Self-initiated destruction?

Hey everyone!

So i want to clear up a few things up right off the bat - english is not my first language so i apologize in advance if some of my statements don't make sense or my choice of words seems to be out of place. Most likely this story will be quite long and convoluted because of my lack of skill to explain or tell a cohesive story!

I want to start off with the thing that ruined me in the first place - love, relationships and all that nonsense. Around the 8th grade i really fell for this one girl in my class, i was basically obsessed. I take relationships very seriously and when i have a certain someone on my mind - i am devoted to that person. Anyway, this girl was sort of leading me on that we might work this out and be together, etc, but she never seemed that into it and when she met my cousin - it all completely fell apart. She totally got obsessed with him and forgot about my existence. The worst thing about all of this is that my cousin knew she was special to me, yet he caried out this misdeed and went out with her anyway. I was devastated and threw the idea of love out the window.
Later on i got into multiplayer computer games and played them alot. I had a blast and from there i got into Information Techonologies. I was fascinated with all the behind the scenes work that was put in to make all of the servers running. I dedicated alot of time to it - learning basic web programming, website setup, linux, etc. After middle school i started attending this tech school, its like a high school with professions. During my first year everything was going great, i was so fascinated by everything. After school i sometimes would go to my old school, because i really loved my friends who were still back there. This one time i was standing around and talking to this one girl. She had to go home and asked me to walk her home. (i knew she liked me years back but i thought those times had past) As we walked we would chat about the 'old days' and when we said our goodbyes she hugged me and gave this really long glance and i i fell for her... At first i didn't even consider trying to get her but she seemed really into me and her cousin really encoureged me. So around this time school had just ended and we would text alot and hang out occasionally but i had serious doubts about all of it. I started to neglect her, the feelings of betrayal from the other girl started to haunt me and i became really distant. One night she texted "why are you acting so strange in the last couple of days" and i just texted her that im not sure about this dating thing quite yet and she just instantly texted "ok, fine." and i knew that i really messed up by telling her that via a f*ck*ng text message.
After that i just tried to focuse on my goals and ambitions. So, it's the second year and the tech school had begun and i was feeling quite fine. School stuff seem to go quite ok, there was no drama with family or friends - what could go wrong from here? Well... two things simultanesly :

1) every single day regreted my actions more and more when it came to that girl because i realised that i really did care for her;
2) everything - my hobbies, schoolwork, favorite movies, tv shows became less and less exiting

by the end of the year i was so shallow and boring i couldn't even carry out a decent conversation. I never stopped thinking about that girl (im just gonna call her Sarah from now on in this thread). She was now away with her sister and she would occasionaly visit her relatives at the village where i live nearby. I tried to reach out to her and one night i told her everything - my regret for my immature way of handling that situation and how i still cared for her. Sarah told me that nothing had changed and that everything was still possible and sadly that was not the case at all. She didn't really seem that into me anymore, she didn't really care if i came to visit her or texted her. During that summer there was a big festival in the city nearby and i didn't know about it. We were suppose to meet up that day and when me, Sarah and her cousin got together she suggested we attend. Along the way some other people joined us and she said she would meet up with some of her friends and would catch up later on. So Sarah got together with her friends at the bus stop and the rest of our gang went to the super market to by some drinks. When we came back they were all gone. This around 11pm so it was pretty dark outside and there were alot of people around, loud music everywhere. I hung out with other guys all evening, watched some fireworks and then of my friends called me and said he spotted her by the big tent where some group was performing. We went over there and i saw her with some guys and her girls. When they walked by she asked me if was okay, probably because of my facial expression. I just felt like utter garbage. They walked of the dark alley and i just wanted to leave. When i got home i just sat at the porch for a few hours, glanced at the full moon and listened to the music in the distance from the festival. I felt a heavy drag inside me. I thought after i would get some goodnight sleep everything would be ok and i would feel fine. When i woke up i instantly felt that heavy oppressing feeling and it wouldn't go away.
Over the course of the third year it got worse and worse, at times it would fade away. But my love for my hobbies and school work never came back. I feel so lost and alone in all of this. I feel so disconnected from everyone, i try to hang out with some of my old friends but i don't feel myself enjoying their company or everyone elses'. So my last year is around the corner and i feel like a empty shell. I don't care for anything, i don't have a purpose, everything seems so pointless. What could i do? Has anyone here gotten out of this cynical and pointless mindset? It has been over a year now and i feel like it is never going to end.

Probably alot of you will be annoyed by the length of this post. I'm sorry the post turned out so long but i had to get this off my chest. I hope someone will find the time to read this messy story.

I'm not sure, but I guess all this mess is because of that girl that got away? Or am I missing something?

It sounds to me like you've fallen into the trap that a lot of guys do of putting too much value into one girl, in this case the first one, and it's kind of poisoned everything for you since then, i.e interests and your shot with the second girl. Maybe try to avoid doing this too quickly in the future.

If it helps, I know exactly what you're talking about with that heavy oppressive feeling. I feel like I'm FINALLY in the process of getting rid of mine after a long, long time of having it and what is finally doing the trick is me just focusing on building myself into the man I want to be and not dwelling on girls.

Nicholas - I guess the first girl made me become too unsure and hesitant.
Paraiyar - how much time did it take for you? I know it's different for everyone. For some its just months ( not the case for me, unfortunately).