whimsicalspirit
Well-known member
I'm 21 years old. I've been visiting this place now and then, and haven't had much to say.
This is honestly my first real time reaching out (I suppose) here. But I'm on the verge of making a final decision regarding my life.
I made mistakes. It hurt myself academically. People who are a bit closer to me know that I've failed some classes and what not, but in the end I was able to at least jump back.
But what they don't know is that it all stemmed from Anxiety. When I started out in 2015 everything felt great at first. But at the same time, I didn't want to do all of this college work. I was too immature that it came to the point that I failed three classes throughout Fall 2015 and Winter 2016. To make things worse? In the process of trying to be eligible again for financial aid, I exploited my younger brother. As a cover up, I asked him to pay for a "fee" for my classes. In truth, he was paying for the cost of the classes. I haven't told anyone about this.
It took two tries until I was eligible again, but nonetheless, I owe him a debt I can't swallow. All of this, because I hated being in college. I just didn't care about what I was required to do. I hated it, despised it. I felt that I couldn't really reach out to my peers either, let alone my teacher. Even now, I still feel like I'm a burden to people. Regardless, I was able to regain my courage again, but it was too late.
I thought things were going to be great today, that I would get the money I needed to pay the other half, but that's not the case. The grants I accepted only cover the first half, and I have nothing to cover the other. I was in denial when this was brought up to me by my college when I asked why I didn't get any money at first. But I really screwed up big time.
Before this all happened, I contemplated moving out. I didn't feel right about my current position. I feel that I've pampered and spoiled myself, and that I have not been putting the effort towards building a better future. The feeling now emanates within me stronger than ever.
I really can't go on like this where I am now. Every quarter of the academic year, I would still need to pay the other half of my tuition costs myself. I tried to apply for more grants, but the grants only targeted...gifted individuals. Me? I didn't really do anything. I was just some person nobody ever saw. I even pushed them away when I had the chance to reach out.
So here I am, trying to do things alone just as I have since I was a kid. I've been living with my parents even after I graduated. Looking back, it doesn't feel right anymore. I've outlasted my stay, and I feel that it's time for me to REALLY grow up.
I want to move out. I know how difficult it is out there for me. To not be able to find a job. To live in terrible conditions. But what point is there in the struggle to live, when you do not take risks at all? Again, I'm 21 years old, a young adult. I don't feel like that I've really acted like one. I really don't want to be in college anymore now because of the things I did. I even won't use my Anxiety as an excuse anymore. I find that people in this world can be supportive, but at the same time, they can be apathetic too. Don't get me wrong though; I'm no pessimist. And I don't like to see people in a bad light either.
But I find it pointless to ask for anymore help now. My hands are tied. I need to be responsible for my actions, my mistakes. I won't kill myself or anything like that since I still have some pride for my humanity left. I'd rather die taking full control where my life is going, than commit suicide a coward.
With all of that said, I only have a few days left until I'm entirely dropped from classes. I've asked a few people already what moving out as an adult was like. While it sounded harsh for some, most of them said it was probably the best thing they ever did. And on a side note, I don't want to be held back by the petty dogmas generations before me have set. I want to break free from that.
Also, I didn't intend to ask for help at all, I just wanted to vent all of this before calming down and accepting my mistakes. But still, I feel strongly about the things I've said here, and they may stick with me for a long time. So with whatever faith I have left...I guess it won't hurt to ask you guys what I need to do...but I really feel like you shouldn't help me. I just wanted all of you to listen to me...to tell you...don't be me.
You can discuss anything with me about what's been happening in my life in this thread if you like. Once that's done though, I kind of feel like this is my last time staying here in this forum, unless something changes.
This is honestly my first real time reaching out (I suppose) here. But I'm on the verge of making a final decision regarding my life.
I made mistakes. It hurt myself academically. People who are a bit closer to me know that I've failed some classes and what not, but in the end I was able to at least jump back.
But what they don't know is that it all stemmed from Anxiety. When I started out in 2015 everything felt great at first. But at the same time, I didn't want to do all of this college work. I was too immature that it came to the point that I failed three classes throughout Fall 2015 and Winter 2016. To make things worse? In the process of trying to be eligible again for financial aid, I exploited my younger brother. As a cover up, I asked him to pay for a "fee" for my classes. In truth, he was paying for the cost of the classes. I haven't told anyone about this.
It took two tries until I was eligible again, but nonetheless, I owe him a debt I can't swallow. All of this, because I hated being in college. I just didn't care about what I was required to do. I hated it, despised it. I felt that I couldn't really reach out to my peers either, let alone my teacher. Even now, I still feel like I'm a burden to people. Regardless, I was able to regain my courage again, but it was too late.
I thought things were going to be great today, that I would get the money I needed to pay the other half, but that's not the case. The grants I accepted only cover the first half, and I have nothing to cover the other. I was in denial when this was brought up to me by my college when I asked why I didn't get any money at first. But I really screwed up big time.
Before this all happened, I contemplated moving out. I didn't feel right about my current position. I feel that I've pampered and spoiled myself, and that I have not been putting the effort towards building a better future. The feeling now emanates within me stronger than ever.
I really can't go on like this where I am now. Every quarter of the academic year, I would still need to pay the other half of my tuition costs myself. I tried to apply for more grants, but the grants only targeted...gifted individuals. Me? I didn't really do anything. I was just some person nobody ever saw. I even pushed them away when I had the chance to reach out.
So here I am, trying to do things alone just as I have since I was a kid. I've been living with my parents even after I graduated. Looking back, it doesn't feel right anymore. I've outlasted my stay, and I feel that it's time for me to REALLY grow up.
I want to move out. I know how difficult it is out there for me. To not be able to find a job. To live in terrible conditions. But what point is there in the struggle to live, when you do not take risks at all? Again, I'm 21 years old, a young adult. I don't feel like that I've really acted like one. I really don't want to be in college anymore now because of the things I did. I even won't use my Anxiety as an excuse anymore. I find that people in this world can be supportive, but at the same time, they can be apathetic too. Don't get me wrong though; I'm no pessimist. And I don't like to see people in a bad light either.
But I find it pointless to ask for anymore help now. My hands are tied. I need to be responsible for my actions, my mistakes. I won't kill myself or anything like that since I still have some pride for my humanity left. I'd rather die taking full control where my life is going, than commit suicide a coward.
With all of that said, I only have a few days left until I'm entirely dropped from classes. I've asked a few people already what moving out as an adult was like. While it sounded harsh for some, most of them said it was probably the best thing they ever did. And on a side note, I don't want to be held back by the petty dogmas generations before me have set. I want to break free from that.
Also, I didn't intend to ask for help at all, I just wanted to vent all of this before calming down and accepting my mistakes. But still, I feel strongly about the things I've said here, and they may stick with me for a long time. So with whatever faith I have left...I guess it won't hurt to ask you guys what I need to do...but I really feel like you shouldn't help me. I just wanted all of you to listen to me...to tell you...don't be me.
You can discuss anything with me about what's been happening in my life in this thread if you like. Once that's done though, I kind of feel like this is my last time staying here in this forum, unless something changes.
