chronic pain, self pity, isolation, and wisdom

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
Joined
Jul 10, 2015
Messages
18
Reaction score
0
I had such a promising start. I was on a path of personal development that combined both athleticism and intellectual pursuits. I was on track for a dream job. Because I had a vision for myself and the world around me, high quality women were drawn to me. They didn't come in droves - but I could rely on the likelihood of a high quality partner coming my way at least once every several years. 

My back injury in 2009 changed all of that. I lost the ability to lift weights. Having lost the ability to train, I also lost the ability to manage my stress and tackle my dream career. Without those things, I am now just a shadow of my former self. When you lose your orientation in life, you quite literally go through a grieving process for your old life. While I was always something of a recluse, these years of grief resulted in even more intense isolation. Quality women no longer want anything to do with me because I am very open about my chronic pain issues. Like a fool, I internalized all the rhetoric coming from feminists about equality. In practice, most women want to be taken care of and protected. They don't want to be the caretakers for their men in the same way that men have traditionally been willing to be protectors of women. At least, this has been my experience. The fact that I am also no longer somebody who is pursuing his passion in life doubtlessly makes me much less appealing. 

I know I am much better off than most. I can still work. I can still walk. But however I look at it, the real me died years ago with my injury to my lower back. What blessings are still present in my life are lost on me because I am, in effect, already dead. 

The feelings of self pity are fleeting. I know when those feelings leave me all that will be left is greater inner strength and a greater depth of understanding. From a certain perspective, chronic pain is a unique chance to come to terms with all the things that really make human life meaningful - the ephemeral quality of all our joys and sorrows, the specter of pain and death which gives our lives a sense of urgency, and the chance to grow in strength and wisdom as we manage and overcome our constraints. Unfortunately, that inner strength does not translate into greater sexual market value. Nor does it necessarily make one very gregarious. So I will continue to be alone. My pain condition will probably progress to a point where I have to stop working. Alone trying to get on disability seems to be in the cards for me. If I do end up taking my life, I like to think it will be from a position of strength and contempt for a world where people with chronic pain are marginalized by society. 

It's such a strange feeling to know that you've already seen your best days. All I can ever think of anymore is that quote from bladerunner - all those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain.

Depressive rant over
 
Lost_in_necropolis said:
I had such a promising start. I was on a path of personal development that combined both athleticism and intellectual pursuits. I was on track for a dream job. Because I had a vision for myself and the world around me, high quality women were drawn to me. They didn't come in droves - but I could rely on the likelihood of a high quality partner coming my way at least once every several years. 

My back injury in 2009 changed all of that. I lost the ability to lift weights. Having lost the ability to train, I also lost the ability to manage my stress and tackle my dream career. Without those things, I am now just a shadow of my former self. When you lose your orientation in life, you quite literally go through a grieving process for your old life. While I was always something of a recluse, these years of grief resulted in even more intense isolation. Quality women no longer want anything to do with me because I am very open about my chronic pain issues. Like a fool, I internalized all the rhetoric coming from feminists about equality. In practice, most women want to be taken care of and protected. They don't want to be the caretakers for their men in the same way that men have traditionally been willing to be protectors of women. At least, this has been my experience. The fact that I am also no longer somebody who is pursuing his passion in life doubtlessly makes me much less appealing. 

I know I am much better off than most. I can still work. I can still walk. But however I look at it, the real me died years ago with my injury to my lower back. What blessings are still present in my life are lost on me because I am, in effect, already dead. 

The feelings of self pity are fleeting. I know when those feelings leave me all that will be left is greater inner strength and a greater depth of understanding. From a certain perspective, chronic pain is a unique chance to come to terms with all the things that really make human life meaningful - the ephemeral quality of all our joys and sorrows, the specter of pain and death which gives our lives a sense of urgency, and the chance to grow in strength and wisdom as we manage and overcome our constraints. Unfortunately, that inner strength does not translate into greater sexual market value. Nor does it necessarily make one very gregarious. So I will continue to be alone. My pain condition will probably progress to a point where I have to stop working. Alone trying to get on disability seems to be in the card for me. If I do end up taking my life, I like to think it will be from a position of strength and contempt for a world where people with chronic pain are marginalized by society. 

It's such a strange feeling to know that you've already seen your best days. All I can ever think of anymore is that quote from bladerunner - all those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain.

Depressive rant over

OMG ! I killed my lower back (herniated L4-L5) in 2011 lifting insanely heavy weights too ! I also went through 2 years of miserable depression because I thought my lifting days were over ... became an alcoholic. Tried everything - chiro, PT, surgery, rest ... no joy. I eventually got back into it, though. Now, I just have to live with it, but I can lift (can't do deadlifts).

How bad is your back ? Is it a herniated disk ? What did you do to treat it ?
 
I have two issues, actually - chronic costochondritis (inflammation of the cartilage around my sternum) and disc disease/bulging disc at L5-S1. I can't even swim, which is what most people seem to do who have low back problems. The costo keeps me from doing anything that would use my chest muscles.

The main thing I did was abandon my original career ambition of going into IT. I can't sit at a desk for too long. Now I teach in public schools. I move around a lot, which seems to help. I also eat a strict anti-inflmmatory diet.
 
That is a lot... I'm sorry for what you've been/are going through.

The only thing I could think of saying is that I never really had an orientation, seem to be lost for a long time and don't know if I'll ever know wich path to follow. You sound like a strong minded person and I think you haven't really lost your orientation, I think you were led to a new path... maybe you'll find yourself again and see that those weren't your days, you're still here and while you're still here anything could happen.
Besides that, I could only offer comfort in listening... I've "worked" with people with chronic pain (back problems too), people that had influence in the city they lived in, worked with radio, politics, had major social circles, were always active and then... bound to a wheelchair for the past 5 years. I don't know how that feels like, but I've seen it first hand, and how easy it is to live in the past forgetting you're alive today... I understand the reasons, but it's still a concern.

Of course, I hope you'll feel better, mentally and physically.
 
I see what you mean, Necropolis. I cannot see myself as the same after my burnout. It is a weird feeling to, at around 19 years then, realize my hopes for the future are severely limited. I could no longer be a space scientist, I could barely remember three things to get from the grocery store in time to write them down. No more 60 learned german words overnight. On the partnerfront and friendfront, I always get to hear that I am so kind, so fun, so honest, so whatever random positive word. However, sitting alone wasting another week of my life with words like those ain't different from sitting doing the same without them. About who is to protect who, I rather did my very best to be gentlemannered towards the two guys I've been in relationships with. It irritates me that it does not seem common. For example, I did all I could to talk people out of giving me gifts, and I bought them flowers, paid for myself and other (to me meaningless) honeysuckle. I wanted to show them they were important, I ended up alone anyway.

Had I not lived in a country where one could get a bit of help when unable to work, I'd most likely been under the closest bridge with a backpack only. Still, this land has done everything in their power to break me and make me fail. If I end up ending my misery, it's because nothing ever tried to help except for my mother. If I end up enduring the torture to be here, it is because I could never do something like that to mother, since she actually cares.
Sorry for possibly dreary reading, and I do hope as much as possible turns out as good as possible, Necropolis! I'm rooting for ya!
 
All of our lives change. Your life has changed dramatically. However, why does this have to be the end of joy for your life? Yes, maybe you cannot do what you used to do. You can't do everything you used to do. But, just because you can't do everything, doesnt' mean you can't do some of those things. And, maybe it is a time to shift your focus in life in another direction.
And, if you don't love yourself it is going to be hard for others to get close to you as well. And, yes, if you are presenting yourself as someone with chronic pain who can no longer do what they used to do, then yes, new women are not going to want to take that on. You are so much more than your illness. You do not need to define yourself by your illness.
And, maybe this is something that can give you a new direction in life. Maybe to help kids with similar issues or go to a support group and help others, etc. Don't sell yourself short as to what you can accomplish in life.
 
@ dd11

So I should evade the fact that I have a condition which impacts most of the things healthy people take for granted? i.e., sex, house work, the ability to carry groceries, etc? I don't frame it in my online dating profile as "oh woe is me." I frame it as "I have this condition and I have limitations, but I just keep on keeping on." Should I avoid mentioning it altogether at the very beginning? It's kind of hard to hide as the pain impacts virtually everything in my life...
 
I really can't answer that. Only you can. I don't want to minimize your suffering in any way. However, it is what it is. I think the more that we can accept What Is, the better we can get on with our lives. You can't do everything. But, neither does that mean that you can't do anything. I surely can't do what I did when i was 20 physically. However, you are constantly redefining who you are in this world. Instead of what you cant' do, what CAN you do? You can work and you can walk. You are still way ahead of some who cannot.
 
An injury taking you out, man how vulnerable we all are.  I have maintained a workout program since I was 13 years old, and as a 50 year old I have very muscular arms and a chest, a great immune system (haven't been sick since childhood) - this workout program is the foundation of some of my life systems.  My girlfriend asked me not too long ago, what would happen to me, or my confidence level if I was unable to workout?  I'll tell you something, it would affect everything. Being strong, or better yet, being used to being strong all of my adult life has been something I've taken for granted. Recently I injured my left arm, tendinitis (tennis elbow) and I can't lift anything with it without intense pain.  I dealt with tennis and golfers elbow in my right arm in the 90's, and had a bunch of braces from dealing with that. So now I'm back, and to get back to you, it's a wake up call. And honestly, I'm somewhat depressed about it, just like when it happened last time. 

The moral of the story?  How to adapt and improvise... in my case, due to a separate injury in the 80's, I abandoned lifting free weights to the soloflex in 1992.  That solved alot of problems using resistance.  In this most recent injury, I've reluctantly stopped working out, and plan on waiting a week or so and then adapt by using resistance only, tinkering with each exercise and use the ones that don't cause pain, and go from there.  In YOUR case, which is ten times more severe, how do you adapt? How do you improvise? God, there are people in wheelchairs who work out, so I'm wondering what kind of workout one can possibly do with a back injury. I googled "how to work out with a lower back injury" and a bunch of sites did come up. I read the first one, and I actually now have ideas on where to start myself, and my own injury.

Back to your original thought, I understand why you're depressed.  But your life isn't over, you aren't dead yet as you've mentioned.  You have to recreate things here, and from that point you will rebuild your system.  Remember confidence comes when you feel in control, and that's what you need to gain back. I think it's possible with a little creativity, patience, and improvising that you can regain that power.
 
The real question isn't if you are entilted to feel they way you feel. Of course you are. You definitely have some challenges that you have to face daily. Your reality is your reality. However, is there any way to make this reality work better for you? Can you approach this in another way? If you are seeking a relationship to put someone in a caretaker role then you are really skewing the relationship out of the gate. Most romantic relationships are give and take. And, if you presenting yourself as incapacitated and needy, then yes, someone who really doesn't yet know you and hasnt' had time to emotionally invest in you, is going to find that to be very daunting. That doesnt' mean there is something wrong with those women. They just don't know you and if the first thing they learn about you is how damaged and disabled you are or feel, that really isn't a good basis for a new relationship.
You are obviously smart, articulate and can work and function. You still have a lot to offer in this world.
 
Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond. I don't constantly feel sorry for myself, as my original post might suggest. I would say my good days outnumber my bad days.

Best wishes to everyone this holiday season.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top