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What keeps you alive?
First of all. .my little sister. .then tv series. .movies. .anime. .
At this point, the only thing that keeps me alive is the fear of the otherside or lack there of...
''I watched a change, in's like you never...had wings...''
Smile with me, it's fun!!!...Toungue
The hope that one day life may get better, and the fact that my life HAS improved somewhat overtime.
Obligation and responsibility. And ironically, the occasional thought of murder. Which is almost comical coming from me, yet there it is.
Probably the reallisation too that I couldn't commit suicide after all this. That would hurt my kids profoundly. Besides which, lucky people like me die hard. We don't get an easy, quiet way out.
Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore.
Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the Nightly shore —
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
[Image: RzLiXRO.gif]
A very profound beauty and truth/search for truth has kept me going for a long, long time. I never thought such things could disappear from my life; but, they have.

I can still, laugh, cry, feel lonely, get angry, be afraid, etc.. etc.. but the beauty is gone. I can barely even listen to music anymore....

...So I guess what keeps me going is... just not wanting to give up. I want to see that beauty again, the goodness... I want my old self back... I want my ears to swim in the sea of all the beautiful music I used to listen to. I want my mind and maybe heart to know and feel those profound truths and to feel the exquisite beauty in the world. I want all the wonderfully hopeful melancholy back...

I feel a stranger in myself... I want to be me again.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard inner battle."
-Namu Amida Butsu
--Hippo Sad
---May your jimmies be forever unrustled...
----"At fifteen life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice." -Maya Angelou
-----"Lack of personal justice does not excuse one's own ignorance.  Do not be blinded by the wrongs done to you, lest you stumble and wrong others."
------"...There's jazz going on..." -Alan Watts
I'm afraid of dying. Not knowing what's on the other side
My husband and Jesus Christ. Would have been dead since 2013 had I not found them.
Literally nothing apart from fear of the unknown.
Responsibility , the wife  ,kids , grandkids , work , keeping the wolf from the door , secretly love it really but not friends ...who needs them.

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