Friendship Question

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bert_hanley

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Hi,

My name is Andrew. I am new here, and I have something that I want to share that I am not sure if anyone can help me with. I’ve never been able to make good, close friends. In fact, I have had a lot of failed friendships along the way. I do have a friendship question, though. More on that in a bit. 

A little about me: my family moved around a few times when I was younger. Every time any roots were established, I had to say goodbye to those that I formed friendships with when we moved. Having been uprooted, and then transplanted several times, my family and I finally settled down in a small town. Unfortunately, having been more or less a “city kid,” the people in this small town viewed me as an outsider and treated me as such. Therefore, I didn't make many friends. I had a few, though. They became scattered after I graduated from high school, though I was not real close with them to begin with.

Once I graduated from high school (16 years ago), I thought that I would try making friends again. What I have found since then is that I have been unable to do that. I suppose I picked the wrong people. People that I thought I enjoyed (and some I did enjoy) turned out to be users. People that I thought would be friends with me in the long run ended up moving on to bigger and better jobs/opportunities, which is OK, except that the  “hey… let's get together” promises ended up being empty, and we fell out of touch. I was ghosted on a few occasions when text/email/facebook messages went unanswered. The hope and benefit of the doubt that I would give these folks eventually led to the inevitable acceptance that it's time to let them go, though I can’t say it was easy. In fact, it was rather painful getting to that point through the wonder. The wondering why. The wondering if I did something to them. The wondering if they didn’t like me in the first place but didn’t want to be upfront about it. The wondering if I could change for the better for the next person if they would have just said something. All of the wonder with no real answers to show for it. Now, that’s not to say there hasn’t been any bright spots. I was (and still am) very fortunate to have had people along the way, several of whom have been older, see the value in me and tell me that I would make a good friend for someone, and that I have a lot to offer.

Here is my dilemma: recently I have met a person who I hope to befriend eventually. Someone who I share similar interests with, someone who I can hold decent conversations with, and someone who I have gotten together to hang out with once. While all of that is nice, I can’t help but to proceed with caution due to past failures. Also, when I first met this person, he rarely talked about having friends. However, as I have talked with him more and more, he keeps mentioning that he has several friends. And, all I can think of is, “I can’t compete with that.” Then he mentioned that he had a best friend, and, again, I couldn’t help but feel that all of his friendship slots are filled, and then I question if I should even bother trying, or should I move on?

Here is why I am at a crossroads: I know that after several failures, I feel that I am becoming OK with learning to improve myself and knowing that close friendships are possibly not in the cards for me. I also know that while I like this person and enjoy his company, I don’t want to fail again. Please don’t get me wrong – I still have hope that one day I will find someone awesome who would appreciate a good friend in me, and a part of me hopes it is this person. I’ve just not had great luck with people who claim to have lots and lots of friends.    

So, here is my question – have any of you been in this situation before? If so, what have you done? Do you think it is worth it to pursue this and hope a friendship builds, or onwards and upwards with hope for the best with the next one? 

Thank you in advance for your time in reading this. I appreciate it!
 
If you enjoy this persons company, can converse on the same level and this person takes time to hang out with you then why would you "move on"?
Don't get me wrong, i completly understand your dilemma, your opening yourself up to getting hurt and that's whats making you hesitant.

You talk about changing for the better, this is not a healty thing imho, ofcourse almost everyone is willing to change a few little things but you shouldn't feel like you "have" to be better, your good the way you are.

I'd advice you to not give up, don't be pushy or clingy or try to take up every moment of his time, be a friend and allow him to be one back, noone can garantee it will go the way you want, but you'll never say "what if.."

Good luck
 
I think you should try to befriend this person. Especially if you've had to move a lot, you might become "used to" losing friends and think that's just how it is. But many people drift due to life changing and not due to someone being lesser than their new friends. Long-distance friendships can also be difficult and some people aren't good at making time for keeping in touch when there's a lot to do in their new home. It's disappointing, but I think it's better to get used to trying new friendships on for size than expecting each one to simply fail.
 

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