Excluded

I'm sorry about what will most likely be a long post with hurt and confused ranting. It's almost 2:30 am where I live, and I was trying to go to bed and get some sleep, but I can't. My thoughts keep rewinding something that happened this evening, and surrounding circumstances.

I'll try not to get into all the endless details, but to make a long story slightly less long, I've been part of a large social circle for several years. Most of the people I've known and gotten along with, without us really being friends or anything, and some I've considered actual friends. A few have been considered close friends. 

A couple of years ago, I started noticing some small changes. Some people I thought were my friends started excluding me from things. E.g. we had a regular game group, and suddenly that group started up other games, basically with each other and one new person instead of me. I tried bringing it up once, explain that it hurt, and more or less got yelled at with a snarky comment about "you can't expect to be part of EVERYTHING all the time." (Ignoring the fact that, apparently, that's what the others could expect.) I never brought it up again, but it's been stuck in my mind ever since, and after that I've never felt like I could truly be myself around them. Whenever something's been hurtful or uncomfortable, I've just ignored it. 

Since then, things have gradually gotten worse. I've lost touch with more and more people, and I'm not sure why. One after another, they've all just started ignoring me and excluding me from stuff. I haven't had a fight with anyone, as far as I know, so I've obsessed a lot over possible reasons, and reached the conclusion that they've probably gotten sick of my depression, not wanting me around to bring them down (even though I try to not let it show when I'm around people). 

This summer, someone I thought was a friend apparently had a birthday party. A pretty big one, in her large garden. My (then) best friend made the cake for it. I wasn't invited, didn't even know about it until after it was over, and my (then) best friend told me about her cake having been a big success. That hurt. Not only that I hadn't been invited, even though pretty much everyone I knew were, but also that my (then) best friend didn't even seem slightly insulted about the fact that I'd been excluded. "Some friend," I thought, but tried to forget about it. 

I used to have another close friend. We hung out a lot last year. Then suddenly, in July this year, she ghosted. Claims she's going through stuff and can't really socialize and that she misses me, yet I notice her attending various social events all the time. She's active on Facebook and Snapchat, so it's easy to keep track. If she'd wanted to spend time with me, she would have.

Last weekend, there was some private, secret event going on. I randomly found out about it because a few people I know were invited and let it slip (one of them asked me to check on his cats while he was gone). The organizers were people I thought were friends. That also hurt. Tonight, during a game event, I made one bitter comment about it, and my ex best friend rolled her eyes and exclaimed "oh my god, how long are you going to keep bitching about that?" following her impersonating me with a mocking voice. I was stunned. Partly because that was the first time I had even mentioned to her that being excluded from the event was hurtful (I'm guessing she must have read a post on Facebook made by a common acquaintance who had also been excluded, where I commented my understanding and support), but also because I really would have expected her to sympathize. I certainly did not expect her to attack me like that, and mock me, in front of the four other people that were there. None of them spoke out in support of me. Not even my boyfriend. And that's basically why I can't sleep now. 

She and the other girl (the one who ghosted) have pretty much been my only friends during the last year, so the fact that I now feel like I've lost them both is giving my depression a giant boost. I doubt I'll ever have the same relationship again with any of them, even if they at some point decide to include me in their lives again. It's devastating. Given time, I might be able to forgive, but I'm incapable of forgetting, and I know that once someone's hurt me properly, I will always associate the hurt feeling with that person, and start withdrawing. And I know I will never feel safe enough around them to open up and be myself again. I'll always be wearing my "I don't care about anything, see how happy I am" mask. That is, if we'll ever hang out again outside of a gaming event. Which, at this point, I highly doubt. 

My hurt is doubled. First from being excluded from yet another event, and then now from having my ex best friend scold me for feeling that way. I feel hurt, embarrassed, angry and sad. After the game was over, I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it, because I was still so upset (after pretending like everything was fine for a couple of hours), but he just went straight for his phone and seemed completely uninterested. Another stab in the gut. Another tiny drop telling me that I'm worthless. 

Another person I thought was a friend is having a Halloween party tomorrow. Guess who's not invited (though I have been every year before, up until now).

Thank you for reading. I really needed to get this off my chest. Now maybe I can try again to get some sleep.

I am sorry you are going through this. Can i just say, that sometimes people just suck. And, it seems like people really like to gang up on someone. Sounds like one of them started to freeze you out, so the rest of them got on board. Why? Because people suck and it is often a mob mentality of better you than them kind of thing. The difficult thing is that if you see what is happening and even mention it, that is the type of response you get. And, you can't even say "hey, you are all acting like mean girls from High School. And didn't your momma teach you to not flaunt your parties in someone else's face whom you didn't invite". Sometimes i can't believe how rude people are.

You have no idea how good it feels to read your words right now. That's the first sign of support I've experienced in a long time. I'm actually tearing up a bit. Thank you. Thank you. <3

Wow. Just wow.
The snarky comment about not being able to be part of everything is not ever anything a friend would say. Unless in a comforting, sad, caring way if someone else had been cutting you out, which does not at all seem to be the case. I would not guard their animals if that's the mean "thanks" you get. Everything about this just seems extremely mean and unfair! I want to go scream their faults in their faces! How dare they? And how on Earth could your boyfriend just sit do nothing??

I feel really sorry for you. Really, really sorry. You should not ever have to be treated like that!
Sorry for getting worked up, it usually happens when i hear about injustices.
On a side note - what are these "games"? Board games? Online games? LARP/rp's?

How I hope you do feel better soon!

BTW, you aren't the 'cat sitter". I had something similar happen. One lady called me one night and asked if i could babysit her daughter. I have kids of similar ages, so that was fine. I figured she had to work or something like that. Well, turns out she was going to a "girls' night out" and of course i was not invited to that. Actually, i had that happen twice!
Anyway, i am done with people when there is no reciprocity. If have stopped making overtures to people who don't really give a **** about me. I was always quick to say Hello or try to chat when out and about. Then, i thought, why can't someone say Hi to ME and acknowledge my actual EXISTENCE one **** time? Well, in reality, most of those people can't even be bothered to say Hello. Sooooo, heck with them. I am done. I would rather be alone than be with a bunch of snakes.

Thanks, both of you. It's wonderful to finally communicate with someone who understands. And you're absolutely right - heck with them. Being alone really is better than being around trash like that. It just hurts because for years, you've thought they were better, and then they turn into this.

I've also had friends completely toss me aside because they got obsessively into cosplay, and suddenly finding time to hang out with me wasn't something they could be bothered with anymore. "Sorry, can't come with you to the cinema/go out for dinner/whatever, I need to finish this costume, and besides, all my money goes into materials and traveling to all the cons." Come to my birthday? No sorry, it crashes with one of the MANY cons during the summer, and I am NOT a priority.

Btw Meaw, it's both tabletop RPGs and LARPs.

I will say that i have learned that is OK to have "event friends'. Everyone doesn't have to be a friend on the same level. Like ok, maybe you have a friend that you just doing games with. Or a movie friend. Or a hiking friend, etc. That's fine. It's ok to just take people where they are at and enjoy them there. But, just recognize that before investing too much emotional energy into them.

I've never thought of it like that, but you make a very good point. I guess I should give up on trying to find good, lasting, close friends (like everyone else seem to have), and just go for the occasional acquaintance approach. That should at least provide less disappointment.

(Though considering the honeysuckle storm that's been 2016, I can't really think of anyone I'd like to go hiking or to the cinema with.)

People have already started sharing snaps from that Halloween party I was excluded from. Nice. I hate them all.

I was in a similar group, Tuathaniel. I really miss the RPing and the LARPing! They got salty because nobody had the time to take any "responsibility" (many were burnouted) and instead of helping each other they just pecked at whoever tried something but failed. At that time, they stopped having those activities and only continued with board games. I have not been there much at all after, but I was at a pride parade to represent the group with three others... One walked away and talked to friends, and the other two barely addressed me twice in two hours. Hello? I am no ghost! I exist!

I often wondered why all events had to be so planned, why they could not just spontaneously relax and try to just do something. It might fail, but it'd be better than nothing.

I remember one of the times I tried having a birthday party in school (invite-everyone-and-hope-anyone-shows-up-but-enough-to-not-seem-weird-party) and it happened to be at the same time as a football match. Let's just say I quickly understood where on their priority list I was then - below party and cake even if it was in the age parties were all neat and cake was heaven.

Tuathaniel said:

I've never thought of it like that, but you make a very good point. I guess I should give up on trying to find good, lasting, close friends (like everyone else seem to have), and just go for the occasional acquaintance approach. That should at least provide less disappointment.

(Though considering the honeysuckle storm that's been 2016, I can't really think of anyone I'd like to go hiking or to the cinema with.)

People have already started sharing snaps from that Halloween party I was excluded from. Nice. I hate them all.

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I didn't say to give up on finding good friends.  I am just saying, there are "friends of the moment" or friends for the now.  Or, this event or whatever.    But, along the way of that, you may find a very good and special friend.

Sorry I just caught up with your thread Tuathaniel. These people don't easily satisfy the description of friends. Most likely if you left this circle they would soon be looking for the next person to make feel unwelcome. I bet  you're already aware after only 2 days on here there are some good people to talk to

Wish I still had a best friend. Just found out my "best friend" was involved with other friends (clique group) in pushing me out of the inner circle and quietly moving onto other adventures, but making excuses about " being busy", etc. Sound familiar? Just like high school, midfle school, etc. Story of my life.

Now anyone who claims a desire for friendship, I don't trust at all. The thought still hurts too much. Never again.

Ninjami said:

Wish I still had a best friend. Just found out my "best friend" was involved with other friends (clique group) in pushing me out of the inner circle and quietly moving onto other adventures, but making excuses about " being busy", etc.  Sound familiar? Just like high school, midfle school, etc.  Story of my life.

Now anyone who claims a desire for friendship, I don't trust at all. The thought still hurts too much. Never again.

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I am sorry that happened to you.  That is painful.

Hugs I understand <3. Definitely keep trying

To have a good friend you need to be a good friend. My best friends are the ones who dont judge or have expectations of me, nor I of them. If they don't turn up for an arranged meet, I assume they must be busy, we're all busy. If they don't contact me re this, I assume they have a good reason and I'm a big girl, I can enjoy whatever we were going to alone, be it movie, gallery or just a coffee. If this behaviour hurts or annoys me I ask myself' what is my part in this, what is it about myself that is creating this hurt within, since it's my feeling, I own it. 9 times out of 10 the reason they don't show has nothing to do with me or their opinion of me, jumping to conclusions never helps, and assuming your friends are going to react like you sets you up for disappointment and them up for failure. I'm now 51 and gave varied friends who have come in and out of my life numerous times usually pertaining to similar or dissimilar life events.
One mantra we've always had is 'There's nothing sexy about being needy!' That said, sometimes people are just ********, you either accept it or don't, as long as I've acted in a way that meets my standards then I'm happy. The ONLY power we have in this world is in our reactions to situations, so why would you give this away?If I'm angry or hurt , I ask myself is this valid, or are they worth me getting angry and thereby giving them all my power? Usually the answer is that I've overreacted, or assumed they're thinking something they aren't. People think far less often of us than we think. At the end of the day, we come in alone and go out alone, let's try not to make our time here a scrambling for life crumbs. Choose to spend your time with people tgat make you more you, not less you, people that are a good influence in your life rather than a negative one, and eventually you'll find that like minded beings will be drawn to you, for a long or short time who can tell, just be assured , 'there's no such thing as an ordinary moment' Dan Millman
Do something positive like join an environmental protection group or the line, passionate and active with authentic worthy causes bring out the best in most of us.
'Be the change you want to see in the world' ghandi
And grab some quotes from people you admire and make them your mantra
"There is nothing healthy about being well adjusted to a profoundly sick society" Oscar Wilde