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Do you just not meet people you like anymore?
#21
(01-27-2017, 02:00 PM)Tealeaf Wrote: I sometimes feel this way, but I also know that casual friendships or "fair-weather" ones don't really interest me. I don't find it fulfilling as I'm getting older to spend a lot of time on superficial socializing with people I don't really know (and likely never will) at meetups or over social media. I crave close friendships with people I can truly rely on and open up to, and those are rare.

I feel the same.  I only have time for so much in my life so I want to make sure that everyone I spend time on counts to me in some way.  I've seen real-life connections happen from talking to people on social media, so I believe you can actually get to know someone over social media and form a real, meaningful connection that could manifest in real life.  I just wish I knew how to do it.  

(03-18-2017, 08:06 AM)Tealeaf Wrote: Recently I tried to meet other friends and singles online in the area. So many of them were into drinking, clubbing, weed, sports, and TV even in their 20's and 30's...

Yeah, I have this problem too.  I can't even count the number of online dating profiles I've seen that list some combination of these things as their interests.  I don't have much interest in getting to know this type of person.  There isn't much I could relate to them about and I don't think there's much they could do for me either.  It makes me wonder what I'm going to do.  I don't know where I fit in either.  I am nice, and not really much of a rule-breaker, but I'm not 100% straight-laced either, I used to smoke weed and I've had a few psychedelic experiences and I don't really talk much about normal topics like sports or the news or celebrities.  I find that I'm not wild enough for the wild ones, but just because the more normal ones are nice doesn't mean there is anything about them that excites me or makes me curious.  The ones I've liked have always been a little more on the wild side than me, but they also had some intellectual depth to them that made them really unique and interesting.  Sure, some of them smoked weed, but they liked a bunch of other things as well which made them fun to talk to, as opposed to the crowd you described.  I think there's a difference between unique people that might do a few of those things, and typical stoners that are all more or less the same.  Unfortunately, I was very far behind them socially so that was an issue.  But these regular drinking/clubbing/weed types are not the same thing...the uniqueness and depth is just not there.  I don't think they would give me the kinds of conversations, experiences, and connections I'm looking for.  But it seems like it's either them, or the more conservative, professional types.  I don't feel like either is a very appealing option but as it stands now, there's not really much else.



(03-20-2017, 12:55 AM)michael2 Wrote: I was looking through videos about social issues etc on the internet and I came across this guy who said "just because you are nice to people does not mean people have to like you back".

I dont agree with that statement at all - because its attempting to coverup the ugly side of many people today, that is most people do not choose to like you as a friend if they feel you cannot better their life or do something for them.  Most of the time its selfish.  All too often I've talked to people and get the "invisible wall" put up between me and them.  Im sure you know what Im talking about when I mention people putting up a wall between you and them when talking.  Your not even given a chance,  you've been judged by your appearance and have been found someone undesirable to them.

Correct me if Im wrong,  but I feel you are like me,  the way we view people is very different from the way others view people.  It can be summed up in these words by Will Rogers:  "I never met a man that I didnt like."  Thats me,  and Im thinking its you too.  However, it may come to a shock to you that this is not the case for maybe 95%+ of people.  They have very narrow views of what makes someone a possible friend, usually its based around who can do something for them or better their life.  Again, selfish reasons.  Thats where 'nice isnt good enough' spawned from.  Most people dont give a crap about you if they feel you cant improve their life in some way.  Its all about them, its never about them improving your life,  its all about them doing all the draining from you.

Dont let them change who you are.  Starting to not care about other people is making you like them.


I feel this too.  I've seen a lot of people saying in various places things like that, "nice is not good enough" and "just because you are nice to someone doesn't mean they have to like you back" and while it might not be completely false, I do also get the feeling that people just use those ideas as excuses for justifying their own lousy behavior.  It's just like you said, they're trying to cover up their own ugly side.  I feel like we are living in some kind of Age of the Douchebag, men and women alike, where more and more people view niceness as old-fashioned and weak and being selfish, obnoxious, rude, trashy, and mean are seen as status and strength.  I feel like people these days just want to play social status games, trying to climb the ladder while at the same time sneering down and pointing at those they feel superior to.  I've also felt like people these days judge you on your standing and what you can do for them, instead of just trying to get along - it's all about your money, popularity and status, "edginess", or physical power.  I agree that the invisible wall exists, but to me, is more about coolness than appearance.  

I try not to be this way myself.  I try to just be friendly and not bring people down for sport or pick on those weaker than me.  And I've met quite a few people that do indeed better my life, and one of the ways they do it is indeed by being nice, just being willing to talk with me instead of caring about whether or not I have power or social status.  

I am trying to cultivate more good traits about me as well as being nice, so I can be more interesting to others and to myself.  But I too would like to see people stop trashing niceness as weak, "uncool", and worthless.  




(03-20-2017, 12:06 PM)Eternitydreamer Wrote: I find people generally cold and not sensitive to others. Women are really into catty "friendships". Their lifestyle is mostly sex, smokes, alcohol, clubs, bars and parties. I have never been like that. I'm a born-again Christian. I am into a nice board game, karaoke, hugs..
The people I like never like me back so what's the point. I think we will get along then they completely snub me and go to someone else. I have never talked about my faith to anyone unless asked. Like an older woman today asked me about a cross I have on my shoes. I try my best to talk up but they go to each other and avoid me. The woman who asked about my shoes asked why I don't go to church and I said I don't get along with people and she said awkwardly "you're ok". 
I'm a really emotional, caring and loving person. I'd do anything for someone but can't get anyone to like me back. 
Somehow my personality can't click with anyone online or offline. They don't want to let me speak, respect me or value my thoughts or feelings. If I speak or tell a joke, it's radio silence or a funny look. They change convos to being about them and aren't interested in anything I say. I genuinely care about everyone I meet and do want friendships but somehow it just doesn't happen. I often get talked over and when I'm still talking they completely talk over me to another person like I'm not even there. It happened to today and I'm sick of being treated like this. This is so insanely rude and even my mother treats me the same. I've always felt invisible. 
I have never once had a boyfriend or any relationships apart from a really fake friendship I had years back when I was just 13. Not getting into it but she never EVER liked me.
I have a shy, kind, but bland personality so maybe I just can't find anyone in the world like me. I like stuffed animals, the colour pink, fashion, pastel colours and kind of have a sweet and sugary personality. I'm not loud by any means. I'm obese and blonde too. I never compliment myself, just stating the sort of personality I have.
I just wanted to let you know that I relate a lot to what you said there, Eternitydreamer.  I have often found people to be cold and catty, especially in school and even nowadays, among more mainstream people.  The lifestyle is a lot like you described - drinking, smoking, drugs, clubs, bars, and parties, as well as parading around their wealth, status, brute strength, or defiance.  I'm also more into being friendly than into being "cool" and playing these dominance games.  
Fortunately, I have a great group of friends in real life, and I've met some pretty good people online too.  I have also been described as having a sweet personality,  but at the same time, I too have wondered if my personality is too bland.  Anyway.  Just wanted to say I feel for you.  I think your interests sound very cute, by the way Smile
If you are interested in connecting on Skype or Facebook, send me a Private Message here and I'll get back to you.
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#22
(4 hours ago)TheSkaFish Wrote: I feel this too.  I've seen a lot of people saying in various places things like that, "nice is not good enough" and "just because you are nice to someone doesn't mean they have to like you back" and while it might not be completely false, I do also get the feeling that people just use those ideas as excuses for justifying their own lousy behavior.  It's just like you said, they're trying to cover up their own ugly side.  I feel like we are living in some kind of Age of the Douchebag, men and women alike, where more and more people view niceness as old-fashioned and weak and being selfish, obnoxious, rude, trashy, and mean are seen as status and strength.

The 'nice is not enough' schtick is often just a shutdown tactic. Plenty of people who aren't decent in any sense of the word still find their way into relationships.
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#23
(4 hours ago)TheSkaFish Wrote:
(01-27-2017, 02:00 PM)Tealeaf Wrote: I sometimes feel this way, but I also know that casual friendships or "fair-weather" ones don't really interest me. I don't find it fulfilling as I'm getting older to spend a lot of time on superficial socializing with people I don't really know (and likely never will) at meetups or over social media. I crave close friendships with people I can truly rely on and open up to, and those are rare.

I feel the same.  I only have time for so much in my life so I want to make sure that everyone I spend time on counts to me in some way.  I've seen real-life connections happen from talking to people on social media, so I believe you can actually get to know someone over social media and form a real, meaningful connection that could manifest in real life.  I just wish I knew how to do it.  

(03-18-2017, 08:06 AM)Tealeaf Wrote: Recently I tried to meet other friends and singles online in the area. So many of them were into drinking, clubbing, weed, sports, and TV even in their 20's and 30's...

Yeah, I have this problem too.  I can't even count the number of online dating profiles I've seen that list some combination of these things as their interests.  I don't have much interest in getting to know this type of person.  There isn't much I could relate to them about and I don't think there's much they could do for me either.  It makes me wonder what I'm going to do.  I don't know where I fit in either.  I am nice, and not really much of a rule-breaker, but I'm not 100% straight-laced either, I used to smoke weed and I've had a few psychedelic experiences and I don't really talk much about normal topics like sports or the news or celebrities.  I find that I'm not wild enough for the wild ones, but just because the more normal ones are nice doesn't mean there is anything about them that excites me or makes me curious.  The ones I've liked have always been a little more on the wild side than me, but they also had some intellectual depth to them that made them really unique and interesting.  Sure, some of them smoked weed, but they liked a bunch of other things as well which made them fun to talk to, as opposed to the crowd you described.  I think there's a difference between unique people that might do a few of those things, and typical stoners that are all more or less the same.  Unfortunately, I was very far behind them socially so that was an issue.  But these regular drinking/clubbing/weed types are not the same thing...the uniqueness and depth is just not there.  I don't think they would give me the kinds of conversations, experiences, and connections I'm looking for.  But it seems like it's either them, or the more conservative, professional types.  I don't feel like either is a very appealing option but as it stands now, there's not really much else.



(03-20-2017, 12:55 AM)michael2 Wrote: I was looking through videos about social issues etc on the internet and I came across this guy who said "just because you are nice to people does not mean people have to like you back".

I dont agree with that statement at all - because its attempting to coverup the ugly side of many people today, that is most people do not choose to like you as a friend if they feel you cannot better their life or do something for them.  Most of the time its selfish.  All too often I've talked to people and get the "invisible wall" put up between me and them.  Im sure you know what Im talking about when I mention people putting up a wall between you and them when talking.  Your not even given a chance,  you've been judged by your appearance and have been found someone undesirable to them.

Correct me if Im wrong,  but I feel you are like me,  the way we view people is very different from the way others view people.  It can be summed up in these words by Will Rogers:  "I never met a man that I didnt like."  Thats me,  and Im thinking its you too.  However, it may come to a shock to you that this is not the case for maybe 95%+ of people.  They have very narrow views of what makes someone a possible friend, usually its based around who can do something for them or better their life.  Again, selfish reasons.  Thats where 'nice isnt good enough' spawned from.  Most people dont give a crap about you if they feel you cant improve their life in some way.  Its all about them, its never about them improving your life,  its all about them doing all the draining from you.

Dont let them change who you are.  Starting to not care about other people is making you like them.


I feel this too.  I've seen a lot of people saying in various places things like that, "nice is not good enough" and "just because you are nice to someone doesn't mean they have to like you back" and while it might not be completely false, I do also get the feeling that people just use those ideas as excuses for justifying their own lousy behavior.  It's just like you said, they're trying to cover up their own ugly side.  I feel like we are living in some kind of Age of the Douchebag, men and women alike, where more and more people view niceness as old-fashioned and weak and being selfish, obnoxious, rude, trashy, and mean are seen as status and strength.  I feel like people these days just want to play social status games, trying to climb the ladder while at the same time sneering down and pointing at those they feel superior to.  I've also felt like people these days judge you on your standing and what you can do for them, instead of just trying to get along - it's all about your money, popularity and status, "edginess", or physical power.  I agree that the invisible wall exists, but to me, is more about coolness than appearance.  

I try not to be this way myself.  I try to just be friendly and not bring people down for sport or pick on those weaker than me.  And I've met quite a few people that do indeed better my life, and one of the ways they do it is indeed by being nice, just being willing to talk with me instead of caring about whether or not I have power or social status.  

I am trying to cultivate more good traits about me as well as being nice, so I can be more interesting to others and to myself.  But I too would like to see people stop trashing niceness as weak, "uncool", and worthless.  




(03-20-2017, 12:06 PM)Eternitydreamer Wrote: I find people generally cold and not sensitive to others. Women are really into catty "friendships". Their lifestyle is mostly sex, smokes, alcohol, clubs, bars and parties. I have never been like that. I'm a born-again Christian. I am into a nice board game, karaoke, hugs..
The people I like never like me back so what's the point. I think we will get along then they completely snub me and go to someone else. I have never talked about my faith to anyone unless asked. Like an older woman today asked me about a cross I have on my shoes. I try my best to talk up but they go to each other and avoid me. The woman who asked about my shoes asked why I don't go to church and I said I don't get along with people and she said awkwardly "you're ok". 
I'm a really emotional, caring and loving person. I'd do anything for someone but can't get anyone to like me back. 
Somehow my personality can't click with anyone online or offline. They don't want to let me speak, respect me or value my thoughts or feelings. If I speak or tell a joke, it's radio silence or a funny look. They change convos to being about them and aren't interested in anything I say. I genuinely care about everyone I meet and do want friendships but somehow it just doesn't happen. I often get talked over and when I'm still talking they completely talk over me to another person like I'm not even there. It happened to today and I'm sick of being treated like this. This is so insanely rude and even my mother treats me the same. I've always felt invisible. 
I have never once had a boyfriend or any relationships apart from a really fake friendship I had years back when I was just 13. Not getting into it but she never EVER liked me.
I have a shy, kind, but bland personality so maybe I just can't find anyone in the world like me. I like stuffed animals, the colour pink, fashion, pastel colours and kind of have a sweet and sugary personality. I'm not loud by any means. I'm obese and blonde too. I never compliment myself, just stating the sort of personality I have.
I just wanted to let you know that I relate a lot to what you said there, Eternitydreamer.  I have often found people to be cold and catty, especially in school and even nowadays, among more mainstream people.  The lifestyle is a lot like you described - drinking, smoking, drugs, clubs, bars, and parties, as well as parading around their wealth, status, brute strength, or defiance.  I'm also more into being friendly than into being "cool" and playing these dominance games.  
Fortunately, I have a great group of friends in real life, and I've met some pretty good people online too.  I have also been described as having a sweet personality,  but at the same time, I too have wondered if my personality is too bland.  Anyway.  Just wanted to say I feel for you.  I think your interests sound very cute, by the way Smile
Haven't you said in the past that you didn't want to date an average girl because you'd be bored and unfulfilled? How is that different to the "nice is not enough." line?
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