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Naizo

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I'm simply dangling until the breaths stop flowing.
 
You're in a pretty dark place aren't you Naizo? I hope you can envision a better place for yourself and that it can seem real to get there.

Please don't harm yourself in a way that you can't come back from. Dwell on the dark shadows for awhile if you need to, but please don't choose to descend past a point of no return.
 
Life is like a box of chocolates... and I keep ending up with those horrible coconut pieces.

Life and love are sports... and I am a professional bench warmer.
 
Life is like attempting to panel a wall with opposing angles in all directions it seems overwhelming until you get around to applying simple logic ( and have formed a sizable pile of now unusable panels in the process) : )
 
Naizo said:
I'm simply dangling until the breaths stop flowing.

If it's a very deep hole your in ? you may need medical help to get it of it...severe depression is not that willing to resolve itself and you may need medication to give you a head start...In the event you are already taking medication it maybe isn't the right one for you....I've come to the conclusion that if you don't respond positively at least to some degree to a particular medication it's pretty fruitless upping the dosage if it's a medication that has proved to be helpful but at a particular time it seems less so.... it is of help to increase the dose until you feel confident enough to reduce it back down VERY SLOWLY...our brains are not static it seems reasonable to allow for variations.
 
I've felt sickened by the culture and world I live in. There's no good shows on television, there's no good reason to go outside, nothing interests me and everything feels so dull and pointless. In the off chance that I find ONE thing that I ******* enjoy that takes my mind to better places it NEVER fails to backfire. Karma is a ******* lie that losers tell themselves to make them feel better but inevitably you realize that your lucky break is never going to ******* come. I'm not just depressed I'm ******* angry. I'm two steps from punching a child in the ******* face for smarting off to me because that's just how far I've been pushed. By this life, by everyone in this ******* existance. I'm tired of it. Every single ******* person can fresia off and die and I'll be fine. Whether it's me that leaves or everyone else, but PEOPLE are honeysuckle.
 
People will tell you to move, to find somewhere new and to start over. That's such ******* bullshit. Who has the money for that? You? Will you give it to me? No? I work, I don't just ask for hand outs. But where does my ******* money go? To bills. Bills that aren't even mine. This isn't even my ******* house and that's not my ******* car but I'm paying for them. You can't run, you can't get the fresia away. And even if you could, it's the same no matter where you go. If having an internet forum for loneliness and depression didn't show you all, this honeysuckle happens all across the ******* globe. People get treated like honeysuckle for so long and so badly that they start to think nothing could be worse, nothing could be worse, they think about killing themselves, they think about blowing their ******* heads off or jumping off a bridge. Why? Because nobody else gives a honeysuckle as long as they're able to survive. I tell myself every day to keep going because no matter what I do I'll still die one day. That's not a very ******* positive view of life but guess what? It's the ******* truth. There's zero need to self harm to the point that you die. Because you'll die one day regardless. But some people have to deal with such ******* bullshit that they don't even WANT that time between now and then. They want to skip it. And I don't ******* blame them. Because have you ever woke up and looked out the window and felt nothing but utter disgust? At the wind. At the smell in the air.

Music is garbage. Television is Garbage. Video Games are Garbage. PEOPLE are GARBAGE. There's nothing worth being alive in this decade. Nothing. It's the age of self importance and ******* around on eachother. If you can't beat them, join them, and if they don't want you to join them, leave. That's what life is, now-a-days. And it's ******* pathetic. It's a pathetic excuse for sentience, to be able to comprehend how disgusting this life is.
 
I'm not going to give you any Pollyanna platitudes. I've been in a similar space as you're talking about and I'm still in this world. Even if finding meaning in a seemingly meaningless world evades me, I am simply not going to surrender and let the honeysuckle factor win. Think of living on earth as an adversary relationship with the badness in it and don't surrender to it....if you can't find the light, at least do not contribute to the darkness....defy the honeysuckle and just endure, giving the finger to the disgustingness and keep on living until your natural time to exit comes. No surrender!
 
Money is always a problem, you're not alone there. I don't think that a change of scenario is the cure-all for the situation you're in either. Misery can be found everywhere, that's true, but that doesn't mean every single **** thing is riddled with it. Rant away though, it's fair to get that purged from your system before you gain some perspective. If you can find misery across the globe, you can find the good stuff (and people) too. Finding people who genuinely give a honeysuckle is tough, but certainly not impossible. I don't blame anyone for giving up. Honestly though, I did spend a lot of time looking at the world and people through a lens of contempt and it's just bloody exhausting after a while.

Naizo said:
Music is garbage. Television is Garbage. Video Games are Garbage. PEOPLE are GARBAGE. There's nothing worth being alive in this decade. Nothing. It's the age of self importance and ******* around on eachother. If you can't beat them, join them, and if they don't want you to join them, leave. That's what life is, now-a-days. And it's ******* pathetic. It's a pathetic excuse for sentience, to be able to comprehend how disgusting this life is.

Matter of perspective to me. I could spend hours gazing at the garbage, but I'd rather laugh it off and dig deeper until I hit the motherlode of what is proper music, proper entertainment and even proper people with proper ideas. I'm fully aware that what's proper is purely subjective. But ******* hell, nothing is all full-on black or white after all. Divisiveness and "othering" has existed long before this decade, but it's all much more present and in-your-face these days. Yet it's way too easy to get comfortable in a "everybody/-thing sucks" mindset. I've already been there 5-6 years ago. No interest in going there again.

constant stranger said:
...if you can't find the light, at least do not contribute to the darkness....defy the honeysuckle and just endure, giving the finger to the disgustingness and keep on living until your natural time to exit comes. No surrender!

I'd like to echo that sentiment, it's a big part of my philosophy as well. Sometimes when there's no light to find, you'll have to turn into your own blazing torch.
 
sorry, but...this sprung to mind while reading that.
 

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Looking back at these old posts I made... I miss everything about that time in my life EXCEPT for the depression. It was such a point in time where I went out and did anything I could to get my mind off of stuff. Geez... It's so strange how much difference a little time makes. I hope those that feel like they are in a dark place now are able to look back in a year or two and remember the good things they're overlooking now. Hold onto every moment.
 
I was just thinking about that while I was reading Susannah's Song. (Stephen King)

The one thing every plant and animal on this Earth has in common is that we all eventually die. And I don't mean that in a dark way. But it is the truth and so then why are we so afraid to take chances when we know one day we won't have them anymore! Life is full of so much philosophy but I think my favorite way to see it all is just that, life isn't permanent. You only get so many chances. So take them.

I'm not a religious person so when I think of death I think of, literally not existing as a conscious anymore. Who you are no longer resides in what is essentially your body. You are the thoughts your brain has, not your shell. Who someone is truly resides on the inside. I think a lot of people have trouble finding love and happiness, maybe because they think of themselves as the one they see when they look in the mirror. Not the one processing what those eyes are seeing. That's not to say that attraction doesn't factor into love, it does, but there's also this person that has no physical form whatsoever constantly thinking, processing, judging, seeing, inside that head on their shoulders. Someone completely separate from what you can see with your own eyes. I think, if anything, that is what a soul is. Yes, it's just chemicals. But it exists. It is who you (generalized) are, your true being.
 
All that being said, I highly doubt that i'm going to make it to a death of natural causes
 
The population is both massively delusional and psychopathic ; all 196 or whatever number of nations there are on earth are all highly authoritarian and suggestions like moving somewhere else, trying a better diet or the hundreds of others are just false Zombie-Aphorisms. A term for that is Zombie Aphorisms. Those things dont change being forced into isolation and dont change the fact that no psychiatric medications available help a serious endogenous neurochemical depression, as if situational problems and forced-isolation werent bad enough. I myself tried around 35 medications with a dozen doctors since 1996 and was never helped, only suffering since birth. I would say opioids help minimally and any other medication worsens or has no impact. Theres no such thing as allowed or new treatments for that system of the brain though.

Im astounded by how psychopathic and delusional the population is
 

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