Hypocrite

I can think rationally.
That doesn’t mean my emotions don’t interfere.

I see reality for what it is.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have my own opinions on it.

I keep quiet with a straight face.
That doesn’t mean there aren’t a million thoughts running through my head that produce all kinds of intense feelings.

I try to show respect.
That doesn’t mean I always do.

I do not believe in love.
That doesn’t mean I don’t crave companionship.

I resolve to be my own person.
That doesn’t mean I’m content to be alone.

I pretend everything’s okay.
That doesn’t mean it is.

I understand the other side of the story.
That doesn’t mean I still don’t take it personally.

I throw it under the rug and go on with my day.
That doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven or forgotten.

I am jealous because I have no pride in myself.
I am angry because I have unfulfilled desires.
I am unforgiving because I fear being taken advantage of.

If I had pride in myself, I would not be jealous.
If my desires were fulfilled, or better yet, if I had no desires at all, I would not be angry.
If the same misfortunes didn’t repeat themselves, I would be forgiving and willing to trust.

These are the three emotions dictated by my thoughts and beliefs.
They make me selfish and I hide it with a courteous facade for the well-being of others.
Consequently, they do not often see this selfish side of me.
I must be a liar and a hypocrite to think and behave like this, but what can one expect?

I’m an actor.

Onstage, I display positive attitudes; in life, I conceal negative attitudes. They’re different in this aspect, yet the same because they involve being something different from what I am. I do it because society expects me to. I think everyone’s a hypocrite in their own way, for the sake of keeping peace. Society does not tolerate things like anger or jealousy, things I often feel. They would not like the real me. And so I keep them entertained with the rainbows and unicorns they want to see. I wish I didn’t always have to put on a show for people, to have to lie to them.

Sometimes, I think I may be lying to myself.

Be an actor to other people if you need to but be aware that you're acting a role. If we start lying to ourselves and believe those lies, we can't tell the truth to anybody else 'cause we won't know what's true 'cause we've been inventing it.

constant stranger said:

Be an actor to other people if you need to but be aware that you're acting a role. If we start lying to ourselves and believe those lies, we can't tell the truth to anybody else 'cause we won't know what's true 'cause we've been inventing it.

Click to expand...

I'm fully aware that I'm acting a role, and I know what the truth is. But, we do in fact have to act in a manner that appeases people which kind of distorts or sugarcoats what the whole truth is. So in a way, we've already invented our own kind of truth. It's a "going with the crowd" sort of mentality that can cause one to question one's own beliefs.

I have no advice for you, but the OP, I thought was beautiful. I have the same feelings in several of those situations right now in my life. Thank you for expressing them!

Nicolelt said:

I have no advice for you, but the OP, I thought was beautiful. I have the same feelings in several of those situations right now in my life. Thank you for expressing them!

Click to expand...

Sure, that's all fine, Nicolelt. By the way, welcome back.