Back here after six years...

I remember how I felt the first time I posted to this site. I was young, confused, and feeling very desperate for some empathy.
This time, I don't expect anything. I guess this is going to be an introspection of what I've earned in the last six years.

I've matured a lot since 2010. I've come to accept that there is no easy fix for having grown up with no real stability or support system. Now that doesn't mean that I feel like my life is a lost cause, but it does mean that I have to realize there are pieces missing in my life that put me at a disadvantage compared to those who grew up in a stable, supportive environment. For example, at the age of 29, I have the social life experience and dating experience of someone roughly yen years younger. I also have a very hard time trusting people, which tends to squash a lot of opportunities to build relationships. People pick up on that kind of neurotic thinking.

On a lighter note, I've also learned that despite everything that has happened to me and the mistakes I've made in the past, I'm really not a bad guy. I no longer believe that I don't deserve to have relationships with people. That kind of thinking is a real destroyer. That being said, I'm still very guarded. I don't go out looking for friends or girlfriends. I'm more focused on doing things that make me happy, whether I can share those moments or not.

I've learned that keeping some form of motivation in my life is key to achieving balance. I spent a good couple of years without any sort of goals or direction. I worked when I could find work, which was very hard back in the day with the economy the way it was. Other than that I sat on my ass and fumed. Not good.

These days I try to stay as busy as possible. I started a new career in the trades a couple of years ago which I enjoy. I still don't have my own place yet but not living with Mom has helped out a lot in keeping me on my toes. I also practice martial arts and make time for hobbies I enjoy like video games and spending time in nature. Goals are super important to me now. I started a personal kanban board for New Years which keeps me focused on achieving the things I want in life. Projects that had sat unfinished for years are getting done. Having a visual reminder of my goals and viewing it daily has helped me value my time a lot more than I used to. I can't stand Dr. Phil but one thing he said is very true, "The only difference between a dream and a goal is a timeline."

I've also learned that a little bit of kindness goes a long way. It's best to follow the Golden Rule when meeting anyone for the first time, that way the ball is in their court and I don't have to endure that terrible mental loop of, "Oh God, what did I do to make them treat me like that?" To put it simply, a lot of people are just dicks. I still have an angry streak but its' mellowed with age and the realization that life doesn't stop just because I'm having a bad time. Letting go of things is easier now. It's important to look at things objectively and learn from my mistakes.

Perhaps most importantly, I've learned the value of standing up for myself. Ironically that came after an extremely abusive employment experience which left me unemployed for eight months and super depressed. It was a hard way to learn that lesson, but it was critical and life changing for me. Never again will I put up with continued disrespect from others for any reason. It's better to stand up for myself and face the consequences than swallow all those emotions and abuse and take it out on myself and the few people I have around me later. Even if those consequences mean I have to suffer a little bit, at least I'm suffering due to my actions and not those of someone else. Don't ever stuff your emotions. It inevitably leads towards a lot of avoidable anguish. Let it out, scream it out if you have to, just don't let it bottle up.

Karma is real. It doesn't happen overnight, but I truly believe that what goes around, eventually comes around. People do indeed tend to get what they deserve in the end. In the last few years I've received messages from several people who had wronged me in the past, wanting me to take them back because they realized I was a good friend after all. I never responded to most of them however. They learned their lessons (hopefully) but I can't have people around me now who brought so much negativity into my life. I really just don't have the time.

When I feel lonely these days, I try to determine what exactly triggered that feeling. Sometimes when I'm out and see couples and groups of friends I still get a little jealous but then I remind myself that we all walk different paths and comparing myself to others is really just a waste of time. Not to repeat myself but you can't fix the past. I work hard on shifting my thoughts back to the goals I've set and how I can build a better future for myself. I still have bad days no doubt, and some days I just want to curl into a ball and hide. But again, all I'm doing on those days is wasting my own time.

I have a couple of local friends now. We met through work a few years back and bonded over video games and beer. We're not especially close but it's good to have people to just talk and decompress with. I stay in touch with some old friends out west but I try to limit that since geography and the passage of time means we simply can't be as close as we once were.

With exercise and increased confidence I've been getting more attention from the ladies which is nice, but honestly I haven't been on a date in over two years. A lot of the reason for that has been I've been busy working on myself and haven't wanted distractions, but going back to lack of experience, I still am skittish around women, even when they initiate conversation. I think it's going to be one of those things that I just have to force myself to keep plugging away at until I can form new thought patterns and habits. Basically I need to allow myself to make those mistakes until I find out what works and what doesn't. I need to get a move on with that too, I'm not getting any younger.

I should wrap this up. I guess overall it's important to remember in the grand scheme of things, none of us really matter all that much so it's of no use to focus on bad things that have happened. Some day, each and every one of us and everyone we've ever known is going to die. When I die, if I'm lucky enough to have left behind loved ones, I want them to remember me as someone who cared enough to stay as focused and positive as possible. I'd want to be remembered as someone who loved himself and fought for what he wanted in life. In my opinion that's the best legacy anybody could hope for.

It's good that you have settled and are now more comfortable with your situation.
Also, I'm impressed that you remember your pass and username after six years of absence.

You've really expressed yourself clearly and I'm glad you're here.

What you said about not being on a date for two years, largely because you're working on yourself and haven't wanted distractions.....(Hopefully without hijacking the thread), I'd be interested in hearing peoples' thoughts on whether one should get mentally and socially healthy before pursuing a relationship, or should one pursue a relationship expecting the relationship will help one get mentally and socially healthy?

Just skimming through most of your post, I wanted to say it's really nice to finally see someone that, well basically I dunno but the "I don't feel that life is a lost cause". It's not very common now a days to see someone that doesn't think it's the end of the world so soon.

I have paranoia, depression, anxiety and a small case of PTSD. I understand the lost opportunities when it comes to not trusting people. But you need to realize, a lot more things than you think at first, are leaps of faith. I'm slowly starting to, not make my trust so easy to obtain, but to still give people respect and treat them quite well as something of a friend. Even if they aren't close, you need to make that leap of faith, because then it's proof to everyone and yourself, that you DO have a bridge that leads to your heart. (Dear god I swear i'm going to leave this website because of how dumb my posts sound).

Duuuuude the economy sucks at the moment. I'm trying to find a small part time job with somewhat flexible hours, not even mcdonalds will accept me. Bunch'a ******* over der.

Oh hey which martial arts do you do? I only know a few but I really want to learn older ones in the future.

lol@drphil

One thing, although I don't have much faith in the messages I post, that I want people to read and take seriously - is that you shouldn't just stand up for yourself to not bottle feelings up. Never mind I'm ruining it already. Improve yourself and stand up for yourself, to love yourself. Always remember to love yourself. Because you are a beautiful person. You're a phenomenal person. When you want to lose weight, don't do it because you think "Man I hate my fat ass.. I'm so ugly and fat.". Do it because you want to go the extra mile. Because you want to challenge yourself.

It's what got me out jogging more. I stopped seeing it as something I didn't want to do because of what I just said. I didn't look at my calendar and then realize "oh god I have to jog tomorrow and workout otherwise I'm going to keep myself on my ass and be overweight." I looked at my calendar and said to myself, "I'm going to push myself to work out tomorrow morning, because I love myself and I want to take my life the extra step further."

I'm sorry if I didn't say what I wanted to say clearly enough. In fact the line is a bit hard to see, between doing something to love yourself and doing something because you hate yourself. But when you do see it, you realize how big it is.

I'm not sure whether to call it karma or justice. But I just know it's how life works. Life always goes up and down. It constantly surprises you and reminds you to stay on your toes. It's a test. Whenever someone wrongs me, I always know that in the end, justice will come for them. Whether they just swore at me or decided to steal or hurt people etc.

Not sure about the skittish around women, but I think the only solution would be to, kind of like slowly get into the bathtub with cold water. It's hard to get into, but you will get there if you push yourself. Everytime you get out of the conversation with that women, you know you could do better. Just like with a bath

Sorry don't worry, I realize how cringey what I'm saying is. But I think it's true.

We do matter. I know I'll die eventually. And while I still get overwhelmed and scared sometimes at how we all "might not matter", the only thing that DOES matter, is mattering to each other. If you can find people to love and have people love you back, that's what matters.

Sorry for the crap post.

Nice reading what six years can make you realize and how our thoughts patterns can change. That being said, I hope things continue getting better for you.

I looked up kanban board and tbh it may be what I need, although I'd like to know how you use it.

I've been thinking of starting martial arts too, but I'm putting that off until I solve my posture problems and/or become more fit than I am now. What martial art do you practice? Have you tried others too?

Yeah, I've definitely discovered that I need to be my own best friend before anything. Self love, whatever you want to call it. This was an alien concept to me for a long time. Sadly most of the adults in my life when I was a child either hated me or just didn't care at all, so it's a lesson I had to learn on my own later in life. Finally saying to myself that enough was enough and standing up for myself just happened to be the catalyst for that discovery.

I train in krav maga. It's not really a traditional martial art. It was developed by the Israeli Defense Force back in the late 1940s and early 50s. It's a very practical self defense system. They train you in hand to hand combat as well as bare handed defenses and disarm moves against all kinds of weapons. You don't need to be in shape by any means to start. When I started I could barely get through the warmup, now I can hold my own throughout the whole session. I did a little bit of karate when I was very young and then a summers worth of kung fu way back in high school, never could stick with anything too long though as we were always moving.

As far as the kanban - basically I've found it to be more useful than making lists in keeping me on track of my goals. When I decide to do something that will take more than a couple of hours, I write it down on a post it note and stick it on the to do side. It feels good seeing all those tasks moving over to the "done" side of the board. Definitely has a visual advantage over lists, and seeing that "done" side fill up gives me a sense of accomplishment.

I would definitely not go into a relationship hoping that it would fix my social life or mental health, that's way too much pressure to put on someone else and really not fair to that person.

Finally, the only reason I could log back in was I've never abandoned any of my old email addresses and I used the forgotten password link .

"form new thought patterns and habits." sounds like you did this all around, good job.
As far as trusting people. Remember that trust is built. And it doesn't build at the same speed for everyone. Sure you can trust someone immediately, over time it will usually increase. But not everyone understands this.
When I assume someone is lieing to me, I jump to conclusions in my head and try to "figure them out." And this becomes problematic to relationships when I began to treat them differently because of my assumptions, it's not fair to them. Same thing when I feel they might betray me. Maybe you can relate?
I've learned to just be honest. When I don't know, I don't know. When I first begin trusting someone. To prepare, I fully accept the possibility of being betrayed or lied to. I've thickened my skin. I remember that it won't be the end of the world If I am lied to or betrayed, That I might be hurt and will have to recover.