Expiration Dates

I'm 63 years old and I've lived with my mother the last 15 years since dad died, (..good riddance!..) and I sold my own house. I've never married and I think about the past every day, dwelling on past mistakes and feeling disgust, anger and depressed that I've lived so long and not enjoyed much of any of it.

I've got 20 or 30 years left and I need to have some kind of contentment for it. I can not tolerate more years of enduring a grim monotonous sequence of one duty after another, cheerless and joyless. I'd rather find out what the next world holds, than more of that.

It isn't all bad. My only social network is public service volunteering, and it's better than social isolation. I have a relationship with a lady: she's been married and divorced twice and is very independent and self reliant, hence we'll never have a marriage or live-together mutual dependence.....but it's way more female companionship than I've had for decades. And I live on a pretty cool 12 acre rural property. I own a farm too.

But I dwell on the past! Every day I have imaginary conversations with my ******* of a father. And my 92 year old mother.......what a series of chores that is! And she takes liberties with trying to wield parental authority over me. She doesn't succeed, she doesn't have me by the balls, but it is so wearying to "manage" her!

So this is a rant. I accepted the job of managing the last years of a dysfunctional family better than the family managed things in the early years. Two older brothers walked away years ago, Dad was a self righteous, sanctimonious, holier-than-thou, two faced backstabber, Mom was a mood disordered mental case and here i am, aging and mostly cheerless and asking myself, when do I get to the expiration date of this effing family's cycle of grimness?

It sounds like your feelings towards your family will be the biggest obstacle in your goal of enjoying the next 20-30 years. Do you think you can find it within yourself to let go of all that? For your sake, not for theirs.

Have you ever sought counselling? The situation with your family has taken its toll you on emotionally (and understandably so) but without someone to talk to those feelings of frustration have perhaps turned into a resentment which will continually grow. Speaking to someone could offer help in coping with those feelings and allow you to vent freely.

It also sounds like you've become a carer to your mother? I don't know where in the world you are but some places have carer support; be it someone who comes in to give you a break for a few hours or services aimed more towards helping you escape the feeling of being trapped. I'd hate for you to go for another 20 years of misery, no matter what cards we have been dealt, no one deserves that.

On the theme of expiration dates; I'm 36 and after years of regretting about not having a fun past to look back on, I'm (perhaps desperately) now trying to make up for lost time before I'm considered too old. I'm trying to make friends, have a relationship, pick up new hobbies etc. That day when you look into the mirror and come to the conclusion that you've lost so much time and there is still so much to do, that's a scary day for sure.

Paraiyar said:

It sounds like your feelings towards your family will be the biggest obstacle in your goal of enjoying the next 20-30 years. Do you think you can find it within yourself to let go of all that? For your sake, not for theirs.

Click to expand...

^ This.

Wow, your mom is 92! I had to move back home and my mom likes to try and parent still. I don't think a parent can ever stop being a parent no matter what age, it's too hard to do when they care and only want whats best. Even if that means letting go.

All very good and relevant points! Yes, my own feelings are my biggest obstacle. Yes, I've considered going back to therapy....I saw a shrink individually for 2!/2 or 3 years when I was in my early twenties....that's a wait and see on the therapy; maybe after Mom dies and then it'll start with a search for references and locating the right therapist for me. And yes, I'm her sole caregiver. So far, I can leave her alone for s few hours, half a day or so, but no longer than that. Help? Maybe the first step in that direction would be a sitter to stay with her for those few occasions when I'm away for a few hours....when she grows feebler. Not that I have that many social engagements....

OK, I re-read my post which I posted pretty spontaneously and gosh, I sure sound bitter. That's an eye-opener for me, right there. And of course, the irony wasn't lost on me to see my little comment "Be here now"....I should take that advice myself.

The only time you have is now. And, i think to expect anything of your mother at age 92 isn't going to happen. She is who she is. You live together for a common purpose, that isn't a bad thing. You are helping her and it gives you stability of your family home. So, yes, you have some time and energy caring for her and your home. And, that is in essence your work at this point. But, all work and no play is no fun. So, the real question is how to bring some more fun and joy into your life?
We all know that what is past is past. And, we all have issues laying down the past. There is nothing abnormal about that. But, you are 63 so now is the time to squeeze some fun and joy out of life. Nothing you say, think or do will change the past. And it has made you who you are here today. You seem to have identified some wonderful things. Your farm, your volunteer, your friend, etc. You can certainly make the most of those.