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Pogo Poodle

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I need some objective advice. Don't really know how to proceed here....

I've been married to a wonderful woman for 14 years. We have three awesome kids and a great family life. She is the love of my life and the most beautiful woman I have ever known. I can't imagine my life without her!

Okay, so what's the problem?

We haven't been sexually intimate in over two years. Whenever I try to initiate sexual intimacy, she pulls away. Every once in a while, she will make a suggestive comment to me, which can be both confusing and frustrating as I don't know what she really wants. We have had multiple conversations about sex, during which we have discussed her reluctance toward it. She has said that she wants more intimacy in other areas (talking, touching, spending time together, etc). I enjoy doing everything with her, and have really tried to contribute more in other areas of our relationship. She has expressed that sexual sensations "feel different" now, attributing it possibly to menopause and other hormonal changes she is experiencing. Sometimes when I touch her in sensitive areas, she will move my had away and tell me it doesn't feel right. I really don't know what to do. It's gotten to the point where I have considered taking certain herbal supplements to lower my sex drive.

I know she loves me and she knows I love her. I'm really trying to empathize with her, and I struggle not to take it personally, but it's tough sometimes. I work to focus my attention more on the non-sexual areas of our relationship, and there is much to appreciate there, but it doesn't change the fact that I want a sexual relationship with her. I just don't know how to get past that stumbling block. If our sex life if truly over, I can certainly live with that, as we have so much more together, but I feel like I need a definite answer so I can refocus and enjoy what we do have together. I can't keep wondering "what if" and "maybe someday". I've been practicing techniques like meditation, awareness, deep breathing exercises, etc so that I can live more in the here and now, but the nagging question of whether she may or may not want me sexually someday always sneaks into my mind, and it's ripping me up inside! I feel like a needy puppy whenever I make a sexual advance that she declines, and the mixed signals aren't helping any. I feel really stuck. What do I do?
 
I am in the same situation. I read up on killing my libido, and discovered there are health risks. I've been trying to let my sexual energy energize me in my hobbies. I figure this happens to all couples. There seems to be a good reason humanity constantly reminds itself to stay paired up. I don't think we do it naturally, but the consequences of not doing it can be disastrous.
 
Mick Travis said:
I am in the same situation. I read up on killing my libido, and discovered there are health risks. I've been trying to let my sexual energy energize me in my hobbies. I figure this happens to all couples. There seems to be a good reason humanity constantly reminds itself to stay paired up. I don't think we do it naturally, but the consequences of not doing it can be disastrous.

Good point. I try to keep that in mind every day. I do think that our sexual energy can be redirected to other avenues and released in useful non-sexual ways. However, I think it takes somewhat of a "re-wiring" process to achieve this. Having once been addicted to alcohol, I know a bit about how the re-wiring process works, and that it does work when effective cognitive tools are properly utilized. It's by no means easy to re-patch our brain's hard-wired circuits, but it can be done. My only concern is that if I do accomplish this, it might be quite a challenge to redirect that sexual energy to actual sex should my wife rediscover her sex drive down the road. There may well be a time when she wants it and I don't due to rewired thinking. I think that would be a tragedy as well.
 
Is she taking any meds or does she have a medical condition that could lower her sex drive? Have you maybe considered going to a therapist about the matter?

I mean, it seems like you're very understanding of it, but you don't understand it and it has to bother you at least a little or you likely wouldn't have posted this thread. It kind of sounds like she's holding something back, maybe a therapist could help bring that something out.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Is she taking any meds or does she have a medical condition that could lower her sex drive? Have you maybe considered going to a therapist about the matter?

I mean, it seems like you're very understanding of it, but you don't understand it and it has to bother you at least a little or you likely wouldn't have posted this thread. It kind of sounds like she's holding something back, maybe a therapist could help bring that something out.

I've suggested marriage counseling (sometimes very emphatically), but it doesn't seem like she wants to go that route. We both take antidepressant medication, which I know affects libido. I recently cut my dosage in half, as I tend to experience impotence at times. I think, however, that my impotence is tied more to an anxiety that I "have to" perform when an opportunity arises, for fear that I may not get another chance. The few times that we have gotten close to intercourse in the past couple of years, my thoughts have been more on being able to perform and please her than actually enjoying the experience itself. I've even been flat on a double-dose of Cialis. Go figure.

My wife has told me that sexual sensations "feel different" now. I'm struggling to understand exactly what that means, as I don't know if she even understands it herself. She doesn't say that what she feels is good or bad....just "different". She has been going through menopause off an on for the past couple of years, and I know that it can wreak havoc with a woman's hormonal balance, so that may have a lot to do with it as well. I don't know if she has discussed it with her OBGYN, and I don't really want to suggest it if she doesn't feel it's a priority for her. The last thing I want is for her to take action just because she thinks it's what I want. Sex has to be something we both truly want, otherwise it's pretty meaningless.
 
Pogo Poodle said:
I've suggested marriage counseling (sometimes very emphatically), but it doesn't seem like she wants to go that route. We both take antidepressant medication, which I know affects libido. I recently cut my dosage in half, as I tend to experience impotence at times. I think, however, that my impotence is tied more to an anxiety that I "have to" perform when an opportunity arises, for fear that I may not get another chance. The few times that we have gotten close to intercourse in the past couple of years, my thoughts have been more on being able to perform and please her than actually enjoying the experience itself. I've even been flat on a double-dose of Cialis. Go figure.

My wife has told me that sexual sensations "feel different" now. I'm struggling to understand exactly what that means, as I don't know if she even understands it herself. She doesn't say that what she feels is good or bad....just "different". She has been going through menopause off an on for the past couple of years, and I know that it can wreak havoc with a woman's hormonal balance, so that may have a lot to do with it as well. I don't know if she has discussed it with her OBGYN, and I don't really want to suggest it if she doesn't feel it's a priority for her. The last thing I want is for her to take action just because she thinks it's what I want. Sex has to be something we both truly want, otherwise it's pretty meaningless.

I think you should definitely ask her more questions and politely bringing up the gyno. Nothing pushy, of course, but since it doesn't like she's said much about it, you can't know if it's a priority for her or not. She could feel ashamed or embarrassed about it.

You can't know unless you ask.
 
Since we've already discussed it at some length, I hesitate pushing her too much further. She seemed rather upset that I had discussed my own sexual issues (mainly the impotence) with my doctor, saying that I should have discussed it with her first, and perhaps she's right. However, she still seems rather elusive about the importance of a sexual relationship to her. She has said things like "our relationship has become so much more than [sex]". Really, I don't know what that means, or if it's her way of dropping a subtle hint. She has also said that she'd rather I stay on my antidepressant, because happiness and stable moods are more important than being able to "get it up". Another time, she said that I would need to meet other benchmarks of non-sexual intimacy in our relationship before sexual intimacy can occur, and I have been working hard toward those things. Honestly, I've tried to get a straight answer, but she always seems to drive around it. Seems the best answer I can get from her is "maybe someday". Meanwhile, I need to focus on how I can channel these feelings today.
 
I'm pretty sure my situation coincided with the moment my girlfriend stopped talking about having another baby, and started lamenting that she is too old to have another baby.
 
Mick Travis said:
I'm pretty sure my situation coincided with the moment my girlfriend stopped talking about having another baby, and started lamenting that she is too old to have another baby.

Well, the primary purpose of the sex drive IS procreation after all. There comes a point in a woman's life when reproductive ability ends and the drive responds accordingly. We men, on the other hand, can produce sperm until we die. Kinda puts us at a disadvantage.
 
There seems to be something going on for sure. It could anything from meds to personal issue. Sounds like you really like to sit down and talk about things and she avoids the whole conversation. That is a clear indication something is up. Your options is either to live with it or continue to work with her to go see someone to talk to. One thing you didn't mention which may be the key here. Prior to two years how were things? If all of the sudden something changes there is a reason for it. Unless gradually and very slowly they did then that's another story.
 

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