Had my first date in 2 and a half years! Reaction - meh.

Well, the title pretty much says it all. I had met this girl on OKCupid about a week and a half ago and we got to messaging each other heavy. She gives me her number and we get to texting, in the space of a week we had exchanged almost 500 texts. Seemed to click pretty well. She's younger than me and holds a masters degree. Cute face, if a little chubby. Chubby isn't a problem for me, in fact I sort of prefer chubby girls. Great smile. I was excited to meet her.

So Saturday morning comes and I arrive at the diner we'd agreed on for breakfast. I get there a few minutes early. She texts me that she's pulling up and I spot a car door opening.

She was much, much bigger than her profile pictures made her out to be. Like life threateningly obese. Same face though and still the great smile. Plus I was always taught to be a gentleman so I decided to give it a chance. I gave her a hug and we sat down to order breakfast and chat.

She likes her job and hates her mother, whom she still lives with. We chat for about 20 minutes before our breakfasts arrive. Even though we were still talking she finishes eating in ten minutes and I've still got most of my breakfast left. I don't want to have her watch me eat for another 20 minutes so I call for the check, pay and we leave to a nearby park.

It's a relatively flat quarter mile walk to a bench which leaves her sort of winded so we sit down and chat some more, but it gets harder and harder to keep the conversation going. Honestly at this point I realize that I'm just not attracted to her physically at all. She's a smart girl and picks up on that, after about 20 more minutes we both kind of stop trying. Eye contact stops, answers become monosyllabic, etc.

I walk her back to her car and sort of against my better judgement offer her a second date in a week, we had talked about going apple picking. She says she'd like that, we hug again and part ways.

Several hours later I text her and we exchange a little more small talk, I tell her I'm about to call it a night but I'm looking forward to seeing her the next weekend. She texts back that it was nice texting and meeting me that morning but she doesn't want a second date since we didn't click.

I reply that I really wasn't feeling anything either but that's pretty normal for me the first time I meet people, and that I hope I didn't come off as cold. She replies that I didn't seem cold to her, that she just didn't see things working out.

I reply "fair enough". I asked her that since we weren't going to see each other anymore, if she had any advice for me in terms of improving for future dates or life in general. She replies "no, nothing in particular", so I text back that I'll just chalk it up to no chemistry and said "nice meeting you."

So that was that.. Deleted her number and texts, hid her on OKCupid.

So, lessons learned:

1. No more internet dates without seeing a full body picture.

2. Don't expect a connection made by text messages to smoothly carry over to "meatspace".

3. It still pays to be a gentleman.

4. Don't have another 30 month period between dates, especially since our entire exchange only lasted 10 days. I plan to get back out there in the next few weeks, I'm in the middle of a month long layoff ATM so I need to tighten my belt until I get called back.

I read a reddit thread a few months back that resonated with me on the concept of dating and dealing with rejection. Basically it said that for two people to enter a relationship there needs to be a true mutual attraction. Don't feel bad if you're rejected because in plain words, the rejection doesn't make you a bad person, it just means that you're not that persons' preferred flavor.

Think of potential dates like you're about to sample the flavors of ice cream at Baskin Robbins. There are 31 flavors to choose from. There isn't a single person out there who will love all 31 flavors. Everyone has their built in preferences. So you get these tiny spoons and you're invited to try out a tiny bit. That's your date. Out out the 31 flavors, you can tell just by looking at them that you don't even want to try at least 10, so they're out of the picture in the interest of saving time. Out of the remaining 21 or fewer, you'll have to prioritize. Some will look tasty but upon the first taste (first date), they'll just fall short of expectation. So no need to order the cone (commit), since there's just no connection there. Eventually you'll find at least a few flavors that you'll like enough to order a cone. Your relationship with these flavors will undoubtedly change over time. Some may rot your teeth or otherwise hamper you, and you'll decide to break off your relationship. Others may become unavailable with little to no notice, either due to supply problems or new knowledge of some type of hazard. But if you keep rolling with the punches and going with your instincts, eventually you'll find that one flavor that will, for a good long while anyway, with make you forget about the other 30 that just weren't right for you.

I think that analogy is a good approach. When I've got some time I'll see if I can find that reddit post because I'm sure I only loosely relayed it here.

I don't think it's really your fault at all. I mean, it sucks not feeling physical attraction to someone, but honestly, if a person is gonna give a false impression about their looks on their profile, they should expect some disappointment. It's a cruel but true. You went on two dates, so you actually gave it a fair chance, which is more than most people nowadays would. Good job on handling it maturely

You did a HELL OF A JOB driftboy. I couldn't have done what you did. I'd be too nervous to meet someone off of a dating site. Not because of their appearance but because you don't know how honest they are.

driftboy87 said:

She's a smart girl and picks up on that, after about 20 more minutes we both kind of stop trying. Eye contact stops, answers become monosyllabic, etc.

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This bit caught my attention. That sounds very awkward. Maybe next time try and continue looking like you're still interested in the conversation, even if just to be polite.

Her talking about how she hates her mother on a first date would have been off-putting.

I don't know.

First off, I think you did a good job by putting yourself out there enough to try.

However, as far as the situation goes, I don't know. I just don't agree with the concept of people being "just not right for you" if you know you can actually talk to each other. I'm in the minority but I don't think there is much difference between online communication and talking in-person - you are still the same people who could talk well online. A lull in the conversation can happen to anyone, even close family and friends, for any reason. It can happen when one or both people get nervous and self-conscious. It can happen when you simply run out of things to talk about because you're just not doing that much at the moment. It can happen where you want to talk more, but just aren't sure where to steer the conversation next. For me, that's happened at some point with pretty much every person I've talked to in any capacity. So we stop talking for a bit, and pick up talking later when we have more to discuss.

I think that "just not right for you" can exist but always has a reason. For instance, I feel like business professional-type girls who are mainly into sports and the bar scene, or country-type girls into trucks and stuff like that would be "just not right" for me, because we wouldn't have much to talk about to start with. But I think that someone could potentially be right for me if we like at least some of the same things and/or can otherwise have repeated, extended conversations. I just think people are a little too harsh expecting instant chemistry these days. Sometimes it takes a while and I think only knowing someone for a week or so is just too short to decide that someone has no potential as a mate. I just don't think it's long enough to really get to know someone. I take a while to get comfortable with someone myself.

I'm not criticizing you at all, driftboy, so please don't read it that way. I'm just criticizing dating in general.

TheSkaFish said:

I just don't agree with the concept of people being "just not right for you" if you know you can actually talk to each other. I'm in the minority but I don't think there is much difference between online communication and talking in-person - you are still the same people who could talk well online.

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You made good points but I don't agree on this one.

I think there is a big difference between talking to someone in person and online communication.

Online communication such as a PM you can take all the time you want to figure out and write down what you want to say. When you talk to someone in person you can't tell them that you'll answer them in ten minutes as you figure out what you want to tell them.

Online you have more time to get your thoughts in order. I think that is why I can explain myself better online because in person I always feel someone is judging me and I don't like it.

BeyondShy said:

You made good points but I don't agree on this one.

I think there is a big difference between talking to someone in person and online communication.

Online communication such as a PM you can take all the time you want to figure out and write down what you want to say. When you talk to someone in person you can't tell them that you'll answer them in ten minutes as you figure out what you want to tell them.

Online you have more time to get your thoughts in order. I think that is why I can explain myself better online because in person I always feel someone is judging me and I don't like it.

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That's true, you do have more time to compose your thoughts online. But that kinda goes along with what I'm saying though - you could connect with the person when you talk online, but maybe being in person with them psychs you out a little and you don't have as easy of a time composing your thoughts. To me, that's not really a connecting-with-that-person problem, that's a connecting-with-anyone problem. I think it has less to do with a connection problem than a problem with thinking on one's feet, which is always harder than having time to think and strategize ahead of time.

Anyway. Didn't mean that as an argument, just the way I see it. I guess I feel like more people could connect and that it's not them that is the problem, it's the way they come across - sometimes without even meaning to, by making mistakes they wouldn't have made if they had more time to think.

TheSkaFish said:

Anyway. Didn't mean that as an argument, just the way I see it. I guess I feel like more people could connect and that it's not them that is the problem, it's the way they come across - sometimes without even meaning to, by making mistakes they wouldn't have made if they had more time to think.

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I didn't see it as an argument at all. Like you said it was just how you saw it and that is fine by me. And after reading your explanation I can see why you see it that way. I am pretty sure I make mistakes that end up hurting me without even knowing that I did it.

I could have written that story. I remember connecting with someone on datehookup who was about 15 years younger, real cute face, pretty hair, I could tell she was chubby as well. Texted constantly after connecting, and a few phone calls. She has this really cute girlie voice, and like you, couldn't wait to meet her. We set up a morning date at dunkin donuts... I remember pulling into the parking lot just as this girl goes into the place, and I thought to myself, I am betting that's her. Yep very fat, and almost obese like yours. I recognized the hair, I considered "hot hair" when looking at her picture, now I see how easy it is with careful photography and using your best assets, you can look so much different.

She was young, really short, very pretty face and hair, cute voice, but incredibly fat. I sat down and talked to her for about 2 hours, and tried to see if there was still a connection in spite of her size. In the end, I couldn't see myself getting over it, there just wasn't a connection. I too don't mind at all chubby or even fat within reason. I just didn't see this as going anywhere and I didn't want to waste anyone's time.

I chuckled reading your story.

morrowrd said:

I too don't mind at all chubby or even fat within reason. I just didn't see this as going anywhere and I didn't want to waste anyone's time.

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I really don't understand guys. You know... fat people can lose weight. I would think that a smart guy would find a girl who was fat, encourage her to lose weight and then you would have a keeper. There is no changing things like being bald, old, or ugly for a woman.

LonelySutton said:

I really don't understand guys. You know... fat people can lose weight. I would think that a smart guy would find a girl who was fat, encourage her to lose weight and then you would have a keeper. There is no changing things like being bald, old, or ugly for a woman.

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It's not all guys you know. And if you notice you will see that both of these people who told their stories about meeting an overweight girl never said one thing wrong about themselves. Were they the perfect height and weight? Was everything about them just fine and dandy? They never said. It was all about the girl being overweight and therefore because of that she isn't good enough to be around.

I don't understand why some are so quick to dismiss because they didn't click with someone right away. Does it have to be instant? I know quite a few folks, including myself, who say that they didn't really like who they're with at first. People can grow on us.

Also, dude said he didn't mind her being a bit chubby. Even if he did, that's his own personal preference and it's got nothing to do with anything else.

Sure women can lose weight, but it’s unlikely they’ll want to do so as a result of pressure from a boyfriend. A guy would be considered a grade A ******* for trying to “encourage” her into that. Also establishes a toxic dynamic in the relationship where someone feels valued only for their looks.

Best just to move on. Most women don’t seem to find average looking men all that attractive either so no-one can claim the moral highground.

ardour said:

Most women don’t seem to find average looking men all that attractive either so no-one can claim the moral highground.

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You got that right.

I've heard some stories when the girl loses weight and then leaves the guy when she realizes she can attract other by being thin.

Xpendable said:

I've heard some stories when the girl loses weight and then leaves the guy when she realizes she can attract other by being thin.

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I also know a guy who started dating an overweight girl. She lost all the weight and is really pretty and their married now.

Xpendable said:

I've heard some stories when the girl loses weight and then leaves the guy when she realizes she can attract other by being thin.

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Can you then not apply 'that' same logic to when a man loses weight.

Seriously?

Personally as a 'big' woman. I would much prefer to be with a man who had loved me for who I am underneath the fat. Rather be with a man who would ONLY find me attractive by being slim.

That is my own opinion based on the hurtful things that have been thrown at me.

LonelySutton said:

morrowrd said:

I too don't mind at all chubby or even fat within reason. I just didn't see this as going anywhere and I didn't want to waste anyone's time.

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I really don't understand guys. You know... fat people can lose weight. I would think that a smart guy would find a girl who was fat, encourage her to lose weight and then you would have a keeper. There is no changing things like being bald, old, or ugly for a woman.

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See now, I would think that someone would want to be accepted AS THEY ARE. So yeah, this girl gets a guy coming into his life and is all "you gotta lose some weight and then I'll be with you." Yeah, that'll go over well. Even if he rephrases it some other way, she'll most likely still realize what's going on.
You can't FORCE someone to change. Yes, okay, people should encourage others to lose weight if their weight is causing health issues, but I'm sorry, we all have the people we are attracted to and some people just aren't attracted to overweight people. That's not a crime, that's THEIR decision.

Serenia said:

Xpendable said:

I've heard some stories when the girl loses weight and then leaves the guy when she realizes she can attract other by being thin.

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Can you then not apply 'that' same logic to when a man loses weight.

Seriously?

Personally as a 'big' woman. I would much prefer to be with a man who had loved me for who I am underneath the fat. Rather be with a man who would ONLY find me attractive by being slim.

That is my own opinion based on the hurtful things that have been thrown at me.

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I feel the same, Serenia. And I'm also the same to people. I don't like anyone for what they look like or what they have. Loving someone and liking someone should be unconditional.

To be honest in my childhood and early teens, I was so fat that doctors thought I would more than likely be bedridden by my 20s. So I know people can lose weight, since I'm still here at nearly 30 and train in krav maga while holding a full time welding position. But I lost that weight because I cared about myself enough to not want to die early, amongst a myriad of other reasons. And really, I'm still pretty fat, but not by too much more than the average American.

With that said I appreciate all the replies. I still haven't figured out how to copy quotes on this board yet, but I'll answer as many questions as I can from memory.

The thing about the conversation lulling out and how it was awkward. Yes it was and that was when it was pretty clear it was time to head back to our cars. Once I could tell she wasn't feeling it anymore than I was, I gave her a few seconds to pitch another sentence my way, then I stood up and asked her if she was ready to head back. She said yeah and we went on our way. She wasn't upset at all. I was actually kind of relieved that I didn't have to risk being the bad guy and cutting her off.

I grew up in the era of dial up chatrooms and later AIM, where you could connect with your friends and strangers by text. I sunk hundreds, if not thousands of hours into conversations with people from all over the world, as well as kids I went to school with. It's not as critical as time spent face to face, guys. It's nice to exchange messages through text and internet but the only real way to know if there's a true connection is to see that person - in person. This wasn't my first rodeo with internet dating, and the story with last girl I dated was almost identical to this one. But that girl and I did see each other a second time and there was still no connection so the whole meeting was pretty awkward.

I would never enter a relationship with anybody where I would expect that person to change in order to keep me interested, and yes this includes losing weight. Now I know a lot of people like to think that being obese is a result of lifestyle choices and in a way that's true. However there's a big difference between someone being 25 pounds overweight and eating salads and running all summer to get rid of the winter weight, versus someone who's been obese all their life and needs to completely relearn many different elements of living to become healthy. I'm not going to tell myself, "I'll stick by this person and help them, and then when they meet my standards I'll be ready to fully commit because they have fixed themselves to my expectations." That's super messed up and degrading to both parties.

I didn't reject this girl just because she was big. We met, realized between the two of us there just wasn't enough of a connection to warrant a second date (even though I left that door open for her) and decided to part ways. We're both now free to find better matches. End of chapter.

About the instant-click connection idea. For friends, that's not necessary to feel. Good friendships can be built over time spent in close proximity. I've got old friends across the country that I have nothing in common with anymore but can still chat with occasionally because we grew up around each other. But that gets me to thinking, again, "What if I flew out and saw this person tomorrow? Do I really still know him/her?" Anyway, I don't expect love at first sight but there's got to be some physical tension, and there just wasn't any in this case. I've experienced love at first sight and it was scary, and didn't end well. So I've tempered myself to that notion a bit but still, for me to know I'm attracted to someone there has to be at least a little bit of that nervousness you get when you're around a crush.