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Afraid to meet new people.
#1
I've been feeling so miserable for the past few weeks. I don't know how to cope with loneliness. It just eats me up on the inside and I feel like I'll never be good enough to be someone's friend. I like to think that I'm better off on my own so I don't have to bother other people but deep inside I know that I want to be able to connect with one person at least. 

How do you go about putting yourself out there when you're probably going to get hurt/forgotten in the end? You can't stop someone from walking out of your life or pretend that you never existed but it hurts a lot. You see them moving on with their lives with new people and you're just there beating yourself up and too scared to come out to the world again. That's just how it is right? Things don't always go the way you want it to be. You just have to deal with it. It's easier to type this out than actually do it Smile

Be it online or real life, I would always ask myself if (1) it's worth it trying to get to know someone or (2) if someone would even like me for who I am. I don't feel confident at all but I try to make a good first impression. For example, there are subreddits like r/needafriend and I would think soo many times if I should even message someone or not. Online relationships are more fragile but there are fun and really nice people from some random part of the world who would hear you out even if it's temporary. When it comes to real life, I get really awkward and I tend to make people feel very uncomfortable. I don't know what to say to people most of the time. I want to say something but I'm scared if I were to say something dumb. 

Recently, one guy texted me and asked if I wanted to go out for dinner with him to get to know each other more but I declined. I blocked his number for some reason. I understand that both parties have to put in time and effort to make something work but I don't feel like I'm never going to be ready for it or open up to people again. I feel like I'm missing out a lot in life but it's all my fault. I can keep on beating myself up or you know...just meet people and see how it goes?
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#2
A lot of what you said are things I could have written myself.

I don't know how you could put yourself out there when you may or may not get hurt or be forgotten in the end. If I knew this I would have already did it and I would of course let you in on it. All I know is wherever I have been I eventually have been hurt by people. Sometimes right away, sometimes after awhile. Doesn't matter if it was at school or work or right here on this forum. The more I get beat up the harder it is for me to get up again. I do get up, but not right away and I can never forget what knocked me down in the first place.

I don't know what to say either to people in real life because I always want to say the right thing, the cool thing. I have trouble right after I get done saying hello. Then the other person notices I have a hard time talking and they make an excuse to leave. The key is to be comfortable and I don't know how to do that.
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#3
(10-12-2016, 12:37 PM)azuresky96 Wrote: I've been feeling so miserable for the past few weeks. I don't know how to cope with loneliness. It just eats me up on the inside and I feel like I'll never be good enough to be someone's friend. I like to think that I'm better off on my own so I don't have to bother other people but deep inside I know that I want to be able to connect with one person at least. 

How do you go about putting yourself out there when you're probably going to get hurt/forgotten in the end? You can't stop someone from walking out of your life or pretend that you never existed but it hurts a lot. You see them moving on with their lives with new people and you're just there beating yourself up and too scared to come out to the world again. That's just how it is right? Things don't always go the way you want it to be. You just have to deal with it. It's easier to type this out than actually do it Smile

Be it online or real life, I would always ask myself if (1) it's worth it trying to get to know someone or (2) if someone would even like me for who I am. I don't feel confident at all but I try to make a good first impression. For example, there are subreddits like r/needafriend and I would think soo many times if I should even message someone or not. Online relationships are more fragile but there are fun and really nice people from some random part of the world who would hear you out even if it's temporary. When it comes to real life, I get really awkward and I tend to make people feel very uncomfortable. I don't know what to say to people most of the time. I want to say something but I'm scared if I were to say something dumb. 

Recently, one guy texted me and asked if I wanted to go out for dinner with him to get to know each other more but I declined. I blocked his number for some reason. I understand that both parties have to put in time and effort to make something work but I don't feel like I'm never going to be ready for it or open up to people again. I feel like I'm missing out a lot in life but it's all my fault. I can keep on beating myself up or you know...just meet people and see how it goes?

Why not take a chance on reaching out to someone on reddit or another platform you're comfortable with?

A famous person once said "The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek."
En la boca cerrada no entran moscas.
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#4
Nevermind, see comment below for my thoughts:
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#5
Can you identify specific things about yourself that are making you feel that you aren't good enough? If you could make a list of those things then we could brainstorm solutions.

I feel like low self-esteem often comes from feeling like you don't have what it takes to steer your life in the direction you want and that feeling of no control along with the low self-esteem both kind of feed off each other like a vicious cycle. But if you start working towards putting things right, issue by issue, your self esteem and confidence will grow a little with each improvement.

I know how it feels because I've been where you are. Just over a year ago I was 24 with only a learners drivers license  which in my country meant I couldn't drive on my own, I was living at home, I didn't like how scrawny I was, I felt really nervous around women and it didn't look like I had I was going to get any decent career out of my B.A degree, just low paid government department jobs.

Right now, I have my restricted license meaning I can drive for most hours of the day and am going for my full license tomorrow, I have a flat, I've been training hard at the gym and am a lot stronger and fit, I've started to feel a bit better around girls and like they like me better, I'm training hard to get into the New Zealand Navy and plan to use it to finance an IT degree in Info Security. 

I still have a long way to go but in just over a year I've gone from feeling that my 20s were perhaps irreversibly fucked to having some self respect and feeling like I have a future. The key is to workout what specific things in your life are causing you to feel bad about yourself and fix them one by one, over time.

Anyway, hopefully something in this post helps you.
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#6
(10-12-2016, 01:09 PM)BeyondShy Wrote: A lot of what you said are things I could have written myself.

I don't know how you could put yourself out there when you may or may not get hurt or be forgotten in the end. If I knew this I would have already did it and I would of course let you in on it. All I know is wherever I have been I eventually have been hurt by people. Sometimes right away, sometimes after awhile. Doesn't matter if it was at school or work or right here on this forum. The more I get beat up the harder it is for me to get up again. I do get up, but not right away and I can never forget what knocked me down in the first place.

I don't know what to say either to people in real life because I always want to say the right thing, the cool thing. I have trouble right after I get done saying hello. Then the other person notices I have a hard time talking and they make an excuse to leave. The key is to be comfortable and I don't know how to do that.

I can totally relate to this. I take a very long time before I feel like "trying" again. It made me wary of people. They say that expectations always lead to disappointment so I have to constantly remind myself not to get so excited whenever someone comes into my life because they would be gone sooner than I expect. I still get excited nonetheless. (The joy of having someone to talk to when you're too used to being all alone) There's always a slight possibility that things can work out in the end but I have to accept the fact that most of the time I'm just not someone people would want to be with. I still look at it as a failure, especially if I invested so much time in someone only to realize that they're just making use of me. 

Someone recommended me a book called How To Talk To Anyone. I don't think a book is going to help me out but I think I'm going to check it out. I do feel guilty when people who are very talkative suddenly becomes quiet when they are around me. I'm known as the "most quiet person in class" all my life. It's kind of sad that quiet/shy people don't get to show the other side of them because that label is stuck to you and you can't break away from it easily. Maybe that's just how it is for me.
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#7
You need to start by improving your self esteem. If you have low self esteem people won't be drawn to you as a friend.
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#8
(10-12-2016, 02:04 PM)SofiasMami Wrote: Why not take a chance on reaching out to someone on reddit or another platform you're comfortable with?

A famous person once said "The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek."

Good quote. I know that it's pretty much a hit or miss when talking to strangers online. I guess I'm looking for someone I can talk to on a long-term basis but that's really too much to expect from people. My time is valuable and so is everyone else's time. Sometimes I spend months trying to maintain a relationship with someone but it will fall apart eventually or those people I meet in real life are just making use of me. I do realize that there's always something I can learn from others even if they treat me badly. That's the only positive thing I can think of right now but the damage is already done and I'm still scared. 

If you look at the threads that people post on there, they have a description about themselves and what they are looking for. I definitely can't get along with everyone but I think that it would be much harder to keep a convo going if I didn't have any common interests with them.
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#9
As far as i can remember ive always been scared of new people. I used to be scared of some of my family members when i was younger because i didin't know them. I was also scared to do orals in front of the hole class and friends. It's been 12 years since then... last year was the first time that i took a subscrition to take dancing classe's. And odly enought i was with an older cround, couples around 60. That really helped me out because i wasin't juged by them it's probably why i tend to hang out with an older crowed. They seem to know so much about life that some are pretty accepting about being who you are. Then i took two classes one of them i gave up because i felt like a reject. No one partner up with me. They other was different but still i ive made a small progress. Ive started to talk to some people. I was used to seeing them and i got more confortable about opening up. Then i started doing voluntor work and ive made a friend. I was the first one to talk and little by little im starting to know what to say to some one new. Knowing myself i could see the same person for a year and never talk to that person because i wouldint know what to say. The weirdess thing is i felt like we would be good friends wich is pretty weird because it never happens. As for speaking up in front of people well im not used to being listen to,people always listen with one closed ear so it gets me nervous when they do. I did an english orals and its the first time i actually looked at everybody. I was so nervous and wanted to leave but there was this girl that was crying and that failed her exam and i realized that they where all like me. So when my turned came i was still nervous but not as much, my voice didint cracked neither i was pretty happy with myself...i realized that for me it takes a first step then i haft to do it very often or else i give up on new people and as i constatly do it, i get used to it and it becomes natural to talk to people i don't know. There is always someone that awnsers you and it takes something small to start a conversation and to make friends. Sometimes it doesin't work but i stay positif because they are all like me. Some you know that it won't work others are very natural talkers and friendship become easier .
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#10
You're right that it's easier said and done to accept that things won't always work out, and people will move on. That's something I used to struggle with and I think it's normal to find that painful when you have very little to begin with, whether that's how life goes or not. People tend to turn that back on themselves as a reflection of them being "unworthy" though which just isn't true. Even great people don't get a 100% success rate.

I think it's always worth it to get to know new people. Many of them won't be lifelong friends, but you might still have a good run. A couple might stick around.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
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