(11-22-2016, 01:52 AM)Restless soul Wrote: Yes, you are right when you say I can't shelter myself from society and become so delicate where I can't face anyone that is what I am straggling with. It's like a bi -polar thing. I can be fine, even confident with my looks how I feel. But the second someone makes a comment. " you look like this guy I know" or " you look scary" my question som, is how not to let it bother me. I can't seem to not let it. Just takes over
Yes, I understand the taking over. That's the brain. There are certain parts of our brain responsible for those reactions (Google "Amygdala"). So, I'm not saying it's easy. It's not a snap out of it kinda thing. I realize that. But, hopefully, the realization can occur over time.
I can't convince you of the following. I'm just going to say it, and then it's up to you to realize it for yourself, if/when you're ready for it.
- Mindfulness has been compared to watching leaves passing by on a stream of water. Like that, you can watch your thoughts passing through your mind.
Let me ask you a fundamental question - What in your life is permanent ? What stays with you from birth to death ? One thing - you. And your job, your youth, your friends, your spouse, your house ? They come and go; they are transient and fleeting. You can argue till you're blue; but this is a fact.
All the people you meet, all those remarks they make about your looks, everything ... are like leaves flowing downstream through your life. You can choose whether you hold on to them or just let go of them and watch as they pass through.
I think what I'm trying to convey is ... what is most important is what is lasting; everything else is secondary. Your inner state is what is most important to you ... how you view yourself, how you treat yourself. Everything in the outside world is secondary, including potential dates on Craigslist and the remarks they make, because they will come and go, but you will remain.
- The brain is like a gland that constantly secretes thoughts. Scientists approximate about 98% of thoughts to be repetitive and ultimately useless. Try to remember the last time you were driving along the highway, and you suddenly remembered something random, like the neighbor playing loud music and it bugging the shit out of you, and then you encounter a thought stream like the following ...
Why was the neighbor playing loud music at 1 am ? -> The building should enforce "quiet time" rules -> If that happens again, I'm going to complain to the manager -> Oh wait, I've already done that -> I should move out of the building -> Oh crap, I don't have the money to move anywhere else right now -> What the F ? Why am I thinking about this right now ?
Have you ever caught yourself in such a useless loop of thoughts that you thought the previous day or everyday for the past 5 years ? And, what value do those thoughts provide ? They just come and go ... most often without serving any useful purpose.
Now, imagine that the person doing this useless thinking is the person who has just told you that you look scary. Why do you need to take it to heart ? It is just an outward manifestation of a thought in her brain. What value does someone's interpretation of reality have ? Why does it need to have power over you ? For that matter, why does anything anyone says need to have power over you ?
- Or, let me put it a different way. What gives that person authority over you ? Authority to say you're not handsome, authority to make you feel bad, authority to judge you ? Have you heard the saying "You are what you think you are." ? It means that people assume roles
all the time. Because these roles are not real, they are assumed. In the case of the Craigslist woman, she assumed the role of someone who gets to judge your looks. You assumed the role of the person being judged. It's almost like a fucking fantasy or drama that you two were playing out ! It's just a matter of perspective.
You could be the one saying she looks too old for you or not fit enough or whatever. All that requires is a shift in perspective, a reversal of roles. You become the critic, and she, the object of criticism.
In the end, none of that means much, it is like a blip in time, it is a tiny event in the cosmic dance of phenomena, it is a drop in the ocean of your existence, it comes and goes, but you stay. Consider the feedback. If you feel a change is required (smile), implement it and move on to the next person.
So, see if you can fall out of that role of the person being judged; then, it doesn't matter what anyone else says because you're not playing the role they want you to play.
Holding on or letting go
- In the case of the Cragslist woman, you didn't like the interaction, you let go, and you watch the leaf flow away downstream. You choose to let go ... you do have that control.
On the other hand, when you have a positive interaction with someone, you meet someone you fall in love with, you may choose that you want to hold on to this person, this interaction, which is great ! You choose to hold on ! (till you have to let go at some later point)