DarkSelene said:
Italian desserts are so good.
If it's ok for me to intrude... is the problems with your family mainly because of school or is it something else? You seem to be harsh on yourself for taking so much criticism from them and that's definitely not healthy. Do you know what triggered your depression? (If this is too personal you can answer me through pm, or ignore it haha)
Have you ever thought of something else you would like to study? Have you ever thought of certain jobs/careers that you would be happy doing?
Of course it's ok. Well, my problems with family more or less started because of school. Now it's a bit more complicated, as for example dad badmouths me when he doesn't feel well or is stressed.
I do know what triggered my depression but it was no single thing.
At the time I had started working on a "project" for a company with two other people: it was not payed work and I basically skipped all lectures in order to focus on it; it kept me busy from early in the morning to late in the evening. Thing which I was also happy to do.. things were going very bad in the apartment I was living in (with other 4 students).. and I guess by comparison the atmosphere there was while working on that was much better, especially considered I had no one else to talk to.
At the apartment my housemates would refuse to clean, would make fun of me, have parties, stealing food, not paying bills... I could go on and on.. in short it was hell to me. Some days I couldn't even sleep because of all the noise and I frequently used to eat ouside because of the condition of the house.
As I already mentioned, I was already skipping lectures, because I was spending all my time working on that project.. additionally I was also lying to my parents, which (with reason it seems) were against it from the beginning and telling them university was going fine. Also dad had some health problems at the time and I had decided not to make my parents worry at all. People who know me know how much I hate lying.. so every time I lied I felt extremely bad.
With my life being the way it was, I started eating badly too, I also started making frequent use of caffeinated drinks, and migraines were one every day, at least, for one reason or another.
The people I was attempting that project with were also slightly mean, the way people are when they try to set up a date for you while telling "with your looks, you can't really expect anything", and then maybe making fun of you when going all out together, in front of new people. Anyways..
But I had noone else to talk to.
I started experiencing panic attacks and being a bit agoraphobic, and spending sometimes the whole day in bed, doing nothing, especially in the week end. I started smoking a bit too (which I hated and did only to hurt myself because I believed myself at fault for being the way I was and the whole situation) and getting drunk (similar reasons).
I was feeling extremely bad in october and somehow went back home to my parents for two weeks, and had a checkup at the doctor who really.. just told me I needed to sleep more and eat better. I had thought I was ok but when I went back, bad things happened all at once.. more importantly, those two people fought and one of them left with all the code and made his own company and I failed every single exam. Situation in the apartment was reaching the impossible and I was basically depressed already, since before october, but hadn't realized yet, somehow.
With depression came also a deterioration in my mental capabilities as I found my memory and concentration fading and that of course contributed to make my depression worse, and it sort of became a vicious cycle.
Since then various thing have happened, like me joining ALL, asking advice, talking with people, trying to get better etc.. At the moment I wouldn't define myself depressed, however I sort of have a existential crysis as I don't know myself, to say it in simple terms, or at least not well enough.
I've also been working (and succeeded in good measure) in avoiding negative thoughts and been working on trying to motivate myself.
I have a hard time dealing with some emotions as most times I am not aware about what caused them or can't determine it by logical reasoning.
I hope I haven't messed up with the time references. Right.. then there was also me getting paranoid about some health problems.. lol
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About careers I really don't know. Maybe I would like being a writer or a teacher, but in both cases I'm not suited to it.
I'm always thinking about what else I'd like to study actually XD I'd especially like languages, I think, if my bad memory allows me lol literature is also interesting. Cinema too.. it'd be really nice to make my own movie, but I usually prefer to enjoy existing content.
For a short while I was interested in game development too, but it's not my thing, and anyway I was considering it as a way to enhance the reading experience of a book, for example.
I'd like to draw too, but more as a hobby. Sculpting sounds fun, but I've never had the chance to try it. Same with woodcarving, knitting, and playing a musical instrument XD there's so many things that sound like fun that I've never been able to do and that in my present situation are hard to do.
I have a car license but not having driven one since I got it caused me to forget most of it. Now, ever since one bad experience with dad the day after I got the license, trying to drive puts me in a panic state, so..
But enough with the off topics XD I hope I've answered your questions
