Could I Have a Happy Life without Friends?

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JudeDismas

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I've been thinking about this a lot lately, after realizing that there isn't a lot of meet ups near me and the few meet ups that I do attend having few meetings or significantly older members. Long story short, I don't have much opportunity to make friends and even if I did, I have absolutely no experience making friends and would likely face an uphill battle if I tried to make one. And of course, it should go without saying that I have no girlfriend, and honestly, why would any woman want to go out with a short, friendless loser. I've spent a lot of the past year trying to make friends and, ultimately, it caused me a lot of pain, sadness, and anxiety.

At the same time, I have a lot to look forward to, a lot to be grateful for. I have parents who love me and have provided me with shelter, internet, air-conditioning and all sorts of other luxuries many would love to have. I'm currently in Graduate school for a Masters in Library Science, and I feel fairly confident that when I graduate in a couple of years I can find a job somewhere that'll pay my bills and let me buy my own apartment. I get along with my coworkers at my current job, they're friendly to me and I often make them laugh, and I imagine I could do the same at my next job. Lastly, I do have hobbies: walking, jogging, sometimes biking, reading graphic novels, sorta playing guitar, video games, and iphone-photography. Perhaps I don't need friends or a girlfriend to live a happy life with what I have?

Maybe if I just put to rest my fantasies of having band, becoming a great artist,going to Halloween parties, and having a romantic relationship, I could be perfectly content with life alone. On a normal day I could jog in the morning, enjoy the friendly if shallow relationships I have at work, then come home and play video games or guitar, or maybe go out for a walk and take some photographs. If I ever desperately need comfort or companionship, I could call my parents or perhaps buy a dog or something. And when I get bored of the same old routine, I could take a vacation to Washington D.C. or Europe, or maybe just go to the local amusement park, that can all be fun alone, can't it? The only problem would of course come when my parents eventually die and I'll have no close relationships left. But, since all of my social obligations will die with them, well, I can go ahead wrap up my life.

Does this sound feasible? Is it possible for a person to be content completely alone? Can I make myself not feel lonely, or will I always wish for companionship?
 
The fact that you constantly put yourself down, and are condescending to yourself is very off-putting. I can honestly say, by talking to you for the little bit of time that I have, it's concerning to me how you treat yourself. I think it's possible for some people to go through life without any true friends. That depends entirely on the person though. If you're the type to desire companionship, you'll probably wish for it from time to time, if not more than that. I don't think there's anything wrong with one side or the other. I guess it just depends on how you feel about it.
 
I would go as far as to say, that if you aren't ok with yourself, you probably won't be happy with or without friends.
 
JudeDismas said:
The only problem would of course come when my parents eventually die and I'll have no close relationships left. But, since all of my social obligations will die with them, well, I can go ahead wrap up my life.Does this sound feasible? Is it possible for a person to be content completely alone? Can I make myself not feel lonely, or will I always wish for companionship?

Of course someone can be content alone. I think or society has gotten a bit skued. The default state used to be the individual. The entire bill of rights and legal system is baed on the right of the individual to be left alone. All "men" get these rights, married or not. Friends or not.

But somehow that has gotten broken into "it takes a village" or that you can't be happy unless you are married, gay, etc. That just isn't true. In fact, if you have ever looked at Buddism the entire relgion is about being alone. You are complete and all that you need.. just as you are. You meditate which is an internal exploration of you. The entire thing is you, going deeper into you for hours. It is literally all about you. Other humans don't factor into it. You could be on a deserted island and have all you ever need for buddism.

I think everyone wishes for companionship but the defintition of companionship has also gotten broken. Someone to be with has to be someone that adds value to your life. If they don't... why would you be with them? Right now, because society tells us we should be with someone. And actually makes it hard on those who don't. Truth, a lot of the "be with someone" mandates are best for society. Not you. A married couple conserves on resources and married people contribute double taxes. A married person can't say "take this job and shove it" because they have to support kids. Medicine routinely relies of "friends" to drive you home or watch you after a procedure when, that should be them. But for you... your best interest is in living your life for you and, if by chance, you meet someone who is great... of course, your going to let them in.

In fact we all bemoan who cruddy people are these days. Well I think they get to be that way because they can count on they a new person right around the corner. But if people started valuing themseles and taking the lone wolf road, these users wouldn't have anyone to use anymore.

I think humans need interactions every day with humans and or animals. But I think we all get that in every day life. I don't think there is any necessity that you talk with a person every day.
 
In theory, yeah.

There are a lot of factors that go into happiness, friendship included, and I don't think happiness is having all of those. Some things are going to be missing in pretty much everyone's life. There's no metaphorical checklist where you have to make sure you're not missing an item.

If people had to have everything to be happy, then they'd probably have to wait until they were 65 to have obtained all the possessions, connections, and accomplishments they'd planned on, but then they wouldn't have youth.
 
It’s fair to say the majority of Buddhists live in communities where there’s a greater level of social connectedness than what we experience. The default state was not to be alone; it was for people to live in close-nit groups, for survival sake if nothing else.

Is it possible? That’s going to vary between individuals, but it doesn’t sound like it is for you, so for all intents and purposes the answer is ‘no’ and you should continue trying, but with perhaps adjusted expectations.

You could try asking your co-workers out for a drink, assuming they aren't all in a much older age bracket, though I realize you might not feel like doing that because of the formal superficially polite workplace culture in the US.
 
At times. Personally, most of the time I'm happy just being by myself. I have hobbies to keep me occupied. But then, like tonight, I just feel despair loneliness. I just wish I could text someone you know just someone to share life with. But I don't.
 
Well, you sound pretty well-off aside from your social issues. You are fortunate to have parents who support you. If there really aren't a lot of opportunities to meet people where you are, I think you have an advantage in school and your current job and should strive on finishing school and find somewhere else to live where there are more people and opportunities. That's kind of what I'm trying to do in my own situation.

Sure, people can be content to be alone. However, I have trouble wrapping my brain around that because companionship just adds more meaning and excitement to one's life; why settle for the opposite? That's my point of view because I believe life's about pursuing goals. If you want to improve socially, find ways to first improve yourself, and then, your circumstances where possible. It's hard to do and can take time, but if you want it badly enough, you'll keep pursuing it. That's basically what it comes down to. And I think keeping yourself occupied with your hobbies can help distract you from your loneliness as well. It's natural to long and wish for companionship, but try not to be discouraged. Things will work out if you keep putting in the effort.

Just my advice, of course. Take it or leave it.
 
Wow Jude, you pretty much sound like me... The last part of what you said is pretty much along the same lines of my train of thought, although I tend to phrase it as "I will be around until there is no more love in my life at which time I can finally have my eternal slumber". I have tried doing what you suggested in your second to last paragraph but I was never able to fully commit to that idea. Things keep running in cycles. I would decide to quit searching and try to let go and it worked for a while, but then inevitably my thoughts kept reverting back to wanting to find that special someone. Rinse and repeat for multiple years now. Personally I am pretty much tired of trying and continually failing and want to get to the end sooner than later. Everyone's situation is unique though so perhaps you can be stronger than I am

I cannot offer the same type of decent advice other posters have but I can say I do hope things work out for you :)
 
Hi Jude, even though I know how hard it can seem..keep trying and persevering with making new friends and don't give up hope because you obviously want them.

I can empathise with you about joining groups but everyone is a lot older than you. The way I am looking at it is that it is a particularly hard task...I was made redundant a couple of years ago, well finding a job has been much easier than finding friends...finding a partner was easier than making friends.

Meeting people who are your own age...that you 'connect with'...that are looking for new friends...that have the time in their life to tend to friendships (many people are starting families or wrapped up in their career). That dont flake all the time. Thats a lot of factors that have nothing to do with 'you'.

Recently I thought I had made two new guy friends...sadly it was obvious one wanted to be more than friends and the other was weird about hanging out because he was married. So, you can halve the amount of people to be mates with on gender! Both times I felt like I was being punched in the face and was so disappointed.

But I went to a new meetup today and got back on the horse. I will never give up and I do believe it will happen eventually, because why not? And I like having friends, although no friends is preferable to bad friends.
 
AmytheTemperamental said:
I would go as far as to say, that if you aren't ok with yourself, you probably won't be happy with or without friends.

I agree.
 
I've tried being a hermit and happy but it always worsens how i feel around people. I can be alone in spurts but not 24/7, the loneliness, and lack of social interaction can make me feel even more crazy. When I was a kid i was very extraverted and had lots of friends, maybe the real me yearns for that which is the reason i can never be happy being completely alone. But liking yourself can help with all of this, though it is easier said than done.
 
lilE said:
AmytheTemperamental said:
I would go as far as to say, that if you aren't ok with yourself, you probably won't be happy with or without friends.

I agree.

Yes, and no. I mean it can take a lifetime to truely be happy with yourself. Does that mean you should not seek out companionship and friendship? No. And the right friends and or companion can make you happier than you are alone. For sure!
 
Restless soul said:
lilE said:
AmytheTemperamental said:
I would go as far as to say, that if you aren't ok with yourself, you probably won't be happy with or without friends.

I agree.

Yes, and no. I mean it can take a lifetime to truely be happy with yourself. Does that mean you should not seek out companionship and friendship? No. And the right friends and or companion can make you happier than you are alone. For sure!

Yes, you do have a point. But from my personal experience when i was at my most depressed, being around family and friends made me feel worse. I felt like a downer and I did not want it to affect how they were feeling, when they would be happy or laughing it felt like it was being rubbed in my face or like i was being mocked. Seeing others happy while i was doing really bad was a trigger and made things worse for me. Being around others always triggers feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, and like nobody likes me or that everyone has something against me. So I could see if i was ok with myself, comfortable in my own skin, it would be easier being around other people. The only people who i actually liked being around was someone who either understood what i was going through because they went through it themselves or are even currently going through it.
 
You really do sound like you have a lot going for you. You also seem to have evaluated all aspects of your life.... the good and the bad. Seems like you're missing emotional intimacy though....someone who sees the real you and appreciates you.

We all need that and unfortunately this is a common affliction in today's world where people really don't have the time or inclination to develop deeper relationships and the intimacy that comes with it. You are not alone in feeling this way....
 
Advising you that keeping busy at work, watching films and doing some sport it is enough to feel busy adn don't miss anybody, however being in touch with friends make that easier and enjoyable, maybe, but I'm sure that many times we prefer to be alone before someone tell us they way to do things to improve the fun.
 
JudeDismas said:
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, after realizing that there isn't a lot of meet ups near me and the few meet ups that I do attend having few meetings or significantly older members. Long story short, I don't have much opportunity to make friends and even if I did, I have absolutely no experience making friends and would likely face an uphill battle if I tried to make one. And of course, it should go without saying that I have no girlfriend, and honestly, why would any woman want to go out with a short, friendless loser. I've spent a lot of the past year trying to make friends and, ultimately, it caused me a lot of pain, sadness, and anxiety.

At the same time, I have a lot to look forward to, a lot to be grateful for. I have parents who love me and have provided me with shelter, internet, air-conditioning and all sorts of other luxuries many would love to have. I'm currently in Graduate school for a Masters in Library Science, and I feel fairly confident that when I graduate in a couple of years I can find a job somewhere that'll pay my bills and let me buy my own apartment. I get along with my coworkers at my current job, they're friendly to me and I often make them laugh, and I imagine I could do the same at my next job. Lastly, I do have hobbies: walking, jogging, sometimes biking, reading graphic novels, sorta playing guitar, video games, and iphone-photography. Perhaps I don't need friends or a girlfriend to live a happy life with what I have?

Maybe if I just put to rest my fantasies of having band, becoming a great artist,going to Halloween parties, and having a romantic relationship, I could be perfectly content with life alone. On a normal day I could jog in the morning, enjoy  the friendly if shallow relationships I have at work, then come home and play video games or guitar, or maybe go out for a walk and take some photographs. If I ever desperately need comfort or companionship, I could call my parents or perhaps buy a dog or something. And when I get bored of the same old routine, I could take a vacation to Washington D.C. or Europe, or maybe just go to the local amusement park, that can all be fun alone, can't it? The only problem would of course come when my parents eventually die and I'll have no close relationships left. But, since all of my social obligations will die with them, well, I can go ahead wrap up my life.

Does this sound feasible? Is it possible for a person to be content completely alone? Can I make myself not feel lonely, or will I always wish for companionship?

I have been asking myself this question since I was about 17. In the sixteen years since, for me, the answer has always proved to be "No !". I am still alone, and the answer is still no.

We are social animals. We need human contact, intimacy, affection, someone to rely on in emergencies or tough situations, someone to kill hours with. That need is as basic as the need for food or water.

Now, you could put on the mask of denial ... I know a LOT of people who do ... and say, "Yes ! I don't need people. I'll just get a dog, instead." But then, you'll be lying to yourself.

Or, you could argue with me about people in remote regions of Siberia or Alaska, who seem to be perfectly content in their solitude. Ask them if they'd rather be with people, and let me know what they say.

If it sounds like I am answering the question for you, it's because I am. This is a fact, not a theory.
 
VanillaCreme said:
Not everyone needs or wants human contact. It really depends on the person.

Well, everyone here does to some extent.  Otherwise we would have never found it.
 

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