why did I even go

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Wayfarer

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Yesterday evening I went at a party one of my "friends" (you may realize why I use " ) was having for his birthday.

When such events happen, it's mandatory for me to go, as at least I'm supposed to be a friend and thus act like one.

Being around people makes me anxious. In addition I didn't know anyone else at this party, and basically all of them were couples.

I did try to speak, though I almost didn't at all. I arrived earler, helped a bit, cracked one or two bad jokes and sat alone for probably 90% of the evening.
There was music, but I didn't like it, and anyways I don't dance.
The food was ok but I expected better. It was a barbecue, but the guys in charge of cooking meat were horrible at it. There were also other dishes which were inside containers with serving spoons. But some people started eating from the serving spoons and that disgusted me (I know.. I have issues, ok).
It was full of mosquitoes and they had a certain penchant for my blood, but I guess it was unavoidable since we were in the countryside.

I couldn't help but ask myself.. why did I come? I mean I know I'm no party person.. and I know one of the reason I went was because otherwise I'm always home in my room on my own.
At this point I really don't know if I'm fine being completely by myself, but that is starting to seem the case.
And I don't know how to feel about that.

So why did I even write this thread? Uhm. D'oh XD
I really need to meet new people in real life, but I have social anxiety and sometimes panic a bit. Thus, these occasions when people I know invite their friends, are the best for me to actually meet new people, since I'm not meeting any on my own. However, I myself make it so I won't talk to them even in this case.

Am I hopeless after all? Maybe it's wrong to think I need company? Yet I can't yet resign to a life to spend completely alone. I have no idea what to think.
 
I know your ultimate question is much deeper, but regarding parties, plenty of people aren't into them and there's nothing wrong with that. Don't be someone you aren't and do things just to satisfy others' social or cultural expectations. Believe me other quieter people do exist, they're just difficult to find due to the nature of being such a person. I find it's easier to accept yourself when having a friend or partner who is the same. Like in school, you stick to your pack so to speak, and for me that was always the fellow "outcasts" or quiet people. There is a strength and comfort in numbers when you're that type of person, it's just finding them that can be difficult, particularly in western culture.

I have noticed, my brothers friends are mostly Indian men of his own age and older. He gets along with them better because their culture is not as loud and outspoken as the culture we come from. I've noticed Asian folks tend to be more on the quieter side as well. We have Asian neighbours with a toddler and you'll never hear a peep out of them, but they're very kind if you approach them. The rest of the street however, are loudmouthed party going typical Australians. I prefer those Asians above and beyond the others because they seem far more respectful and thoughtful of those around them, whereas the western way of thinking tends to be along the selfish lines of "I'm going to have fun and sod anyone around me who doesn't like that".

I'm going off track with this but, my point is to remember that culture plays a large part in how people behave. We tend to think being outspoken and social is THE way to be, but that's only by one cultures standards. In some places in the world, the outgoing person would be the black sheep. Don't they find even direct eye contact disrespectful in Japan, for example?

The world's a big place, and that's something that comforts me when I feel alone in that there are many people and many personalities. I don't know if this post even makes any sense, but I tried to put these thoughts down in the hopes that it might help you just a little.
 
First, that would disgust me too. I wouldn't bother eating much of anything after I saw someone eating from the serving spoon.

Second, it wasn't mandatory. Don't feel like you must do things or be at events that you just don't care about. If you don't want to go somewhere or do something or be around someone, then don't. That may sound mean, but you also shouldn't feel forced into something just because. If they weren't a close friend or a good friend, I wouldn't have bothered. There's actually a birthday event today for my guy's nephew, but I never considered once going. He's not my nephew, and I'm not going to keep sitting there like a balloon animal at a kid's birthday party just because. They don't consider me family. They don't treat me like family. I'm not going to bother with it. And oh well if they feel some type of way. I'm a little too old to be sitting at a child's birthday party that's not my child anyway.

I think that you should explore and experience at your own pace. We're not all supposed to be the same way by the same age. Go your by your own instinct on things. You want to go, then go ahead. Have fun. But if not, then tell them that maybe you'll be there at some other event.
 
No you don't have issues, that would also disgust me. Most children would know better than to do that. Gross.
 
Bubblebeam said:
I'm going off track with this but, my point is to remember that culture plays a large part in how people behave. We tend to think being outspoken and social is THE way to be, but that's only by one cultures standards. In some places in the world, the outgoing person would be the black sheep. Don't they find even direct eye contact disrespectful in Japan, for example?

I wonder how much that culture has to do with Japan's low birthrates.
 
Paraiyar said:
Bubblebeam said:
I'm going off track with this but, my point is to remember that culture plays a large part in how people behave. We tend to think being outspoken and social is THE way to be, but that's only by one cultures standards. In some places in the world, the outgoing person would be the black sheep. Don't they find even direct eye contact disrespectful in Japan, for example?

I wonder how much that culture has to do with Japan's low birthrates.

Japan's low birthrates have to do with insane expectations on men and women to commit in a culture that is becoming everytime more materialistic. As some say in other threads, there's really no good incentive to work your ass for a home and family anymore. It seems that at any moment you could loose it all, or it has become too dificult to achieve in moderns times thanks to technology.
 
Xpendable said:
Paraiyar said:
Bubblebeam said:
I'm going off track with this but, my point is to remember that culture plays a large part in how people behave. We tend to think being outspoken and social is THE way to be, but that's only by one cultures standards. In some places in the world, the outgoing person would be the black sheep. Don't they find even direct eye contact disrespectful in Japan, for example?

I wonder how much that culture has to do with Japan's low birthrates.

Japan's low birthrates have to do with insane expectations on men and women to commit in a culture that is becoming everytime more materialistic. As some say in other threads, there's really no good incentive to work your ass for a home and family anymore. It seems that at any moment you could loose it all, or it has become too dificult to achieve in moderns times thanks to technology.

Right but I think cultural shyness could also be part of the issue, there was a study by the Japanese government showing that around 25% of Japanese in their 30s are still virgins.
 
If shyness is such an impediment to proceate, why we haven't get rid of it through evolution?
 
Xpendable said:
If shyness is such an impediment to proceate, why we haven't get rid of it through evolution?

Because shy people can still find partners and breed, it's just harder and in Japan's case seems to have been taken to a really extreme level.
 
I can't blame you. Id rather go hungry than to go to functions like these. I also hate the outdoors with its mosquitos and other insects. And if it's hot, it's twice as bad.
All i think is "how long before I can leave and not be considered rude?" :p

Wayfarer said:
Yesterday evening I went at a party one of my "friends" (you may realize why I use " ) was having for his birthday.

When such events happen, it's mandatory for me to go, as at least I'm supposed to be a friend and thus act like one.

Being around people makes me anxious. In addition I didn't know anyone else at this party, and basically all of them were couples.

I did try to speak, though I almost didn't at all. I arrived earler, helped a bit, cracked one or two bad jokes and sat alone for probably 90% of the evening.
There was music, but I didn't like it, and anyways I don't dance.
The food was ok but I expected better. It was a barbecue, but the guys in charge of cooking meat were horrible at it. There were also other dishes which were inside containers with serving spoons. But some people started eating from the serving spoons and that disgusted me (I know.. I have issues, ok).
It was full of mosquitoes and they had a certain penchant for my blood, but I guess it was unavoidable since we were in the countryside.

I couldn't help but ask myself.. why did I come? I mean I know I'm no party person.. and I know one of the reason I went was because otherwise I'm always home in my room on my own.
At this point I really don't know if I'm fine being completely by myself, but that is starting to seem the case.
And I don't know how to feel about that.

So why did I even write this thread? Uhm. D'oh XD
I really need to meet new people in real life, but I have social anxiety and sometimes panic a bit. Thus, these occasions when people I know invite their friends, are the best for me to actually meet new people, since I'm not meeting any on my own. However, I myself make it so I won't talk to them even in this case.

Am I hopeless after all? Maybe it's wrong to think I need company? Yet I can't yet resign to a life to spend completely alone. I have no idea what to think.
 
I'd have gone, avoided the contaminated food, looked for some agreeable company and if there wasn't any, I'd have slipped away as discreetly as possible after making nice to the birthday boy or girl....after staying awhile for courtesy's sake.
 
I feel lonelier around people than i do when i am completely alone.
 
Bad food and mosquitoes - what a party! Oh well, you may have met someone nice there, and I think you did the right thing showing up for your friend's birthday.

Every minute alone at a party feels like an hour right?

If I am ever in a situation like yours I would have to make my excuses and leave, as I don't think I could take being alone at a party or feeling that I was unable to contribute to the conversation.

Once I went to a party of a bunch of physicists (work colleagues of my husband) and I was the only artist. Well, you can imagine that the conversation went completely above my head, and I didn't understand a word of their beloved subject. Not only that, the music was bad - we were promised really good rock music from birthday boy's collection, but in fact only one album was played (over and over again) all evening!

I ended up in the company of the family cat, having a little chat with anyone who came up to stroke it!
 
I stopped going to my girlfriend's family get-togethers. Those people are disingenuous. They're materialistic, manipulative, and aggressive. They snub me and my girlfriend. She still smiles and tries to be part of a family that doesn't want her.

I stopped going to my girlfriend's roller derby parties. The same thing happens to us at those events.
 
Wouldn't you want to be there to support your girlfriend though? Not for them but for her?
 
dd11 said:
Wouldn't you want to be there to support your girlfriend though? Not for them but for her?

I can say from experience of not having any desire to go to my guy's family events, that even trying to support someone doesn't weigh as heavily as simply not wanting to be around people that you just don't care for. I personally couldn't care less about supporting my guy when it comes to that. It's just not worth putting myself through the trouble of being in a situation that I could prevent by just not going.
 
I know. Just saying that it might be just as painful for your significant other and he/she might appreciate you being their to have their back. But, it depends on your relationship. There are times that i want DH with me and other times that he can come if he wants to or not. Just something you should talk about as a couple.
 
dd11 said:
Just something you should talk about as a couple.

I appreciate your concern. I stopped going to family parties years ago. The final straw was one Yule, when they cast out a lesbian family member to a hotel because she brought a girlfriend. My girlfriend has developed a sense of humor about her family due to her formerly abusive mother maturing. This is a process I have witnessed. The two of them bond by snarking on the elitists.

I have only recently stopped going to the derby after parties. I did notice that she was a bit concerned. Her response was, "We're going to be meeting at the bowing alley now, so you can entertain yourself." It's not really my scene, so I wasn't persuaded.

We're very open with each other, so I just asked her about my absence. Regarding her family, she told me basically what I typed above.

She also told me what I expected to hear about derby. She wants me there. She can't explain why, and stumbled when pressed. Well, last time I was at the bowling alley, there was a pinball machine. I'm now 65 pounds lighter. I probably won't stick to the floor, and the ball probably won't stick to my thumb anymore. I'll just have to avoid the snobbish people. People like my girlfriend's family probably made them that way. Thanks, dd11, for making me face what I already knew.
 
I think it is easier to handle if you know you are doing it for someone you love. But yes if she doesn't mind if u dont go then of course stay home.
 

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