I feel the same way sometimes. It's not often I meet a girl I like, so when I do, I become needy by default because I care about what happens, I want things to go a certain way, I have a preference. I want the ones I want to see me as a winner. I still don't understand fully why it's so bad, only that people, especially women hate neediness more than most other bad traits and the world in general is becoming increasingly intolerant of it, so I am trying to adapt rather than fight it, in the interests of my situation. I think it's a sign of the times - as the world becomes more competitive, people become even more quick to write others off as weak. I have to practice being less eager to talk to them and please them, and let them "win" me over even if they have already won me from the start. It seems that's the problem, they feel there's no challenge. I really don't get that and it sounds like game-playing to me, but that's the way most people are wired, I suppose. It really frustrates me that most people are still really into social status, and seem to believe that being cold and pretending not to care is a sign of high status while warmth is a sign of weakness and low rank. I think I come off as overly eager to get into a relationship to most people, because they haven't been single all their adult lives like I have. They don't understand how I feel or why I am eager because they haven't been single for as long as me or that it hasn't been easy for me to get into a relationship. Of course I'm eager to have a relationship since I've had to wait so much longer than most and because it's so rare that I meet someone I find attractive. I really don't think I'm that needy, I just never get a chance to demonstrate that I can be independent too. I know I can be, I don't want to be attached to a woman 24/7 any more than she wants to be attached to me all the time. I have my own interests and goals and a life of my own. If I come off as having a higher appetite for intimacy, it's only because I've been starved of it. But I guess it's easier to adjust myself than it is to fight the system, the way people are wired. I'll have to be more mindful and downplay my eagerness to have a relationship.
I get that neediness is weakness, and a lot of people are turned off by weakness, but you would think that if you see someone struggling you'd want to help them with it. And I don't see the problem with wanting things to go a certain way. It just means you know what you want, you care what you get, you don't want just anything.
I think another problem I have is that most people are more wise to the ways of the world than I am. Because of my lack of knowledge and experience about how the world works, these girls think they'll have to take care of me. The thing is though, part of why I like these girls is that I feel I could learn from them. But, I don't think I would be like a baby that they need to care for. I just haven't figured out a way to show them that just because they are more worldly than me and that I don't know as much as them doesn't mean I can't be independent too.
Hobbies and interests and trying to do things myself doesn't really help me, because it does nothing to alleviate the weariness I feel from being single all my life. Cultivating a full life is important, but that's just it - when I learn and progress or discover something new and exciting, I want to share it with those I want, and grow a connection because they are into some of the same things and even though you're not supposed to, I do want to prove that I can be worth their while. And the longer I am single, it only reinforces the feeling that I am just intrinsically lacking, as you were mentioning yourself. Like it's something I can't fix, because I'm just fundamentally inferior.
