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Zzw16

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I keep wondering myself...when am I going to snap? How much more harm i can do to myself? How low i can degrade myself? It's suppose to be so easy, just watch the sky, listen to the birds, walk on the grass. But how can you enjoy all these simple things when you are alone? Alone because you hurt, degrade, hate yourself and because you bare on your shoulders the guilt of all that. When your own self is in your way of happiness what do you do?
 
Just know that this feeling will pass, you are a culmination of many moments and reactions, none alone define you, your potential, or the truth .that life can turn around ..........and in a moment, be more or less than the last moment, that you arrived perfect.......and have forgotten it as society enslaved us all as we grew.......it's our job to find a way back to ourselves, and to just each day try and be the best version of me that I can.... If I can't , that's fine too, as long as I do no harm
 
Just hang in there. I know that feeling all too well, and I know how horrible it is. I thought this depression had me beat as well, I wanted to die. I really don't have anything in my life right now, it's a miserable life to live and I wanted out. I'm starting to pull myself through what has been a really low and dark time in my life, and even though nothing has really changed for me except my mood I am starting to make it through this. The only reason for it is because I went out of my way to try and meet people online just to have someone to chat with, well it's helping. I have so many people I can chat with now it's really nice. I've met some wonderful people and made some great friends, it's the only reason I'm still trying to go on with my life.

I registered on this site because of someone I met on a gaming site, and now I've already been able to chat with a few people from here. I have one person I really love to chat with, and honestly I have to say that talking with this person is making me feel like myself again. I try and reach out to anyone that will listen, and ask for them to chat with me because I know how much having someone to chat with can help. I'm going to send you a PM, so I hope you'll respond because I would like to chat with you a bit.
 
Well, it seems like you're aware that the way you behave isn't normal, which is the first step towards getting better. I often have trouble appreciating the good things too, and self-harm has to come to a point where we decide when enough is enough.
 
If you're at a very low point, do the things you always wanted to do -- max out credit cards, take loans, do whatever (just don't hurt anyone)
 
Zzw16 said:
I keep wondering myself...when am I going to snap? How much more harm i can do to myself? How low i can degrade myself? It's suppose to be so easy, just watch the sky, listen to the birds, walk on the grass. But how can you enjoy all these simple things when you are alone? Alone because you hurt, degrade, hate yourself and because you bare on your shoulders the guilt of all that. When your own self is in your way of happiness what do you do?

It's like I just read myself. I am lonely, I deal with depression and anxiety. And I feel like it's hard to enjoy anything because this depression and anxiety has became a part of my life. My low self esteem is bad. I did not plan on getting like this. My life just slipped away. Although, I have things and people who I feel drove me into depression. If I didn't grow up around certain toxic people in my life. I just know life would have been different . I feel like I would have a love life and friends simply because I will feel better about myself. And when depression come and destroy things, it's hard to see anything positive within yourself. I know what it's like. And I'm working hard to save up to move. I have had about 9 jobs within the last two years. It's so hard to stick to a job when you don't feel like theres a point. All jobs seems bad, and you just give up. But luckily I have a job now that I hate. But I am fighting through it like hell. Saving all my money and finishing up a program for nursing aide. All of this is so hard with the depression and anxiousness I'm dealing with. But I have nothin to lose. Therefore, I will fight. You should try relocating to another place. That way, no one knows you and it will feel like a new beginning for you. You will meet new people and life can change. And this is coming from a very negative and anxious person. I am currently dealing with anxiety, depression and family bullshit. But somewhere inside I still have some fight in me that won't let up. I keep working, saving money and shortly I will be moving to NYC. There's a chance things might not change in terms of my approach and way of thinking, there's a good chance I fail miserably, and all that I'm worrying about now will continue to haunt me. However, at least I will see something different, and somehow make it. It's nothing to lose. Because when you feel hopeless life is no longer interesting. Im there now, but I'm fighting. 

Things gotta change for us.
 
Thank you all for your comments. I've been busy destroying my life even further. You see...I'm a gambling addict. I've been struggling with this addiction most of my life. But i the last year and a half things went out of control.  I am now in debt up my neck. My next 3 wages will go to payday loans. Yes...i borrow money to gamble. As soon as i have something into my bank account...i will play...i cannot stop. Ive won 10k, 15k ...28k pounds....all gone next day. I go from having 20k in my account one day to have nothing to eat next day. I have six apples in my bag now...i thought i will eat one per day this week. I bought them with my last 1.50 pounds. I tried calling all gamble aware charities. They promised to help me...but never heard of them after. Ive realized they wont help me because i an not british. They hear my accent and thats it.  Thoughts of suicide are the only comfort that i have...ive tried to explain to me why am i doing this to myself countless times...the best i could come up with is ....loneliness. i dont have a life here. No friends. 2000km away from home. No one to talk to. No woman in my life. Nothing. So i gamble to forget maybe. And im sinking lower and lower and lower. I lie to borrow money. Ive considered selling my body to earn cash. I am in this hell created and mainteined by me. I stay awake at night in my boat...i live in a boat because i cant afford to rent a room..imagining how i will go and cut my throat. Its hope. I can end all this. This is how messed up things are for me... i have hope that i will end all this on one day. I am ashamed, disgusted, corrupted...and alone. Ive found this forum and this is the only last place to ask for help. I have more "creapy" stories to tell. But i guess there's no point. To all the people here...swimming in depression, in loneliness, in despair....i am crying inside for all of you...and for myself. Thank you for taking time to write here. I need to go back and do my job. Im a repair technician in London UK. I like my job...it supports my addiction....jesus christ....
 
Hey I read the tittle of your post, I couldnt help but relate, I feel the same way, I have lost. Even though I have learnt how to listen to the birds, walk in the grass, feel the brease against my face, and enjoy those little things in life. It made no difference. It seems I can not make anyone happy, I just dont know how, I have tried, and I have failed yet again. I have lost. I only wanted 2 more things out of life. I know all the things I can do, despite certain deceases I have. And I know when I set my mind to do something I do it. except apparently the 2 things I want the most. I can not make anybody else happy, and as stupid as it sounds, I cant make anyone touch me. Even less the person I love. I feel like those dogs that grew up on the street never knowing the touch of a gentle hand, or maybe knowing it and longing for it. With every bit of their heart. That, is impossible now. If I explode or implode, or disapear in any way possible I would. I tried my best, and failed misserably at life. I am tired. 35 years of trying and failing. loosing every bet I make. I am in debt too. I gamble in a different way I guess. I became addicted to someone rather than something. and poof, he is gone. and right now I find myself in the worst place to be, surrounded by him, his things, his smell unable to run away, unwilling to do so perhaps.
I dont know what to do.
 
Keep contacting organizations for help. Same ones, different ones, volunteer ones... Someone will help, eventually. There's one important thing to remember. The probability of winning to get out of it is so small that you will more likely be hit by lightning twice before. Do not make it worse by hoping for that!
Slowly work your way up, don't do anything you will regret later! If someone uses you to help you get out of something, it's not helping. Take care, and good luck!
 
mauthecat said:
Hey I read the tittle of your post, I couldnt help but relate, I feel the same way, I have lost. Even though I have learnt how to listen to the birds, walk in the grass, feel the brease against my face, and enjoy those little things in life. It made no difference. It seems I can not make anyone happy, I just dont know how, I have tried, and I have failed yet again. I have lost. I only wanted 2 more things out of life. I know all the things I can do, despite certain deceases I have. And I know when I set my mind to do something I do it. except apparently the 2 things I want the most. I can not make anybody else happy, and as stupid as it sounds, I cant make anyone touch me. Even less the person I love. I feel like those dogs that grew up on the street never knowing the touch of a gentle hand, or maybe knowing it and longing for it. With every bit of their heart. That, is impossible now. If I explode or implode, or disapear in any way possible I would. I tried my best, and failed misserably at life. I am tired. 35 years of trying and failing. loosing every bet I make. I am in debt too. I gamble in a different way I guess. I became addicted to someone rather than something. and poof, he is gone. and right now I find myself in the worst place to be, surrounded by him, his things, his smell unable to run away, unwilling to do so perhaps.
I dont know what to do.

I dont think i qualify in giving any advices to anyone given the fact that i am in such a mess. you keep sayin you cannot make someone happy. how about making yourself happy first...if you can of course...im never happy....even when i win 20k im still not happy. but with people...what i know and learned so far...never invest all youve got into a single one. there are very high chances you will lose the bet and end up empty handed. not to mention that.. people can use you. i dont think there is a more disgusting feeling than that of being used...yuck...i've been there. just drift from one person to another, from one thing to another then...something may come up eventually...good or bad..heh at least is something new...there is no doubt that there are interesting people out there, you dont need to love em or you dont need to make em love you. what is love anyway...you can hug a tree and feel love hehe of course if you are not too busy detroying yourself, like me...
 
Meaw said:
Keep contacting organizations for help. Same ones, different ones, volunteer ones... Someone will help, eventually. There's one important thing to remember. The probability of winning to get out of it is so small that you will more likely be hit by lightning twice before. Do not make it worse by hoping for that!
Slowly work your way up, don't do anything you will regret later! If someone uses you to help you get out of something, it's not helping. Take care, and good luck!
Thank you for your support!
 
No probs, I think you can make it, and afterwards, you can feel proud over not losing to it :) I have a few things I've won over, not the same as you though, and it can be unsettling, enervating and anxietybringing - but I tell you, once one makes it through, even if it still is remembered with a really bad taste, one cannot help but being proud for having been stronger :) And, again, I do think you can make it. Maybe not all at the same time, but start small.
 
Of course you can give advice, in spanish we say "un consejo hasta de un conejo", it basically translates to take advice even from a rabbit. You can give me advice because you can see things from a different angle than I do. And that is good. So thank you for taking the time to give me your advice. Thing is, I was happy, I had given up on love. I was happy because I could appreciate all the beautiful things around me, like how the brease fells on your skin, or the warmth of the sun, I slept happily with my beloved cat sleeping right in my face, purring all night as I hugged her. Love was something I was not looking for, but when you dont seek, you find. Suddenly it was there, that beautiful feeling, and all it brings with it. The good and the bad. And in gambling terms, when I am in love, I go all in, if I loose I will know I gave it all.
That is what makes me sad, that I go all in, and then you are left with nothing. And when it is about love, it hurts.
I might have been so happy and at peace with life because I was very heavily medicated. xD. and in therapy.
Have you tried therapy, or counseling, or gamblers anonymous? If you are not from a third world country as I am, you can find those things, and they will help. And you should try to stop destroying yourself, and maybe also go and hug a tree, or get a pet. So you will not only be responsible for yourself but you would know if you bet everything and loose you wont be able to buy food for your pet, so maybe you will think about it twice. And have a reason not to gamble it all away.
 
So...got my wages...paid the payday loans. Borrowed another 1000 from 5 different payday lenders...lost all of it. i have no heat in my boat..sleaping in 1 degree celsius. i had 5 pounds left...bought 4 beers for 3.50...my life is amazing!! i'm pretty sure i'll die by christmass. fresia christmass anyway...means nothing to me. But what i'm trying to say here is that...it feels good to have nothing. In a very messed up way...hey man...got nothing :)) im dreaming of dying. born loser. dead loser. who gives a fresia anyway? Each by his means. Im surprised i lived that long...38 years...i didnt enjoy it. i hated it. Even when it seemed good. always had the feeling that i shouldn't be here. its a mistake. Im a mistake. even my mom told me that when i was a kid. what a wonderful person she is. not. but im neither. Nothing is wonderful..only those slot reels spinning, its magic...******* you up more than you already are. I cant feel anything at all anymore. Only when im playing. I feel excitement. spin. Stop. Spin. Stop. And when its over i want to be dead. nothing else matters. If i would have to chose between a pussy and a slot game...i wouldnt even look at the pussy...and last one i had was like...years ago...so...whats the point of the whole thing? why?
 
TheAnxiousPain said:
Zzw16 said:
I keep wondering myself...when am I going to snap? How much more harm i can do to myself? How low i can degrade myself? It's suppose to be so easy, just watch the sky, listen to the birds, walk on the grass. But how can you enjoy all these simple things when you are alone? Alone because you hurt, degrade, hate yourself and because you bare on your shoulders the guilt of all that. When your own self is in your way of happiness what do you do?

It's like I just read myself. I am lonely, I deal with depression and anxiety. And I feel like it's hard to enjoy anything because this depression and anxiety has became a part of my life. My low self esteem is bad. I did not plan on getting like this. My life just slipped away. Although, I have things and people who I feel drove me into depression. If I didn't grow up around certain toxic people in my life. I just know life would have been different . I feel like I would have a love life and friends simply because I will feel better about myself. And when depression come and destroy things, it's hard to see anything positive within yourself. I know what it's like. And I'm working hard to save up to move. I have had about 9 jobs within the last two years. It's so hard to stick to a job when you don't feel like theres a point. All jobs seems bad, and you just give up. But luckily I have a job now that I hate. But I am fighting through it like hell. Saving all my money and finishing up a program for nursing aide. All of this is so hard with the depression and anxiousness I'm dealing with. But I have nothin to lose. Therefore, I will fight. You should try relocating to another place. That way, no one knows you and it will feel like a new beginning for you. You will meet new people and life can change. And this is coming from a very negative and anxious person. I am currently dealing with anxiety, depression and family bullshit. But somewhere inside I still have some fight in me that won't let up. I keep working, saving money and shortly I will be moving to NYC. There's a chance things might not change in terms of my approach and way of thinking, there's a good chance I fail miserably, and all that I'm worrying about now will continue to haunt me. However, at least I will see something different, and somehow make it. It's nothing to lose. Because when you feel hopeless life is no longer interesting. Im there now, but I'm fighting. 

Things gotta change for us.

TheAnxiousPain, I want to tell you that make me sad that your depression and anxiety don't let you go through life, I was like that before and what It made me feel better was taken medicines, I would no recomend you any because the prescription must be done by a specialist. But I advice you that if you try a medicine for at least one year it works.
 

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