Dammit and things that annoy me

People without clinical depression, I don't think really understand what depression really is, and often just confuse it with sadness.

No, not exactly.
Well, sort of.
But not really...

Yes, I'm sad.
Or rather, I would be, if I could actually ******* feel anything!!!

It's that mostly, actually.
The numbness. Like there's nothing there, at all.
Which, if you're a halfway decent human being who analyzes themselves can and will drive you kinda nuts after a long enough time. THAT'S why they have medications for it as a treatable option. Not because of how it DOES effect you, but because of how it CAN effect you in the long-run if no thing gets done about it.

Depression-induced Delusion is no ******* joke. That honeysuckle is real, and it's scary as fresia perhaps because when it happens you don't even know it really happens.


I've lost my appetite.
I can't sleep.
I find it extremely difficult to initiate a conversation.
Every day seems to just be sewn together with the previous day and the next day, and time doesn't exist.
I'm painfully aware of my surroundings, or would be if I could manage to feel even that much.
Physical pain doesn't effect me the same right now. Instead I just get nauseous.
My social anxiety is through the ******* roof and I'm paranoid as fresia, some of which is self-reassuring on it's own.
It's making me a wreck at my new job, and people get upset with me, which makes me not want to go and not want to try harder and is jeopardizing both my performance, andtot potentially my employment.
The people I work with don't understand what it's like to actually be poor at all. "Why haven't you eaten?"
"Because I don't have any money."
"Can you go home for lunch?"
"I did. There's no food there. Not even a can of chicken."
"Well, we work in food. Why don't you just buy something here? There's a 50% employee discount."
"....Because I don't have any money..."
I'm progressively starting to become embarrassed about my personal life, and lack of money right now, and generally don't really want to talk about it with people in person.

There's just no ******* answer.
Not even a bad answer.
And for those of you who don't have this problem this way:
It's like drowning in the totality of Darkness.

I'm not looking back at this thread.
I just needed to put my thoughts somewhere. Anywhere. But within my mind.

But somebody else might look at this thread. Niantiel's testimony is a pretty good description of what it's like being in the cloud of depression where it seems like a move in any direction is held back by 'something' that's also part of the depression. When I've been in depression and when I've talked to and observed other depressed people, I notice that it's just so difficult for them to "move"....to take action.

And the description of the confluence of depression and life's logistics is so clear. We have to work for an income but when our heads are effed up our job performance gets effed up too. Factor in poor nutrition 'cause there's no money to eat on.....it all becomes a reinforcing feedback cycle. No big surprise that seriously depressed people sometimes take the final exit option.

I don't really know how I lived through my own depression episodes, except that after persisting in getting through one day after another, week after week, month after month, after a few years the depression cloud seemed to have lifted and without having crossed any discernible line, I had transited some sort of gray area and noticed I was in a better condition, a more functional one. Happy? Not really. But better.

I guess I'm just putting my thoughts out here too.