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goingsolo

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Heres my story (very briefly).

I grew up in a country town in Victoria, Australia. I had many friends growing up. So many that I would refuse to take calls or not answer my door to some of them.
My father was very controlling and paranoid, and did not allow me girlfriends. Romantic or otherwise.
Anyways I started using pot heavily all thru teenage years and into twenties.. I never held down a job I was in the dole for 20 years until recently. I think this was part why i lost all my childhood friends as they all went on to get careers and start family etc...
Ive been without loving relationships in my life for a long time now. I am 41 yo
I did however make connection with a woman who was/is very wrong for me. I had decided to leave her, but found out she was pregnant with me child. So I decided to stay with her as I would like to give my kids a better chance than what I got.
So we now have two very young children (under3yo)
Myself and mother do not get along, I feel trapped here. I have let everything go. I do not exercise, i do not eat properly, ive been in my pyjamas and not showered for the past three days. Im running on about two hours sleep per night. FFS! I live in hell and call it home.
Ive no friends left. I am angry, i am sad, and i feel utterly alone and like a complete loser.
Ive got no one to talk to , hence why i am on this forum.
I am so afraid that I am going to mess up my kids because they have a sad case for a father. this is deeply saddening to me.

If i didnt have kids I surely would kill myself.

sorry to lay this on y'all. I know every one got problems, right.
 
Hi goingsolo and welcome!
I'm sorry to hear you're in such a bad spot now. Have you been evaluated for depression? Is there someone you can see to be evaluated? I'm asking because you're saying you've been in your pj's and not showered for 3 days and you're only getting 2 hours sleep a night, on top of everything that you're feeling.
Do it for your kids, they need you. And do keep us updated on how you're doing.
 
I agree that it sounds like your depression is beyond what you might be able to manage yourself.

However, I would also recommend getting up, getting dressed and DOING SOMETHING. Anything, go for a walk, go for a run, get a punching bag, take up boxing. Anything to help you relieve some stress and get out on your own away from your problems. Yes, they will still be there when you get back, but if you give yourself a little bit of you time, maybe you can start turning things around for yourself.
 
I agree too that you might need some help with your depression....but in the end you're the one who has to want to help yourself enough to start moving and the two young people are a strong motivation for you to want to help yourself and hence, them as well.

I'd say that at 41 you're past the expiration date for blaming your father for your issues....and those two children? It would be good if they didn't have to blame you for their own issues, you're right about that, so keep us informed about what progress you've made about getting moving.
 
This isn't all that complicated.... your depression isn't rocket science. Looking at life through depression glasses contaminates your perspective. Your marriage is a sham, get out of it. You're not being fair to anyone, including yourself. Let your "wife" move on and do it in a way where you two can be friends, and co parent as a team, supporting each other while you separately raise your children.

Then.....once you're finally alone, you need to do some personal reform. You need to start taking care of yourself...eating right and starting a workout program. You only live once man, don't waste it by being lazy and neglectful of yourself. There are millions of people out there who would kill to have the privilege of neglecting their health. Learn communication skills, volunteer somewhere so you're actually making a difference....that will build up some purpose and self esteem.

I can come back to all this, but please, don't waste your life.
 

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