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Woman said she didn't find me handsome
#21
(11-21-2016, 06:01 PM)Somnambulist Wrote: [...] For reasons that are far too complex and numerous to enumerate, yet obvious when you think about it, nothing anyone says can be an absolute truth. How can it be, when all anyone's words are is their interpretation of reality ? [...]

This. Also, I heard it said somewhere that "Ideas can be revised".
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#22
(11-21-2016, 06:01 PM)Somnambulist Wrote: Restless, I glanced at several of your threads, to see if I could detect patterns, because it seems like there is a recurring pattern of thinking that you are falling victim to, and a deeper problem that needs to be addressed. I'm not just going to tell you what you want to hear ... be certain of that, because that would constitute a colossal waste of time.

Asking a question - I think that, unfortunately, the only effective way to ensure that you don't get answers you don't like, is to ... not ask a question ... and even then, you may still get unsolicited answers. Or, you could lock yourself up in a remote cabin in Maine. But unfortunately, at some point, you'll have to go to a grocery store where you will likely see another ... person ! He/she might have some wonderful remark in store for you that could foil your best laid plan and devastate your mood. I think you see where I'm going with this. By being a part of this world, we are, for better or for worse, making ourselves completely vulnerable to interaction with other people ... whether on Craigslist, or at Starbucks, or on the street. Harsh reality. Not intending to sound like a broken record, I insist on quoting Eckhart Tolle ... "It is insane to resist what is and cannot be otherwise." If you don't want an answer, don't ask a question.

Control - Let's make the reasonable assumption that you do intend to make yourself vulnerable by interacting with others. Now, you have absolute and complete control over what you say to /ask others. After that point, see that you are now completely at the mercy of what others have to say. It's as if you have hit a tennis ball to the other side, and are waiting for the opponent to hit it back. You can't control what the other person is going to say or why ... absolutely not. You can expect people not to be "rude" or "inconsiderate" or provide "constructive criticism", but you can't control  their minds or mouths ... first off, because that's just the way it fucking is. But, moreover, do you realize what a boring place this Earth would be if you could control what the other person says ? Would you even want that kind of predictability ? If you did, why don't you just email yourself saying, "Dude, Restless, you are fucking hot. I would do you in a New York minute." ? You are free to ask whatever you want, others are free to respond in any way they want, and then, you are free to interpret the response any way you want. So, ask yourself - what is it you have control over, and then focus on that.

Tomorrow, if someone you don't find attractive asks for your opinion, you can be very polite to her ... that's in your control. As an aside, if you don't find yourself attractive or fit, take steps to bring about the change you want (exercise, clothing, whatever). Again, that's something you can control.

Taking advice with a grain of salt - For reasons that are far too complex and numerous to enumerate, yet obvious when you think about it, nothing anyone says can be an absolute truth. How can it be, when all anyone's words are is their interpretation of reality ? Sometimes, there may be something (or a lot) useful to be gained from what is said, but it is never going to be an absolute truth ... you could think of it as a small piece of data that you can either completely trash or extract something useful from. And, often, the partial truth to be gained is hidden under layer(s) of complexity. You might have to read between the words/lines to extract something from it.  Don't immediately dismiss it ... there may be a nugget of Gold hiding below the rock Wink

Example - Someone says, "You look scary. Why aren't you smiling ?". Now, at first, that pisses you off, but once you put emotions aside and assess that statement, you might conclude that "People tend to prefer pictures with smiles." ... now, that may be useful to you in your dating pursuits, because you may have just found a way to attract more women. So, part of what was said was trash ... "You look scary." ... nothing more than an interpretation/opinion. But, you got something useful out of it ... as a result of that comment, you have now uploaded a new picture with a dazzling smile and you're dating half the women in NYC. Take all advice with a grain of salt, including this post of mine Big Grin

Want change ? Take steps - Reiterating two points already mentioned above ... 1 - If you don't like the way you look, see if you can change yourself. 2 - If you want better dating results, take feedback (esp. feedback that pisses you off), extract the useful information from it, and implement the changes. More generally, ask yourself what you would like to change in your life and do something to bring those changes about. The Einstein quote - "Insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results"

Forum vs real life - It's fine that you are posting updates here on what's going on with you ... it's nice to have a community that will, at least, listen to you, and it's nice to vent frustrations. But, don't count on it giving you a magical answer or solution to your problems. I'm sure you know in your bones that the real changes in your life are going to come from the work you (and I, and everyone else) do on yourself. Look within yourself, explore what is bothering you, ask yourself what really matters to you in life, and focus on those things. I'm not saying, "Just be positive and everything will come to you." ... that BS doesn't belong in any of my posts. Find out, given your strengths and weaknesses, your priorities, and your constraints (money, time, etc), what is it that you can do to bring about the change you wish to see.

You're a good egg, Restless Smile
Whoooaa. How did I miss this. I appreciate the time you took for that very thought out and insightful reply. I missed it because i dont get notified for every posting and I just try to be as active as possibe with my threads. But thanks. And why have I not seen you around latley??
Reply
#23
(11-19-2016, 01:35 AM)Restless soul Wrote:
(11-19-2016, 12:34 AM)Kianda Wrote:
(08-28-2016, 01:17 AM)Restless soul Wrote: "she kinda came out and said she didnt think I was handsome. Which is odd.
Becuse A. Why would you say that to someone you are planning on meeting?"

Because not handsome does not mean unattractive (in my opinion). 

However, she (and her friend) have criticised your appearance, which has understandably upset you and made you feel anxious about meeting her. 

Perhaps you fear that if you were to meet she would be even more critical of you? 

She made you feel uncomfortable about yourself, and because of this I would not invest emotionally into this girl at this stage.

Thanks for reminding me of this, great way to start the day. 
But I feel I should reply if I am active here. So like my last thread, rude cl reply. And others. It comes as nno surprise I have self-esteem issues. Poor self image. So whether this person had trouble expressing herself. Or was just being honest. Or being an idiot. Once someone says something that cuts me deep. Why woukd I meet?  QQuite obvious

Here is something I recently read.  We are nothing but good genes and bad genes...good habits and bad habits...shyness...low self confidence..low self esteem...are NOT genes....there for they are bad habits.  And what can we do with bad habits?
I will not suffer.......
"The only way to get through hell....is to keep moving."
Reply
#24
(11-22-2016, 01:45 AM)Restless soul Wrote:
(11-21-2016, 06:01 PM)Somnambulist Wrote: Restless, I glanced at several of your threads, to see if I could detect patterns, because it seems like there is a recurring pattern of thinking that you are falling victim to, and a deeper problem that needs to be addressed. I'm not just going to tell you what you want to hear ... be certain of that, because that would constitute a colossal waste of time.

Asking a question - I think that, unfortunately, the only effective way to ensure that you don't get answers you don't like, is to ... not ask a question ... and even then, you may still get unsolicited answers. Or, you could lock yourself up in a remote cabin in Maine. But unfortunately, at some point, you'll have to go to a grocery store where you will likely see another ... person ! He/she might have some wonderful remark in store for you that could foil your best laid plan and devastate your mood. I think you see where I'm going with this. By being a part of this world, we are, for better or for worse, making ourselves completely vulnerable to interaction with other people ... whether on Craigslist, or at Starbucks, or on the street. Harsh reality. Not intending to sound like a broken record, I insist on quoting Eckhart Tolle ... "It is insane to resist what is and cannot be otherwise." If you don't want an answer, don't ask a question.

Control - Let's make the reasonable assumption that you do intend to make yourself vulnerable by interacting with others. Now, you have absolute and complete control over what you say to /ask others. After that point, see that you are now completely at the mercy of what others have to say. It's as if you have hit a tennis ball to the other side, and are waiting for the opponent to hit it back. You can't control what the other person is going to say or why ... absolutely not. You can expect people not to be "rude" or "inconsiderate" or provide "constructive criticism", but you can't control  their minds or mouths ... first off, because that's just the way it fucking is. But, moreover, do you realize what a boring place this Earth would be if you could control what the other person says ? Would you even want that kind of predictability ? If you did, why don't you just email yourself saying, "Dude, Restless, you are fucking hot. I would do you in a New York minute." ? You are free to ask whatever you want, others are free to respond in any way they want, and then, you are free to interpret the response any way you want. So, ask yourself - what is it you have control over, and then focus on that.

Tomorrow, if someone you don't find attractive asks for your opinion, you can be very polite to her ... that's in your control. As an aside, if you don't find yourself attractive or fit, take steps to bring about the change you want (exercise, clothing, whatever). Again, that's something you can control.

Taking advice with a grain of salt - For reasons that are far too complex and numerous to enumerate, yet obvious when you think about it, nothing anyone says can be an absolute truth. How can it be, when all anyone's words are is their interpretation of reality ? Sometimes, there may be something (or a lot) useful to be gained from what is said, but it is never going to be an absolute truth ... you could think of it as a small piece of data that you can either completely trash or extract something useful from. And, often, the partial truth to be gained is hidden under layer(s) of complexity. You might have to read between the words/lines to extract something from it.  Don't immediately dismiss it ... there may be a nugget of Gold hiding below the rock Wink

Example - Someone says, "You look scary. Why aren't you smiling ?". Now, at first, that pisses you off, but once you put emotions aside and assess that statement, you might conclude that "People tend to prefer pictures with smiles." ... now, that may be useful to you in your dating pursuits, because you may have just found a way to attract more women. So, part of what was said was trash ... "You look scary." ... nothing more than an interpretation/opinion. But, you got something useful out of it ... as a result of that comment, you have now uploaded a new picture with a dazzling smile and you're dating half the women in NYC. Take all advice with a grain of salt, including this post of mine Big Grin

Want change ? Take steps - Reiterating two points already mentioned above ... 1 - If you don't like the way you look, see if you can change yourself. 2 - If you want better dating results, take feedback (esp. feedback that pisses you off), extract the useful information from it, and implement the changes. More generally, ask yourself what you would like to change in your life and do something to bring those changes about. The Einstein quote - "Insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results"

Forum vs real life - It's fine that you are posting updates here on what's going on with you ... it's nice to have a community that will, at least, listen to you, and it's nice to vent frustrations. But, don't count on it giving you a magical answer or solution to your problems. I'm sure you know in your bones that the real changes in your life are going to come from the work you (and I, and everyone else) do on yourself. Look within yourself, explore what is bothering you, ask yourself what really matters to you in life, and focus on those things. I'm not saying, "Just be positive and everything will come to you." ... that BS doesn't belong in any of my posts. Find out, given your strengths and weaknesses, your priorities, and your constraints (money, time, etc), what is it that you can do to bring about the change you wish to see.

You're a good egg, Restless Smile
Whoooaa. How did I miss this. I appreciate the time you took for that very thought out and insightful reply. I missed it because i dont get notified for every posting and I just try to be as active as possibe with my threads. But thanks. And why have I not seen you around latley??

Whoaa is right!!
This is DEAD ON...Want change ? Take steps - Reiterating two points already mentioned above ... 1 - If you don't like the way you look, see if you can change yourself. 

gospel right here folks!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will not suffer.......
"The only way to get through hell....is to keep moving."
Reply
#25
Yes, you are right when you say I can't shelter myself from society and become so delicate where I can't face anyone that is what I am straggling with. It's like a bi -polar thing. I can be fine, even confident with my looks how I feel. But the second someone makes a comment. " you look like this guy I know" or " you look scary" my question som, is how not to let it bother me. I can't seem to not let it. Just takes over
Reply
#26
There are no UGLY people...ONLY LAZY ONES!!!
I will not suffer.......
"The only way to get through hell....is to keep moving."
Reply
#27
The best example of would be someone with acne scars lets say. Or something that affects thier general aoperance. What if it cripples their self-esteem so much when they see someone else with acne? Or someone else with perfect skin because they wish they havent suffered. That is the degree of pain I feel to what you might think is a benign comment
Reply
#28
(11-22-2016, 01:56 AM)Restless soul Wrote: The best example of would be someone with acne scars lets say. Or something that affects thier general aoperance. What if it cripples their self-esteem so much when they see someone else with acne? Or someone else with perfect skin because they wish they havent suffered.  That is the degree of pain I feel to what you might think is a benign comment
But isn't this constant preoccupation with your appearance possibly damaging to those who actually do have real difficulties to deal with, it seems in some ways quite selfish of you to not take into consideration that others who view this forum, this thread may have real challanges in this regard, what about their sensitivities, what about thier self esteem ? or is that of no significance to you ?
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#29
(11-22-2016, 06:42 AM)sothatwasmylife Wrote:
(11-22-2016, 01:56 AM)Restless soul Wrote: The best example of would be someone with acne scars lets say. Or something that affects thier general aoperance. What if it cripples their self-esteem so much when they see someone else with acne? Or someone else with perfect skin because they wish they havent suffered.  That is the degree of pain I feel to what you might think is a benign comment
But isn't this constant preoccupation with your appearance possibly damaging to those who actually do have real difficulties to deal with, it seems in some ways quite selfish of you to not take into consideration that others who view this forum, this thread may have real challanges in this regard, what about their sensitivities, what about thier self esteem ? or is that of no significance to you ?
Excuse me. Isn't apperance a root cause with self-esteem?
Who said it's not a real issue? Maybe I have some of the examples I used above
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#30
Could be many here can relate. I think my posts and the replies can be informative and helpful. Not sure why you take issue
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