in middle school.He was one of my favorite teachers. I was so shy around him, It was so hard for me to think about my school work when all I could think about was his smile and the way he helped me with my work. I could barely speak to him because he made me so nervous and when I did speak it would be quiet and fast. He was really helpful and really nice to me something that I needed because I had been bullied by my peers on most days. I tried to seek guidance from my friends, they were no help. They just thought it was disgusting. I tried to tell them that age was not important to me. There is not a day that goes by where I don't think of him. His face, his smile, his voice always haunts me in my dreams. I don't know how to let him go. The most embarrassing thing was I told him how I felt in an email, I was so embarrassed and I am still embarrassed. I am happy for him, it seems like he is living such a great life. Sometimes I wish I could have been with him, I wish I was around his age when he was single. If I could send him a dozen of roses each day I would to remind him of how beautiful he is to me. At the same time, I wish I could stop thinking about him, I really want my heart cut out of me. I feel so single,miserable,and heart broken.

That is sad. One of the girls I have always liked (for more than 6 years) is getting married. I thought I had moved on, but it still hurts. I could never tell her, and the guy who could tell her was my colleague too. I hardly think she even knows me, even though we were in the same class for 5 years. I wish I was confident, rich, funny, handsome and smart as him. Seems like these things matter unlike others say. A caring nature and true love do not seem to be considered eveytime.

When such things happen, it feels like everybody is celebrating their love, and we are all alone in a box, and can do nothing. But we still hope that some day, they will realize by some sort of magic or mind reading technology, about our feelings and how special they were, are and will be to us. How their thoughts were the only thing our mind wanted to have. It is painful, but we love the pain. Because the pain is about that someone special. We don't want to eat, sleep, smile, talk, think, work, etc. because it has no meaning without them. Music makes us cry. It makes us want them more. We don't want to move on, and we don't care being hurt, because they are happy.
They are busy planning their future with their new partner, planning about everything that we wanted to plan with them. About how they would never leave each other. And the whole world is happy about them. We wish someone (esp. they) come and hug us, but we have dived so deep into the pain that everything is meaningless.

In the end, we pray that they live happily forever, fulfill their dreams and forgive us for anything that we might have done to them.

While everyone is entitled to happy memories, I think that sometimes, dwelling on the past can do more harm than good. Especially when what we want from our past is unobtainable in our present.

How about listing down all the good qualities you saw in this teacher and use those as a goal for future relationships? That way you won't be dwelling on him so much but will have a better understanding of what you want from a partner in moving forward.

This post reminded me of one of my teachers, I was never in love with him, but most of my class was. He was goodlooking and young and smart. After I finished school I actually developed a friendship with him, we emailed for a long time and went to have coffee and some beers.
I cant remember why we stopped talking, so I googled him and sent him an email today.
Maybe i will get my friend back.

This feels like a replica of my life. Only the fact that I have a hard time letting go of a girl in my past. No matter what I have done which includes getting married having a son I still have hard time letting go of the past.

Most will say close that chapter and walk away. But, trust me it's not as easy as some may claim. The only cure which I ha e yet found is inner at most full happiness. If you can't find full happiness then you will always look back and search asking what if and why didn't I.

Urban Outlaw said:

While everyone is entitled to happy memories, I think that sometimes, dwelling on the past can do more harm than good. Especially when what we want from our past is unobtainable in our present.

How about listing down all the good qualities you saw in this teacher and use those as a goal for future relationships? That way you won't be dwelling on him so much but will have a better understanding of what you want from a partner in moving forward.

Click to expand...

I have troubles with dwelling on the past. I think a lot about my boyhood in Hong Kong which was almost half a century ago. I lived a pretty good life as a boy in a place that I loved and where I fit in. Ever since, i've always thought nothing was ever as good.

Now I'm transitioning from middle aged to being old.....my goal is to be content as an old guy who'll eventually leave this world saying to myself, 'I had a good start and a pretty good last 20 or 30 years, but boy oh boy, what a bleak desert of a life it was in between....'

However, the bleakness seems to still be here and I haven't quite yet gotten to the contentment part.

And he replied...got a friend back.

Agreed.

That borders on an obsession. I don't mean the "boil your bunny" type of obsession. I do mean the singular infinite focus on one object/item/person.

You have projected strong passionate feelings onto this person simply because of his qualities. You don't really know this person. You need to redirect your passions toward the 'qualities' that he showed, not toward him.

That guy could go home, snort coke, and beat his dog. You would have no idea because you've idealized him in your mind.

You can change this to your benefit by focusing on the qualities rather than the individual. Then you will have a healthy outlook and realize there are plenty of people out there who have those same qualities.

Break the obsession.