I'm at the end, I think...

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JHK

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I actually don't really know how to start this so I'm just going to wing it as I've stared at my screen for 15 minutes and nothing intelligent really seems to be forthcoming.

I guess this is my last ditch attempt at maybe... What? I don't even know. I don't know what I want to do. I do, but I don't. Which isn't making any sense, I know. For anyone who may have a good memory, I'm sure my impression was one of a lost, confused, messed up individual and that hasn't changed (obviously) for the better but slipped rather severly in the wrong direction.

I have stumbled through life this far completely blind and on my own and I haven't figured out a **** thing yet. Every major and minor turn I've had to make, I had to choose based on solely the advice of me - what I knew, didn't know, my judgements on good or bad or safe or unsafe or right or wrong - and there isn't a worse person in the world to look too for advice and guidance then myself because I can't get a thing right. I guess it's hard to make a right decision when all you have to base your most edcauted guess on is a background of failures. I have wished more in the last year then in all of my 22 (23? I can't remember how old I am) years that I had sort of parent like figure to sit me down and impart some of their life knowledge to me so I could just stop... But it's still just me and I'm still just ******* up so... Here I am, I guess.

I said I was leaving my last post here however long ago it was and it wasn't because of what anyone said or did but rather because I saw what this place is designed to do - a sense of comraidre that I just don't understand or belong too and it (in my head) magnified the whole reason of why I showed up here in the first place and why I'm at where I am - because I'm all I've got which is a whole lot of...Nothing.

I'm sorry this seems like it's going nowhere. I had a straight objective but I can't really get 'there' without going 'here' and I'm struggling to get some sort of sembelance of a timeline and keep it together and it's hard because I'm so close to falling apart.

This last year I found myself in a scene that seemed familiar but was so critically different - the people, their indescribable levels of evilness and ruthlessness. I will be the first to admit that I am not a good person. I'm not a nice person. I don't know, really, how to be treated and how to treat people in such a way that makes you someone able to love. I don't know what love is. All of me is based on what I know and what I know is cruelty, despair, lonliness, and hate - and a hate so acute that it hurts - a sort of pain that is so intense that nothing but ending your life truly makes sense except to keep enduring life because it's probably what you deserve.

But I don't think I would have ever considered myself an evil person. I guess they saw my naievity and latched on and I let them pull me into their awful game because I stupidely thought that maybe, for some reason, I was actually more then just me - but I never meant a **** thing more to them then just a willingly used pawn in their game where I lost what tiny shred of decency I may have had over them - where someone lost their life and I was almost looking at 8 years in prison because I inadvertantly played a role in something I have only ever planned for myself because... Because I was stupid and I thought I mattered. Because I wanted to believe I mattered, I guess.

What it all truly boils down too, what everyone had in common from me to people I thought I knew to the killers to the victim - is a speed pipe.

I've always been a substance user - typical of someone like me. Probably the only thing I have done right is follow that textbook line of substance abuse user - alcohol, weed, cocaine, crack, speed.

So I know what drugs do - and that's why I haven't really been able to live without them - because they mask, they hide, they change who you are - which is perfect when you spend every waking moment wishing you were dead. I had to not be me just to BE. But I have never seen a drug strip everything that makes a human a human away until they are not just nothing, but evil. Just pure evil.

I denied and made excuses and lied and in the end it took someone dying and me almost taking the fall before I could stop and step back get away. Mostly away.

I lost that crowd, except for a select few - because with everything there is always the exception to the rule and I have met a few who are users but not "in the scene", so to speak. messed up as it is, two of them are very close to the two who ended up convicted and as I kick leaves over I get a tidbit and wonder if they should be where they are and how many more leaves I can kick before I end up like...Him.

Right. Because I'm an all or nothing guy, you know. Go big or go home - I have failed big everytime but this...This has topped it.

The only person I ever had I pushed away during all this because I didn't want him within sight of these blood hungry leeches. I talk to him, sparingly. He knows me, knows what I have been through, went through, and where I am heading but I'm cutting him off down the path because I think I have to fail him, too.

And then I had to meet her. This poor, beautiful, pure girl who is blinded enough by (what?) To think I'm worth an ounce of her time let alone her heart.
So I pulled an ******* card and I hung around awhile because I'm weak and she feels good, you know? I miss that when she's gone so I kept going back but I shouldn't have because I just kept giving her rope to hang herself with. I let her feelings attach to something already dead and she'll be another notch if my belt of failures because I don't know how to love her like she deserves to be.

I have never wanted so badly to end myself and every pathetic shred of me that was ever created on this Earth so bad. I want it so bad that it does hurt - in ways I never thought it could. Suicide is nothing to me (trust me to fresia that up too) but now I think I'm truly at that point - I dug the grave and jumped in and have the loaded and chambered gun against my head with 2lbs on a 3lbs trigger pull and it's really, truly all I want - For me.
And I think of those two and a ******* promise I made years ago and I see a glimmer but I'm losing it no matter how hard to try to find it. And the other 99.5% of me is saying Go, add that last pound because, no matter that my advice has always been honeysuckle this... THIS is right. Right?

So what if I'm wrong. I probably am, true to nature. I just know that I'm losing the fight and I really, really don't know what to do. I can't accept anymore advice from me when all I see is the end.

And you know what the messed up part of this all is? I don't even know what the point of this was. I don't know what I need (aside from a hoot and a drink and fresia if it's only 7am)
I just... I don't know. That's all I got.
 
JHK said:
I actually don't really know how to start this so I'm just going to wing it as I've stared at my screen for 15 minutes and nothing intelligent really seems to be forthcoming.

I guess this is my last ditch attempt at maybe... What? I don't even know. I don't know what I want to do. I do, but I don't. Which isn't making any sense, I know. For anyone who may have a good memory, I'm sure my impression was one of a lost, confused, messed up individual and that hasn't changed (obviously) for the better but slipped rather severly in the wrong direction.

I have stumbled through life this far completely blind and on my own and I haven't figured out a **** thing yet. Every major and minor turn I've had to make, I had to choose based on solely the advice of me - what I knew, didn't know, my judgements on good or bad or safe or unsafe or right or wrong - and there isn't a worse person in the world to look too for advice and guidance then myself because I can't get a thing right. I guess it's hard to make a right decision when all you have to base your most edcauted guess on is a background of failures. I have wished more in the last year then in all of my 22 (23? I can't remember how old I am) years that I had sort of parent like figure to sit me down and impart some of their life knowledge to me so I could just stop... But it's still just me and I'm still just ******* up so... Here I am, I guess.

I said I was leaving my last post here however long ago it was and it wasn't because of what anyone said or did but rather because I saw what this place is designed to do - a sense of comraidre that I just don't understand or belong too and it (in my head) magnified the whole reason of why I showed up here in the first place and why I'm at where I am - because I'm all I've got which is a whole lot of...Nothing.

I'm sorry this seems like it's going nowhere. I had a straight objective but I can't really get 'there' without going 'here' and I'm struggling to get some sort of sembelance of a timeline and keep it together and it's hard because I'm so close to falling apart.

This last year I found myself in a scene that seemed familiar but was so critically different - the people, their indescribable levels of evilness and ruthlessness. I will be the first to admit that I am not a good person. I'm not a nice person. I don't know, really, how to be treated and how to treat people in such a way that makes you someone able to love. I don't know what love is. All of me is based on what I know and what I know is cruelty, despair, lonliness, and hate - and a hate so acute that it hurts - a sort of pain that is so intense that nothing but ending your life truly makes sense except to keep enduring life because it's probably what you deserve.

But I don't think I would have ever considered myself an evil person. I guess they saw my naievity and latched on and I let them pull me into their awful game because I stupidely thought that maybe, for some reason, I was actually more then just me - but I never meant a **** thing more to them then just a willingly used pawn in their game where I lost what tiny shred of decency I may have had over them - where someone lost their life and I was almost looking at 8 years in prison because I inadvertantly played a role in something I have only ever planned for myself because... Because I was stupid and I thought I mattered. Because I wanted to believe I mattered, I guess.

What it all truly boils down too, what everyone had in common from me to people I thought I knew to the killers to the victim - is a speed pipe.

I've always been a substance user - typical of someone like me. Probably the only thing I have done right is follow that textbook line of substance abuse user - alcohol, weed, cocaine, crack, speed.

So I know what drugs do - and that's why I haven't really been able to live without them - because they mask, they hide, they change who you are - which is perfect when you spend every waking moment wishing you were dead. I had to not be me just to BE. But I have never seen a drug strip everything that makes a human a human away until they are not just nothing, but evil. Just pure evil.

I denied and made excuses and lied and in the end it took someone dying and me almost taking the fall before I could stop and step back get away. Mostly away.

I lost that crowd, except for a select few - because with everything there is always the exception to the rule and I have met a few who are users but not "in the scene", so to speak. messed up as it is, two of them are very close to the two who ended up convicted and as I kick leaves over I get a tidbit and wonder if they should be where they are and how many more leaves I can kick before I end up like...Him.

Right. Because I'm an all or nothing guy, you know. Go big or go home - I have failed big everytime but this...This has topped it.

The only person I ever had I pushed away during all this because I didn't want him within sight of these blood hungry leeches. I talk to him, sparingly. He knows me, knows what I have been through, went through, and where I am heading but I'm cutting him off down the path because I think I have to fail him, too.

And then I had to meet her. This poor, beautiful, pure girl who is blinded enough by (what?) To think I'm worth an ounce of her time let alone her heart.
So I pulled an ******* card and I hung around awhile because I'm weak and she feels good, you know? I miss that when she's gone so I kept going back but I shouldn't have because I just kept giving her rope to hang herself with. I let her feelings attach to something already dead and she'll be another notch if my belt of failures because I don't know how to love her like she deserves to be.

I have never wanted so badly to end myself and every pathetic shred of me that was ever created on this Earth so bad. I want it so bad that it does hurt - in ways I never thought it could. Suicide is nothing to me (trust me to fresia that up too) but now I think I'm truly at that point - I dug the grave and jumped in and have the loaded and chambered gun against my head with 2lbs on a 3lbs trigger pull and it's really, truly all I want - For me.
And I think of those two and a ******* promise I made years ago and I see a glimmer but I'm losing it no matter how hard to try to find it. And the other 99.5% of me is saying Go, add that last pound because, no matter that my advice has always been honeysuckle this... THIS is right. Right?

So what if I'm wrong. I probably am, true to nature. I just know that I'm losing the fight and I really, really don't know what to do. I can't accept anymore advice from me when all I see is the end.

And you know what the messed up part of this all is? I don't even know what the point of this was. I don't know what I need (aside from a hoot and a drink and fresia if it's only 7am)
I just... I don't know. That's all I got.

Man so many issues...the only way I can see forward is to get some professional help
it's difficult to see how any one individual here could provide you with the obviously very needed therapy and opportunity for some kind of resolution...that isn't to say no one is able to help here but realistically as far as I know no one here has that kind of toolbox to hand.
 
Your life can be so much better. It truly can. You do have a lot going on. But, you need to get off the drugs to help yourself. When you take drugs, drugs take you. They take your essence. Please consider getting professional help. You can move past all of this into a better day.
 
In the UK we have a helpline/website called 'talktofrank' where you can talk anonymously about your substance abuse & get help & advice. I've found a similar thing for Canada, so hopefully it'll be worth your while getting in touch with them.

http://www.drugandalcoholhelpline.ca/

Talk to them, they can help you to make changes for the better.

Drugs corrupt who you are! You're filling your body & mind with chemicals, creating imbalances, & you will never know love unless you get yourself clean because narcotics will keep you in a state of feeling negative emotions.

This might be the end, but every end is a new beginning, so perhaps it's time to start taking care of your health.
 
I keep coming back to this thread, trying to think of something helpful to say, but I can't think of anything. Your suffering saddens me but I have no advice other than what the others have pointed out.
 
I ruined both my parents lives when I was 8.

I stopped being the me who could be a happy go lucky, normal person then.

I went into a masturbation addiction when I was 12? 12-15/17. It ruined my life. But it was, like any addiction, a way to escape reality. The reality of myself just wanting the Devil to slit my throat. I still get tingles just thinking about having my throat slit. The sudden shock of pain. But anyway, sorry, don't need to try and feed my ego here. It ruined my life. Those could have been the best moments of my life. But now after finally getting out of that. I'm too old to enjoy the sweetness of young teenage years. You'll only realize how sweet that is, when you actually look at life the same way I do.

Hahaha, you're probably laughing, a masturbation addiction? This guy's a ******* nut. Well, I busted a lot of nuts- okay sorry for the puns. I masturbated for 1 hour at least, when I was deep in the addiction. It would help me escape the guilty loser I am. I would always have some attractive girl to be with me and love me. Because that's all I want.

Fast forward now. I'm analysing my feelings and instincts all the time, but also putting them in their place and respecting them. Obviously, you can't do the same with drugs. You can't just use it every now and then. Any small amount is bad. But you have to just, this is what I say to a lot of people, think about and realize what you want.

Whether you turn out to be a paranoid, psychotic ******* like me or a good person, either is better than where you or even I was at. I live in repentance for the guilty sin I have commited. I ruined my parents lives. I have this bookmark, of a reddit post. This girl, she was sexually abused by her father. She was forced to be in child pornography. Can you believe this? I can. But everytime I think about it I just.. I can't stop myself, the adrenaline, the will to kill those bastards who wronged her. No one should be wronged.

I'm sorry, I know this isn't going to help much. This is more of me telling you I know how you feel. What I typed up, isn't all there is too me. I've faced worse after the masturbation addiction, but it was definitely a catalyst to a spiraling staircase that took me down to somewhere I don't want to ever go again. And I don't want anyone else to.

I'd like to talk more, if you'd like, JHK.
 
You've let a lot of honeysuckle get out of control JHK. If you don't get your life under control it probably will be the end for you. Figure out where to start and set a doable goal. Maybe moving the hell away from your current location would be a good start. That is if the cops and courts will let you. Or if you don't owe money to some really bad guys.......

Your probs are out of my pay grade but I'd like to hear back from you sometime with some better news.
 
Droopy said:
I ruined both my parents lives when I was 8.

I stopped being the me who could be a happy go lucky, normal person then.

I went into a masturbation addiction when I was 12? 12-15/17. It ruined my life. But it was, like any addiction, a way to escape reality. The reality of myself just wanting the Devil to slit my throat. I still get tingles just thinking about having my throat slit. The sudden shock of pain. But anyway, sorry, don't need to try and feed my ego here. It ruined my life. Those could have been the best moments of my life. But now after finally getting out of that. I'm too old to enjoy the sweetness of young teenage years. You'll only realize how sweet that is, when you actually look at life the same way I do.

Hahaha, you're probably laughing, a masturbation addiction? This guy's a ******* nut. Well, I busted a lot of nuts- okay sorry for the puns. I masturbated for 1 hour at least, when I was deep in the addiction. It would help me escape the guilty loser I am. I would always have some attractive girl to be with me and love me. Because that's all I want.

Fast forward now. I'm analysing my feelings and instincts all the time, but also putting them in their place and respecting them. Obviously, you can't do the same with drugs. You can't just use it every now and then. Any small amount is bad. But you have to just, this is what I say to a lot of people, think about and realize what you want.

Whether you turn out to be a paranoid, psychotic ******* like me or a good person, either is better than where you or even I was at. I live in repentance for the guilty sin I have commited. I ruined my parents lives. I have this bookmark, of a reddit post. This girl, she was sexually abused by her father. She was forced to be in child pornography. Can you believe this? I can. But everytime I think about it I just.. I can't stop myself, the adrenaline, the will to kill those bastards who wronged her. No one should be wronged.

I'm sorry, I know this isn't going to help much. This is more of me telling you I know how you feel. What I typed up, isn't all there is too me. I've faced worse after the masturbation addiction, but it was definitely a catalyst to a spiraling staircase that took me down to somewhere I don't want to ever go again. And I don't want anyone else to.

I'd like to talk more, if you'd like, JHK.
I don't think it is the end I think it's a whole lot more like a beginning.... it's not as if your past masturbation addiction is somehow unique...these days with ready access to Internet porn M. A. is creating problems for very many young people and because in many ways the addiction is psychological the impact of excessive masturbation can create erectile dysfunction but not deter the addict from masturbating...the net result of this is a hugely negative effect on self esteem and a sure fire way into depression.
So that's in the past and your quite rightly putting it where it belongs...dissociating from it...it was unfortunate and I know that's not a remotely adequate word ..but it would have been triggered in all likelihood by extreme stress..sadly none of us can reclaim the past but we can put it where it belongs
 
I don't think it is the end I think it's a whole lot more like a beginning.... it's not as if your past masturbation addiction is somehow unique...these days with ready access to Internet porn M. A. is creating problems for very many young people and because in many ways the addiction is psychological the impact of excessive masturbation can create erectile dysfunction but not deter the addict from masturbating...the net result of this is a hugely negative effect on self esteem and a sure fire way into depression.
So that's in the past and your quite rightly putting it where it belongs...dissociating from it...it was unfortunate and I know that's not a remotely adequate word ..but it would have been triggered in all likelihood by extreme stress..sadly none of us can reclaim the past but we can put it where it belongs

Which is what I'm doing. But it's not the first or the last life changingly horrendous experience I was to have. That's what I want to tell the OP.
 
Droopy said:
I don't think it is the end I think it's a whole lot more like a beginning.... it's not as if your past masturbation addiction is somehow unique...these days with ready access to Internet porn M. A. is creating problems for very many young people and because in many ways the addiction is psychological the impact of excessive masturbation can create erectile dysfunction but not deter the addict from masturbating...the net result of this is a hugely negative effect on self esteem and a sure fire way into depression.
So that's in the past and your quite rightly putting it where it belongs...dissociating from it...it was unfortunate and I know that's not a remotely adequate word ..but it would have been triggered in all likelihood by extreme stress..sadly none of us can reclaim the past but we can put it where it belongs

Which is what I'm doing. But it's not the first or the last life changingly horrendous experience I was to have. That's what I want to tell the OP.

For me all the hugely damaging negative experience I was subjected to I eventually decided to completely disengage with, this meant no longer permitting those responsible to engage my thoughts by viewing them as non existent . By doing this I have been able to separate out and am now far less prone to debilitating depression ...sometimes creating an internal wall is the only way forward when it's totally clear the issues your having to deal with have no means of resolution...sadly this may well apply to a person's parents..members of your own family the people in the very best position to inflict ongoing damage..wether through evil intention, staggering ignorance or a combination of both.
Never forgive the unforgivable, attach the hurt to those it belongs to and let it remain there
 
Along with the others before me, I can only encourage you to seek some professional help in the nearest future. Even just calling a help hotline can be the first step. In the meantime though, replace whatever space the drugs inhabit in your life right now with something less destructive. Preferably constructive. I don't know what you are interested in, but fill this space with something productive or creative that occupies your mind without slowly killing it even further. I seem to recall you were reading books at some point, so this is one thing to invest time and thought in.

Sometimes we even have to be completely alone for that purpose. Evaluating what people who have an interest in seeing us alive and well have told us...and coming to the right conclusion in the end. Everyone knows it's difficult to detach yourself from the sins of the fathers, mothers, siblings and our own ones on top of it all. But you got your own way to go and it really doesn't have to end up in a random roadside ditch unless you let it happen.

I guess I rambled on long enough here. What I'm saying is that there are obviously a lot of people in here who listen and do want to see you take control of your own life and turn it around. I certainly don't like to see a guy scapegoating and antagonizing himself. I know you can do better than that, like we all owe it to ourselves to do better and turn into a person worthy of self-respect...

PS: Are you working or are you engaged in any sort of part-time activity right now, JHK?
 
sothatwasmylife said:
Droopy said:
..members of your own family the people in the very best position to inflict ongoing damage..wether through evil intention, staggering ignorance or a combination of both.
Never forgive the unforgivable, attach the hurt to those it belongs to and let it remain there

This is probably straying off topic, but these sentiments speak very strongly to my own experiences. I have not forgiven my clan for producing one damaged generation of offspring after the other. I'd like to suppress the memories and forget them forever, but they dwell within me. I've resolved not to repeat the same blunders myself....time will tell how successful I've been. I'm not really all that optimistic about it.
 
constant stranger said:
sothatwasmylife said:
Droopy said:
..members of your own family the people in the very best position to inflict ongoing damage..wether through evil intention, staggering ignorance or a combination of both.
Never forgive the unforgivable, attach the hurt to those it belongs to and let it remain there

This is probably straying off topic, but these sentiments speak very strongly to my own experiences. I have not forgiven my clan for producing one damaged generation of offspring after the other. I'd like to suppress the memories and forget them forever, but they dwell within me. I've resolved not to repeat the same blunders myself....time will tell how successful I've been. I'm not really all that optimistic about it.

I won't forget my bad experiences or move on. It always comes back to bite me and I can't accept it. I will stop crime by becoming a detective at some point in my life.
 
Firstly, I feel I should apologize. I didn't mean to make anyone feel bad or that they couldn't give me a "cure", so to speak. I know I'm my own worst enemy and I feel like I'm too far gone so I don't expect anyone to have any answers that will fix me. But I have to vent sometimes and I have no one that's on any sort of neutral ground. Sometimes I'm just looking for a pat on the head, sort of, that I'm not 100% wrong before the final curtain drop.

I spent the last 7 weeks in jail (I got picked up because someone - I have no confirmation but I've speculated) called the RCMP because they were worried about my mental state and I had 3 warrants for my arrest for failure to appears) and ended up with a few more charges due to certain things being found in my pick up (most of them dropped, at least). Cops must talk a lot because I've seen more psychiatrists and psychologists in the seven weeks I was in jail then I have in my entire 22 years.

After I was released they called Ads for me because they wouldn't release me without someone who was willing to take charge of me for at least two days because of that phone call and I'm sure it's more of a liability on their end then genuine concern but anyhow... And so I sat there, drinking beer silently, with my best friend. He knows me well enough not to bother much with idle chat. I think I destroyed every label while he watched and just stayed with me.

It was him that I made that ******* promise too. It was him that pleaded with the cops to put an APB out on my truck last time and managed to track me down before it was too late. It was him that sat with me in the hospital and endured my curses and screams when I woke up there because I was never supposed too. It was him that helped me walk again after our last accident. It was him that took care of me after I punctured my lung and him that stayed with me, day after day, in that hospital when my parents refused to come.

I know I didn't try anything this time but I can tell what's running through his mind when he looks at me and it's enough to make me feel like honeysuckle because I know I'm the cause of all the hurt I see and he hasn't done anything to deserve it. He knows that the cops confiscated a Kimber .45 1911 - something I never told him about. So he did was he does for me before I kicked him to bed with his girlfriend. Poor girl, I take a lot of his time from her, but she's a saint.

He's been trying to get me to move in with him but I will probably make a move soon. He grew up in a less then ideal home situation as well and he's worked his ass off to get clean and keep his girl and make a life for himself. I couldn't have picked a better partner for himself then Alexis. She is patient and loving and forgiving and has nursed both of us back to health after our car wreck and several other terrible ideas that I came up with and treats me just as well as she does Ads. But she's also worked hard to get him where he is and usually when we hang up he follows me into my stupid ideas where it's a three day event of running from the cops and sneaking into the house blood on us somewhere. As a long recovered alcoholic, she knows that slope between sobriety and using is extremely steep and treacherous and I don't think either one of us could forgive me if I was responsible for his relapse. It's a hell of a lot easier of an excuse then saying I can't stand the guilt I feel when he looks at me. How sad, eh? He's the only person I felt a real connection with in my entire life and I can't stand to be around him because of my shame. God, I'm an *******.

So, I'll probably go in a day or two. I just don't know where I'm going to go too or what I'm going to do. I've been clean now for 7.5 weeks. I really want to stay this way but I just can't see it happening. I don't know anyone else, other then one, who isn't a happy drug addict. This time of year it's gets cold living out of the truck. I keep thinking of ways to go gets some, telling myself I can use a little and won't let it get too far, that once won't hurt and I know it's all a blatant lie. I'm curbing that urge with my first addictive friend, alcohol, but after the speed it just doesn't quite hold the same allure.

It's these moments that are the worst. The ones were emotions and realizations of being a complete ******* inadequate failure at life as both a son and a friend. Where grief and pain and hurt and anger attack my entire being, catching me at my weakest because I have no numbing agent between them and I - This is when I know I'm not strong enough to get through life sober.

I have no denial. I am a chicken honeysuckle. I'm too afraid to haul up and with my past the way I should. I prefer to bury. I have no ability to pain and fear head on so I hide behind the drugs because who I am high is not who I am sober. When I'm high, I can be the outgoing, loud mouthed, cocky, charming bad boy that gets all the girls and can laugh and smile and joke. When I'm sober, I revert almost to my 15 year old self when I realized that my parents left me behind and I would rather suffer the beatings then be left out on my own. And this version of me is powerless to do nothing but hide and get numb, get numb and hide.

I've been thinking about going to see my brother's grave. Matthew died about 2 years before I was born. I've never met him but I have been to his grave before, drug there and shoved down in one of my parents many "This is the son you should have been" moments. But I don't know what it is I think I'll get out of it. I used to hate him, as a child, but I've let that go. He really had nothing to do with anything. He died at 17 drinking and driving and my parents never got over it.

And you know, I don't know why I hurt so bad for them when I know, without a sliver of doubt, that if killing me and putting me in that grave would bring Matthew back they would do it in a heartbeat, that they'd forget about me in a half second and there would be no grief. I imagine they are still mourning his death. I highly doubt I ever cross their minds. So why?

Despite the father-son/mother-daughter thing (not that I really know honeysuckle about it) it's my mother that I miss terribly. I wish I could have been what they needed for a son but I couldn't. Not to say she didn't beat me, because she did, but she could never reach the level of cruelty that my father did. He made me do things that went way beyond any scope of abuse that I don't think I could ever forgive him. Some say that not doing anything to stop him and letting him to do to me as he pleased is just as bad or worse and maybe it is, but I can't help longing for her, to know what's like to be ferociously loved by a mom. So I guess it's the idea, really. Maybe not even her, per say.

I'll never know, I guess. They left me when I was 15 to find the house full of strangers and no way to find them. They told the surgeon who was trying to reach them to sign a waiver for surgery and medical care when I punctured my lung with one of my ribs and had a brain hemorrhage that I would be 18 in less then a week so if I was still alive to give consent I deserved the surgery and oh well if I didn't. I was traded enough times to a friend for the night in my 11-13 range in exchange for crack. I've been made to wear a collar so tight I could hardly breathe and chained outside. I've fought underneath him as he choked me out more times then I can count. I fell down more stairs and walked into my doors then half the population probably will. So I don't know why I'm so messed in the head that I'm so stuck on not being able to be the person that they wanted me to be.

And I have no idea why I'm rambling on like this. This is why I hate sobriety. All these memories and thoughts keep flooding up and I can't seem to get them back into that hole I dug in the back of my head so I can pretend that they don't exist. Using, I get a little bit of a break from my own head and it's so much easier to get through the day.


Well, in the span of writing this (it may have taken only a few minutes to read but I've been writing this for 8 hours because I can only get a few paragraphs then I need a mental break) I got a call from my lovely lady friend mentioned in the first post. Lovely lady just doesn't fit though. She is... almost indescribable and all the things that one would normally say just sound too cliche and unworthy.

She is sort of like oxygen. I don't know if anyone has ever gone into the emergency room and been put on an oxygen machine but when I did it made me dizzy and my stomach flip and my heart race and it was just SO MUCH that I kept trying to pull the mask off but it was also such a relief just to be able to get a full breath of something pure - that's what she is like.

The whole while I'm with her I can't settle and it's almost like I'm borderline sick but it's so **** good that I can't keep this smile off my face but it doesn't matter because she is all there is when I'm with her. She is so entirely beautiful that it almost hurts and the quality of all that she is is so much you could almost cry just looking at her. Like the tears of a happy ending when the whole scene could have been entirely tragic. I'm sure that all sounds ridiculous but it's the best I got and I'm not used to this sort of thing. She scares the honeysuckle out of me but I enjoy every second. We've fooled around a bit of course - I'm not dead yet - and sometimes lying there with her is excruciating but so far I've been able to keep my brain in front of my hormones, if just barely, but I don't want to be that cruel. She is too kind-hearted, too innocent for the likes of me. I can't stand the thought of subjecting her to me because she has so much more to offer and I'm scared I'd just put out her light instead of letting it shine.

Anyway, she got ahold of me to see if I was okay. There was an awkward silence when I mentioned jail and I had left her place the night I got arrested, so I believe I have pegged down the caller but I didn't let on I figured it was her. I told her that I was thankful, anyway, because I needed the break from the drugs because, even if my head doesn't agree, my body did. I'm 5'9" and was sitting around 120-130lbs but I managed to get a few pounds on in jail. She asked if I could give her hand cutting firewood and I'm sure I"m not needed and it's just an excuse to see me and I want too. I've missed her, a lot. But I can see her falling and I don't know what is right because I don't want to hurt her anymore then I have/will so I don't know what's ultimately best for her. I've always only had myself to think about so it's easy for me to be an inconsiderate *******. I told her I'd let her know in a day or so, that I had appointments with my doctor and probation officer to deal with first. Which is mostly true - I do have a doctors appointment to get the anti-depressants and other meds the psychiatrist put me on because I told Aiden I would and it's the least I can do for him and I figure it can't hurt in the mean time.

Here, I can see people shaking their heads and saying "Listen to this puke, he has a lot more then most to live for and he wants to throw his life away" and you're right. People like Aiden and Shay don't come along very often, not of their quality. I'm not oblivious to that and I cherish every moment I have with them because they both have that ability to shed their light on my darkness, even it words, it seems. But these moments are rare. It's hard, especially when you know you don't deserve an ounce of them. Most of the time I'm stuck in this horror loop that was my childhood and my entire life of failures. It's never that they weren't enough to keep me here, but I was (am) never enough for life. If that makes sense?

It's hard trying to hold onto any semblance of normality or joy when everything seems to be a billboard for what I could never be and will never have; when you wake up remembering memories of the past and it's still the same horror show that you went to bed watching. It's hard, and I'm spent.
Literally, now. It's 1am and I can't say anymore. I just wanted to apologize and know that I'm not expecting any fixes I just... need to let it out somewhere so... I'm sorry, but thank you.
 
I'm glad that you shared all of that. So you're 22 years old? You've really been through the honeysuckle for a guy that young. Make yourself right, man and live a long life....if you can get yourself right, you ought to be in a position to be one hell of an effective mentor for people who could use some help.

But for now, every day tell yourself I'm not getting high today. That's it, today I'm not getting high. That is a doable goal....just today. And every day.

Of course there's that whole shitload of other issues too, but if you give in to the lure of speed you can just forget about resolving any of the other stuff. Stay clean and focus on some practical stuff like a place to live, talking your way into a job....and be good to that lady. That's pretty important too. Every day, you're not getting high and you're gonna be good to the lady and you're gonna get a paying job and a place to live. OK?
 
It takes courage to face upto one's issues. These bad thoughts are on your mind because they need healing, the mind can't heal itself, it's up to you to put the effort in.
Try not to reinforce negative thoughts or behaviours too. Take the time to re-express yourself in a positive way because you will raise your self esteem.
 
constant stranger said:
....and be good to that lady.  That's pretty important too.

I'm sorry for cutting the rest out, it's just I see this as the only important aspect right now (Yes I'm 22, I think I'd be a terrible person to have in self help... I just can't see it). 
I've gotten high once since I've been out (I suppose the amount is relevant - it wasn't much but it was some) five days ago and it made me feel like honeysuckle. Not physically. 


But as for Shay, I think it'd probably be best if I just don't go around. It's probably better if she doesn't see me, if I just disappear and let her move on. She has a good thing with her family going on there and plans for the future and she doesn't need... Me. So I probably just...won't.
 
Glad you're still here, JHK, thanks for the updates. I read your initial post when I was still just a lurker and it stuck with me. Maybe you should write a book someday, the contents of your life you've shared remind me of Dennis Johnson stories and you have a good voice and clearly the nature to sit down and think about things. I would read it.

I really just want to say that I hope you can want to quit the hard drugs, especially with the break it could be the boost you need to give your body and mind a chance to reset, and stop the cycle of adding any more major negative events to your repertoire. I doubt there are any new lessons for you in any new self induced calamities. I kept getting the same lessons over and over and refusing to act like I got it. No self control. It does come from not caring about yourself I think, but I don't know where the not caring about yourself comes from. Emotional neglect? No idea.

If I had just quit or even dialed back my lifestyle at 25, 27, 33, more than I told myself I did, I might be in a place where I could give you some decent advice. I have never been able to control myself and it just ends up in a longer and longer list of grievances against myself, which doesn't help one get 'better' at whatever behavior they've decided to use to numb themselves against actual living.

I can tell you're smart and aware, and the self destruction and hyper sensitivity (that often gnaws away until you have to synthetically mute it) runs rampant a lot of times in the over thinkers. Don't give up on yourself. Don't damage your brain permanently either just because you don't believe in a future now, I promise you that will eventually change, and that you will regret the major destruction you embarked on so surely in your youth. My stepbrother is your age and strung out too, and I will repeat these things to him but know he won't hear them in his haze of daily use. If you're clean right now try to get the good messages the people who love you are sharing. Only you can help yourself but it sounds like you see your support system right now, so maybe do grab their hands. They're not unaware of what they're getting into, give them some credit.

Two nights ago I wrote this giant confessional of all the things I hate about all the things I've done, I was about to post it, but then I thought maybe I'd write a positive list of things I actually love, just simple things like dancing and sourdough, and then I moved on to a list of things I forgive. I definitely hesitated with a few and had to explore them further them before I was ready to write it down and tell myself that I did forgive it, which I can only really grasp as letting it go from where they scratch and dig into my psyche and heart, and some weird release happened overnight (I know this is where everyone rolls their eyes and stops reading). But it did, I woke up, and I felt ok. This pit, like this literal pit of pain I can instantly activate with thoughts and burst into tears at a moment's notice, wasn't so accessible. I didn't really do anything except make a list and outline and write "I forgive xxx for. xxx" " I forgive myself for xx". It got longer and longer, 20 years of mistakes and incursions and offenses against the child I was.

I'm sure if we all look we can find good things, however small, that we might miss when we're finally dying, so I'm going to work on embracing those things while I still can and just dumping the rest. I know I'm being glib and making it sound so easy, but what was easy for me was using all those resentments and bad memories to fuel my negative state of self destruction. I'm old enough now to try to make an effort. I think I want to have children, or at least a child, and I'm not going to do that if I'm still going to flip out with some hardcore destructiveness, because that's what my mother did to me, and at 35 I'm just now getting over it all.

I'm sorry for the ramble, just really hope you can use this time to get off the meth or the heroin or whatever it is you're doing to mash down whatever it is you don't want to feel.

Thanks again for your story. Glad I found this group too.
 
littlefish1555 said:
Glad you're still here, JHK, thanks for the updates.  I read your initial post when I was still just a lurker and it stuck with me.  Maybe you should write a book someday, the contents of your life you've shared remind me of Dennis Johnson stories and you have a good voice and clearly the nature to sit down and think about things.  I would read it.    

I really just want to say that I hope you can want to quit the hard drugs, especially with the break it could be the boost you need to give your body and mind a chance to reset, and stop the cycle of adding any more major negative events to your repertoire. I doubt there are any new lessons for you in any new self induced calamities.  I kept getting the same lessons over and over and refusing to act like I got it.  No self control.  It does come from not caring about yourself I think, but I don't know where the not caring about yourself comes from.  Emotional neglect? No idea.    

If I had just quit or even dialed back my lifestyle at 25, 27, 33, more than I told myself I did, I might be in a place where I could give you some decent advice.  I have never been able to control myself and it just ends up in a longer and longer list of grievances against myself, which doesn't help one get 'better' at whatever behavior they've decided to use to numb themselves against actual living.  

I can tell you're smart and aware, and the self destruction and hyper sensitivity (that often gnaws away until you have to synthetically mute it) runs rampant a lot of times in the over thinkers.  Don't give up on yourself.  Don't damage your brain permanently either just because you don't believe in a future now, I promise you that will eventually change, and that you will regret the major destruction you embarked on so surely in your youth.  My stepbrother is your age and strung out too, and I will repeat these things to him but know he won't hear them in his haze of daily use.   If you're clean right now try to get the good messages the people who love you are sharing.  Only you can help yourself but it sounds like you see your support system right now, so maybe do grab their hands.  They're not unaware of what they're getting into, give them some credit.  

Two nights ago I wrote this giant confessional of all the things I hate about all the things I've done, I was about to post it, but then I thought maybe I'd write a positive list of things I actually love, just simple things like dancing and sourdough, and then I moved on to a list of things I forgive.  I definitely hesitated with a few and had to explore them further them before I was ready to write it down and tell myself that I did forgive it, which I can only really grasp as letting it go from where they scratch and dig into my psyche and heart, and some weird release happened overnight (I know this is where everyone rolls their eyes and stops reading).  But it did, I woke up, and I felt ok.  This pit, like this literal pit of pain I can instantly activate with thoughts and burst into tears at a moment's notice,  wasn't so accessible.  I didn't really do anything except make a list and outline and write "I forgive xxx for. xxx" " I forgive myself for xx".  It got longer and longer, 20 years of mistakes and incursions and offenses against the child I was.  

I'm sure if we all look we can find good things, however small, that we might miss when we're finally dying, so I'm going to work on embracing those things while I still can and just dumping the rest.  I know I'm being glib and making it sound so easy, but what was easy for me was using all those resentments and bad memories to fuel my negative state of self destruction.    I'm old enough now to try to make an effort.  I think I want to have children, or at least a child, and I'm not going to do that if I'm still going to flip out with some hardcore destructiveness, because that's what my mother did to me, and at 35 I'm just now getting over it all.    

I'm sorry for the ramble, just really hope you can use this time to get off the meth or the heroin or whatever it is you're doing to mash down whatever it is you don't want to feel.  

Thanks again for your story.  Glad I found this group too.


That's actually something my psychiatrist wanted me to do - then I could publish/burn/worship it was I needed too. I have stopped and started so many times and it's hard because I tend to get pulled back and relive every memory and it's tough on my current psyche to not... be able to hide from it, I guess. I have a slight start, I guess you could say, but I don't know... I don't know if I can do it from an "I" point of view or if it'd be easier from a third person party of if I can do it at all. 

I have a hard time with finding the positives and things I like and the grateful game because I truly don't feel like I deserve to be happy and or enjoy anything. I get compliments and my anxiety ******* sky rockets and I have to go. It's like someone has a gun to my head, only it shoots something way worse then bullets. I don't know what's wrong with me but I just can't handle it. So someone pushes,  because I need to be able to just say one good thing about me, and it doesn't stop I get mad and turn into a right ******* because I'm sure if I don't get a handle on what's going on inside of me right then.... What? I don't know. But no one wants to try and keep helping this ungrateful prick. And I can't blame them. 

I had a slip once and isolated myself again. I still see my AADAC counsellor once a week and of course my probation officer once every two weeks and working myself up to NA Meetings and trying to find work where I don't know anyone because I literally have two sober people in my life and I was sort of warned off the one so... I don't know. It's going, I guess. I suppose I could say I'm clean. Some days are much worse. I still don't really, truly want to be here but I seem to be making it work somehow, for now.
 
I just joined this site one week ago and just reading all of these experiences from real people is so powerful. It's even therapeutic. But I'm not here just to take and take. I try and post something twice a day. And the fact that all of us on this website and checking in, posting regularly, or reading another's experiences shows that all hope is not lost. We are all struggling ... we are all battling ... we are all fighting. Sometimes, but not all the time, that's life. We either keep fighting, battling, and struggling or just give up and possibly end up in a box and there is absolutely NO WAY I am putting myself there, not while there is still breathe in my body. No excuse me while I step down from my soap box.
 

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